Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A web user's humble request: freedom FROM opinion!


"Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible." - FRANK MOORE COLBY

Quick! What's the #1 activity on the Internet -- pornography or social networking?

The answer is neither. The Internet's #1 activity always has been and always will be complaining. The web is a hater's paradise. It allows us to complain easily, quickly, and (if we so choose) anonymously. It helps that we're probably the whiniest generation in human history -- spiteful, cynical, easily bored, just as easily offended, fickle, impatient, unimaginative, and prone to hasty judgments. And I include myself in that group. I'm all of those things and more. I've certainly done my share of grousing and griping on the Internet. Who hasn't?

But, reader, I am fatigued. I am sick of the opinions of others. Or, more specifically, I am tired of having to wade through the opinions of others when all I want is information. I am going to limit myself to pop culture because it tends to bring out all the Internet's worst characteristics. Pop culture whining (as opposed to actual, thoughtful, constructive criticism) especially aggravates me because ultimately it's so trivial. TV shows, movies, music, etc. -- these are just entertainment, meant to be enjoyed. If you don't enjoy it, move on to something else... for your own sake as well as mine.

The Internet has already made itself very clear on most matters pop cultural. Here is a summary:

  • Everything sucks.
  • Everything is overrated.
  • Everything has jumped the shark.
  • Everything is too mainstream.
  • Everyone has sold out.
  • Nothing is as good as it used to be.
  • If you like anything, you're a moron because everything sucks.
  • Anything popular is especially bad.
  • Above all: THE SKY IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS FALLING!

Yes, yes, Internet. We know. You have made yourself crystal clear on these matters. You have made these points thousands and thousands of times. I am well aware of your opinions. Really, you can stop. Please. Go take a walk. Read a book. Call your Mom. Do something else, for fuck's sake! Advancements in technology are somewhat to blame here. Entertainment is now so plentiful and so easily accessible that it is irrevocably cheapened, and we have become spoiled children who are satisfied with nothing. So we do what spoiled brats do -- whine.

And all that would be fine if I didn't have to wade through so much opinion just to get pop culture information on the Internet. But "interactivity" is so crucial that seemingly every site I visit regularly solicits comments from its readers -- who often turn out to be ill-informed and shockingly stupid -- and then shoves their moronic opinions IN YOUR FACE at every available opportunity. Take the Internet Movie Database, for example. There are user comments seemingly everywhere on the site. For some reason, they've now even added a comments section to every single news story in their NewsDesk section. Gee, thanks a lot, IMDb.

MY MODEST SOLUTION: Sites should make comments collapsible or hidden at first, so that when you clicked on a link you wouldn't automatically be slapped across the face with the opinions of a dozen morons. This goes for you, too, YouTube!. Why have you taken away the option of hiding comments? Why do I have to be confronted with the opinions of subhumans every time I watch a video?

I leave you with this well-known clip of Louis C.K. talking to Conan O'Brien. Enjoy. Or don't.



ZOMBY belongs in an institution... the institution of MARRIAGE, that is!!!



"That woman belongs in an institution... and I don't mean marriage!" - BETTE DAVIS on the subject of Joan Crawford*

* at least according to John Waters


Sunday, March 27, 2011

ZOMBY: I scream, you scream, we all scream...

And while we're on the subject of ice cream flavors, here's Dick Shawn (and friend) dancing to the Shirelles' "31 Flavors" from the movie It's a Mad Mad Mad World.



Saturday, March 26, 2011

ZOMBY at 100: pants or no pants?



Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I realized recently that I had passed something of a milestone with ZOMBY!!! Sometime this last week, I posted the 100th installment of the series. I'm up to something like 103 as of this writing. Anyhow, over the course of 100+ cartoons, I have noticed that Zomby/Ziggy comes in three basic "flavors," if you will:



So as part of recognizing little Zomby's 100th anniversary, I thought I'd give you the current totals for each of these categories.

PANTS = 21 TIMES
NO PANTS = 57 TIMES
UNDETERMINED = 25 TIMES

The clear winner here is NO PANTS, which has more cartoons than the other two categories combined.

Thank you for your continued patronage.

ZOMBY confonts an actual, honest-to-god hippie!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

This just in: ZOMBY is gross

A special song for St. Patrick's Day: "Oh Zombie Boy"



Hey out there, party people. I thought I'd switch things up on St. Pat's Day and give you an all-new version of an old Irish standard. Here then is "Oh, Zombie Boy."



And if you care to sing along, here are the lyrics...

Oh zombie boy
You've got the whole town screaming
And that's because
You died a week ago
Can it be you? Or am I only dreaming?
Indeed 'tis you
But how I just don't know

Was it some plague
Which gave you animation
or just some vague
Type of a voodoo spell
Perhaps a blaaaaaaaast
Of cosmic radiation
Or maybe they're just out of room
Down there in Hell

Oh, Danny Boyle
Might cast you as an extra
Apart from that
Don't think you'll get much work
Your skin's turned gray
And has a bumpy texture
And now you moan and stumble like a jerk

Don't eat my brains
My brains are not for eating
They're in my skull
And that's where they shall dwell
You zombie freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak
I think you should be leaving
Or I'll lobotomize you with a shotgun shell

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Infamous "Zombie Vs. Duck" Scene!!!!



P.S. - If you're wondering how this is about the T-Mobile Girl, that's who they're fighting over.

I've decided to make my blog exclusively about the T-Mobile girl

Here I am, standing next to Carly Foulkes.

"I blog about these things." - Some poindexter in the T-Mobile commercial standing next to Carly Foulkes

You know what, readers? I've had it. Had. It. I've had it with zombies. I've had it with cemeteries and corpses and limbs rotting off and brains being eaten -- the whole nine-and-a-half yards, basically, of zombie-dom. It's ugly. It's upsetting. It's depressing. You know what's none of those things? The T-Mobile commercials with Carly Foulkes.

See that girl in the picture at the beginning of the article? That's Carly Foulkes. Nice, right? Yeah, I thought so.

Her commercials seem to be filmed in the same featureless white void where Justin Long and John Hodgman once did their "I'm a Mac"/"I'm a PC" commercials. Presumably, Carly entered this mysterious realm, conquered it, then killed and ate her rivals. I don't know what she does there all day. Presumably, she's on the phone a lot -- talking or texting or surfing or watching Inception or whatever the hell it is that people with fancy phones do. She seems to have an entire wardrobe of pink dresses, along with matching shoes and lipstick. Not much more is known about her. She's like a magical cell phone pixie or something.

Anyway, I've decided (for obvious reasons) to switch the focus of this blog entirely to the T-Mobile girl. Because, I mean, look at her...

Adorable T-Mobile phone pixie Carly Foulkes

So, anyway, let's kick off this new era of the Dead 2 Rights blog with:

TOP 10 REASONS THAT CARLY FOULKES IS AWESOME

10. She's awesome.

9. Um...

8. I don't need eight more reasons. Look at this picture!

Carly Foulks showing a bit of nipple under a sheer white shirt.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

ZOMBY/Ziggy Trivia Challenge: Name That Mr. Fix-It!

Dearest readers,

In the past, I've told you about various character types I've noticed in the Ziggy cartoon feature. First, we talked about Generic Female Functionaries and then it was Karl Malden lookalikes.

But now there's a third Ziggy archetype I want to highlight: the skinny, cap-wearing Mr. Fix It. Generally, this fellow is an auto mechanic, as seen below...



But our mechanically-inclined ectomorphic pal turns up throughout the Ziggy-verse in a number of settings. See if you can match the following skinny Mr. Fix Its with their various occupations. The answers, as always, are in the comments section.



a. Body Shop guy
b. Pest Control guy
c. Plumber
d. Computer Repair guy


Good luck.

At long last... ZOMBY!!! sneaks in some social commentary

Friday, March 11, 2011

Need your help: New Yorker Caption Contest



Citizens:

Are you familiar with the New Yorker Caption Contest? Well, it's a weekly contest sponsored by the New Yorker magazine in which readers submit various "funny" captions for a cartoon, and then a group of judges narrow the submissions down to three contenders which then get voted on by the public. The winner doesn't really get anything out of it, but the contest is a big deal (among nerds) nevertheless. Folks, I won't lie to you: I want to win this contest. So here's what I need you to do -- think of something funny to say about the following cartoon and post it in the comments section.

Thanks,

Wayne



Naw, I'm just joshin' ya. If you come up with a good caption for this cartoon, please enter it yourself at the New Yorker's website. Me, I'm damned well stumped by this particular cartoon. Tell me -- and please be honest -- if any of the following strike you as even remotely humorous.

  • "Save the jive talk, copper! I don't recognize your precious laws of physics!"
  • "What can I say, officer? I was in a Shriners parade, got bored, made a left turn, drank about 15 cans of Four Loko, and now I'm here."
  • "Ever considered a career in pornography? 'Cause I could totally make that happen."
  • "Boy, are you going to have a great story to tell your no-doubt-hideous wife!"
  • "Be honest. Wouldn't you rather know how I did this than give me that ticket?"
  • "I'm in your house! Call me!"
  • "What part of 'I'M ON A BOAT' don't you understand, officer?"
Yikes. Maybe I'll have better luck next week. Now you may have noticed that some of these captions make absolutely no sense. Allow me to explain: I thought it would be (somehow) super funny if the cop pulled over the boat/car and then the driver said some completely whacked-out, bat-shit-insane non sequitir. The "I'm in your house!" one, for instance, comes from the movie Lost Highway. I mean, if you were a cop and somebody said that to you, wouldn't you be freaked out a little?

Anyway, here's a song which suits the cartoon better than any caption ever could: "Boat of Car" by They Might Be Giants.



The joke's on you... ZOMBY has no muscle.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

UPDATED! Because everyone likes a good Shatner joke, right?


Get it? It's one of those pop culture references you've been hearing about.

This was my latest contribution to So Much Pun! I don't know if it'll make the homepage or not, but I thought I'd share it with you anyway. I almost wish the guy doing the crossword had been Leonard Nimoy. That way, Shatner could complain about being -- brace yourselves -- "SPOCK BLOCKED!"

UPDATE: Turns out, I did make the homepage after all. Please to go vote. Or don't. Whatevs.

Congratulations, ZOMBY, on scarring yet another plumber for life!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

ZOMBY's long-lost first cousin...? (AND A BONUS ZOMBIE PSA!)



ZOMBY has always kind of reminded me of the singing globe from the "Energy Blues" episode of Schoolhouse Rock.

What do you think?



While I'm on the subject of vintage Public Service Announcements (or PSAs), I have to show you this clip I found on YouTube. It combines a vintage PSA with some zombie footage, and I think you'll dig it.





Plot twist! ZOMBY caught "canoodling" with another "woman"!



What, you thought our hero could be allowed to be happy for two consecutive days? In the Z-man's defense, Resusci Anne is pretty hot. And a blonde to boot!

Check out this seductive, come-hither pose:



Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A perfect theme song for Charlie Sheen


(photo source: The Zombie Nation)

Here's the perfect theme song for Charlie's chosen lifestyle: "The King of Joy" by Bill Drummond. (Don't let that five-minute running time fool you. Bill's song is just at the beginning of the clip.)



ZOMBY meets Scumbag Steve, Pharmacist!




Need a refresher course in the saga of Scumbag Steve and his infamous hat? Start here.