Saturday, April 18, 2015

Larry: A short story by Joe Blevins

This is the huge, orange face America eventually grew to love.

Prefatory notes by the author: "Larry" was actually written back in 2008 when there was such a thing as Larry King Live on television. The way it came about was that I was browsing through CNN's website and found some old Larry King transcripts there. Reading through them, I realized that Mr. King's particular brand of rambling, disjointed insanity was even funnier when soberly transcribed word for word. Believe me, what you're about to read is only a mild exaggeration of an actual King interview. Also, back when I wrote this, I was a professional transcriptionist and spent many hours and days and weeks of my life listening to recordings of focus groups and telephone surveys and converting them into text documents. So I was in complete sympathy with the person who had the task of transcribing Larry King Live. By the way, woodchucks are funny to me for some reason. Enjoy.


CNN LARRY KING LIVE

Interview With Grover Fosdick

Aired January 29, 2008 - 21:00 ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY IS NOT IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY CONTAIN INACCURACIES AND INCONSISTENCIES.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE - OPENING GRAPHICS)

LARRY KING, HOST: Tonight. Exclusive. Shocking revlations. Terrible things will be revealed. Terrible, terrible things. Grover Fosdick. You know him as Shingle-Eatin' Sid the Shingle-Eating Kid from the Waverly Roofing Tile commercials of the late Seventies. Also did some softcore in the Eighties. Kinda weak. Not my thing. But anyway, tonight. Here. Our studio. He will reveal a dark secret that might help others who have gone through the same ordeal. Grover Fosdick. An intense and disturbing hour next on LARRY KING LIVE.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

KING: Good evening, welcome to this edition of LARRY KING LIVE. Our special guest tonight, Grover Fosdick, actor, personality, roofing tile endorser, best known -- softcore performer, too, of course. But best known as Shingle-Eatin' Sid in the Waverly Roofing Tile commercials. Let's take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE - OLD TV COMMERCIAL SHOWS TOW-HEADED CHILD TRYING TO BITE INTO A ROOFING TILE. UNABLE TO DO SO, HE LOOKS INTO CAMERA AND SHRUGS. AN ANIMATED WOODCHUCK ENTERS.)

WOODCHUCK: Waverly Roofing Tiles!

CHILD: Can't bite 'em!

(END VIDEOTAPE - LARRY HAS NOW BEEN JOINED ON THE PANEL BY THE GROWN-UP GROVER FOSDICK.)

KING: "Can't bite 'em." Brilliant! And now that actor, Grover Fosdick, is here with a difficult and possibly embarrassing story which he feels he needs to share with the viewing public. Why, Grover? Why here? Why now?

FOSDICK: Well, Larry, a number of reasons, really. Your show is seen by millions of people.

KING: Millions.

FOSDICK: I know I certainly tune in every night, and I've seen the way you handle shocking and embarrassing revelations of this nature, and I felt I wanted to be part of that. I saw your interview with Willie Aames for instance when he made a similar announcement, and I felt you handled that very sensitively. So if I'm going to reveal this to America, it might as well be here.

KING: Take us back, Grover. Way back. Back into time.

FOSDICK: Okay.

KING: You back?

FOSDICK: I'm back.

KING: What happened, Grover?

FOSDICK: Well, I was erotically abused by a woodchuck.

KING: What, recently? In the green room or...?

FOSDICK: No, no. Years ago.

KING: When you were a kid.

FOSDICK: Yes.

KING: Woodchuck. How old?

FOSDICK: Well, it all started at the age of six.

KING: So the woodchuck was six. Is that pretty old for...

FOSDICK: No, I was six.

KING: You were six. So how old was...

FOSDICK: I wouldn't know.

KING: Now, I have to ask this. America wants to know. Was this the same woodchuck from the TV commercial? The famous Waverly Woodchuck?

FOSDICK: Uh, that woodchuck was animated, Larry.

KING: So if that woodchuck was not the culprit, who was?

FOSDICK: I'd rather not reveal the name. I know Willie Aames didn't name that particular kangaroo, for instance.

KING: Why won't you say the name, Grover?

FOSDICK: A variety of legal and career reasons, mainly. I know this particular woodchuck still works and is still very much a presence in the Hollywood community. I don't want to give him the publicity.

KING: The publicity? But this is terrible publicity for him! Or it, or whatever.

FOSDICK: This is terrible publicity for the woodchuck, yes, but as I said this thing is still in the courts.

KING: So when did this all begin? You were how old, twelve or...?

FOSDICK: As I said, this situation began when I was six.

KING: Six. What was going through your mind? What did you do? What did the woodchuck do? Was there penetration? Six!

FOSDICK: Well, Larry, I don't really want to go into the graphic details here. I mean, I was so young at the time.

KING: Six!

FOSDICK: Six, yes. I mean, I don't think at that age I could even distinguish between a woodchuck and a prairie dog, much less make sense of...

KING: Or a gopher.

FOSDICK: Or a gopher, either.

KING: A beaver?

FOSDICK A beaver maybe. They're kind of easy to distinguish because of the tail and the teeth.

KING: Right! Tail! Teeth! Beaver! A no-brainer. Where were your parents in all of this, Grover? Watching? Videotaping?

FOSDICK: Oh, no. No, no, no.

KING: Did they know what was going on?

FOSDICK: That's always the question that comes up, Larry.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

KING: So did they know or what? This is only an hour-long show, kid. Speaking of which, we have to pause for a commercial break. But we'll be right back with Grover Groundhog, woodchuck f*cker.

FOSDICK: Huh?

KING: See, that's how we prove it's live.

FOSDICK: Oh.

(BEGIN COMMERCIAL)

(END COMMERCIAL)

KING: And we're back with Grover Fosdick. Now, Grover, that's the name of one of the Muppets on SESAME STREET. Am I right?

FOSDICK: Uh, yes.

KING: You know who I like on that show?

FOSDICK: I, um...

KING: Oscar!

FOSDICK: Oh.

KING: Oscar the Grouch! Hilarious!

FOSDICK: Yeah.

KING: "I love trash!" "I'm a grouch!" Brilliant! One of my all-time favorites. He was here on the show, you know.

FOSDICK: Oh?

KING: Sat right there where you are sitting now.

FOSDICK: Hmm.

KING: Cursed like a sailor. Like a sailor! We had to have security escort him from the studio. We had the same problem with Angela Lansbury.

FOSDICK: You don't say.

KING: Oscar the Grouch! A legend! Did you ever work with him?

FOSDICK: No.

KING: Why not?

FOSDICK: I.. I don't know. Are we going to get back to my story, or...?

KING: Yes! Right after these commercial messages.

(BEGIN COMMERCIAL)

(END COMMERCIAL)

KING: We are back once again with Grover Fosdick. He has been sharing with us some startling revelations about the abuse being suffered by woodchucks. Now, are you aligned with PETA to protect these gentle creatures?

FOSDICK: No, no.

KING: Well, I don't blame you. Those PETA folks, they're a little nutty for my taste, too. But that Pamela Anderson. Hubba hubba. Am I right?

FOSDICK: Mr. King, if you'll remember, I came on this show to discuss the abuse I had received FROM a woodchuck.

KING: You were abused?

FOSDICK: Yes. By a woodchuck!

KING: A woodchuck? When did this all happen?

FOSDICK: When I was six!

KING: You heard it here first, viewers! Grover Fosdick, beloved child actor of the Seventies, admits he has been abusing a six-year old woodchuck, one of the very animals he claims to be protecting. Why do you do it, Grover? Not getting enough at home? Do you plan to stop? Are you seeking help? Was there penetration? America demands answers!

FOSDICK: I think there's been some misunderstanding. Is there some other geriatric host I can talk to?

(AT THIS POINT, THE TRANSCRIBER REFUSES TO TYPE ANOTHER SENTENCE AND IN FACT IS GOING TO GO HANG HIMSELF. THE END.)

3 comments:

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