Thursday, December 16, 2010

MOZ rarity: a Wayne Kotke script!

Not to shatter your illusions or anything, but my segments for Mail Order Zombie are not being performed live as you listen to the podcast. No, they are scripted and recorded several days in advance. Normally, I do not save the scripts to my computer after the segment is recorded. Once the MP3 has been sent off to Brother D, I delete the script from my hard drive, figuring I won't need it anymore. But occasionally, I forget.

Here, then, is the script for my segment from Mail Order Zombie's historic 100th episode from December 2009. You'll remember that was their big Dawn of the Dead spectacular. My segment was done as a "break-in record," i.e. a phony news report with clips of famous pop songs. The script is actually a little different from what I ended up recording. I don't know why. Anyway, give it a read. Please note that these scripts are typed very quickly and contain numerous typos. I'm leaving them in for the purposes of historical accuracy.

[music: first 18 seconds of "Mr. Jaws"]

Hello once again, this is Wayne Kotke, president spokesman and founder of dead 2 rights an organization fighting for the rights of the living impaired. You've just heard a few seconds of "Mr. Jaws," a Top 10 hit from 1975 by Dickie Goodman. It's an example of a so-called "break-in" record, a novelty record structured like a news report and featuring cleverly-edited samples from various pop songs. Break-in records have been with us since the 1950s, and they've covered topics ranging from UFOs to politics, but as far as I know there's never been one about the George Romero films, particularly "Dawn of the Dead." So on the occasion of Mail Order Zombie's 100th episode, I thought I'd rectify that right now.

So with your kind indulgence, I'd like to present "Mr. Dawn," a break-in record by Wayne Kotke. Hope you enjoy.

[MUSIC: "The Gonk"]

ANNOUNCER: We are not going to interrupt THIS record!

[MUSIC "The Gonk"]

ANNOUNCER: Yes, we are. This is a special news bulletin. As incredible as it may sound, the recently deceased are returning to life as flesh-eating ghouls and are attacking the living. When asked for his assessment of the situation, President Carter said:

[MUSIC: Carpenters - "End of the World"]

["It's the end of the world."]

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, Pennsylvania governor Milton Schapp has issued the following statement:

[MUSIC: Shangri Las - "Remember"]

["Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no!"]

ANNOUNCER: We take you now live to our on-the-spot reporter.

[SFX: Zombie growls in BG]

SNIPP: Hello, folks, this is Skipp Snipp, your on the spot reporter with all the news that is news, coming to you live from the parking lot of the Monroeville Mall, where the flesh-eating zombies have gathered in search of living victims. I wish you could see this, folks. There must be...

[MUSIC - Royal Guardsmen - "Snoopy v. red baron"]

["ten 20 30 40 50 or more]

SNIPP: I'm going to attempt to interview one of the ghouls now. Excuse me, sir, what's it like to be a zombie?

[MUSIC - Grand Funk - "Locomotion"]

[I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now]

SNIPP: Well, I'll just take your word for it. But first...


SNIPP: Hey, watch it, buddy! You just tried to bite me!

[MUSIC: J. Lennon - "Jealous Guy"]

[I didn't mean to hurt you / I'm sorry that I made you cry]

SNIPP: Well, folks, the situation looks hopeless. I guess we can just about...

[SFX: Helicopter overhead]

SNIPP: Waitaminute, folks. There's something flying overhead!

[MUSIC - Chubby Checker - "Let's Twist Again"]

["Is it a bird? NO! Is it a plane? NO! Is it the twister?"]

SNIPP: No! It's a helicopter! It's landing on top of the mall, and it looks like some survivors are getting out. Wonder how many there are?

[MUSIC - Any Ramones song - "1234!"]

SNIPP: I'm now inside the mall talking with the four survivors. Excuse me, sir, I see your a member of a SWAT team.

[Few seconds of SWAT theme]

SNIPP: can you tell me your name?

[MUSIC: "Peter the Meter Reader"]

["Hi! My name is Peter!"]

SNIPP: And Peter, what is your top priority while you're inside this mall?

[MUSIC: Bee Gees - "Stayin alive"]

["Stayin alliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive"]

SNIPP: What are you going to do first?

[MUSIC: Ike & TIna - "Finger Poppin'}

[I'm goin' shoppin / finger finger poppin on you!]

SNIPP: I'm now talking to Roger, another SWAT team member among the survivors. Tell me, Roger, what are you looking for in this mall?

[MUSIC - Clash - "Police & Thieves"]

[Guns and ammunition]

SNIPP: What kind of food have you found in this mall?

[MUSIC: "Long Tall Glasses" by Leo Sayer]

[There was wine and there was turkey there was caviar and long tall glasses with wine up to hyar"]

SNIPP: Besides the SWAT team members, there are two other survivors here, a lovely young couple, Fran and Steven. Tell me, kids, what's on your mind these days?

[MUSIC: Desi Arnaz - "We're Having a Baby"]

[We're having a baby / My baby and me]

SNIPP: Uh oh! It looks like Roger's become one of the zombies! What's Peter going to do?

{SFX: Bang Bang]

SNIPP: Any last words, Roger?

["Bang bang, he shot me down / Bang bang I hit the ground / Bang bang!"]

SNIPP: Well, those are the breaks, Rog. Life must go on. Oh, isn't that sweet? It looks like Steven is proposing to Fran. I wonder what she'l say.

[MUSIC: Human Beings - "Nobody but Me"]

[No no no no no no no no no]

SNIPP: I didn't quite catch that, Fran.

{no no no no nono no]

SNIPP: One more time.

[No no no no no nono]

SNIPP: Any response, Steven?

[MUSIC: "LOve Hurts"]

[Ooooohhhh, Love hurts!]

SNIPP: News Flash! THere's been a new development int he story! It seems some other survivors have broken into the mall. It looks like a gang of bikers! Who's that out in front?

[MUSIC: "The leader of teh pack. Vroom vroooooom]

SNIPP: Oh, dear folks. Zombies have overtaken the mall, and it looks like they've attacking Steven! Tell us, Steven, what's it like to be bitten by those things?

[MUSIC - Stevie Wonder - Sir Duke]

["You can feel it all over"]

SNIPP: Well, it looks like time is running out for our survivors. It looks like Peter is saying something to Fran.

["We got to get out of this place / If it's the last thing we ever do"]

SNIPP: And why's that, Peter?

["Girl there's a better life for me and you"]

[SFX - Helicopter taking off]

SNIPP: And there they go, headed off in the helicopter towards an uncertain future. I think we can just hear them singing a farewell song...

[MUSIC: Four Seasons - "Dawn Go Away"]

[Dawn go away I'm no good for you (repeat and fade)]


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