Ed Wood's Warm Angora Wishes: "Best Laid Plans"

A tattooed rooster is just part of "Best Laid Plans."

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's Warm Angora Wishes and Rubber Octopus Dreams (Arcane Shadows Press, 2024).

The story: "Best Laid Plans" by R.S. Butler

The mourners of Plan 9.

Synopsis: Aboard Space Station 7, orbiting somewhere in the cosmos, the alien ruler Reagor laments the failure of Plan 9. Some members of his race had visited Earth and had used electrodes to bring several dead earthlings back to life: an old man named Mora, his wife Luna, and a police officer named Inspector Clay. The goal had been to frighten the earthlings into submission and thus prevent them from developing a deadly weapon called Solaronite. But the plan, led by aliens Eros and Tanna, had been a disaster. Both Eros and Tanna had been killed, their ship had exploded, and the three zombies they'd managed to create had all been destroyed.

Reagor's chief scientist, Daco, demonstrates how he has already cloned the zombie police officer, Inspector Clay. Reagor is pleased by this and imagines a whole army of Clay zombies with which he could easily conquer Earth. The alien ruler then meets with Alros, who is taking over the mission that his late brother Eros started. Alros reports that he will now use Plan 13, which involves turning humans into animals, and states that he will initiate this plan in San Fernando, CA, the same town that had been the focal point of Plan 9.

Meanwhile, in San Fernando, a human couple named Alvin and Sylvia Houser are awaiting the arrival of Sylvia's freeloading Uncle Stanley. Al and Sylvia are the same couple who attended Mora's funeral and discovered the bodies of the gravediggers at the local cemetery. (From the Housers' conversation, we learn that Mora and Luna were actors, which is why they were buried in vampire costumes.) There is a flash of bright light outside the house, and they discover a rooster with a Marine tattoo in Uncle Stanley's car. Stanley himself, however, seems to be missing. 

The next morning, the Housers are stunned to see numerous strange animals wandering the streets of their neighborhood. Some of these creatures are wearing familiar items of clothing, leading the Housers to believe that human beings are being turned into animals. A strange beeping sound compels them to visit the nearby cemetery, where they discover a flying saucer. By remote control, Alros zaps Alvin with various painful rays but fails to turn him into an animal. The aliens declare Plan 13 a failure and depart, leaving the Housers to tell their strange story to the police officers who have arrived on the scene.

Back at Space Station 7, Alros reports to Reagor that Plan 13 has also failed. He says the aliens should now follow Plan Zero, which involves doing nothing whatsoever. Through their pollution and unhealthy habits, the earthlings will destroy themselves long before they get around to inventing Solaronite. Reagor is very pleased to hear this.

Excerpt:

"Very well, Your Excellency," responded Alros. "We at first tried Plan 11 where we turned off their power and then intermittently turned on a light at one house or a light at another and so on. They each thought each other was the cause of the goings on and soon each one was bitted against each other. As an experiment we targeted one of their streets, Maple Street, I believe. The results were very favorable." 

Rhinoceros (1974)

Reflections: After a brief and welcome detour into Ed Wood's crime thrillers, Warm Angora Wishes returns to familiar territory with "Best Laid Plans." This is yet another story set in the universe of Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957), and, like most of the others, it has the word "plan" right in the title. It also speculates about what the aliens' other plans might have been, as "Plan  9.1 from Outer Space" did just two stories ago. So how do I make this interesting for myself?

Back in 1959—the same year Plan 9 finally achieved commercial release—a Romanian-French playwright named Eugene Ionesco debuted his three-act play Rhinoceros. Intended as a commentary on the rise of fascism and conformity run amok, it tells the story of a French town where the citizens start turning into rhinos until only one human is left. I mostly know this play through a very strange 1974 film adaptation starring Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel of The Producers (1967). When the good people of San Fernando started turning into animals in "Best Laid Plans," I thought of poor, overwhelmed Gene Wilder dealing with the rhino infestation.

This story also reminded me a bit of The Metamorphosis (1915) by Franz Kafka. That novella centers around a lowly German office clerk, Gregor Samsa, who transforms into a giant insect overnight. What makes the story darkly funny is the fact that Gregor's most pressing concern is how his monstrous transformation will affect his dull job. He and his family are still fixated on mundane, day-to-day realities despite the incredible, impossible event that has happened in their lives. 

There's a similar feeling to certain passages of "Best Laid Plans." Alvin Houser's neighbors have turned into zoo animals, and he speculates how this will impact his daily commute. Should he call into work and tell them he's going to be late?  Part of the fun of a short story like this is seeing how average people react to extraordinary events that could only happen in science-fiction. Speaking of which, kudos to author R.S. Butler for tying Plan 9 from Outer Space into the same universe as the famed Twilight Zone episode "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street" (1960).

P.S. Rhinoceros has a less-than-sterling critical reputation, which is understandable. It's a difficult film to get used to and makes a poor first impression, largely because of the highly stylized way in which it is written and acted. But I think the film has a lot to recommend it, especially if you enjoyed Wilder and Mostel in The Producers. I would tell people not to go into Rhinoceros expecting a naturalistic, "normal" viewing experience. It's closer in tone to a Kafka story crossed with a Monty Python sketch. Give it a shot someday.