Coming this November: Wayne's second novel! Featuring rock stars, monsters, and more!!

Hello, one and all.

Because of ongoing (and still not totally resolved) technical problems and a heavier-than-usual work schedule, I have not been keeping this blog updated as much as I would like. But I wanted to share some news with you, dear readers.

I am currently in the process of researching my second novel! And for a change, I'm going to actually try to make this one good!

Last November, I participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and actually did manage to finish a 50,000-word novel, an attempted satire about the paper towel industry called Perforated. If you're feeling brave, the whole thing is available FREE right here! I actually chose the subject of the novel on November 1 and improvised the entire thing as I went along. The novel is really a garbage dump of unused comedic ideas that had been percolating in my head for months or years.

This year, I wanted to plan ahead a little. A lot, in fact. My plan is to make my second novel -- still untitled (though I have a few ideas) -- actually readable and entertaining. The subject matter is directly inspired by an episode of the Mail Order Zombie podcast. Not long ago, MOZ's Brother D and Need a Nickname Scott reviewed a low-budget independent zombie movie entitled Buddy Bebop Vs. The Living Dead, which takes characters clearly based on Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley and pits them against the relentless undead hordes. Unfortunately, the movie itself is not terribly good. Neither D nor Scott enjoyed it, and when D generously sent a copy my way, I found it pretty disappointing as well. But I was still quite intrigued with the concept of taking 1950s rockers and placing them in a horror-movie setting.

So that's exactly what I'm going to do. My upcoming book is going to be about a world-class monster-hunting squad consisting of Elvis Presley, Little Richard, Buddy Holly, Jerry Lee Lewis and Chuck Berry. Basically, think of it as Ghostbusters but set in 1957 and starring 1950s rockers instead of 1980s comedians. Besides the luminaries mentioned, I am going to try to work in cameos by Fats Domino, the Everly Brothers, President Eisenhower, and more.

This is going to take some planning and research. For the last couple of months, I've been reading up on all five of my main protagonists. After that, I'll be working on outlining my plot. I really hope this book turns out well. Either way, though, I'll find a way to share it with anyone who is interested.

Wish me luck!

How to beat those post-Halloween blues

My fellow citizens of the world,

If you are reading this blog post, then I'm guessing you are probably a regular listener of the Mail Order Zombie podcast. Knowing this, I can further extrapolate that you enjoy horror movies, haunted houses, costume parties, and all the trappings of the Halloween season. Sadly, your favorite month -- October -- has now passed. Over. Finito. Gone with the wind. It is possible that you are now suffering from something like post-partum depression. Your blood-stained hockey mask and jumpsuit are in storage. You just ate your last Tootsie Roll Midgee. And the neighbors are starting to ask when you'll get around to taking that hilarious fake corpse off your front porch. (It is fake, isn't it?)

In short, you've got those post-Halloween blues, and you've got 'em bad. Well, fear not! Because your old living impaired buddy, Wayne, is here to help you get through November with these fun suggestions:

1. Use the word "turducken" often and in completely inappropriate circumstances. Example: as a profanity while driving.

2. Spend some quality time with your oldest and dearest friend -- namely, television. Did you know that both 90210 and Melrose Place are back on the air? These are truly remarkable times to be alive. (Even if, like me, you're not alive.)

3. Keep elaborate journals about the personal hygiene habits of your coworkers. Keep score using a complex rating system of your own creation. Deduct points for dirty fingernails, nose hairs, excess earwax, etc.

4. Call people. Doesn't matter whom. It's all good, as they say. I'm sure the person on the other end will be happy to hear from you, whoever they are.

5. Master a new skill that you've always wanted to learn, such as impersonating celebrities who died decades ago. I'm working on my Walter Brennan now.

If all else fails, put yourself into cryogenic storage with specific instructions: "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL OCTOBER 2010"