Once a year, a new 'Zomby'

That's the deal.

Zomby (briefly) Returns: This is what creative desperation looks like

The first new "Zomby" cartoon in nearly two years. So, um, enjoy, I guess.

Zomby, a zombified parody of Tom Wilson's long-running newspaper cartoon series Ziggy, used to be an important recurring feature at Dead 2 Rights. That was before Ed Wood more or less hijacked this blog and (posthumously) made it his own. The premise was exceedingly simple. I'd take that day's Ziggy panel, turn the title character gray in Microsoft Paint, and change the punchline so that it was about a reanimated corpse who feasted on the living rather than a sweet, bumbling loser who couldn't get decent customer service. The joke, I guess, was that even in this supposedly-terrifying form, Zomby was just as much as an ineffectual, put-upon loser as Ziggy was. It was a way of taking some then-trendy monsters who were dominating films, TV, and video games and removing everything that made them cool or threatening. I did dozens, maybe hundreds, of Zomby panels and then just sort of stopped. Apart from a few stray shamblers in Plan 9 from Outer Space and Orgy of the Dead, zombies are no longer the focal point of this blog, despite its George Romero-inspired name. So Zomby disappeared. He hasn't been seen around here since 2013.

But today, I was trying to think of something I could post to Dead 2 Rights and thought, "Hey, why don't I try to do another Zomby cartoon and see if I can still get back into that mindset." So I Googled today's Ziggy panel and found that it was one of the series' most familiar tropes: Ziggy going to a diner and getting predictably lousy treatment. (The uncouth chef tells Ziggy he's too late to get the "breakfast of champions" and will have to settle for the "brunch of also-rans." Get it? Because Ziggy fails at everything and should totally just kill himself. HA!) It reminded me of another reason I abandoned Zomby: monotony. Ziggy only does five or six basic things, over and over. He watches TV, he takes abuse from his pets (a dog, a cat, and a bird), he tries to obtain goods and services without success, etc. I was going to call him out on this, until I realized that Ziggy's life was actually more varied and interesting than mine. I mean, he has a parrot. I don't. He goes fishing (or golfing or mountain climbing) sometimes. I don't. He freely walks around in public without pants. I...  well, that's none of your business.

Anyway, I realized today that the part of my brain that could easily come up with Zomby jokes must have died a couple of years ago. And unlike Zomby himself, I don't think it can be revived.

A weird, incomprehensible new "Zomby" cartoon

You know what? I feel like doing a new "Zomby," so here's that.

How ZOMBY spends his days off

So now you know.

ZOMBY has some... uh, interesting hobbies

 

It feels nice to do a new ZOMBY! cartoon. I hadn't done one in a few months, so I thought it was time to bring him back. Hope you enjoy.

Haven't done a new ZOMBY in a while, so here's one of those.

A couple new ZOMBY! cartoons, plus a musical tribute to Mr. Christopher Columbus!

First, let's get the unpleasantness out of the way...

Quite amusing, I'm sure. Now, then, let's continue.

Columbus: And he was handsome, too!

Today, October 8, is Columbus Day. That used to mean something in this country, friends. Well, no, that's not true. For as long as I can remember, Columbus Day has always been one of those B.S. holidays that postal workers and some lucky school kids had off but which no one ever really gave a second thought. I have the day off today myself, which is why I can lounge in bed and write this very post. But it's safe to say that in my lifetime, Christopher Columbus' legacy has completely disintegrated. We weren't exactly taught to love Chrissy C as kids, but we still regarded him as a more or less a hero. After all, he "discovered America." Except, of course, he didn't. Other explorers had been here before, and besides, the land was already, uh, occupied. All Columbus really brought to America was disease, genocide, and oppression. Nowadays, I'm told, Columbus is treated as a villain in our elementary schools. Kids now think of him as a one-man combination of Hitler and the Black Plague. And who knows? Maybe that's what he deserves. But what a bummer for Columbus! He made it as far as the 1990s with his reputation intact -- 500 years! -- only to see it come crashing down in the last two decades. I honestly didn't see that coming for the poor guy. In fact, if I were to name the two societal trends which have surprised me most during my time on this planet, I would say the widespread acceptance of tattoos and the complete downgrading of Christopher Columbus.

But what a run he had before that, huh? In order to commemorate the Columbus that was (but really wasn't), I'd like to present this selection of songs written in his honor.

First up is a song called, simply, "Christopher Columbus." It was written in the 1930s by Chu Berry and Andy Razaf and has been recorded by many jazz and pop performers over the years. It's often done as an instrumental,  which is how I first heard it (in a recording by Benny Goodman), but here it is with words. And even better, it's done by one of the seminal groups of the Twentieth Century, the Ink Spots, a vocal quartet whose sound was a major influence on R&B and rock. Give this one a chance. It's really catchy.



Next up is a selection by legendary American satirist, voice-over artist, and adman Stan Freberg. It's called "Christopher Columbus Discovers America," and it's a track from his landmark 1961 LP, Stan Freberg Presents the United States of America, Volume One: The Early Years, a musical in album form which covered our nation's history from 1492 to 1783 through songs and sketches. This portion includes one such song, "It's a Round Round World," performed by Freberg himself as Columbus and character actor Jesse White (the original Maytag repairman!) as King Ferdinand.



This next one is not so familiar to me. It's an educational song about Chris, and it's credited only to the mysterious Miss Healy. I'm  including it here because it's largely representative of the image I had of Columbus as a kid. You know, "In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue" and all that jazz.



And last? Well, it's a song by Guy Mitchell (1927-1999), a Detroit-born crooner who was intensely popular and successful in the 1950s in the US and the UK but who is all but forgotten today. This particular number, titled simply "Christopher Columbus," hit #27 on the charts back in 1951. It was just one of his nine hit records that year, and Guy's monster hit ("Singing the Blues") was still five years away.



It didn't seem right to end the article without presenting the opposing side, so here to do just that is Winston Rodney, OD a.k.a. Burning Spear, legendary Jamaican reggae singer and Rastafarian evangelist. Since this song makes heavy use of Jamaican Patois, I have included a transcription of the lyrics beneath the clip. The refrain is unmistakable, though: Christopher Columbus is a damned blasted liar. We sometimes forget that Christopher Columbus is given credit for "discovering" Jamaica, too.

I and I old I know
I and I old I say
I and I reconsider
I and I see upfully that
Christopher Columbus is a damn blasted liar
Christopher Columbus is a damn blasted liar
Yes Jah

He's saying that, he is the first one
who discover Jamaica
I and I say that,
What about the Arawak Indians and the few Black man
Who were around here, before him
The Indians couldn't hang on no longer
Here comes first Black man and woman and children,
In a Jam Down Land ya
A whole heap of mix up and mix up
A whole heap a ben up, ben up,
We have fi straighten out,
Christopher Columbus is a damn blasted liar
Christopher Columbus is a damn blasted liar
Yes Jah

What a long way from home
I and I longing to go home
Within a Red, Green, and Gold Robe
Come on Twelve Tribe of Israel
Come on Twelve Tribe of Israel
Out a Jam Down land ya
A whole heap of mix up mix up
A whole heap a ben up, ben up,
Come on Twelve Tribe of Israel
Come on Twelve Tribe of Israel
Out a Jam Down land ya  Yes, Jah! 

Christopher Columbus is a damn blasted liar
Christopher Columbus is a damn blasted liar
Yes Jah, he is a liar
Yes Jah, he is a liar
Yes Jah, he is a liar
Columbus is a liar
Yes jah Christopher Columbus is a damn blasted liar
Columbus

A new "Zomby" -- plus lots of wrong Batmen

First, the new Zomby cartoon:

Okay, now here are the wrong Batmen:

And here are some more:

Why did I make all these wrong Batmen? Well, there's this site, see, called Blind as a Batman which challenges people to draw Batman with their eyes closed. The scribbles you see above are my attempts to draw the Caped Crusader in Microsoft Paint with my eyes closed. As you can see, I tried over and over again without success. I took some of my failed Batmen, colored them in, and grouped them into collages.

Yeah, I don't know either.

(today's zomby) ZOMBY, PART XVIII: THE MUTATION!

Don't worry about Janice, folks! She's making wonderful progress. See?

Why was there a second face on his nose? WHY?

picasion

Tell me this isn't more entertaining than the original "Ziggy"

Woodpeckers destroy Zomby's home!

For comparison's sake, here's the original Ziggy:

(today's zomby) And would anyone mind if I dumped a bunch of images into one post? No? Great!

First, today's Zomby:

Here's an unused Zomby Minus Zomby

Now that we have that taken care of, let's move on to other matters. Recently, I've been going through my computer deciding what files should stay and which should go, and I've come across a bunch of random junk which was apparently intended for use on this blog but which I never got around to actually posting. Some of these are incomplete. Some are just arbitrary. In many cases, I've forgotten whatever it was I was going to do with these. But before they're consigned to the ignominious fate of the Recycle Bin, I thought I'd give them one more shot at glory.

Okay with you? Great! Let's go!

(today's zomby) In which Zomby is reunited with a relative

Isn't that sweet? Zomby has found his mother. In the previous cartoon, I revealed that Zomby's last name was Zombowsky, so I guess we should have figured his mother was... Polish. Get it? Ah, I think this occasion calls for a song. Hit it, Paul.




And now here's a haunting, unknowable cityscape courtesy of the original Ziggy:

Watch out, Zig. There are litterbugs afoot!

(today's zomby) In which we find out our hero's last name! Get excited for this!

And here's another before/after GIF for your amusement:

Had to lose that great "Pet Rock" joke. Sorry.

(today's zomby) In which our hero comes to a major revelation

And for a little insight into the Kotke creative process, here's an animated GIF showing the before-and-after of this cartoon.

Ziggy and Zomby turn into each other.

(today's zomby) Zomby *IS* Lindsay Lohan in "The Parrot Trap"

By far, my greatest challenge in creating this cartoon was establishing an even somewhat plausible horizon line from the artwork in the original Ziggy. Here's the unaltered cartoon, as it appeared in newspapers today:

And here's my attempt to graph the "equator" of this cartoon:

I have no idea how rooms work in Ziggy's universe. Apparently, space is warped quite badly. I mean, just check out the line going through the parrot's head. What the hell, Zig?

(today's zomby) Get it? Huh? Do ya? Huh?

You guessed right! This was a clandestine reference to that lovable alien ALF and his penchant for eating cats. Remember ALF and what innocent, carefree times we had with him?

Yeah, that was all a lie. When the camera wasn't rolling, Gordon Shumway was profane and racist, mocking people with Tourette's Syndrome and making extremely inappropriate advances to teen-aged cast mate Andrea Elson. (Warning: NSFW language ahead. And it's all coming from ALF!)


Yeah, Elson's obvious discomfort makes this especially cringe-worthy. I think we all need to go pray now.

P.S. - I think this is one of the many cartoons which works better if Ziggy/Zomby is removed entirely. Here, see for yourself..

(today's zomby) And this incredible clip of Tiny Tim!

Why does the cat look happy and Zomby look worried?

I'm not sure I get this one.

I think the implication is that Zomby transmitted his... uh, zombie-ism to the cat in a wildly inappropriate way. I don't really like to think about it. You know what I'd rather think about? THIS!

A young Tiny Tim

That's right! It's one of the Twentieth Century's greatest all-around entertainers!

Tiny Tim (a.k.a. Herbert Khaury) performed the song "Earth Angel" with his all-girl backing band, the Enchanted Forest, on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1970. This was Ed's second to last year on the air, and it is clear from watching a clip of the show that the host was going out in that old proverbial blaze of glory. Imagine something this bizarre going out to millions of living rooms on Sunday night across the nation. Ed's behavior at the end of it is priceless. He forcibly takes the mike away from Tim like a humorless high school principal and inquires, "When you were down there, you didn't hurt yourself?" Notice how gentle and shy Tim is when he assures Old Stoneface that he's fine. What a marked difference from the wildly emotional performer we'd just seen a few moments earlier!

Tim made one final appearance The Ed Sullivan Show after this, but the greatest talent showcase television has ever known -- or will ever know -- disappeared for good on May 30, 1971 after 1,054 episodes. Ed himself died three years later at the age of 73. Tim, who claimed to know literally thousands of tunes and considered himself a traditional "song-plugger," soldiered on until 1996 when he collapsed during a performance for a women's church group in Minnesota and never regained consciousness. He was 64.

(today's zomby) There's a long road ahead, Zombie...

(today's zomby) ZOMBY VS. FRANKENSTEIN... and it's not nearly as exciting as you think.

But just so you won't feel cheated, here's some real Frankenstein action!

(from l to right) Jackson Beck; Peter Fernandez

Two of the all-time greats in the voiceover business were Jackson Beck (1912-2004) and Peter Fernandez (1927-2010). Beck you probably know as the voice of Bluto in dozens and dozens of Popeye cartoons from the 1940s to the 1960s, but he had lots of other voice gigs, too, from Woody Allen's Take the Money and Run to the 1980s G.I. Joe cartoons and innumerable Little Caesar's pizza commercials. And Fernandez? Well, out of his many credits, you probably know him best as the title character on Speed Racer. Both Beck and Fernandez had diverse and varied careers which spanned decades, and in the year or Our Lord 1970 A.D., they teamed up to record an audio version of Frankenstein. Beck narrates, while Fernandez plays the tragic doctor. It's a fascinating little curio, and if you have half an hour to spare, it's well worth your time. Enjoy...