Podcast Tuesday: "Down in the Malph"

Jack Dodson and Don Most on Happy Days.

One of ABC's more, uh, eccentric decisions in the spring of 1980 was to schedule the episode "Ralph's Family Problem" as the seventh season finale of Happy Days. On some level, it makes sense. Actor Don Most was leaving the long-running sitcom, and the episode highlights his character, jokester Ralph Malph. And the episode's not bad by any means. It's always a pleasure when TV veteran Jack Dodson returns as Ralph's father, zany optometrist Dr. Mickey Malph. This was a classy way for Happy Days to say goodbye to both Ralph Malph (the character) and Don Most (the actor).

On the other hand, "Ralph's Family Problem" is not at all typical for Happy Days and is definitely not the kind of splashy entertainment normally reserved for the end of a TV season. Instead, it's a quietly dramatic, downbeat episode in which Ralph grapples with his parents' imminent divorce. There's a lot of moping and soul-searching in this story, and the episode ends on a quietly ambiguous note. That's not exactly Happy Days' brand. For seven seasons, we've seen Ralph as the inveterate class clown, always making corny jokes. Only rarely do we get the impression that there's a real, vulnerable human being behind the dribble glasses and whoopie cushions.

This week's installment of These Days Are Ours: A Happy Days Podcast is a special one, since we're not only reviewing "Ralph's Family Problem" but giving our Top 5 lists for the year. We also give our overall thoughts on the seventh season and the show's future without Ron Howard and Don Most. We hope you'll join us.

Nick Cannon escapes from Shawshank

Marriage, madness, and Mariah: a bunny-suited Nick Cannon asks for help. With his eyes.

Look at those eyes.

The marriage of pop superdiva Mariah Carey and (actor? rapper?) public figure Nick Cannon appears to be over. They've filed for the big D after months of living separately.

I know, I know. You're devastated. After all, if the star of Glitter and the guy who stands off to the side of the stage on America's Got Talent can't make it work, what chance do the rest of us have? We should probably just intentionally steer the entire planet directly into the sun right now.

But let us not judge these two exemplars of amour too harshly for shattering our romantic illusions. They're just human, like you and me. Well, Mariah's not. I'm pretty sure she was hatched from some sort of pod deep within the Monsanto Experimental Testing Labs.

But Nick, he's just flesh and blood, the poor dope. He probably got into this Mariah Carey marriage business for all the reasons you'd guess, only to realize he'd just purchased a one-way ticket to hell. I mean, look at this photo of Nick, Mariah, and their two children at Easter. Nick is in a bunny costume, which I can say with 400% certainty was Mariah's idea. Does he look happy? No. No, he does not look happy. He looks like a man who's seriously considering either drinking bleach or throwing himself in front of the path of a Greyhound bus, anything to get out of this situation.

I want you to look deep into Nick Cannon's eyes and try to find the human being in there. 'Cause he's in there, hidden away in that bunny costume, which manages to be somehow even more demoralizing than the one in A Christmas Story. Stare into those eyes, and you'll see why Nick had to get the hell out of Shawshank, even if it meant crawling through a river of unicorn shit.