The complete and utter horror of... FOO TI FUM!

That crudely-rendered monster is Foo Ti Fum. The city he's terrorizing is Portland, Oregon.

My cousin's favorite gum

When I was growing up in Michigan, my uncle and his family lived right down the street from us, so my cousins were regular visitors to our home, especially during the summers. My uncle's youngest son, Derrick, was practically a brother to me in those days. He was one of those kids who, like the tykes in Family Circus, was always mispronouncing words in a way which grownups found cute. Derrick had a genuine love for Fruit Stripe gum back then, which I could never understand because, even at that age, I knew that Fruit Stripe was a total ripoff. A few seconds of flavor, then nothing.

Well, anyway, Derrick could never manage to say "Fruit Stripe gum" correctly, and it always came out sounding like "Foo Ti Fum." And that particular turn of phrase lodged itself into my mind and stayed there, long after I moved away from Michigan and my relatives. When I learned of a Marvel Comics character called Fin Fang Foom, I began to think of "Foo Ti Fum" as a similar character, a huge, snarling monster with the exact color scheme of the Fruit Stripe gum packaging.

This thought became so deeply rooted in my mind that, in moments of extreme boredom, I would actually Google "Foo Ti Fum" hoping to see pictures of this totally nonexistent character. Of course, nothing came up. Well, I finally decided to fix that. Here is a genuine article about Foo Ti Fum with a picture to go with it. If I ever Google the beast's name again, this will appear. That's good enough for me.

X is for X-ray (Day 24)

Look at the monster's x-ray.

The letter X affords one very few choices in a project like this. I suppose "x-ray" was about all I could come up with. What else was there? Perhaps "The xylophone is memorably used to evoke the sound of rattling bones in Camille Saint-Saëns' eerie Danse Macabre." But that would have been a little beyond me at that age, so I went with the tried-and-true "x-ray." As this drawing shows, my knowledge of x-ray technology derives almost entirely from cartoons.

Q is for Queer (Day 17)

Look at the queer monster.

Who knows what goes through kids' minds? I sure as hell don't. If I did, I'd write a book on the subject, promote it on the daytime talk shows, and make a fortune from frustrated mothers across the country. I can tell you, though, that the word "queer" merely meant "unusual" to me as a kid, so no subtext can or should be implied. As for this creature's passing resemblance to Lord Vishnu, I can tell you with some surety that Hinduism was well beyond my ken at that age. Perhaps I'd seen a picture of the deity, and it had made an impression upon me. Draw your own conclusions. And your own pictures for that matter.

M is for Monster (Day 13)

Look at the ugly monster.

This page reminds me of an old Basil Wolverton cartoon of a creature with incredibly stumpy legs and just as incredibly long arms. I don't know if I'd seen that cartoon by this point in my life, because it was in an issue of the comic book Plop! I don't think if I'd gotten into vintage comics yet at that point in my life. More precognition? Anyway, I'm not sure why I made this monster blind or why there is a stick of dynamite on his head or what those things are coming out of his ears. That's all lost to history.

P.S. And, hey, whaddya know? If you do an image search for "Basil Wolverton Plop," that cartoon I mentioned is the very first thing to come up. In fact, it's used to illustrate the Wikipedia entry for Plop! Enjoy...

Basil Wolverton's cover for Plop.

L is for Look (Day 12)

Look at the monster roar and rage!

Examine the work of any artist or author, and you are bound to see patterns. I was no exception. The picture for this entry shows the young man's continuing obsession with bear-like "monsters", and the text is yet more elementary Dick & Jane-ery. But I still like this page quite a bit, not least for its use of the word "rage" and the feral quality of the illustration. Yep, I was one disturbed kid.

F is for Frankenstein (Day 6)

Frankenstein is very scary.

Or "Frankinstein." Whatever. And before you mention it, yes, I know that "Frankenstein" is the name of the doctor, not the monster. In fact, I wrote a song all about it, sung to the tune of "Frankenstein" by the Edgar Winter Group.



Frankenstein is the doctor's name, not the monster's name!
(The monster didn't have a name.)
Frankenstein is the doctor's name, not the monster's name!
I get annoyed when I hear people say
Boris Karloff played Frankenstein
When, in reality, that role was played by Colin Clive.
Don't people know that the name Frankenstein
Just refers to the doctor?
Why is it used indiscriminately to refer to the monster?
Why... can't... folks ever get the names straight?
Can... they... change or is it too late?
Frankenstein is the doctor's name, not the monster's name!
(It really isn't difficult!)
Frankenstein is the doctor's name, not the monster's name!

E is for Exciting (Day 5)

Halloween is exciting.

Now that's what I'd call truth in advertising! A child dressed as a witch being attacked by an actual bear as the stars themselves rain down from Heaven? I'd say that qualifies as "exciting." Perhaps, though, that creature is meant to be a werewolf. After all, the moon is full in this picture. I was a kid, so who knows what was going on in my mind? Under the circumstances, I'd say the child/witch is being fairly zen, opting merely to say the word "help" (to the monster, I guess?) rather than run away. And notice that she has the presence of mind to hold onto her candy. Werewolf or not, one has to keep one's priorities straight.