Let's none of us think about a white bear

This book played mind games with me when I was a kid.

Whatever you do, don't think about a white bear.

If that last sentence immediately made you think about white bears, then congratulations on falling victim to something called the "ironic process theory," which states that any deliberate attempt to suppress or discourage an idea is highly likely to make that same idea surface in a person's mind. If you have ever tried to make yourself forget about something uncomfortable, sad, or embarrassing, only to have that very thing dominate your thoughts, you know all about this psychological phenomenon. It's only one of the ways in which the human mind fails us. 

Fortunately, time and apathy are good antidotes for irony. The phrase "don't think about a white bear" doesn't make me think of white bears, because I have no interest in white bears and can't really even force myself to think about them. I know, for instance, that polar bears are in dire straits these days because their homes are melting. And I want to care about that, but I don't. I'm sorry, polar bears and people who care about polar bears.
 

Eve Merriam

I'm bringing all this up because, for whatever reason, I recently flashed back to a crucial book from my early childhood: Don't Think About a White Bear (1965) by Eve Merriam. Eve was quite something, really. Born Eve Moskowitz in Philadelphia in 1916, she was a feminist poet and writer who was best known for her children's books. Apparently, one of her creations, The Inner City Mother Goose (1969), was quite controversial in its day. (Never read it, but now I'm dying to.) 

I'm guessing Eve was a big time commie, too. Her first husband was a labor organizer. Her second husband was Waldo Salt, an Oscar-winning screenwriter (Serpico, Midnight Cowboy, Coming Home) who was blacklisted during the communist witch hunt of the 1950s. Eve herself was profiled in a book called Red Feminism: American Communism and the Making of Women’s Liberation (2001). My parents were 1960s-type liberals, pretty far to the left on the political spectrum, but I don't know if they knew that Eve Merriam was a full-fledged red when they got this book for me. Either way, Eve's been dead over 20 years now. Liver cancer finally claimed her in 1992. 

Don't Think About a White Bear was one of Eve's less-remembered titles. Her Wikipedia entry doesn't even mention it. But it sure made an impression on me. The book, as I remember it, is about a kid who is specifically instructed not to think about a white bear and, thus, thinks only of white bears until he is nearly at the point of madness. The book ends happily -- the prohibition of white bear thoughts was merely clever subterfuge on the part of his parents -- but the premise haunted me. 

A happier version of the ironic process theory, by the way, appears in the scene from Ghostbusters (1984) in which Ray (Dan Aykroyd) inadvertently conjures up the giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from his subconscious while trying and failing to keep his mind totally blank. "Nice thinking, Ray."

Hollywood's Greatest Monsters... And Their Crummy Personal Websites : An Expose!

Wolfie, Frankie and Drac: Internet failures all.

Remember that Internet gold rush of the 1990s, when everybody was scrambling to buy up any potentially lucrative URLs just as quickly as possible? Yeah, well, that's over. Know how I know? Because horror's three greatest names -- Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolf Man -- have utterly failed to become desirable Internet addresses. Go ahead and add a .com to any of their hallowed names, and you know what you get? A whole lotta nothing, that's what!

Read on... if you dare!

The site: Dracula.com

Might as well be Dracula smiling and wearing a backpack.

Yes, dear readers, that uninspiring screenshot shows you what you get when you type dracula.com into your browser's address bar. It's one of those lousy generic placeholder pages. Apparently, the domain name is for sale. At least there are links to "Real Vampire Photos" and "Dracula Games," but there's also a shameful link to "Bratz Girls Games." How embarrassing, Dracula, for a nobleman such as yourself to be dragged down to the level of the slutty-looking proletariat!

The site: Frankenstein.com

Boris Karloff inadvertently shills for a "web production" company.

What you get here is something called Castle Pink Frankenstein, apparently a "web production company." (That exists? That's a thing?) Their awkwardly-worded sales spiel reads like this:

"CPF Web Production has worked with individual artists, small business, non-profits and politicians. Our main goal is to empower it’s clients with a web presence that works for them and to make it easy and affordable to keep the site updated. We deal with customized and integrated Word Press blogs, databases, social networking integration, Content Management Systems, iWeb customization (manage your own site once we build it for you!), eCommerce and of course standard plain old web pages."

The site: Wolfman.com

Note the lack of wolves, were or otherwise.

"This website reflects my Love of Macaws, Wolves, and Dogs." The fact that wolves get second billing in that sentence is a clear, early indication that this site maybe isn't going to be a tribute to Universal's Wolf Man, as played by Lon Chaney, Jr. (In case you're wondering, adding "the" to the name doesn't help. Thewolfman.com is just another domain-for-sale placeholder page, lamer even than Dracula's.) Wolfman.com turns out to be the personal page of someone named Jim Morris. The site's contents seem to consist of pictures of Morris' pets and brief articles about those same pets. So he's a "wolf man" in the sense that he's a man who likes wolves. Just like how so-called "cat people" are not really human-feline hybrids.

So these sites fail to make the grade, horror wise. What if you're opposed to monsters and want to call in the professionals? Your first move might be to type ghostbusters.com into your browser. So what do you get when you do that?

Well, this...

The site: Ghostbusters.com

Still at it after more than a quarter-century. Nice to know.

It's a very fancy, rather thoughtful promotional site for the Ghostbusters franchise. Once you get past the loading screen (above), you're taken to a city street with lots of clickable buildings. Yes, the theme song starts playing after a while. And, yes, the Ecto-1 zooms by occasionally. Slimer and Marshmallow Man put in their expected appearances. Apparently, the first film had a theatrical re-release in October 2011. Did you know about that? I didn't. Anyway, the site's most interesting detail might be something written in small type at the bottom of the screen...

So You Think You Can Ghostbust?

Can you read it? It says "Employment Opportunities." An employment opportunity? With the freakin' Ghostbusters? Ye gods! But hold on, Tex. You might think you're going to be the next Winston Zeddemore, but the link just takes you to the Sony Pictures Entertainment Career Connection, where you'll find such unappetizing employment opportunities as "Client Production Services Manager." So, no, you won't be bustin' any ghosts

Le sigh.

(today's zomby) AND 18 DELIGHTFUL SECONDS!

(I don't really have to explain this reference, do I? No? Good.)

Sadly, our fridge demon friend does have one fact correct: many living impaired individuals do lack sensation in the gonads. It's tragic. Please give generously.

And now, your 18 delightful seconds. I love this woman and share her dream of sloth and lust.



The only disagreeable note is the incongruous promo for the ill-fated Knight Rider reboot.

ZOMBY: Egon Spengler was right.

And in case you need reminding what the headline (and this joke) refers to: