Ed Wood Wednesdays, week 87: "What Would We Have Done Without Them?" (1975)

This week, Eddie takes us back into nudie movie history.

A coin-operated peep show.

Edward D. Wood, Jr. is, for better or worse, still known primarily as a filmmaker rather than a writer. Even though Eddie's books and articles represent a vast and colorful body of work, rich in themes and ripe for rediscovery, most documentaries about the man make only passing references to his writing career. A typical doc might show a couple of paperback covers from the 1960s before going back to talking about Ed's movies. Cue the umpteenth clip of model flying saucers dangling on the ends of strings.

If people haven't read Nightmare of Ecstasy or Muddled Mind, they may have no idea that Ed Wood was a writer at all, other than his screenplays. Part of the problem has been availability. Due to rights issues, only a few of Ed's dozens of novels (Killer in Drag, Devil Girls, Death of a Transvestite) are readily available on sites like Amazon today. The rest are expensive collectors' items. In recent years, the anthologies Blood Splatters Quickly and Angora Fever have made nearly a hundred of Eddie's short stories easily accessible to his fans. But this represents merely a tiny fraction of Wood's written output

And Ed Wood's nonfiction remains even less known than his fiction, if that's possible. While Eddie's short stories and novels have been somewhat neglected over the years, his fact-based articles and books, nearly all of them sexual or sex-adjacent in nature, have been basically abandoned. Almost no one writes about this material, voluminous though it is. So, today, I thought I'd shed some light on one of Eddie's lesser-known nonfiction works from later in his career.

The story: "What Would We Have Done Without Them?" Originally published in Body & Soul, vol. 8, no. 1, May/June 1975. Anthologized in Short Wood: Short Fiction by Edward D. Wood, Jr. (Ramble House, 2009).

A "camp" classic.

Synopsis: Though the porno film may seem like a relatively recent phenomenon, it's actually part of a heritage that goes back to the earliest days of filmed entertainment. In the old days, there were arcades with hand-cranked machines that allowed the viewer to flip through photographs. Then there were primitive "peep shows" that displayed brief filmed striptease routines. Eventually these shows evolved, adding color and full nudity. Many of these shows focused on nudist camps, since that setting allowed filmmakers to present nudity in a non-sexual way. Eventually, the appeal of these nudist films wore off, and the coin-operated machines weren't profitable enough for film producers or arcade owners.

The next step was projecting these films onto a big screen for an audience, rather than showing them to one viewer at a time. Nudity started becoming commonplace in theatrically exhibited films made after World War II and shown at burlesque theaters. Some of these films had stories, but many were simply the same old strip shows of the past. Patrons back then would sit through live strippers and old newsreels before getting to see the films. Even though these films were cheaply made and shown in black-and-white, they initially attracted long lines of curious spectators.

But this, too, lost its novelty, and producers realized they would have to invest more money in these movies. Some of that money came from theater owners who depended on the producers to stay in business. By the mid-1960s, the movies featured some "petting and kissing" between boys and girls. And, at long last, color became standard. But the stories were still "weak." Ultimately, knowledgeable audiences simply demanded that the films include actual sex. And this practice continues now, despite the efforts of "pressure groups," who have only succeeded in making sex films into a thriving multi-million-dollar business.

Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "What Would We Have Done Without Them?" (1972)

This illustration depicts some old-timey peep show machines.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "What Would We Have Done Without Them?" Originally published in Body & Soul (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 6, no. 2., July/August 1972. Credited to Edward D. Wood, Jr.

Excerpt: "Any guy or girl old enough to enter one of those theatres knew what sex was all about . . . and it wasn't simply holding hands in the back seat of some car like a high school kid. They knew what the bed looked like, and they knew what went on under the sheets even if it did look like the producer didn't. The guy and the girl lock into a tight lip kiss without tongue action and they were laughed off the screen. The producers and the owners didn't do much laughing. They were crying when they read the box office receipts."

Reflections: This is Ed Wood's short history of the pornographic film industry, from the peep shows of the 1900s to the full-color X-rated feature films of the 1970s. His only real thesis seems to be: Boy, the porno film sure has changed over the years, huh? As with the previous two articles in this book, Eddie skimps on specifics. He doesn't mention any stars, directors, or producers. Not a single year is listed anywhere, only general time periods. 

Meanwhile, the only titles he supplies are those of nudist camp films: A Day in the Life of a Nudist, Nudist Fun, and Life at a Nudist Camp. I cannot conform the existence of any of these movies, so the titles may be fictitious. Perhaps they're moldering in the archives at Something Weird Video headquarters. Popular in the 1950s and '60s, the nudist camp movie has faded into obscurity, but it has an important place in the history of screen sex. I can never forget John Waters' description of these often-inane movies: "Happy, healthy idiots on pogo sticks with air-brushed crotches."

Like "That's Show Biz," this is an article I have already reviewed on this blog previously. Back in 2019, I offered a fairly thorough summary of this piece and gave my thoughts on it. Two and a half years later, my opinion of it has not really changed much. In retrospect, it's interesting how Eddie viewed the adult film business from a purely economic, almost mercenary standpoint. A lot of the article is about how theater owners have sought to maximize profits with greater and greater efficiency over the decades.

The cheaper the presentation that could be made the more for the producers and the house. This also brought on the quick-house-change-plan. There was no reason for giving the viewer, or the patron two hours of movies for his two to five bucks. Get them in, give them something, and get them out. There was always somebody else waiting for that seat. In the beginning there were lines of patrons waiting to see such films. The presentations were knocked down to fifty-eight minutes of running time. Two guys could occupy that same seat during a two hour period where previously there could only be one. . . . And that meant that seat would bring in four to ten dollars for the two hour period.

The popular image of Ed Wood (especially as he is depicted in Tim Burton's 1994 biopic) is that he was an unrealistic, starry-eyed dreamer who only wanted to express himself through his art. Perhaps, in the 1950s, this was true. But his article shows that Eddie was perfectly capable of thinking like an accountant when he had to.

Next: "The Movies and Sex" (1971)