WATCH! The Candy Land commercial that haunted me for years! (Updated for 2024!)

This is what Milton Bradley's Candy Land looked like in 1978.

The game board as it looked in '78.

It's funny how an utterly ephemeral piece of music will become firmly lodged in one's brain for decades. Take, for instance, the instrumental music in an early '80s ad for the Milton Bradley board game Candy Land. There was a particular 30-second spot for this product that I must have seen dozens of times while watching Popeye and Andy Panda cartoons as a kid. Obviously, Milton Bradley bought up a lot of advertising time on children's TV shows, and I was smack dab in the middle of the target demographic.

The commercial itself is typical of the era. In a sunshine-yellow suburban kitchen somewhere, a young brother (played by a pre-Christmas Story Peter Billingsley) and sister play the game with their mom, while a gentle-voiced male announcer explains how it all works.

But underneath the narration is a jaunty, repetitive little melody with a whistle-like sound. To this day, I remember that insidious little ditty by heart. I will likely never forget it. As for the narrator's spiel, I didn't commit every word of it to memory, but there are certain passages that stick out: "You'll discover the Gingerbread Plum Tree, a Rainbow Pass, and Gumdrop Mountain! But be careful of the Cherry Pit Falls, and don't get stuck in Molasses Swamp!" The way he weirdly emphasizes "Rainbow Pass," as if it's a major selling point, is rather memorable.

Incidentally, one thing I learned in the course of researching this article is that there is no "definitive" version of the classic game. The internet can't even decide whether it's called Candy Land or Candyland. Under either spelling, the game goes back to 1949. The gameboard itself and the box it comes in have been redesigned and revamped many times since then. What was once merely "Molasses Swamp," for instance, is now a sentient creature unappealingly named "Gloppy." Other characters, like "main antagonist" Lord Licorice, have been added to Candy Land since the days of my youth. (In my day, bad luck was the only antagonist in Candy Land.)

Through trial and error, I learned that the version of the game seen in the famous ad dates back to 1978. Most sources say the commercial first appeared in the early 1980s, possibly 1983.

The indelible Candy Land jingle played a minor yet arguably-significant role in my life. I can remember humming it over and over to annoy my older sister during a long car trip. She must have identified the song, too, because she said, "Mom, tell Joey to stop singing the Candy Land song!"

A few years later, when I joined the school band, a few of my fellow musicians-in-training and I would try to learn as many pop songs, TV and movie themes, and advertising jingles as possible on our respective instruments. Then as now, I played the euphonium—a little-understood and much-neglected instrument to which I was dutifully assigned after failing to make the grade on the cornet. 

Being relegated to the low brass section was moderately more fun if I could play a reasonable facsimile of '"Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin or "The Ballad of Jed Clampett." I remember it was a major victory (in my own mind) when I learned the familiar seven-note "Miss Gulch" theme from The Wizard of Oz. But there was this one kid, Marc Wojtowicz, who played the saxophone and had a dizzying range of tunes at his command. And one of them was—you guessed it—the Candy Land jingle. That may not impress you, but it impressed the hell out of me.

Anyway, here's the commercial. If the song takes up permanent residence in your subconscious, remember that I tried to warn you.

UPDATE FOR 2024: Reader Dan Mahoney informs me that the jingle used in the Candy Land commercial is actually a piece of stock music called "Whistling Robot" by British composer and organist Harold Smart (1921-1980). In more recent years, Harold's music has turned up on SpongeBob SquarePants and its various spinoffs. Thanks for setting the record straight, Dan!

Okay, here's my pitch for the Jenga movie

C'mon, who else was realistically going to star in the Jenga movie?

It's going to happen one way or another. With The Angry Birds Movie already in theaters and a Tetris movie on the way, it's only a matter of time before Jenga: The Movie is put into development at Universal or Paramount. Someone's getting a payday out of this. Why shouldn't it be me? I want to be the one to write this thing. So here's my pitch.

The Dark Tower.

We start with a flashback to the late 1980s, when the first commercially-produced Jenga games hit the market. A severely nerdy high school kid, Wes Zwolinski (even his name means he's last at everything), develops an almost supernatural knack for the game, and his skills start to attract the attention of the other kids his age, including his longtime crush, Noreen. An intramural Jenga championship is soon organized, and Wes deftly defeats a number of opponents. In the final round, he is pitted against rich kid and bully Chas Van Landingham, who has heretofore made Wes' life a living hell. Even Wes' normally distant father, George (Stacy Keach), has shown up for the event and sits in the front row. Just when Wes seems on the verge of winning, Chas distracts him with an especially cruel taunt. Wes knocks over the Jenga tower in such alarming fashion that one piece becomes airborne and hits George right in the face. The victorious Chas exits the high school gymnasium with Noreen on his arm, while George is taken off in a stretcher, unconscious. Wes is devastated. 

Cut to the present day. Wes is now a scruffy, forty-something man played by Adam Sandler. He works in a mall shoe store owned by Chas (Jason Bateman), who treats him horribly and who is now married to Noreen (Jennifer Aniston). Wes' glory days are long behind him. He gazes at a stack of shoeboxes piled improbably high and sighs deeply, thinking of what might have been. Chas walks by and slaps him on the back of the head, causing him to topple the tower of boxes. Wes' home life is no better. He sleeps on a forlorn couch in the basement of his parents' home. George, grouchier than ever, still bears a scar on his face from the long-ago tournament incident. He criticizes Wes without mercy. In the interim, Wes has had a son named Josh with his now-ex-wife Carla (Leah Remini). Wes has a good relationship with Josh; in fact, it's the only bright spot in his life. They play board games together, but Wes won't even look at Jenga. Too many memories. 

A problem arises when Wes gets behind on his child support. (Don't judge him too harshly. He gets taken in a Nigerian e-mail scam.) He may lose contact with Josh forever if he can't raise some money quickly. He walks around his neighborhood, thinking about what to do. Just then, a flier gets carried along by the wind and hits Wes smack in the face. He studies it. It's an all-ages Jenga tournament with a whopping $25,000 prize. Wes knows what he must do. He goes into training in order to regain his Jenga skills. Having previously established that Wes' favorite show in the 1980s was ALF, the character of ALF (still voiced by Paul Fusco) becomes sort of a wisecracking mentor to Wes, appearing to him in visions. "Who the hell are you talking to down there?" George wants to know. 

It all leads up to the big Jenga tournament. An initial joke is that most of the contestants are much, much younger than Wes. But our hero carries on anyway and advances through the various rounds. Some of the opponents are very eccentric indeed, including a jumpy, bug-eyed fellow played by Steve Buscemi. Kill Bill, El Topo, and numerous Sergio Leone films are referenced and parodied during this passage of the movie. Jenga inventor Leslie Scott makes a cameo here, too. Naturally, the final round comes down to a rematch between Wes and Chas, with Wes' whole life on the line.

So what do you say, Hollywood? Do we have a deal or do we have a deal? You know how to reach me. My contact info is in the sidebar at the right side of the screen. Let's talk.