At long last... ZOMBY!!! eats in a Chinese restaurant

OBSERVATIONS FROM THE DAILY COMMUTE: Today at the Des Plaines train station, some joker had traced a picture of a giant penis into the snow on the platform, everything from tip to testicles. From the ground level, it probably didn't look like anything, but from my vantage point in the upper level of the train, it was unmistakable. Anyway, people got off the train and started tromping all over the poor thing, and by the time our train left the station, the snow penis was no more. I think this anecdote makes a profound point about the ephemeral nature of life. We are all drawings of penises traced in the snow on train platforms before we are trampled out of existence by oblivious commuters.

Here's what happens when you do a Google image search for "snow penis," by the way.

A ridiculous post about fortune cookie messages

I am pleased to announce that I have made a delightful discovery about the messages contained within fortune cookies. Of course, there is a longstanding comedic tradition of adding the words "in bed" to fortune cookie messages. And I will admit that this is indeed quite funny.

BUT!

Are "in bed" the only words you can add to your fortune cookie messages? To quote Senator Blutarski, "Hell, no!" Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I suggest that it is every bit as funny -- if not more so -- to add the words "and shit" to the ends of fortune cookie messages. Allow me, please, to demonstrate.

• Old friends, old wines and old gold are best and shit.
• Use your talents. That's what they are intended for and shit.
• Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it and shit.
• You will spend old age in comfort and material wealth and shit.
• Fortune smiles upon you today and shit.
• How can you have a beautiful ending without making beautiful mistakes and shit?
• Never bring unhappy feelings into your home and shit.

If you are so desirous, you can find these and many more fortune cookie messages at this fabulous website. (HINT: Just keep clicking "Open a Cookie.") And from there, you may feel free to add "in bed," "and shit," or whatever words you choose to the ends of these brief, hopeful missives.

PLEASE NOTE: When you are reading these fortune cookie messages aloud, do not place undue emphasis on the word "shit," because it changes the meaning entirely. The words "and shit" are intended as an especially informal way of saying "et cetera" or "and so forth." No scatological meaning should be inferred from these messages. Thank you.