Swear all you want because profanity shouldn't even be a thing

Maybe he's about to say "friendship." I doubt it, though.

We humans didn't always have a sophisticated written and spoken language the way we do today. No, we probably started out with mere grunts and groans. Only after a lot of trial and error did we decide that certain grunts and groans indicated particular things. And look at us now. We have hundreds of thousands, perhaps even a million, words in the English language alone. If that doesn't suit you, there are over 7,000 other languages to choose from on this planet, each with its own rich, diverse vocabulary.

But somewhere along the line, we decided that particular words are so powerful that their use should be regulated, restricted, or even banned outright. Some of these words are hateful insults aimed at races, religions, sexual orientations, etc. We call such words slurs. But many other "forbidden" words simply refer to distasteful topics or express extreme frustration. We call these words profanities.

I understand the stigma attached to slurs, which can be used to denigrate people and may even incite violence. But I have never understood—and will likely never understand—the concept of profanity. What a useless, anti-helpful idea. Who benefits from this? What possible gain is there from making certain words restricted or forbidden? Whose life has been improved by this? All I know is that there are people in this world who take great offense at profanity. And because of them, sentences with these "naughty" words have to be bowdlerized or lobotomized before they can be expressed. How dumb.

You know what really irks me about this? What really drives me up the wall? It's the pious, phony hypocrisy of it all. To me, the most obscene, hateful, offensive, destructive sentiments ever expressed by human beings have not been loaded with profanities. Instead, they have been couched in the perfectly "clean," respectable language of government and commerce. A political leader might issue an order that leads to thousands of deaths. The head of a pharmaceutical company might raise the price of a life-saving drug. An influencer might deliver false and even dangerous information to millions of followers. And not one of these people will use a single so-called "profanity." But we carry on as if "four-letter words" were the greatest plague ever released on humanity.

If you are one of those people who make a big show of being offended by profanity, I have no respect or sympathy for you. To me, it's akin to superstition. If you feel the opposite way, you can express that in the comments section of this article. But you'll have to make an awfully convincing case before I am swayed.

QUIZ: Are you terrible?

Don't be confused any longer! Take this quiz and find out if you're terrible!

It's a question each of us must ponder at some time in our lives: am I truly a decent human being making a worthwhile contribution to this world... or am I a worthless piece of sentient garbage whose very existence is affront to the Lord our God? In other word: am I terrible? Let's face it: unless you clear up this issue soon, you're never going to be able to get your life back on track. And that just hurts the people around you... Steve. So what do you do? It's not like you can just go up to people and ask them, "How much do I disgust and offend you on a scale of 1 to 10?" Well, worry no longer, because the solution has been in front of your stupid, doughy face for months now: Internet personality quizzes. There is nothing these quizzes can't teach you about yourself, including whether or not you're terrible. So what are you waiting for? Answer the following questions (honestly!), tally up the results, and then use those results to see whether you should  remain a full-fledged member of society or whether you should secret yourself away somewhere in the Himalayas in order to spare the world from your sheer awfulness. This should be fun!

1. If you have children, do you ever refer to any of them as "my child?" 

2. How often do you say the word "carbs" out loud per day? Five? Ten? More than ten? 

3. Same thing, only with the word "gluten." 

4. Have you ever corrected someone on the pronunciation of the word "skiing?" 

5. Have you ever gone out of your way to point out that you read the novel on which a movie is based? 

6. Same as #2 and #3, only with "sustainable." 

7. Do you actually need those pre-movie reminders to remember to turn off your cell phone? 

8. How sensitive are you to hearing "spoilers" about the plots of TV shows? 

9. This is a crucial question: Do you use emojis? 

10. Have you ever non-ironically referred to others as "haters?" 

11. Have you ever ironically referred to others as "haters?" 

12. Do you feel that you have "haters?" 

13. Have you ever criticized someone else for being "basic?" 

14. If you answered yes to the previous question, did you do so to compensate for the fact that you yourself are basic? 

15. Have you ever -- even once -- used the word "mainstream" in a pejorative way?

Results time: If you actually take online quizzes seriously and feel that their results have any kind of validity, then I'm sorry to inform you that you are terrible. Please go far away now.