Ed Wood Wednesdays, week 247: Killian H. Gore's Plan 9 from Outer Space Quiz Book (2018)

Tor wants you to answer a few questions.

As Conrad Brooks taught us all in Ed Wood's Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957), "It's tough to find something when you don't know what you're looking for." Which is true. But sometimes, it's also tough to find something when you know exactly what you're looking for. I'll give you an example.

I found this by accident.

If you've ever read one of Shakespeare's plays, you know that his scripts are not formatted like those for modern day stage plays. For one thing, his stage directions are brief, sparse, and very vague. For another thing, his characters often speak in iambic pentameter, so their speeches are formatted like poems. 

I was under the impression—false, it now seems—that there was a version of the Plan 9 script formatted to look like a Shakespearean play. I had a strong memory of such a book existing, and I thought it might make interesting fodder for the blog. It's October, and I wanted to do something suitable for "spooky season." So I searched for it. And searched. And searched. I eventually came to the conclusion that no such book was ever written. I can't find anything remotely like it.

NOTE: After this article was published, reader Ed Goldstein informed me that such a book definitely does exist. It's The Tragicall Historie of Plan the IX (2018) by Ryan D. Smith, and it is indeed a rewrite of Plan 9 in iambic pentameter. There is apparently a filmed performance of the play, also from 2018. The cast includes Dana Gould, Tonjia Atomic, MST3K producer Greg Tally, Jackey Neyman Jones, and others. I do not have a copy of the play or the movie, but they are both candidates for future discussion.

But you know what I did find? Killian H. Gore's self-published Plan 9 from Outer Space Quiz Book (2018). The title tells you exactly what to expect: a collection of trivia questions about Ed Wood's best-known movie. But who is this Killian H. Gore and what caused him to compile such a volume? And could this humble little book actually teach me a thing or two about a movie I've seen dozens of times? I was able to snag a copy from Amazon for only about seven bucks, so I took the risk.

Like many of the hyper-specialized books about Ed Wood that I've read for this blog in recent years, the Plan 9 from Outer Space Quiz Book was print-on-demand, so it arrived extremely quickly. Personally, I love this new publishing model. It allows us to have physical copies of works that might have limited or niche appeal. But Gore's book is also available in a Kindle edition for just 99 cents, should that be a more attractive option to you.

The book runs just over a hundred pages and contains four quizzes in total. The first is a general quiz about Plan 9 consisting of 150 questions. The second is an "out of this world difficult" quiz about Plan 9 with ten additional questions. This is followed by a 25-question quiz about alien invasion movies and a 25-question quiz about zombie movies. Naturally, answer keys are provided for all four quizzes. Gore rounds out the book with an original short sci-fi story called "The Truth Will Astonish Us," which I will discuss later in this review. All in all, pretty decent value for money.

Hester Prynne is dead!

Lillian Gish goes to the scaffold once more in an adaptation of Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter.

Thomas Bowdler's legacy

You might have noticed some cosmetic changes here at Dead 2 Rights lately. Allow me to explain them, as they represent some not-insignificant alterations to the site's content as well. First of all, this blog's flirtatious previous mascot, late pinup model Fran Gerard (aka Miss March 1967), has been replaced by the stern, unsmiling visage of one Thomas Bowdler (1754-1825), an English physician best known for producing The Family Shakespeare.

Bowdler's infamous tome, first published in 1807, was a volume containing expurgated -- which is to say "cleaned-up" -- versions of William Shakespeare's plays. "Nothing is added to the text," proclaimed an 1819 advertisement, "but those words and expressions are omitted which cannot with propriety be read aloud in a family." So Lady Macbeth's "Out, damned spot!" became "Out, crimson spot!" Because of The Family Shakespeare, Bowdler's name became forever synonymous with censorship. To bowdlerize something is, in essence, to remove the naughty bits.

Thomas Bowdler's intentions were not altogether -- or even chiefly -- evil. He lived in a more prudish time than ours and simply wanted a version of the Bard that he could share with his wife and children. Because of Bowdler and his book (or, rather, series of books, for The Family Shakespeare was a franchise), the teaching of Shakespeare to younger children became more acceptable.

Other editors had gone much further than Bowdler, actually tacking on happy endings to some of Shakespeare's tragedies. Bowdler's work was meant to counteract that sort of desecration. But no matter: Thomas Bowdler was rendered a villain by history, a sour-faced scold who dared to censor the greatest writer in history. Tough luck, Tommy.

Nearly two centuries after Bowdler's death, writers and artists must still contend with the prevailing moral attitudes of their time. This blog, for instance, has been created on the Blogger platform. Blogger, in turn, is owned by Google. And Google has, I can assure you, an absolute horror of sex. They're not alone. Lots of people have a horror of sex. It disturbs them to a greater extent than any act of violence ever could. For many of these people, nudity and sex are synonymous. The image of a bared female breast is, for these people, a source of great discomfort. That's just a reality. It's how people think.

So what does this mean for me? Well, for the last few months, it has meant that my blog has had a "Content Warning" screen that readers had to click through before they could read whatever I'd just written. I opted to put one on there myself so that Google wouldn't do it for me. That would have been far too embarrassing. To be honest, though, I hated that warning, even though it was self-inflicted. I cringed every time it popped up on my own screen. Yes, even I had to click through it to reach my own blog. Even though I have never profited one dime from Dead 2 Rights, that warning made me feel like a pornographer. Like Hester Prynne, I was wearing a badge of sexual shame. Hers was red, mine was orange.

So this week, I did what I felt I had to do: I bowdlerized the holy hell out of Dead 2 Rights. In essence, I performed an exorcism on this blog... or, perhaps more accurately, a sexorcism. As far as I can remember, not a word of the text has been altered, though some links have been removed, as have some embedded videos.

Most crucially, over 50 images have been voluntarily altered rather than excised. Exposed breasts, vaginas, penises, and even asses have been dutifully blacked out. As you might imagine, this almost exclusively affects the Ed Wood Wednesdays series. I'm very proud of the work I have done on those articles, and I want them to remain easily available and accessible. If that means putting black rectangles over some boobies, so be it.

Thanks for understanding,

Joe

17 Astonishing and Obscure Facts to Amuse Your Friends and Dazzle Your Enemies

Garfield stands on his hind legs... like a man!

Trivia. Whether you're appearing on a quiz show or just trying to make sparkling conversation at a dinner party, there's nothing like it. And yet, there never seems to be enough trivia around when you need it. Fortunately, Dead 2 Rights is here to help. Below, you will find 17 trivial statements which you are welcome to use in any social or professional situation. Enjoy!

• If you could drive your car straight upwards, you probably wouldn't want to.

• George Washington was never President of the United States. The rumor that he held this nation's highest office dogged him to the end of his days.

• Strictly speaking, berries are not berries, but cabbages are.

• There is no "i' in "March."

• If the sun were hollow, we'd all be in a great deal of trouble.

• Contrary to that old wives' tale, cats do in fact feel pain.

• "Hullabaloo" isn't Latin for anything in particular.

• That country between Spain and Germany? Surprise! It's France!

• The melting point of iron is a mystery which science has yet to solve.

• The earliest library card dates back to the time of Christ. The first book checked out was Garfield At Large by Jim Davis.

• Napoleon's last word was "bonkers."

• Without adjusting for inflation, items today cost much more than they did a hundred years ago.

• Former astronaut Neil Armstrong sadly wound up a derelict.

• Saying "celery soup" into a mirror three times is entirely safe and will have no unfortunate consequences. Try it yourself and see!

• Though famous for his plays, William Shakespeare would rather be remembered for his astonishing sexual prowess.

• Experts agree that the funniest word in the English language is "belch."

• Even the strongest ant is no match for a full-grown man.

Feel free to add your own in the comments section. Feel just as free not to add your own in the comments section.

Mill Creek comedy classics #59: "As You Like It" (1936)

ELISABETH BERGNER (and some dude named Laurence Olivier) star in As You Like It.

The flick: As You Like It (Twentieth Century Fox, 1936; United Artists, 1949) [buy the set]

Current IMDb rating: 5.9

Director: Paul Czinner (The Rise of Catherine the Great; Romeo & Juliet [1966 version])

Actors of note:

• Elisabeth Bergner (49th Parallel; Oscar-nominated for Escape Me Never, which was directed by her husband, Paul Czinner, who also directed this movie)

• Laurence Olivier (Spartacus, Rebecca, Wuthering Heights, Marathon Man, Clash of the Titans, The Betsy, much more; won directing and acting Oscars for 1948's Hamlet; nominated ten more times; often cited as the greatest Shakespearean actor of the 20th century)

• Sophie Stewart (Things to Come, Devil Girl from Mars), Henry Ainley (British stage actor; played "Victor Drew" in a series of 1920s mystery films; this was his last and best-known picture)

• Leon Quartermaine (another British stage actor; didn't do many movies but appeared in Escape Me Never with Elisabeth Bergner; served as a dialogue supervisor on this movie)

• Peter Bull (best known as Russian Ambassador Alexi de Sadesky in Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove; appeared in The African Queen, Yellowbeard, Hitchcock's Sabotage, The Lavender Hill Mob, etc.)

• John Laurie (Hitchcock's The 39 Steps; Olivier's Hamlet; played Darrow in The Abominable Dr. Phibes)

• Felix Aylmer (Becket, Olivier's Hamlet)

• Mackenzie Ward (Caesar and Cleopatra, The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll)

Other notables: The play was adapted (in part) by J.M. Barrie, who was the creator of Peter Pan and the subject of the 2004 biopic Finding Neverland, in which he was portrayed by Johnny Depp. The editor was David Lean, who went on to direct Lawrence of Arabia, The Bridge on the River Kwai, Doctor Zhivago, A Passage to India, and much more. Lean won Best Director twice and was nominated several more times; he was also an Oscar-nomated editor and screenwriter. Not exactly a lightweight. The score was by William Walton, who would become Laurence Olivier's go-to composer for such Shakespeare adaptations as Hamlet, Henry V, and Richard III.

A poster highlighting Laurence Olivier.

The gist of it: France, early 1600s. Handsome, virile Orlando (Olivier) is sick of being treated like a peasant by his vengeful older brother, Oliver (Laurie), so he decides to leave home. Elsewhere, fair Rosalind (Bergner), is living with her uncle, Duke Frederick (Aylmer), who usurped Rosalind's father, the rightful duke (Ainley). Obviously, Frederick doesn't get along well with Rosalind's dad, but he lets his niece stay with him because she's such close friends with Celia (Stewart), his own daughter. Meanwhile, the exiled duke is living in the enchanted Forest of Arden with a loyal band of merry men, like Robin Hood.

Orlando travels to Frederick's castle and wins a big wrestling tournament, instantly winning the love of Rosalind. Grouchy Duke Frederick kicks his niece out, and she takes Celia with her, along with a jester named Touchstone (Ward), who acts as the duo's sassy gay friend. Rosalind and Celia travel under false names to the Forest of Arden, with Rosalind taking on the male persona of "Ganymede." Orlando's also in the forest, pining for the lost Rosalind and writing poems about her, which he hangs on the trees. Before long, "Ganymede" and Orlando run into each other, and the former gives the latter some "macho" advice about romance.

Still, Orlando pines for his one true love. Luckily, he then saves Oliver from a lioness, thus winning back his brother's affection. All the major characters reconvene in the town for a big wedding, in which Rosalind and Orlando -- along with several other, lesser couples in the story -- are married. The celebration is made all the happier by the news that Frederick has renounced his dukedom, so Rosalind's father can reclaim his former title.

My take: There is little doubt that Laurence Olivier was one of the most acclaimed stage actors of the previous century. His movie career, though, is a bit spotty. Truth is, Sir Larry never quite got the hang of screen acting, even though he made dozens of films from the 1930s to the 1980s. Minimalism and naturalism aren't his strong suits. He's stiff, stentorian, and pompous, never seeming truly "human" or relatable on camera. He carefully recites his lines in that perfectly-enunciated Masterpiece Theater accent of his, as if he's trying to project his voice to the back of a crowded theater. In his campy later films, like The Boys from Brazil (1978) and Clash of the Titans (1981), his acting is shamelessly hammy and over-the-top, making him an unintentional figure of fun. As You Like It was one of Olivier's earlier movies (only six years into a six-decade career) and his very first Shakespearean role in a film. This fact alone makes it a historical curiosity.

The film's critical reputation isn't so great, though, and it's easy to see why.

This film has a bad case of "Clark Kent Syndrome."

To be blunt, As You Like It is not a very good movie. At times, it's even outright bad. Part of the problem, alas, might be the source material. This feather-light, extremely contrived comedy cannot be one of Shakespeare's very best, even though it contains his immortal "all the world's a stage" speech. The plotting is especially torturous, and Shakespeare isn't shy about having otherwise-useless characters shuffle onstage to explain certain plot points to one another. Yep, the Bard was the king of the so-called "infodump."

Olivier's a dullard as Orlando, but maybe there's not much he -- or anyone -- could do with such a bland, shallow role. The character has all the emotional depth of a cocktail napkin. Most of the actors here overplay their roles a bit, to little comedic or dramatic effect. Touchstone should, by all rights, be the life of the party, but instead he's a dreary drag.

The film's chief asset -- and simultaneously its chief liability -- is Elisabeth Bergner as Rosalind. I say "asset" because, in many scenes, she's the only one keeping this rather lethargic film's energy level up. Plus, the camera adores her, so she at least commands the audience's interest when she's onscreen. Had this been a silent movie with subtitles, As You Like It might have been a minor success. As it is, though, it's a misfire. Bergner hails from a region of Austria-Hungary we now call the Ukraine, and her thick accent sets her very noticeably apart from everyone else in the cast.

Plus, even more problematically, Bergner makes little to no effort to differentiate between Rosalind and "Ganymede." That duality is crucial for this plot to work, but Bergner doesn't sell it at all. The wardrobe, hair, and makeup people have done her  no favors either, because they strive at all times to make the actress look glamorous. As a viewer, I couldn't help but wonder why Orlando was fooled by "Ganymede" for even half a second. Is he blind and deaf? Maybe this kind of thing plays on the stage, but it just doesn't work in a movie. To put it simply, Rosalind makes Clark Kent look like a master of disguise in comparison.

NOTE: Matthew M. Foster's brutally honest review will tell you everything you need to know about this misbegotten movie. Go read it.

Wrestling As You Like It magazine.

Is it funny: Decidedly not. Touchstone's catty putdowns are poisonously unfunny, and some of the film's extended comedy sequences are excruciating. In particular, there is one scene in which several of the characters gather in the forest and publicly declare their love for various other characters. This person loves that person, who in turn loves that other person, etc. The conversation goes in a loop, always coming back to "Ganymede," who proudly declares that "he" feels love "for no woman." It's like the "Janet! Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Rocky!" scene from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, only much wordier. By the third moronic variation on this tiresome joke, I was audibly heckling the actors, all of whom are long dead.

In truth, I did find some amusement -- if not exactly laugh-out-loud humor -- in certain elements of the story.

Of all the things I expected to find in a Shakespeare film, wrestling was not among them. I honestly had no idea that wrestling was such a big sport in Bill's day. I could not help but compare the highly theatrical, carefully scripted professional wrestling of our time with the public performances of Shakespeare's plays at the Globe Theater in the 1600s. They both serve the same basic function, don't they? Shakespeare "belongs" to the academics and the intellectuals now, but his work was originally intended as popular entertainment. After all, this very play is called As You Like It, with the word "you" likely referring to the audience, i.e. "this is the kind of story you, the public, will enjoy." Then I remembered something extraordinary: there was actually a wrestling magazine called Wrestling As You Like It. This seemed too good to be true, like my memory was playing tricks on me. But a quick Google Image search showed me I was right.

So is wrestling the Shakespeare of our time, or was Shakespeare the wrestling of his time? Either way, the Bard and Vince McMahon are pretty much in the same profession. When you think about it, Shakespearean actors and professional wrestlers are both famous for wearing tights!

My grade: C-



P.S.  - No racial stereotypes here, but this movie does reinforce the stereotype that Shakespeare's plays are about a bunch of sissified morons prancing around in the forest, spouting flowery gibberish to one another.