Larry: A short story by Joe Blevins

This is the huge, orange face America eventually grew to love.

Prefatory notes by the author: "Larry" was actually written back in 2008 when there was such a thing as Larry King Live on television. The way it came about was that I was browsing through CNN's website and found some old Larry King transcripts there. Reading through them, I realized that Mr. King's particular brand of rambling, disjointed insanity was even funnier when soberly transcribed word for word. Believe me, what you're about to read is only a mild exaggeration of an actual King interview. Also, back when I wrote this, I was a professional transcriptionist and spent many hours and days and weeks of my life listening to recordings of focus groups and telephone surveys and converting them into text documents. So I was in complete sympathy with the person who had the task of transcribing Larry King Live. By the way, woodchucks are funny to me for some reason. Enjoy.

This way lies madness: 'The Doggedly Dogs'

A dog, Muffin, is about to enjoy some secular music in "The Doggedly Dogs."

Bible Truths For Children.

What is it about religious shows for kids? Why are they always a direct gateway into a world of complete, bat-shit insanity? You tell me. These programs are generally low budget and semi-amateurish in terms of production values, so you'd expect some degree of wonkiness in the sets, costumes, props, animation, music, acting, and chroma key-style video effects. And you'll definitely find all of that stuff in these shows.

Generally, religious kids shows are labors of love, made by well-meaning people with a shortage of money, experience, and technical know-how. It's understandable that they'd be cheap, cheesy, and tonally awkward. But that's true of a lot of low-budget productions, including secular ones. None of this explains the total delirium that emanates from these particular shows. There's something else going on here.

A big factor is the religious element. All religions seem kind of nutty to me, and the further you commit to any particular faith, the further you stray from reality and science and sanity in general. And by the time you're doing a religious kids show with puppets and talking animals, you're obviously way, way off the deep end. I mean, you don't just start out dressing like a cowboy clown and singing songs about Jesus to four-year-olds. You have to progress to that mindset over time, probably many years. By the time you arrive on the other side, your brain is pretty much the equivalent of butterscotch pudding.

There is a definite element of brainwashing or indoctrination going on here. Kids don't naturally come to religion on their own, after all. It has to be sold to them and reinforced all the time until they believe.

But there's also something dark under the shiny, happy surface, since Western religions tend to center around a capricious creator God who can banish you to Hell for all eternity if you get on his nerves. I guess what makes religious kids shows so entertaining is that contrast between the relentlessly cheerful songs and skits and the more sinister undertones of their true, ultimate purpose.

All of this is my long-winded way of introducing a highlight reel from a video called called Bible Truths for Children. I have very little background on this, other than the fact that it might be a VHS compilation tape of highlights from a mid-1980s Texas-made program called The Filling Station or God's Filling Station.

I honestly don't want to over-explain or oversell what you're about to see. It's better if you go in cold. Just know that I love this video and have watched it at least a dozen times. It encapsulates everything I like about religious kids shows.

Clearly, the main event is "The Doggedly Dogs," which is definitely worth following until the very end, when... well, I don't want to spoil it, but pay attention to the voice of Muffin. The rest of the video is delightful, too: the nerdy ginger kid reading Bad magazine and proclaiming that "Reading is Seeding," the parade of "instruments for righteousness," and the Bob Duke family of Greenwood, Indiana, whose deeply creepy Sears family portrait is emblazoned on the robe of an animated Christ. Enjoy.

10 more grotesque pictures of "Spitting Image" puppets!

Another hideous Spitting Image group shot

Your nightmares begin here. Yesterday, I posted a group of photos of puppets from England's gone-but-not-forgotten satirical TV series, Spitting Image. Guess what, folks? Those were the cute ones. Today, I'm bringing you the rest of the pics, and it's here where we venture into some very dark territory indeed. Sadly, many of these photos are too big to be reproduced at a decent size on this blog, so I've had to shrink them. Consider yourself lucky. These are some very unpleasant puppets. Keep in mind, my original scans of these images are absolutely huge, so I've viewed them in excruciating detail. I will warn you: the image of Whoopi Goldberg's face floating in what appears to be a bowl of milk is not something to approach lightly.

Princess Di and Fergie

Dustin Hoffman, Robert De Niro, and Meryl Streep

Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud

Mikhail Gorbachev

Cyndi Lauper

Madonna

Michael Jackson

Mike Tyson

Tina Turner

Whoopi Goldberg

A gallery of grotesque celebrity puppets from "Spitting Image" (1987)

A group shot of royal puppets from Spitting Image

England's bizarre satirical puppet show Spitting Image ran for an astonishing 132 episodes on ITV from 1984-1996. With its extremely topical parodies of politics and show business, the program was something like our Saturday Night Live... only with a much nastier edge and with all the celebrity parts being played by foam and latex doppelgangers of the rich and famous. These three-dimensional, often unflattering caricatures became the show's trademark. Although the original British series never quite caught on in the States, the puppets did have a brief window of notoriety in America thanks to their appearance in the "Land of Confusion" video by Genesis in 1986 and a few prime time network specials. Although America's interest in the show was short-lived, the fad did manage to produce at least one souvenir book. 

In 1987, Harcourt Brace Jonavich published Spitting Images, a collection of photographic portraits of some of the puppets, with accompanying text by National Lampoon's Sean Kelly. In the interest of preserving pop culture history, I have decided to scan some of the better ones. The captions are directly from the book. The photos are by John Lawrence Jones

Bette Midler: America's Happiest Camper

Bruce Springsteen: For unto Us a Savior is Born in the U.S.A.

Johnny Carson: He Do Re-run-run-run, He Do Re-run-run

Bill Cosby: Call Him a Doctor? Okay. He's a Doctor.

Clint Eastwood: Dirty Harry Says, "Have an Ice Cream. Or Else!"

Jack Nicholson: Not Invited? But I'm Always Invited!

Mick Jagger: Rolling Stone Youth Formula: Removes Lines, Wrinkles, Moss!

Muammar Al-Qaddafi: Radical Sheik

Leonard Nimoy: To Be Spock or Not To Be Spock? That Is the Question.

Pee-wee Herman: Disney Just Drew Mickey Mouse. Pee-wee Is Mickey Mouse!

Prince Charles: The Dunce and Future King

Richard Pryor: A Blazing Talent Gone to the Dogs

Queen Elizabeth: A Scepter is Haunting Europe

Ronald & Nancy Reagan: What Did the President Know and When Did She Know It?

Sylvester Stallone: All He Wants Is for His Country to Love Him As Much As He Does

Barbara Streisand: The Biggest Star So Far (By a Nose)

Margaret Thatcher: A Tory Party Animal - A Minister in Her Prime

Woody Allen & Mia Farrow: Hanna and Her Sisters Meet the Brothers Karamazov

If you enjoyed this article, here's the sequel.

(today's zomby) AND THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST PUPPET!

From the late, lamented Wonder Showzen, here's the world's funniest and most confrontational puppet, Clarence at work: