Playing Dead: A Look at the "Grayface" Phenomenon

We're a culture, not a costume, and this is not OK.

Zombie walks. Zombie face painting. Zombie-themed nights at bowling alleys and bars. All in good fun, right?

Not so fast, kemo sabe.

There are many in the living impaired rights movement, myself included, who feel that the phenomenon of living people making themselves up as "zombies" and pretending to be living impaired is highly offensive. The "grayface" fad is one of many factors which continue to make the LI feel as if they are objects of scorn and ridicule in modern day society. You living hold all the power in the world, and yet you continue to blithely make fun of those who are essentially powerless. Simply put, THIS MUST STOP!

If this is offensive:

Al Jolson in blackface.

Then so is this:

Some dude in "grayface."

ONE LAST PLEA: If you living insist on wearing the "grayface" makeup and masquerading as so-called "zombies," please try to conduct yourselves with a modicum of dignity and intelligence. In other words, not like this:

Angelina Jolie's breasts: A fond look back at a pair of legends

Angelina Jolie: If I believed in God, this would be one of His most perfect creations.

Hollywood lost two of its greatest stars today with the revelation that Angelina Jolie underwent a double mastectomy in order to prevent breast cancer. While I applaud her courage in revealing this intimate detail to the public, I cannot help but mourn the tragic passing of her magnificent protuberances. In their honor, I have composed this photographic tribute. Feel free to peruse it. You might want to have a tissue handy... in case you're overcome by emotion, that is.

Angelina Jolie nude

Angelina Jolie nude.

Angelina Jolie nude in Gia

The Greatest Wayne of All...?

An assortment of famous Waynes.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a dream. Admittedly, it is no small dream. But only by dreaming big can we ever hope transcend our humble origins and achieve true greatness in this world.

My dream is... (are you ready for this?)

...TO BE THE GREATEST WAYNE OF ALL TIME!

Now, you may scoff at this, but consider what a challenge this is! After all, Wayne Gretzky (a.k.a. "The Great One") is widely considered the best professional hockey player of all time. Wayne Netwon is known as "Mr. Las Vegas" for his 30,000+ legendary live performances in Sin City. Once he gets out of prison, Lil Wayne will no doubt continue to dominate the music industry. And multitalented perfomers like Wayne Brady and Wayne Knight have brought joy and mirth to millions on television. Besides these entertainment powerhouses, we must also consider the proud tradition of fictional Waynes, be it Wayne Arnold (The Wonder Years), Wayne Campbell (Wayne's World), and the irrepressible Dwayne Wayne (A Different World).

Phew!

Clearly my work is cut out for me. But I shall not be deterred! No, not Wayne Kotke! I want to make my life a monument to the struggle of the Living Impaired! I want to bring the plight of the LI to the attention of every man, woman, child, and pet in this great nation! Some day, when people so much as hear the name "Wayne," they will automatically think of me and the important work I've done with Dead 2 Rights.

It won't be easy, but I think I'm up to the task. Help me, won't you? Please spread the word of Dead 2 Rights in your homes, in the streets, in the schools and churches of your community! My precarious Internet-based fame depends on it!

UPDATE: And speaking of my precarious Internet-based fame, I would like to announce that -- at least for now -- I have 100 followers on Twitter! I thought I'd never reach the three-digit mark, but there it is. A sincere thanks to everyone who follows me. Now be fruitful and multiply already!

Look, Ma! 100 Twitter followers!