Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Loop Orbit, Part One by Greg Dziawer

Only the finest in home entertainment from Danish International Films.

The title screen from Prudish Secretary.

In a recent Wood Magazine Odyssey here at Ed Wood Wednesdays, we took a look at the text accompanying a photo feature in an issue of Danish Films magazine, ultimately surmising that it may have been written by Ed. The photos were taken from a Danish Films 8mm loop released to the home market under the Danish Films label as #1010 Young and Proper, starring the now-legendary pair John Holmes and Annette Haven. The Danish Films label was closely related to Swedish Erotica. The girls wear the tell-tale colored chiffon neck scarves, and the box covers even display the tell-tale "triple-dot" ellipsis. The Danish Films loops, seemingly a brief series, hailed from 1976.

The aforementioned Young and Proper was also released as Prudish Secretary under a different imprint, this time silent with subtitles. The logo opening the loop is that of Danish Films International, a series of 30+ loops made under the aegis of Bernie and Noel Bloom—one of literally dozens before they finally landed on and stuck to their epic Swedish Erotica series—stretching back to 1973. The font style of the credits is the same as in Swedish Erotica loops issues from approximately 1976 through 1978. Credits don't appear in earlier Bloom-related loops going back at least until 1970, and much Swedish Erotica material was undated. Prudish Secretary runs, depending on projection speed, roughly 15 minutes. The Danish Films cut runs at least a few minutes shorter and carries the year 1976 on the back of the box. 

The credit sequence with the characteristic font.

We know that Ed was captioning loops, but as always, the full extent of his involvement is yet unknown. Hence, we're including the subtitles that appear in Prudish Secretary as part of our new Wood Orbit, an endeavor that will merely highlight work in which Ed may have been involved in some capacity, sensitive to making any false claims of authorship via reckless mis-Ed-tributions of the sort you'll find on eBay. 

The subtitles are characteristically brief:

PRUDISH SECRETARY

Holmes: ALRIGHT, I'LL BE EXPECTING YOU SOON.

Haven: HI THERE.

Holmes: WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

Holmes: HERE'S A PENCIL & PAD.

Haven: THANK YOU.

Holmes: TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, AS OF THIS DATE,

Holmes: THE SHIPMENT, I HAVE SENT TO YOU.

Holmes: WHICH SHOULD ARRIVE PREVIOUS THIS DATE.

Holmes: ARE YOU GETTING THAT?

Haven: YES I AM.

Holmes: WHY DON'T WE GET MORE COMFORTABLE.

Haven: WHY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Holmes: LET'S SEE HOW YOU LOOK WITHOUT GLASSES.

Haven: OH, YES.

Holmes: HERE LET ME UNDRESS YOU.

Haven: IT UNBUTTONS IN THE FRONT.

Holmes: LAY BACK.

Haven: AHHHH!!!!!

Haven: TAKE ME.

Holmes: LET'S LIE DOWN.

Haven: MY GOD!! YOU'RE SO BIG.

Haven: KEEP PUMPING ME.

Haven: AHHHH!!!!

The lovely Annette Haven.

That's 23 lines totaling a little over 100 words. At more than four words per line, this averages an uptick in the length of lines from the earlier subtitled shorts circa 1973. Of particular interest here are the early lines possessing a naive understanding of the business world. While that connects to Ed across stories, books and even films, it would be a stretch to identify the subtitles as Ed's work based purely on that alone. 

Prudish Secretary remains available as part of an Alpha Blue Archives Annette Haven compilation, and previously appeared on the VHS compilation Swedish Erotica Hard Vol. 16, collecting (mostly) Swedish Erotica loops, and subsequently reissued on DVD. 

The loop is a prime example of the Bloom's getting maximum mileage out of a single work over time, multiple versions re-purposed and distributed via multiple media. Given what we know, the associations involved and the fact that Ed was a staff writer at Art Publishers, Inc. right into the final year of his life, we offer Prudish Secretary as a work within the Wood Orbit. Eddie or not, we're doubtless in the ballpark.

Welcome to 2017, from Ed Wood Wednesdays!