 |
| Some old school ASCII art for some old school Internet comedy. |
Note: As of this writing, I'm still working on my article about the pornographic loops Ed Wood made for the Swedish Erotica series in the 1970s, some of which just may feature arguably the biggest porn star of all time. Again, I've decided it's better to hold the article back a little while and do the research properly, rather than do a half-assed job and post it now. But never fear, dearest readers! I would never leave you in the lurch! Once again, I have scoured through the vaults and found a dusty old relic for your amusement (hopefully). Truth be told, I probably would have devoted a week of the project to this particular script anyway, since it was a crucial milestone in my own Ed Wood fandom. - J.B.
 |
| A dishwasher and his cartoon alter ego. |
Set in Hillsboro, Oregon (in reality, the state's fifth-largest city and a fairly picturesque place if Google Images is telling me the truth), "Day Job Officially Becomes Job" focuses on a defeated-looking, 29-year-old dishwasher named Mark Seversen who gives up on his dreams of becoming a professional cartoonist one day as his shift at a restaurant comes to an end. After years of cleaning and stacking soup bowls by day and churning out a homemade autobiographical comic book by night, Seversen suddenly realizes that he has become what he always dreaded: a professional, full-time dishwasher. From that point on, he is no longer an artist. "After four years of washing dishes to support my drawing projects," he says, "I've made the transition to washing dishes to support myself."
The article ends with pragmatic commentary from a self-help writer named Gregory Gund, whose works include Learning To Let Go Of The Things That Sustain You. That fake title of a nonexistent book has been haunting me lately, as has a comment made by the fictional dishwasher himself: "While I was at work, I'd think about what I wanted to draw. But once I got home, I just wanted to watch television."
That comes very close to describing my life, too, except I'm a decade older than Mark Seversen is supposed to be. Writing about Ed Wood movies brings me some degree of personal fulfillment, sure, but it doesn't mean a damned thing when bills arrive in the mail.
 |
| A working stiff in Glen or Glenda? |
And in the early 1970s, he was temporarily able to commit to a regular daily schedule during his prolific period of employment at Bernie Bloom's Pendulum Publishing, where he was expected to crank out short stories and full-length fiction and nonfiction paperbacks at a steady pace. Bernie ran the place like a factory, and he kept his worker bees all but chained to their typewriters in windowless offices which were tellingly called "cells." That doesn't sound like Eddie's style at all. Meanwhile, Wood cronies such as Steve Apostolof were always luring our boy away to make movies. For Eddie, writing for Bernie Bloom was his day job.
You can tell from his scripts and his stories that Ed had no real understanding of "the modern world and its business administration," as he termed it in his Glen or Glenda? script. What little he knew of that world, he disliked. Maybe that's why ski equipment salesman Harvey Shane grouses that "work is the curse of the modern system" in The Ski Bunnies. Or why beleaguered secretary Wendy Cavanaugh complains in The Beach Bunnies that "all I can see from my office are the tops of buildings... when I'm not staring at a typewriter." A nine-to-fiver, Ed wasn't.
Well, folks, I am part of the modern world and its business administration. And very often, that makes it difficult to do things like this blog. Sometimes, I think about following the example of dishwasher Mark Seversen and just giving up on any extracurricular creative pursuits to focus completely on my real job, the one which actually pays my rent. Maybe I'd be a lot happier. Maybe I'd be miserable. Who knows?
Anyway, this week, I thought it would be fun to return to my roots as an Ed Wood fan, something I wrote before the weight of the world crushed me into a fine powder. Seventeen years ago, in the Dark Ages of the Internet, I was a regular on a primitive but fun Usenet newsgroup devoted to the TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000 called rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc. This once-popular, now-nearly-dormant forum was affectionately known to its habitues as RATMM, which I always pronounced as "rat 'em."
One of the favorite pastimes on RATMM was posting "MiSTings." These were text-only approximations of the show in which you'd take a script or story or any risible chunk of text and make your own MST3K episode out of it by adding humorous running commentary from Mike or Joel and the 'bots. If you really wanted to get fancy about it, you could add occasional skits or "host segments," too. Being the budding Ed Wood nut that I was, I decided to use Jake Royal's remarkably-thorough transcript of Orgy of the Dead as the basis of my longest and most-ornate "MiSTing." I wrote other such MST3K fanfics, but this was the one which got the most attention back then.
So now, let's journey back to June 28, 1998. Back then, I was just a twentysomething college student who probably thought he was very, very clever indeed. I make no promises for the quality of what you're about to read. In all likelihood, it has aged like fine milk. Many of the jokes are now painfully out-of-date. Many more were never funny to begin with. But perhaps you can glean some enjoyment from this script anyway and, in so doing, gain some insight into the mind of your humble blogger. In other words: Don't think of this as comedy. Think of this as archaeology.
Thank you. And have mercy on my soul.
------------------------------------------------
o R g Y o F t H e D e A d
~-~-~-~ ~-~ ~-~-~ ~-~-~-~
------------------------------------------------
another MiSTing by JOE BLEVINS
------------------------------------------------
Comments welcome! Ca$h gifts readily accepted!
------------------------------------------------
INTRO: This is a MiSTing of an Ed Wood script. Abandon logic all ye
who enter here. If the Sci-Fi Channel weren't on basic cable, this
movie would make IDEAL fodder for the actual "MST3K." As it is, you
have to settle for this text MiSTing. The movie contains a LOT of
nudity. This script, however, is clean. (Sorry, teenage boys.)
For the uninitiated, "Orgy of the Dead" mainly consists of a series
of topless dancers gyrating in front of Criswell, who is supposed
to be the Emperor of the Dark World or something. Criswell, for the
uninitiated, is the loopy, white-haired "psychic" who narrated the
infamous "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "Night of the Ghouls."
_____ [Roll Season 8 theme song and credits]
| |
| T V | "In the not-too-distant future
| P G | Somewhere in time and space..."
|_____| ,``````````\
Mike Nelson / ,,,,,,,,,,;
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ || \
| _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ | Crow T. Robot || |
===| | | |=== , , \| ,- ,- |
|xxx| | | |xxx| (\____/) [s| <o | <o |
|xxx| | M Y S T E R Y | |xxx| (_oo_) | | |
|xxx| | U S E N E T | |xxx| (O) | C_) |
|xxx| | T H E A T E R | |xxx| __||__ \) \ ,____ /
|xxx| | | |xxx| []/______\[] / _ \ /
|xxx| | 3 0 0 0 | |xxx| / \______/ \/ [ ] '----'
===| |_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _| |=== / /__\ ( )
|_ _o_o_o_ _ _ _ _ _O_ _| (\ /____\ |>|
/______\ __/===\__
//| o=o |\\
<] | o=o | [>
[Twannnnnnnnnggggg....] \=====/
/ / | \ \ Tom Servo
<_________>
[*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[The bridge is empty. Nothing happens for a couple of seconds. Then,
we hear faint music. It's "The Washington Post March." It gets louder
and louder. Finally, Crow enters, dressed as a drum major. He is
followed by Servo, dressed as a Shriner (complete with fez), and Gypsy,
dressed as a beauty queen (lipstick, bouffant wig, and tiara). They
pass in front of the camera and exit. The music dies down, and the
bridge is again empty.]
[Mike enters and looks around. Nothing seems to be happening. He
shrugs.]
[After a couple of seconds, we hear the march music building up again.
Crow enters, and bumps into Mike. Servo bumps into Crow, and Gypsy
bumps into Servo. The music stops.]
Tom: D'oh!
Gypsy: Sorry, Tom.
Crow: [looks up at Mike] Oh! Hi, Mike!
Mike: Uh, hi, guys. What's going on?
Crow: Oh, ya mean this? Well, we thought you might be getting homesick
for the stultifying boredom of the Midwest.
Tom: Right! And what says stultifying Midwestern boredom better than
a small town parade?
Mike: Wow! You were having a parade in _my_ honor? I'm flattered.
You didn't have to do this!
Crow: Pish posh! It was nothing! Tom just whipped up these drum major
and shriner costumes with his Singer Handi-Stitch.
Gypsy: And I was crowned Miss Satellite of Love after a grueling 2-day
pageant. Odd, considering I was the only entrant.
Mike: I'm touched, but... why did you start the parade without me?
Crow: We were just planning to march back and forth until you
showed up. We've been at this since six a.m.
Mike: Well, I would've probably come sooner, but there was this great
"Real World" marathon on. Say, Tom, if you're a shriner, where's
your tiny car?
Tom: I had the Nanites build one for me, but I think they made it a
_teensy_ bit too small. See for yourself.
[Mike walks over to the glowing Nanoscope and peers in. He sees a
Nanite doing donuts in a microscopic Shriner car.]
Vic the Nanite: Wooohooo!
[Mike backs away from the microscope.]
Mike: I see what you mean. Well, if you don't mind, I've got a
marathon to get back to.
Crow: Wait, Mike! The small town parade experience isn't complete until
you've been pelted with stale candy.
Mike: Okay, but make it quick. They're about to show the one in which
Eternity wants to have Nevada kicked out of the house.
Crow: [to someone off-camera] You heard what he said, boys! LET 'ER
RIP!!!
[A truckload of individually-wrapped candies pours down from above.
Mike is buried in an avalanche of butterscotches and peppermints.]
Mike: [nearly smothered] MMPHHH!!
Crow: You can thank us later, Mike. Right now, just enjoy that candy!
[The commercial sign flashes.]
Tom: We'll be right back. Say, Mike, you gettin' enough oxygen down
there?
[Planet bumper; we hear a snippet from "The Washington Post March."]
[Door sequence bumper]
Announcer: This MiSTing is brought to you by Holydent, the only
sugarless gum officially approved by the Vatican.
[Commercial break #1]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[Crow, Tom, and a disheveled Mike are behind the console as usual.
The candy has been cleared away.]
Crow: Say, Mike, are you okay? Did we maybe overdo it on the candy
just a bit?
Mike: Maybe just a smidgen. Boy, those Starlight mints really pack
a wallop. [trying to laugh it off] The whole thing is pretty
funny when you think about it. It was kinda like the old
"Captain Kangaroo" show.
Tom: Oh, yeah! I remember that! What _was_ it exactly that they used
to drop on his head?
Mike: I think it was ping pong balls.
[A truckload of ping pong balls is dumped directly onto Mike, burying
him in a mountain of white plastic spheres.]
Mike: Mmmmmphh!
[Mads sign flashes.]
Tom: Whoops! Looks like Gladys Knight and the Pips are calling. Uh,
Crow, could you get that?
Crow: Sure thing, buddy.
[Crow hits the button with his beak.]
[THE WIDOMAKER - SOMEWHERE IN SPACE]
[Pearl, Bobo, Observer, and (yes!) Ortega are cruising in Pearl's VW
microbus. They are all in costume as characters from "The Wizard of
Oz: Pearl (as Dorothy), Bobo (as the Cowardly Lion), Ortega (as the
Scarecrow), and Observer (as the Tinman).]
Pearl: Hi, Nels...[squints at the camera] Uh, where are you, Nelson?
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[Mike's arm reaches out of the ping pong ball avalanche.]
Mike's Voice: [weak] Here.
[THE WIDOWMAKER - SOMEWHERE IN SPACE]
Pearl: Oh there you are. I declare, you can be as elusive as Robert
Denby sometimes. But getting back to more interesting subjects,
namely ME, I just got back from attending the Annual Convention
of Galactic Supervillains. It was a lot of fun catching up on
old times and swapping stories, but I think we got hosed in the
costume contest. "Honorable mention?" I mean, really... what
_is_ that?!? And the winning costumes were a joke! I mean,
Ming the Merciless looked _nothing_ like Barbra Streisand. And
don't get me started on Darth Vader's clown costume.
Bobo: I think it's an honor just to be nominated.
Observer: And we _did_ win this delightful "South Park" t-shirt.
[Observer holds up a t-shirt showing Cartman and the caption "Beefcake!
Beefcake!"]
Ortega: UnnnNNNnnngh.
Observer: Yes, he's _my_ favorite character, too, Ortega. He's very
much in the comedic tradition of Jacques Tati, and...
Pearl: Would you three shut your pie holes so I can send Nelson his
crummy movie script?!?
[The other three are silent.]
Pearl: I tell ya, this is the _last_ time I agree to give Ortega a
ride. [waves her hand in front of her nose] Pee-yew! And
speaking of pungent, lingering odors, your experiment this week
will be the script for "Orgy of the Dead" written by the one,
the only, Edward D. Wood, Jr. I hope you...
[Pearl's gloating is cut short.]
[Suddenly, in an incredibly amateurish special effects sequence,
the Widowmaker is caught up in a huge, swirling windstorm, which
carries it away.]
[SATELLITE 0F LOVE - BRIDGE]
Tom: Uh, Mrs. Forrester...? Hello...?
[Lights blink and siren goes off.]
Crow: There's no time to worry about that. We got "Orgy" sign!!
[Mike finally manages to dig himself out of the pile.]
[Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER.]
[Crow, Tom, and Mike enter and take their seats.]
Tom: Hey, Mike! You look a little peaked. Are you gonna be alright?
Mike: Oh, it's just some internal injuries. I'll be fine.
>
>
>
>
>
> "ORGY OF THE DEAD"
Crow: So THAT'S what Heaven is like!
>
> by
>
Tom: Lemme guess... Norman Mailer.
> EDWARD D. WOOD, JR.
Tom: That was gonna be my SECOND choice.
>
> From his novel "Orgy of the Dead"
Mike: An Alternate Reality Selection of the Book of the Month Club.
>
>
>
> Copyright 1965 Astra Productions
Crow: It was produced by George Jetson's dog?
>
> "ORGY OF THE DEAD"
>
> FADE IN:
Tom: A charming French villa. Interior. Midday.
>
> EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT.
Tom: Oh, sure. Go for the obvious cliche!
>
> CLOSEUP of HEAVY RIVETED IRON DOORS with round handles
> covered by spider webs.
Mike: Step away from the crypt. This crypt is protected by Viper.
>
> Two "GIANTS",
Crow: ...if you know what I mean...
> wearing leopard-skin shorts, iron bicep-bands and
> headbands,
Tom: Hey, you two! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
> pull the heavy iron doors open revealing the
> INTERIOR of the MAUSOLEUM.
Mike: Also known as Keith Richards' rec room.
> There is an ornate stone sarcophagus
> in the center of the room, raised up on an altar.
Crow: Hello, and welcome to "Martha Stewart Dying." I made this charming
sarcophagus out of marzipan.
> The back wall
> has a mantle with a bust of the Virgin Mary looking downward at
> the coffin.
Tom: [as Mary] As penance for making this movie, you'll have to say
five "Hail Me"s.
> There is a round red window in the center of the
> wall. A ray of red light shines through the window,
Mike: Looks like this movie has been sitting under a heat lamp.
> illuminating the misty fog hanging in the air.
Crow: Was "hanging in the air" really necessary? I mean, where do you
EXPECT to find fog -- in the underwear department at K-Mart?!?
>
> The giants walk into the Mausoleum.
Tom: [as giant] So, Ted, am I crazy, or do you smell the blood of an
Englishman, too?
> They lift the heavy stone
> lid off of the coffin,
Mike: And begin defrosting Walt Disney.
> revealing CRISWELL. He is lying in the
> coffin on his back, with his arms crossed over his chest and
> eyes closed.
Crow: [as John Cleese] Now THAT'S what I call a dead Criswell.
Tom: [as Michael Palin] He's not dead. He's resting. The Norwegian
Criswell prefers kippin' on 'is back. Beautiful plumage, eh?
> He is wearing black suit pants, a white shirt, a
> black ribbon-like bow-tie, and a black satin cape.
Mike: Our next model, Criswell, sports a stunning funereal ensemble by
Giorgio Armani. This is an outfit that says, "Bury me!"
>
> DISSOLVE TO:
>
> MEDIUM SHOT OF CRISWELL
Crow: [as Criswell] Don't come in too close, boys. I've got "coffin
breath."
>
> We see CRISWELL, Narrator of our tale and SOLE RULER OF THE
> DARK WORLD,
Tom: Funny, I thought that was Mary Hart's job.
> now sitting upright, slouching somewhat in his
> coffin,
Mike: Looks like the sole ruler of the dark world hasn't been getting
enough calcium in his diet.
> glancing offscreen (at his cue card).
Crow: And he hasn't memorized his script either. Tsk, tsk!
>
> During his monologue,
Tom: Ed MacMahon keeps saying "Hoy-ohhh!" for some reason.
> each time Criswell looks up at the camera
> a DRAMATIC PAUSE is inserted as he then looks back down at the
> cue card and searches for his place in order to continue.
Mike: Why don't they just save time and HAND HIM the cue cards?
>
> CRISWELL
> I am Criswell!
Crow: And I am a cape-aholic.
Tom and Mike: Hi, Criswell.
> For years I have
> told the almost unbelievable,
Crow: To any poor sap who'll listen.
> related the unreal, and shown it
> to be more...than a fact.
Tom: How can it be not real _and_ more than a fact?
> Now I tell a tale of the
> threshold people,
Mike: Count your blessings. It could've been a tale of the Village
People.
> so astounding
> that some of you may faint.
Crow: Of course, that could just be people fainting from my bodily
funk.
>
> MONOLOGUE CONTINUES
Tom: [as Johnny Carson] Today, in the afterlife, it was _so_ cold.
Mike and Crow: HOW COLD WAS IT?
Tom: It was _so_ cold, Howard Cosell had to wear an extra toupee for
warmth! It was _so_ cold Richard Nixon made Checkers into fur
earmuffs. It was _so_ cold, Edgar Bergen decided to use Charlie
McCarthy for kindling. It was _so_ cold...
[Mike and Crow groan at these corny jokes.]
Tom: May the hounds of Hell take a whiz on your pennyloafers.
> AS CAMERA CUTS TO GRAVEYARD SEQUENCE:
>
> SHOT of an ancient TOMBSTONE,
Mike: This frozen pizza may be centuries old!
> surrounded by fog, with a
> human SKULL sitting at its base.
Crow: [sings] Another Saturday night, and I ain't got no body...
> DISSOLVE TO:
>
> CLOSEUP of BLACK RAVEN with thick fog swirling around it
Tom: Watch this movie? Nevermore!
> DISSOLVE TO:
>
> Another tombstone, with a cherub-like engraving on the front
Mike: It says - "Ve get too soon old und too late schmart."
> DISSOLVE TO:
>
> A plaque-like grave stone
Crow: Too much plaque can lead to cavities.
> on the ground with fog swirling
> over it, a Skull and a long bone sitting on the ground by it
>
> CRISWELL (Voice Over)
> This is a story
Tom: Of eight corpses picked to rot in a graveyard to find out what
happens when flesh decomposes.
> of those in
> the twilight time...
Crow: Senior citizens.
> once human,
> now monsters,
Mike: Senior citizen IRS agents.
> in a void between
> the living and the dead.
Tom: Senior citizen IRS agents waiting in line at the DMV.
> Monsters to be pitied, monsters
> to be despised...
Crow: Monsters to be forgotten soon.
> CUT BACK TO CRISWELL:
>
> CRISWELL (continuing)
> A night with the Ghouls...
Mike: A.k.a. Fleetwood Mac.
> the
> ghouls reborn,
Tom: For a lucrative reunion tour.
> from the
> innermost depths...
Crow: Of Tenafly, New Jersey.
> of the
> world.
>
> TITLE MUSIC BEGINS
Mike: C'mon, everybody, let's sing the ORGY OF THE DEAD theme song!
All: [sing] Come and listen to my story 'bout a kook named Cris
Glanced at the cue cards to see which lines were his
Turned to the cam'ra lens and this is what he said,
"Tonight we're gonna have ourselves an orgy of the dead."
> MAIN TITLES
>
> TITLES are superimposed over a still photo of a Gilded Nude
> Female Figure
Tom: [as lady] Boy, one day, you're in "Goldfinger," and the next...
> sitting on the stone altar in the MAUSOLEUM.
Crow: [as lady] If I weren't dead, I'd be freezing my buns off out here.
>
> ASTRA PRODUCTIONS
> presents
Mike: I hope Astra Productions kept the receipt. I have a feeling I'll
want to return these presents.
> CRISWELL
> in
Tom: Diapers!
>
> ORGY OF THE DEAD
> Copyright by Astra Productions 1965
Crow: I think this is more of a copy-WRONG.
>
> starring
> FAWN SILVER
> as Black Ghoul
Mike: Black ghoul -- Texas tea!
> PAT BARRINGER
> as Shirley
> WILLIAM BATES
> as Bob
Tom: Shirley and Bob? Those are pretty lousy names for ghouls reborn!
>
> featuring
> Gold Girl Dance...........PAT BARRINGER
Crow: Wasn't one of Pat Barringer enough? Do we really need two?
> Hawaiian Dance.............MICKEY JINES
> Skeleton Dance...........BARBARA NORDIN
Mike: Safety Dance...........MEN WITHOUT HATS
> Indian Dance...............BUNNY GLASER
Tom: Bunny Glaser? Is that a real Indian name?
Crow: Yeah. It means "Dances For Tips."
> Slave Dance..............NADEJDA DOBREV
Mike: That can't be a name. It must be some horrendous typo.
Tom: I doubt it. Maybe it's an anagram for "BRAVE JADED DON."
Mike: Oh, that makes a little more... huh?!?
> Street Walker Dance......COLEEN O'BRIEN
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Crow: Hey! The host of "Late Night" is in this movie. I hope he does
that delightful "In the Year 2000" bit.
> Cat Dance...................TEXAS STARR
Tom: I hear Ms. Starr clawed up all the furniture in her dressing room
and kept coughing up hairballs on the set.
> Fluff Dance................RENE DE BEAU
> Mexican Dance...........STEPHANIE JONES
Mike: When I think "authentic Mexican dancing," the first name that
comes to mind is Stephanie Jones.
Crow: It would be a shame if poor Stephanie got typecast as a Mexican
because of this movie.
> Zombie Dance...............DENE STARNES
Tom: Oh no! This isn't going to be "Horror of Party Beach," is it?
>
> Mummy.......................LOUIS OJENA
> Wolf Man...................JOHN ANDREWS
Mike: All your generic, non-copyrighted horror movie favorites are
here.
> Doctor...................EDWARD TONTINI
> Second Doctor............WILLIAM BONNER
Crow: The first script doctor told Ed Wood this film was beyond hope,
so he got a second opinion.
> Giants....................ROD LINDEMANN
Tom: So Rod is playing both Giants? Now that's versatility.
> Detective...................JOHN BEALEY
> Nurse....................ARLENE SPOONER
Mike: Actually, the Nurse isn't a character in the movie. She just had
to take care of Criswell on the set.
>
> Costumes.................ROBERT DARIEUX
> Art Director.............ROBERT LATHROP
Crow: "Art director" -- that's a pretty fancy term for a guy whose job
is to paint phony plywood gravestones.
> Sets..................ERNEST BOUVENKAMP
> Sound.......................DALE KNIGHT
Tom: Dale did a pretty lousy job. I can't hear a thing!
> Assistant Cameraman......ROBERT MAXWELL
> Make-up.................MARGARET DAVIES
Mike: Uh, Margaret, you didn't use enough make-up. Some of Criswell's
facial features were still distinguishable.
> Hairdresser..............NANCY SANDOVAL
>
> Choreographer..................MARC DESMOND
Crow: The seemingly improvised spaz attacks in the movie were carefully
choreographed by Marc Desmond.
> Still Photographer............ROBERT WILSON
Tom: Yes, even after working on this movie, Robert Wilson is STILL a
photographer.
> Production Supervisor..........TAD STAFFORD
> Post Production Supervisor..DONALD A. DAVIS
Mike: Boy, these supervisors must've been asleep at the wheel.
Tom: Tell me about it. I mean, they didn't even stop Pat Barringer
from playing two roles.
> Color.........................EASTMAN COLOR
Crow: Color, huh? A lot of good that does us now!
> Processing.....CONSOLIDATED FILM INDUSTRIES
Tom: Consolidated Film Industries wishes to state that it bears no
responsibility for the overall lack of quality of the following
film.
>
> Screenplay by
> EDWARD D. WOOD, JR.
> From his novel "Orgy of the Dead"
Mike: Y'know... Ed Wood scripts really ought to carry some sort of
Surgeon General's warning, don't ya think?
>
> Director of Cinematography
> ROBERT CARAMICO
Crow: Caramico? That's that chocolate bar filled with caramel, right?
I love those things!
>
> Associate Producers
> WILLIAM BATES
Tom: Hey! William Bates was the guy playing Bob! You don't think he
got the part because he put up his own money, do you?
> L.S. JENSEN
> NEIL B. STEIN
Mike: Neither of them got parts. They must not have put up enough cash.
>
> Produced and Directed
> by
> A. C. STEPHEN
Crow: I wonder what he tells his family he does for a living.
>
> FADE TO BLACK.
[Planet bumper]
[Commercial break #2]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] > > FADE IN. Tom: Still with us? Good. Let's continue, shall we? > > EXT. HIGHWAY IN WILDERNESS. "NIGHT" Mike: "Night of the Living Dumb" > > A CONVERTIBLE is driving along a DESERT ROAD. Crow: When it suddenly squashes the Road Runner. > LONG SHOTS of > the automobile driving are filmed in bright sunlight. Tom: In an Ed Wood script, time is meaningless. Day is night. Night is day. It's Zen For Dummies. > The > desert hills are clearly visible in the background, with only > a slight darkening to suggest day-for-night, Mike: If these hills have eyes, they're probably looking away in embarrassment right now. > but the car's > headlights are on so we clearly understand that it is pitch > black in the dead of night. Crow: We do? Did I miss a meeting or something? > CUT TO: > > MEDIUM SHOT - BOB AND SHIRLEY IN CAR. NIGHT Tom: Well, you got out of my dreams and into my car. Now what? > > BOB and SHIRLEY are seated in the CONVERTIBLE, driving through > the night, on a "date". They are searching for an ancient > CEMETERY. Mike: [as Chuck Woolery] So tell me, Shirley, how did the date end? Crow: [as Shirley] Well, Chuck, after we left the Olive Garden, we spent the rest of the night graverobbing. It was... er, different. Mike: Sounds super. Would you be willing to go out with Bob again? Crow: Hmmmm... he IS sort of creepy, and his car has the stench of death, but I guess that beats sitting at home watching VH1. > MEDIUM SHOTS have a pitch black background and dark > shadows across the car. Tom: What do you expect in an Ed Wood film? Flawless continuity? ANY continuity, for that matter? I mean, at least the film is consistent in its inconsistencies! What more could you want? > > Shirley is leaning over in her seat toward Bob, who is > driving. Mike: [as Bob] Wow! This looks like _the_ perfect spot to bury that body I stashed in the trunk. > > SHIRLEY > We sure picked the wrong night > to find a cemetery. Crow: But, honey, it's two-for-one drink night at Forest Lawn. > Let's turn > back. Tom: Bob and Shirley are kind of the low-budget Brad and Janet of the '60s, aren't they? > > BOB > No. It's on a night like this > when the best ideas come to mind. Mike: Like the time I came up with that idea for carbonated liquid cheese. > > SHIRLEY > But does it have to be in a > cemetery? Crow: I mean, can't we go to a funeral parlor or a crematorium just once for variety? > > BOB > You wouldn't understand. Tom: It's like professional football and the Three Stooges -- chicks just don't get it. > Seeing > a cemetery on a night like this > can stir in the mind the best > ideas for a good horror story. Mike: Here's one -- Carol Channing in a thong bikini. > > SHIRLEY > But there're so many wonderful > things to write about, Bob. Crow: Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, multiple orgasms... > > BOB > Sure there are--and I've tried > them all. Plays, love stories, > westerns, dog stories. Tom: Yes, Bob just summed up all of Western literature there. > Huh, > now there was a good one, that > dog story all about-- Mike: --the time Lassie said, "To hell with it," and left Timmy in the abandoned mineshaft. > > SHIRLEY > (interrupting) > But horror stories! Why all the > time horror stories? Crow: Why did Shirley become a Jewish mother all of a sudden? > > BOB > Shirley, I wrote for years > without selling a single word. Tom: Then, I sold my first word -- "aardvark." I never looked back after that. > > Bob lets go of the wheel with his right arm and puts it around > Shirley, Mike: He puts the wheel around her? Isn't that a little dangerous? > who leans closer against him. > > BOB > My monsters have done well for > me. Crow: I've trained them to rob gas stations. > You think I'd give that up > just so I could write about > trees, or dogs, or daisies? Tom: But trees, dogs, and daisies are the foundations of good storytelling. Every writer knows that! > Huhuh--Daisies! Mike: [as Bob] I hate those damned things. > That's it, > I'll write about my creatures > who are pushing up the daisies. Crow: Or maybe I'll write an episode of "Please Don't Eat the Daisies." > > Shirley looks up at Bob and smiles. He tilts his head down and > they kiss. Tom: Y'know, this scene here inspires me to write a love song. Uh, Mike, what rhymes with "severe halitosis"? > BOB > Your puritan upbringing holds > you back from my monsters, Mike: She must be a member of a strict anti-monster sect. Premarital sex, murder, gambling... these are all fine. But NO Mothra movies! > but > it certainly doesn't hurt your > art of kissing. Crow: [as Bob] You are one sexy Puritan babe. Tom: I think the word "art" is being abused here. In fact, I think it should file for a restraining order. > > SHIRLEY > That's life. My kisses are > alive. Mike: [as Ren Hoek] Alive, I tell you! Alive!!!! > > BOB > Who's to say my monsters > aren't alive? Crow: Well, me for one. > > LONG SHOT of the car driving down the road > > CUT back to MEDIUM SHOT of Bob and Shirley Tom: We just wanted to give you another day/night continuity error to snicker at. > > BOB > All of my books are based on > fact, or legend. Mike: Or the cartoons on Bazooka Joe wrappers. > That's perhaps > why they're more interesting Crow: Than blank pieces of paper. Tom: But only a little more interesting. > and sell in the top spots. > Mike: His books are big sellers among illiterates and the inbred. > SHIRLEY > Well, fact or not, I don't > see how we're going to find > an ancient cemetery in these > mountains tonight. Crow: That bright daylight is causing an awful glare. > I can't > see a thing! Let's turn back. Tom: Wouldn't it be funny if they ran into the family from "Manos, the Hands of Fate," coming the other way? > > BOB > There's an old cemetery on > this road. Mike: Which may account for the name Old Cemetery Road. > I've been there > before. Crow: [as Bob] They know me there. > > LONG SHOT of car driving up a desert road with a sandy > mountain in the background. Tom: [sings] Billy was a mountain Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder > > SHIRLEY > I'm getting the jitters! > Let's turn back! Mike: Why is that the girl is always the one who wusses out in these movies? > > BOB > (reluctantly) > Okay. [Crow makes the "whipped" sound.] > > Bob takes his arm from around Shirley and puts it back on the > wheel. Tom: [as Bob] Well, I guess now's as good a time as any to start withholding affection from you. > > BOB > Just as soon as I find a > place wide enough to turn > around. Mike: Just think -- if Bob had been driving a compact car, he could've turned around right then, and the movie would've been over. Damn these American gas guzzlers! > > CLOSEUP of CAR INTERIOR - DASHBOARD. > > CUT BACK TO MEDIUM SHOT - Bob and Shirley Crow: Which of these expressed more emotion -- the dashboard or the stars of the movie? Tom: I've gotta say the dashboard. Mike: Yup, gotta go with the dashboard on this one. > > SHIRLEY > Not so fast! Crow: We've got to stretch this driving scene to pad out the movie's running time! > > We hear sounds of tires squealing on the road. > > CLOSEUP of car wheel racing along the road. Tom: Bob has "road rage," and it hasn't even been invented yet! > > CUT BACK TO MEDIUM SHOT - Bob and Shirley > > SHIRLEY > (desperately) > Not so fast! Mike: [as Shirley] You're not even listening to me, are you? Crow: [as Bob] Yeah, honey. Whatever you say, honey. > > CLOSEUP - CAR PEDALS. Bob steps hard on the brake, > then pumps the brake repeatedly. Tom: Which is what you're supposed to do on those icy desert roads. > > CUT BACK TO MEDIUM SHOT - Bob and Shirley. Shirley screams > and hides her face with her hands. Mike: Toonces, look out! > > ZOOM IN on a high dirt bank at the roadside, then the screen > swirls and spins quickly to suggest a dizzying automobile > crash. Crow: [French accent] Might I suggest an automobile crash tonight, monsieur? > > DISSOLVE TO: > > EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Tom: So that car accident threw them clear into the woods all the way from the desert, huh? > > Bob and Shirley are lying on their backs, unconscious, > on the ground. Mike: How can you tell when these two are unconscious? > The ground is covered by scattered leaves. > Misty fog swirls over them. > (beat) Crow: Is this supposed to be haiku? > Shirley wakes up and sits upright groggily. She looks > around, then looks down at Bob. Tom: [as Shirley, weakly] That's... the last time... I use.... a computer.... dating service... > She moves toward him and > cradles his head in her lap. [Mike and the 'Bots begin to exit the theater.] Mike: [as Shirley] Well, as long as he's unconscious, I might as well get _some_ use out of him. [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Mike is looking through a stack of books piled on the console as Tom and Crow enter.] Crow: Here's a sight you don't see everyday... Mike with actual books! And not coloring or pop-up books, either. Tom: Ya plan to read those bad boys, Mike, or do you have to even out a wobbly coffee table or something? Mike: Very funny, guys. Actually, I was looking through the vast Satellite of Love archives and found some of Bob's horror novels. Crow: Y'mean that doorknob from the movie actually _is_ a writer? Mike: I kid you not. He's really quite prolific. I mean, look at all these books he's written -- "Salem's Lot," "The Shining," "Cujo"... Tom: Uh, Mike, honey, I don't mean to disappoint you or anything, but... [yells] THOSE ARE ALL STEPHEN KING NOVELS, YOU DUNCE! Mike: Au contraire, mon frere. Look, it says here right on the cover "by BOB." [He holds up one of the books, and -- sure enough -- the cover says "THE SHINING by BOB."] Crow: I'm still not convinced. I mean, Bob might make a convincing assistant ice cream vendor or freelance stapler repairman, but a professional writer? Puh-leeze. Tom: Exactly. No sale, Mike. Mike: If you don't believe Bob is the real author of these books, let me read from one of them and prove it to you. Here's an excerpt from his smash best-seller, "Carrie." [Tom and Crow groan as Mike picks up one of the books and begins to read aloud from it. "Scary" music fades up in the background.] Mike: "It was a cool but not unpleasant March evening as Carrie Snodgrass drove home from her shift at K-Mart. Making sure to carefully commander her Dodge Dart though hospital zones, the dowdy 37-year-old checkout clerk reminisced about the events of the day. The manager, Don, had rebuked her for allowing a customer with 15 items in the 12-items-or-less line. 'Three packs of gum count as three items, not one,' he explained. Carrie could think of only one way of settling the score with Don..." Tom: Use her psychic powers to make his head implode? Crow: Pull out his tongue and then strangle him with it? Mike: "...write him a note sincerely apologizing for the whole misunderstanding." [Scary music fades out.] Tom & Crow: Boo! Hiss! [Mike sets the book down.] Mike: Now do you believe me that Bob wrote these books and not Stephen King? Tom: And how! Crow: That story was positively dripping with Bob-osity. [Crow whispers something to Tom. He nods, and they turn to leave.] Mike: Where are you guys going? Tom: To the word processor, of course! Mike: Oh, so Bob's writing inspired you to pen your own bone-chilling tale of terror? Crow: You bet! We figure, if a walking flank steak like Bob can be a successful author, we might as well have a go ourselves! [They exit.] Mike: [calling after them] Good luck! And don't spill Tab on the keyboard like you did last time. Tom: [off] We won't! [Commercial sign flashes.] Mike: Y'know, part of me wants to believe that. We'll be right back. [Planet bumper] [Commercial break #3][SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] [Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats.] Mike: So how's the novel coming? Crow: The project is a goner, Mike. Tom and I had a lot of creative differences. You know how it is when we artistic types try to collaborate. Mike: You spilled Tab on the keyboard again, didn't you? Tom: It was Crow's fault, Mike. I swear! > DISSOLVE TO: > > EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT Crow: Didn't we do this part already? > > Cemetery is filled with fog. We see a large stone throne > framed by ornate columns, with an altar beneath it. Tom: I think you're right, Crow. This definitely looks familiar. Maybe "Orgy of the Dead" is part strip show and part Mobius strip. > There > are tombstones in the background, and skulls and bones on > the ground. Mike: [as Daffy Duck] Crithwell, you are a thhhlovenly houthkeeper. Crow: Hey, say it don't spray it, Mike. > > CAMERA PANS RIGHT across a small clearing to the MAUSOLEUM. Tom: And Keith Richards himself should be waking up any time now. > > CRISWELL (VO) > It is said on clear nights, Mike: "I can see my crypt from here!" > beneath the cold light of the > moon, howl the dog and the wolf, Crow: And the chicken. > and creeping things crawl out > of the slime. Tom: Big deal. The same thing happens whenever there's a "Star Trek" convention at the Ramada Inn. > It is then the > ghouls feast in all their > radiance. Mike: I hope the ghouls have taken their Pepcid AC. > > The Mausoleum doors creak open on their own, [Crow sings the "Johnny Carson" theme.] > and Criswell > quickly ^^^^^^^ Tom: Huh? Criswell's doing something QUICKLY? Mike: Must be a misprint. Crow: Maybe he'd been chugalugging Ensure before the filming. > stalks out across the clearing, hiding his face > behind his long black cape which is held up with his bent > elbow against his face, in Dracula fashion. Tom: [as reporter] Mr. Criswell, is it true this movie causes cancer? Mike: [as reporter] Mr. Criswell, have you no conscience? Crow: [as Criswell] No comment! Talk to my attorney! > > CRISWELL (VO - Continuing) > It is on nights like this most > people prefer to steer clear of, Tom: Street fairs. > uh, Burial Grounds. Mike: Is Cris just ad-libbing at this point? > It is on > nights like this, that the > creatures are said to appear, > and to walk! Crow: And to demand bigger dressing rooms! > > CUT TO: > > MEDIUM SHOT, CRISWELL CLIMBING ONTO HIS THRONE Tom: His Craftmatic adjustable throne. > > Criswell walks up the steps to the altar, across the altar, > and then sits down on the stone seat. Mike: I'm betting a stone Barco lounger is tough on the old hind quarters. Not a whole lot of "give" there. > He then slowly lowers > his cape from his face and regally looks off to the right > (at his cue card). Crow: Y'know, some people call cue cards "idiot cards," but after this movie, I think I'll always refer to them as "Criswell cards." > > CRISWELL > The day is gone, the night is > upon us, Tom: Time to curl up with a bowl of popcorn and watch some "Must See TV." > and the moon, which > controls all of the underworld, Mike: Of course, the moon officially denies having any mafia connections. > once again shines...in radiant > contentment. > (beat) Crow: Turn those Criswell cards a little FASTER, people! > Come forth, come forth, o > Princess of Darkness. Tom: [whistles] Here, Princess of Darkness! Here, Princess of Darkness! C'mere, girl! [whistles again] > > Criswell repeatedly beckons slowly toward himself with his > right hand, staring across the clearing at the mausoleum. Mike: [sings] When I'm calling youuuuuuuuuu [Crow howls like a wolf.] > > The PRINCESS OF DARKNESS is standing in front of the > Mausoleum. Tom: I can't believe they got Tipper Gore to appear in this movie! > She walks into the clearing with an entrancing > demeanor, her arms outstretched straight in front of her. Crow: Why do zombies always walk that way? Are they afraid of running into something in the dark? > She is wearing a long black low-cut dress with long open > sleeves. The sleeves are lined with red and hang down a > couple feet from her wrists. Mike: I see she shops at Elvira's of Hollywood. > She walks slowly over toward > Criswell's throne. > Tom: No use trying to delay the inevitable, sweetheart. You've GOT to sit next to him for the rest of the movie. > The Princess of Darkness stands beside Criswell's throne, > crosses her forearms in front of her chest, and bows toward > him. Crow: [as Princess] Oh Supreme Ruler of the Dark World, I am unfit to tighten the straps on your girdle. > He nods toward her. She reaches out and places her > left hand on Criswell's right hand. Mike: [as Criswell] Are we going steady now or what? > > CRISWELL (VO) > Time seems to stand still. Tom: You've noticed that too, eh? > Not > so the ghouls, Crow: They haven't taken their Ritalin today. > when a night of > Pleasure is at hand! Mike: Pleasure for _whom_, specifically? > > Criswell continues to hold the Princess of Darkness's hand, > and she looks at him seductively. > Tom: I think we're about to see some sexual harassment in the workplace, gentlemen. > CRISWELL > If I am not pleased by tonight's > entertainment, Crow: I won't be the least bit surprised. > I shall banish > their souls to everlasting > damnation! Mike: Talk about a harsh entertainment critic! Tom: He makes John Simon look like a girl scout! > > The Princess of Darkness again crosses her arms in front of > her chest and slowly bows to Criswell. Crow: [as Princess] I am unfit to stir your Metamucil, O Great One. > > CUT TO shot of the FULL MOON with dramatic cymbals crashing, > then back. Mike: I kind of pity the moon in this situation. I mean, it had NO say about being in this movie whatsoever. > > CRISWELL > And who is to be first? Tom: Funnyman Buddy Hackett, followed by Joan Embrey of the San Diego Zoo and the music of Jack Jones. > > The Princess of Darkness claps twice, summoning the first of > the night's entertainers. Crow: So the Dark World is hooked up to the Clapper...? > These poor souls must dance for > Criswell's approval. Mike: And the worst of it is, they're non-union. > If he is pleased, they can continue to > entertain him for centuries, but if not, they will be banished > to everlasting damnation by the All-powerful Criswell. Tom: It's a classic lose-lose situation. > > LONG SHOT OF THE CLEARING. Huge flames rise from the ground > in front of the clearing. Crow: AAHHH!! The movie is spontaneously combusting! Quick! Nobody go for help! > The INDIAN GIRL enters the clearing > and begins to Dance. Mike: Shake yer wampum-maker, Little White Dove. > She is wearing a red Native American- > style dress and headband. Tom: Ladies and gentleman, I give you Miss Bunny Glaser, authentic Native American. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > One who loved flames. Crow: Her netiquette was terrible. > Her lover > was killed by flames. She died > in flames. Mike: That'll teach her to compare me unfavorably to the sleepy-eyed guy! > > The INDIAN GIRL DANCE begins. Tom: Watch Criswell try to stuff twenties into her papoose. > > The Indian Girl dances around for awhile, then dances away > into the foggy background. Crow: Now there was a plot twist I didn't see coming. > > EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Mike: Whose woods these are I don't particularly care. > > Bob slowly wakes up and sits up. Bob and Shirley look > around. > Tom: [as Bob] Gee, Shirl, it's been a lot of fun, but I've gotta get up early tomorrow, so I really should be going. > EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT > > The Princess of Darkness points dramatically toward the > mausoleum and begins to speak without moving her lips! Crow: Just as I suspected -- the Princess of Darkness is Shari Lewis! Mike: I wonder if she ritually slaughtered Lambchop. > A > marvel of filmmaking art. Tom: And ventriloquy. The Princess really ought to hook up with the Great Vorelli from "Devil Doll." > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > (out of sync with picture) Crow: I know how she feels. I'm out of sync with this picture, too. > One who prowls the lonely streets > at night in life is bound to Mike: ...wind up at Denny's. > prowl > them in eternity. Tom: I just hope her shoes have good arch supports. > > The STREET WALKER DANCE begins. Crow: And within minutes, Hugh Grant arrives on the scene, beating Eddie Murphy and Charlie Sheen by mere moments. > The STREET WALKER walks > into the clearing wearing a pink dress and purple feather > boa, and beckons with her finger as if to say, Mike: "Bring me that bottle of gin. I'll need it to get through this scene." > "Come here, > Criswell!" Tom: "It's time for you to be changed and fed." > > EXT. WOODS. NIGHT. > > At the car accident scene with Bob and Shirley, slow jazz > music is audible from the nearby festivities in the cemetery. Crow: So this is less an orgy than it is a concert in the park. > Bob and Shirley are still sitting on the ground, looking > toward the source of the music. Mike: [mellow DJ voice] You're listening to the light sounds of KORG-- Orgy of the Dead radio for the entire Tri-county area. > > CRISWELL (VO) > Ahh, the curiosity of youth... Tom: [as Criswell] May it be squelched forever by this movie! > on the road to ruin! May it > ever be so adventurous! Crow: I'm having trouble seeing Bob and Shirley as adventurous youth on the road to ruin. They seem more like TGI Fridays employees on the road to a management training seminar. > > SHIRLEY > I'm so frightened. Mike: [as Shirley] What if someone I know sees this movie and recog- nizes me? > > BOB > Well we certainly can't stay > here. C'mon. > > SHIRLEY > Where? Tom: [as Bob] Well, Frank-N-Furter's castle is just down the road a ways and if they don't have a phone, maybe that Torgo fella from the Valley Lodge can help us. > > BOB > In there. > > SHIRLEY > It frightens me. Crow: Of course, she's also afraid of shoelaces, lentil soup, and nice warm mittens. > > BOB > Silly, there's nothing in > there to be afraid of. Mike: Well, except for that wild-eyed psychopath with the machete, but I'm sure he's basically harmless underneath his terrifying exterior. > > SHIRLEY > Then..then what's that music? Tom: Oh no! Is Bob going to have to sing "Do Re Mi" to her to explain what music is? > > BOB > That's what I want to find out. > We have to get help. Crow: Or at least tell them to turn the music down. It's after dark, for cryin' out loud. Does the phrase "noise ordinance" mean anything to these ghouls? > > SHIRLEY > What help can we possibly find > in the cemetery at this time of > night? Mike: You don't think this cemetery has a technical support hotline, do you? > > BOB > Something's making that music. Tom: Something mellow... something almost DISTURBINGLY mellow! > > SHIRLEY > I'm not sure I care to find out > what it is. Crow: I don't care what it is either. It's like the script is reading my mind! > > BOB > All right. Don't worry, I'll > be right beside you. Mike: [as Bob] And by "beside you," I mean "cowering behind you." > > SHIRLEY > What help will that do if > something in there isn't dead? Tom: To be honest, none. I was sort of hoping to use you as a human shield. Is that okay with you? > > BOB > Not dead? In a cemetery? Crow: I'll be mellow when _I'm_ dead, that's for sure. > > SHIRLEY > I can't imagine anything dead > playing that music. Mike: Shirl must not have much of an imagination. > > BOB > Well, it's probably just the > caretaker, Tom: The caretaker must be Bob James. > and that's exactly > who we want to find. They'll > have a telephone. C'mon. Crow: I have the strange urge all of a sudden to throw toilet paper and rice at the screen. > > Bob helps Shirley up from the ground and leads her into the > thick bushes. Mike: Five seconds later, Bob contracted lyme disease. Coincidence? > > EXT. CEMETERY, NIGHT > > Criswell nods repeatedly, Tom: He picked a fine time to suddenly become "Rain Man." > smiling at the dancer in approval. > The Street Walker's clothes have suddenly disappeared. Crow: Some continuity errors can be forgiven, of course. > > Bob and Shirley creep beneath the bushes, crouched down low. Mike: It's so embarrassing when your lead actors are actually upstaged by vegetation. > They reach the edge of the clearing where Criswell and the > Princess of Darkness are watching the Street Walker Dance. Tom: [wolf whistles] Shake it but don't break it, baby! Crow: [as Criswell] Gimme a lapdance, and I might consider not banishing your soul to everlasting damnation. > > SHIRLEY > Could it be some kind of > college initiation? Mike: Survey says... BZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTT!! > > BOB > It's an initiation all right, > but not of a college as you > and I know them. Tom: Oh, y'mean Ferris State? > Nothing > alive looks like that! Crow: Maybe she's just a vegetarian. They always look like the living dead. > > SHIRLEY > Can't we get out of here? > > BOB > I'm not sure... Mike: [as Bob] But my instincts are telling me to stay here and ogle that nude woman for a little longer. > > SHIRLEY > What do you mean? > > BOB > I'm not sure, myself. Tom: Oh, THAT clears things up. > It's > just a feeling I've had > since the crash... Crow: I feel strange stirrings from deep inside my Sansabelt slacks. > Like I > feel a cold chill all over.. Mike: Uh, that might be because you're outside in the middle of the night, Einstein. > ..Now this! > Tom: [as Bob] I'm not sure how much more of this erotic dancing I can take! > The Street Walker dances with a Skeleton that is hanging by > the door of the mausoleum. Crow: [as skeleton] Woah-ho! This is way better than that gig I had in that high school biology class! > > The Street Walker dance ends. All: Awwwwwww! > > CRISWELL > I would see for approval, the > one who in life worshipped > gold above all else. Mike: Summon forth Uncle Scrooge McDuck! > > The Princess of Darkness points dramatically toward the > mausoleum again to start off the next dance. Tom: [as Ed Sullivan] Ladies and gentlemen, THE BEATLES! [Planet bumper] [Door sequence bumper] Announcer: This MiSTing is brought to you by the makers of "My Mother The Car: The Movie" starring Drew Carey. It's a comedy that's auto this world! Stop idling... see it today! [Commercial break #4][SATELLITE OF LOVE- THEATER] > > The giants walk to the doors, now wearing red and white > horizontal-striped miniskirts (or ancient Egyptian garb?). Crow: Y'know, those giants must be really secure in their masculinity to dress like that. > They pull the iron doors open slowly, and we see the GOLD > GIRL DANCER lying on her back on the altar inside. Mike: Having back pain? Maybe you're sleeping on the wrong mattress! > > SHIRLEY > (pointing toward the mausoleum) > Look! Tom: [as Pat Barringer] It's me in my even MORE demeaning role! > > BOB > Be careful!--They'll see you. > Crow: [as Bob] Criswell just had surgery for his cataracts! > The Gold Girl Dancer rises slowly and seductively from the > table, then stalkingly dances out into the clearing. Mike: The stalker dance was choreographed by Mrs. David Letterman > She is > wearing a metallic gold tunic-like dress. Tom: Hey, her dress is made of gold lame. Mike: Uh, Tom, I think that word is pronounced "la-MAY." Tom: Trust me, Mike. If it's in THIS movie, it's just plain lame. > > We see a shot of Bob and Shirley watching, and suddenly the > Gold Girl's dress has disappeared. Crow: Big deal! She's wearing a copper-insulated girdle underneath. > > The Gold Girl Dance continues. Mike: But for how much longer? America waits and wonders. > > CRISWELL > Throw gold at her. Tom: Criswell must be a Democrat. He tries to solve a problem by throwing money at it. > > The giants pick up a bucket of gold doubloons and begin > slowly sprinkling them over the Gold Girl as she dances. Crow: Er, guys... I don't think this is what Reagen meant by the "trickle-down" effect. > She sits on the ground and reaches for the falling coins. > > CRISWELL > More gold. Mike: [as Criswell] Throw Flava Flav's teeth at her! > > The giants continue dropping gold coins on the Gold Girl. > She picks up the gold coins, rubbing them over her body, > in ecstasy. Tom: Isn't she afraid the chocolate in those coins is going to melt? > > CRISWELL > (excitedly) > More gold! Crow: Why does he keep saying that? He must be trying to start a catch phrase, like "Show me the money" or "Where's the beef?" > > The giants continue, to the delight of Criswell. The Gold > girl tries to scoop all the scattered coins closer to her. Mike: Why bother? Is she planning to do some shopping in the Underworld? > > CRISWELL > (impatiently) > More gold! Tom: [as Criswell] And step on it! "Matlock" is on in five minutes! > > The giants continue. Criswell is thrilled, and begins to > LAUGH loudly. Crow: [pretending to laugh] I just remembered a hysterical "Family Circus" I saw this morning. > > CRISWELL > (to the Princess) > For all eternity, she shall > have gold. Mike: And Hell's been off the gold standard for years! > > The Princess of Darkness laughs in acknowledgement, Tom: Suck-up! Crow: Brownnoser! > then > claps her hands twice, commanding the Giants to finish the > ceremony. Mike: [pauses] Oh, I guess I'll say it... "CLAP OFF!" Crow: C'mon, Mike, we already did a Clapper joke. > > The Giants walk toward the Gold Girl, who is still on the > ground playing with the gold coins and rubbing them on her > body. Tom: Here's a hint -- if the gold color rubs off on your skin, the coins probably aren't real. > The giants pick up the Gold Girl, who resists, trying > to maintain contact with the gold. She reaches for it as > they lift her up. Mike: ["mom" voice] C'mon, honey. It's time for bed. The coins will still be there in the morning, and you can play with them then. > > CLOSEUP of a BUBBLING GIANT CAULDRON full of a substance that > is supposed to look like gold. Crow: Yuck! It's C-3PO's jacuzzi! > > The Giants dip the Gold Girl feet first into the cauldron, > submerging her entire body. Tom: And now Miss Pat Barringer will do her impression of a French Dip sandwich. > > A few seconds later, the giants lift the Gold Girl out of the > cauldron. Crow: Be sure to leave your ghoul in the cauldron until she's toasted to a golden brown. > Her body is now entirely gilded, and she is stiff. Mike: Are you sure this is how the Solid Gold Dancers got started? > They lift her onto their shoulders, Tom: Why? Did she score the winning touchdown? > carrying her like a board, > walking in front of Criswell's throne, Crow: [as Criswell] This gilded nude woman is undercooked! Send her back to the kitchen. > then back into the > mausoleum, laying her body on the altar. > > We see Bob and Shirley, looking dismayed. Mike: [mournful] We're missing "Friends" for this! > > CRISWELL (VO) > And both couldn't help but > remember a line from one of > Bob's stories: Tom: "As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams..." Wait, that isn't it. > "A sudden wind > howls. The night things are > all about me. Crow: Night things? Could you be a little more specific, maybe? > Every shadow, a > beckoning invitation... Mike: ...to someone's open house. > to > disaster. I know I should > think of other things, of > pleasant things, Tom: Of "Wild Things." > but I can't. > How can I think of other things, > of pleasant things, Crow: Successful authors like Bob know that good writers use the word "things" whenever possible. For example: "It was the best of things, it was the worst of things, it was the age of things, it was the age of other things..." > when I am > in a place surrounded by > shadows and objects, which can > take any shape, here in the > darkness... Mike: So the "line" they were both reminded of was actually more like a rambling, nonsensical paragraph? Tom: Looks that way. > Any shape my mind > can conceive." Crow: Trapezoid, rhombus, you name it. > > Deep in the woods, we see THE WOLF MAN and THE MUMMY, walking > quickly. Mike: [as the Mummy] If we hurry, we can catch the last few minutes of "Judge Judy." > > Suddenly, Bob and Shirley are grabbed from behind by the WOLF > MAN and the MUMMY. Tom: Don't worry. The Wolf Man and Mummy just took a first aid class, and they want to try out the Heimlich Maneuver. > The Wolf Man and The Mummy drag Bob and > Shirley over to the clearing near Criswell's throne. Crow: [as Criswell] No, you idiot! I called for my pipe, my bowl, and my fiddlers three! > > The Princess of Darkness is now seated at Criswell's right > side with him on his throne. Mike: She is seated at the right hand of the father. She will come again in glory to judge the living dead. > > CRISWELL > Bring 'em in! Tom: [as Criswell] And have 'em sign my yearbook! > > The Princess of Darkness stands and walks to the end of the > altar below Criswell's throne, then sits on the lower seat at > the end of the altar and crosses her legs. Crow: [as Princess] Phew! That took a lot out of me! > > The Wolf Man and The Mummy drag Bob and Shirley over to the > center of the clearing to face Criswell, The Sole Ruler of > the Dark World. Mike: [as Mummy] We got the two hooligans who were throwing eggs at your mausoleum, Criswell. > > CRISWELL > They are live ones? Tom: As improbable as it may seem, yes. > > THE MUMMY > (with audible tape hiss added) Crow: Tape hiss was actually _added_ to this dialogue? That seems pretty gratuitous. > Yes, Master. > > CRISWELL > Live ones where only the dead > should be? Mike: What can I say? The underworld has really lax security. > > THE MUMMY > Yes, Master, and we caught > them, him and me. Tom: They caught _themselves_ then? > > The Mummy motions toward the Wolf Man. > > THE WOLF MAN > WWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHAHAAAA!!! Crow: I hear he improvised all his dialogue. > > CRISWELL > You shall both be rewarded. Mike: With a cost-of-living allowance and a dental plan! > (To Princess) > My Dear Empress of the Night, > put these intruders to the > test. Tom: Have them play "You Don't Know Jack About Eternal Damnation." > > Medium Shot of Princess of Darkness. (Suddenly the Princess > of Darkness is beside the throne again, several feet from the > seat at the foot of the altar) Crow: Gee, that's odd. A continuity error in an Ed Wood movie? Who would have guessed? > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > But they are not yet one of us. Mike: [as Princess] They have not yet signed their membership cards or taken their loyalty oath. > > CRISWELL > (happily) > A situation easily remedied. Tom: [as Criswell] I love my work! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > Tie them that they may watch. Crow: Y'know, this is the _only_ way Paul Simon could get people to sit through "The Capeman." > > CUT back to long shot of the entire throne and throne altar. > The Princess of Darkness is now seated again at the end of > the altar. Mike: [sings] Round, round, get around All: [sing] She gets around > > The Wolf Man and The Mummy tie Bob and Shirley to very tall > grave stones. Tom: [as Bob] Must... hide... arousal! > > CUT to medium-close shot of Princess of Darkness, whose chest > is heaving excitedly as she grips the handle of the long > sacrificial dagger tucked into the belt at her waist. Crow: [as Princess] Average-looking people get me _so_ hot! > > SHIRLEY > (desperately, to Criswell) > Fiend! Fiend! Mike: [as Shirley] Forcing us to watch a strip show was bad enough, but the two-drink minimum -- it's inhuman! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > To love the cat, is to be > the cat! Tom: Suddenly, the movie becomes an ad for Friskies. > > Criswell motions toward The Princess of Darkness, who then > walks back up onto the altar and then sits down beside > Criswell again. [Mike and the 'bots start to leave.] Crow: She's logging more miles than a Northwestern flight attendant at this point. [Planet bumper] [Commercial break #5][SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [There's a special guest aboard the Satellite of Love -- Criswell, the nutjob from the movie. He and Crow are chatting casually as Mike and Tom enter. There's a slice of cake on a saucer in front of Cris.] Crow: So, Emperor of the Dark World, huh? Does that job pay pretty well or...? Criswell: I cannot complain, my gilded friend. [Crow notices Mike & Tom.] Crow: Oh hi, guys! I'd like to have you meet my new buddy, Criswell. You might remember him from the movie. Tom: Uh, hi, Cris. Mike: Hi, Mr. Criswell sir, nice to meet you. [Mike extends his hand, but Criswell does not notice. Instead, he gestures grandly as he faces the camera crew. He has a faraway look in his eye.] Criswell: [dramatically] I am Criswell, Sole Ruler of the Dark World! I reign supreme over the tormented souls of the dead! Crow: Isn't he precious? I invited him over to sample some of my famous Velvet Crumb Cake. I got the recipe off a box of Bisquick. Criswell: If I am not pleased by this Velvet Crumb Cake, I shall banish all of your souls to eternal damnation! [Tom and Mike gasp.] Criswell: Silence! [Criswell picks up a fork and spears a hunk of cake. He chews it thoroughly. The moment is pregnant with anticipation.] Tom: [whispering] Oh, great. The fate of our souls depends on what some old kook thinks of Crow's stupid crumb cake. Mike: Shhh! Criswell: [chewing] Mmmm... not bad... moist, chewy, sweet but not overbearing. I hereby decree this crumb cake to be worthy of Criswell, Sole Ruler of the Dark World! [Tom and Mike heave a sigh of relief.] Crow: I _knew_ you'd like it. I added a hint of nutmeg. Criswell: Really? I thought I tasted nutmeg. Crow: Correct as usual, O Ruler of All That Is Dark. [There's an awkward pause in the conversation.] Criswell: [checking his watch] Well... the souls of the dead aren't going to torment _themselves_, so I really should be going. Crow: It was great having you over, Cris. We should get together more often. Criswell: [exiting] So long, lowly ones! See you in Hell! All: BYE, CRISWELL! [He leaves.] Crow: [to Mike and Tom] And you were worried. [Mads sign flashes.] Mike: Hey, the Mod Squad's calling. They must've survived that space tornado thing. [He pushes the button.] [MUNCHKIN CITY - MAIN SQUARE] [The Widowmaker has crashed into the center of downtown Munchkinland. A pair of feet sticks out from beneath it. Pearl, Ortega, Observer, and Bobo are surrounded by a pack of horrified-looking Munchkins wielding pitchforks.] Pearl: Hi, Mike. Not much time to talk. Long story short -- the space tornado thingie somehow transported us to the magical fantasyland of Oz, and we apparently squashed some witch. [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] Mike: Oh, you killed the evil Wicked Witch of the East, huh? That's great! You'll be his- Crow: You'll be his- Tom: You'll be history [MUNCHKIN CITY - MAIN SQUARE] Pearl: Well, not exactly. We _would've_ hit the Wicked Witch of the East if we'd gotten here a few moments sooner. But Bobo just couldn't tear himself away from the buffet table at the convention, could you, Bobo?!? Bobo: I'm sorry, Lawgiver. They were serving Vienna Sausages. I'm not made of stone! Pearl: Thanks to him, we showed up a _tad_ late, and we wound up squishing Glinda, the beloved Good Witch of the North. The Munchkins look pretty cheesed off about the whole thing. [The munchkin throng grows angrier and closes in on the group.] Observer: Pray for us, Nelson. Ortega: UnnnNNNNggghhh! [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] Mike: [shaking his head] Aw, that's a shame. But ultimately, we must move on. [Lights flash. Siren goes off.] Tom: Because we have "Orgy" sign!! [Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] [Mike and the 'bots take their seats.] Crow: The Munchkins were probably just upset because their movie came in behind "Lawrence of Arabia." > > The CAT GIRL DANCE begins. > Mike: She had to go to Betty Ford for her catnip addiction. > > > CRISWELL > (jovially) > A pussycat is born to be > whipped. Tom: Hey, what Josie and Alan choose to do in private is their _own_ business. > > The Cat Girl Dance ends. Crow: And Texas Starr goes back to her home state -- Utah. > > CRISWELL > (excitedly) > It will please me very much > to see the Slave Girl with > her tortures! Mike: And "The Goodbye Girl" with Richard Dreyfuss. > > CUT TO interior of the stone mausoleum. The Ancient Egyptian > SLAVE GIRL is chained from her wrists to a high hook on the > wall. Tom: It's Lydia the Human Shower Curtain. > One of the "giants" pretends to whip her with a cat > o' nine tails. Crow: Couldn't he just tickle her armpits or something? > > CUT back to CRISWELL. Mike: But why? Why?!? It doesn't make sense! > > CRISWELL > (excitedly) > Torture! Torture! It > pleasures me! Tom: Thank you, movie, for this scene of Criswell becoming sexually aroused. That's just what I wanted to see. Crow: All I can say is, thank god Viagra wasn't around back then. > > The slave girl pulls with all her might and the chains > suddenly pop off the hook. Mike: [as commercial announcer] Sure-Fine chains -- All the bondage, half the price! Available at Menard's. > She then pushes the iron doors > open and dances out into the clearing. Tom: [as girl] At last, I'm free to gyrate obscenely in front of an elderly man! Hooray! > > The Slave Dance concludes. Crow: [as girl] Guess it's back to pushing that boulder uphill for all eternity. Oh well... > > SHIRLEY > I'm so frightened. Mike: [as Dorothy] I'm frightened, Auntie Em, I'm frightened. > > BOB > You've got a right to be. Tom: You have the right to remain terrified. Any panties you wet can and will be held against you. > We're trapped by a bunch of > fiends. Crow: Comedy Central executives. > > SHIRLEY > Those creatures..! > > BOB > Don't let them hear you. Mike: They're very sensitive, and we wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. > > SHIRLEY > What can we do? Tom: Do the trouser press, baby. One, two, three, KICK! > > BOB > I don't know. I just don't > know. Crow: [as Bob] My usually-fertile mind has become a barren wasteland. > But don't give up. > We're not finished yet. Mike: We can wear down their defense in the fourth quarter. > > Shirley closes her eyes and sighs. > Tom: [as Shirley] I really shouldn't have left those ruby slippers at home tonight! > BOB > Easy Shirley, Easy! Panic > won't do us any good! Crow: [as Shirley] It will, too! And stop calling me easy! > Let > me think. We've got to > stall for time. Mike: Oh great. Their lives depend on Bob's intellect. Well, they're pretty much doomed. > > SHIRLEY > I'm afraid I'll faint. > > BOB > Whatever you do, don't do > that. Tom: [sings] I would do anything for love, but I won't do that Crow: Uh, do what exactly? Tom: You know... "that." > > The Camera zooms back and we see that the Wolf Man and The > Mummy are hiding behind Bob and Shirley. Mike: We've secretly replaced Bob and Shirley's regular masseurs with two creatures from the bowels of Hell. Let's see if they notice. > The Wolf Man has > his hand up to his ear so he can hear what Bob and Shirley > are saying. Crow: Aren't canines supposed to have excellent hearing or something? Tom: All except this one. He spent too many years touring with Motorhead. > > The Wolf Man and The Mummy then creep over toward Criswell's > throne. Mike: [as Mummy] Come, my lupine brother, and together we will overthrow the Criswell regime. > > The Wolf Man whispers into The Princess of Darkness's ear while > The Mummy and Criswell watch. Crow: [as the Wolf Man, whispering] Hey, baby, I know a real nice kennel where we could go after the movie's over. > > The Princess of Darkness gets up from the throne and walks over > to Shirley. Shirley grimaces. Tom: [as Princess] So tell me, Shirley, did you ever see "The Children's Hour"? > The Princess of Darkness > unbuttons Shirley's blouse, then marks Shirley's abdomen with > a red (blood?) cross using her long sharp fingernail. Mike: This is where we'll be making the incision. > > Shirley screams. Crow: [as Shirley, crying] Wahhhh! I have an owie! > > The Princess of Darkness pulls her long dagger out of her belt Tom: [as Princess] I hope you don't mind. I've got to practice my knife-throwing act. I'm booked at the Sahara in two weeks. > and raises it, staring into Shirley's eyes. Suddenly, Criswell > yells: Mike: Stop! In the name of love! > > CRISWELL > HOLD! Crow: HOLD THE MAYONNAISE ON MY TURKEY CLUB! > > The Princess of Darkness pauses and looks back at Criswell. Tom: [as Princess] Uh, can't it wait, Cris? I'm kinda in the middle of something here. > > CRISWELL > Let her continue to learn. Mike: [as Criswell] Renew her subscription to "Omni." > The time is not yet right > that they should join with > us. Crow: We will claim no soul before its time. > > The Princess of Darkness reluctantly puts her dagger back in > her belt and tucks Shirley's blouse back in. Tom: [as Princess] This always happens! As soon as I start to have a little fun, _he_ comes along and ruins it. Sometimes, I think he can't stand to see me happy. > > The Princess of Darkness walks back to Criswell's throne. > He pulls a human skull out from behind his seat. Mike: [as Criswell] So _this_ is what's been causing my lower back pain. > > CRISWELL > ...And what is this? Crow: The Sole Ruler of the Dark World doesn't know what a skull is? > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > A symbol, Master. > > CRISWELL > What kind of symbol? Tom: It's a symbol of death, you stupid knob! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > She loved the bull ring > and the matador. She > danced to their destruction. Mike: She had a funny way of showing her love. > Now she dances to her own > destruction. Her dance is > of skulls. Crow: The management respectfully asks our customers to refrain from using the skulls as hackey-sacks. > > The Princess of Darkness takes the skull from Criswell and > throws it dramatically into the clearing. Tom: Dang! Another gutterball! > > The MEXICAN DANCE (SKULL DANCE) ensues. All: [sing] La cucaracha, la cucaracha She dances with a human skull La cucaracha, la cucaracha Something, something, Martin Mull Cha cha cha! > > CRISWELL > She came to us on the Day of > the Dead. Mike: [as Criswell] I remember we were having Hot Pockets that day... > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > El Dia De Los Muertos... Crow: That's Spanish for "There's no way this is going on my resume." > A > celebration in her country. Tom: Belgium, I mean. > > CRISWELL > Her dance has pleased me. Mike: [as Criswell] It was slightly less putrid than the others. > > The Princess of Darkness snaps her fingers, starting the > HAWAIIAN DANCE (SNAKE DANCE). Crow: She learned that trick from the Fonz. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > With the loss of her lover, > this one cast herself into > the Volcano's fire. Tom: And that was before volcanoes were computer-generated. > > A couple times during the dance, there are abrupt cuts to > STOCK FOOTAGE of a rattlesnake in a bright daylight shot in > tall dry grass. (Looks like it was from a documentary) Mike: How refreshing. The director wanted to include some educational footage along with all the softcore porn. > > CRISWELL > She was? Crow: Uh, Mike, am I losing it, or did Cris just read the wrong card? > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > As I said, a worshipper of > snakes, and of smoke, and > flames. Tom: [as Princess] And she also apparently didn't deal with break-ups too well. > > CRISWELL > Oh, yes, a religion of sorts. Mike: Sort of like "Star Trek." > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > It would seem so, Master. > > Hawaiian Dance continues, then cut to The Mummy and The Wolf > Man. Crow: We interrupt this nudity to bring you a dialogue scene. > > THE MUMMY > I don't like snakes. Tom: That must be the mummified corpse of Indiana Jones! > I remember > the one Cleopatra used. Cute > little rascal Mike: Darla Hood? > until it flicked > out that red tongue, and those > two sharp fangs. You'd never > think such a little thing > packed such a big wallop. Crow: That was Ed Wood's idea of a sly double entendre. > > THE WOLF MAN > Aaaaahhnnnhaaaaaannnhhh? Tom: The Wolf Man must've taken diction lessons from Marlon Brando. > > THE MUMMY > Hurt her? Hell, it killed her! Mike: Plunger? I hardly know 'er! > > THE WOLF MAN > (in agreement) > Aaaahhhhnnnahhhnnnggnnn. Crow: Why couldn't Criswell's lines have been that easy to memorize? [Commercial break #6][SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] > > Hawaiian/Snake Girl continues to dance. Tom: She's not talented, but at least she's persistent. > > THE MUMMY > We had lots of snakes in my > ancient Egypt...slimy, slinky > things. Mike: Much like Comedy Central executives. > > THE WOLF MAN > Aahhhhnnnaaahahnn. > AaaaaahhhhoooWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Crow: Oh, I get it. He's doing his "Tim Allen" voice. > > THE MUMMY > When I was alive, they were the > things nightmares were made of. Tom: [as the Mummy] Now, my nightmares are mostly about Rip Taylor and Olestra. > > THE WOLF MAN > Aaarrrgggaahh. Mike: One thing I'll say for the Wolf Man, he's a good listener. > > The Hawaiian Dance ends. Crow: Now it's time for the Nebraskan dance. > > CRISWELL > She pleases me. Permit her to > live in the World of the Snakes. Tom: I'd hate to see where he sends the dancers who _don't_ please him. > (audible cue card flip) Mike: Don't sweat it. We'll fix it in post. > > CRISWELL > (continuing, after finding his place on the next cue card) Crow: It's never too late to learn to read. > Now, I will talk...to The > Wolf Man...and The Mummy. Tom: But we're running a little over, so we'll have to have David Brenner back some other time. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > As you wish, Master Mike: It must be strange being an intern in Hell. > > The Princess of Darkness motions for The Wolf Man and The Mummy > to come. Crow: I was born one-thousand, nine-hundred, and fifty-nine years ago. My daddy was a mummy, too. Watch what happens when I walk up to somebody. [makes squeaky sound] > > THE MUMMY > He wants us. Mike: Criswell's just seen a parade of topless dancers, and yet he summons for a couple of day players in rented Halloween costumes. > > THE WOLF MAN > Aaahhnnnahnnnn. Tom: Y'know, he's got a point. > > THE MUMMY > What do you suppose for? Crow: Nude backgammon? Greco-Roman wrestling? Light housekeeping? > > THE WOLF MAN > Aaaaannnnnuuunnnuhhhhh? Mike: [nodding] Uh huh. I see where you're coming from. > > THE MUMMY > Did you do something to get > us into trouble again? Tom: [as Oliver Hardy] ...Stanley? > > THE WOLF MAN > Aannnnaahhnn. Crow: Now, that was just uncalled for. > > THE MUMMY > Did you howl off-key at > the moon again? Mike: [sings] What would you do if I howled out of tune Would you stand up and walk out on me? > > THE WOLF MAN > Aannnnaahhnn. Tom: That's crazy talk! Have you lost it, man? > > THE MUMMY > I can't remember doing > anything wrong either. Crow: Well, other than writing "CRISWELL SUCKS" on the bathroom wall. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > COME! Mike: [as Princess] And make sure to wipe your feet. Criswell hates having mud tracked all over his nice clean graveyard. > > THE MUMMY > We better go before we > make him mad. > > The Wolf Man and The Mummy walk over to Criswell's Throne. Tom: The Wolf Man and the Mummy should really rethink their career plans. I don't think these jobs are working out too well. > > THE MUMMY > (apprehensively) > We are your servants, Master. Crow: [as the Mummy] You won us in that charity auction, remember? > > The Wolf Man bows to Criswell. Mike: Awwww, that's cute. Someone get him a Milk Bone. > > CRISWELL > Of course you are. > > The Wolf Man and the Mummy crouch in fear as they face Criswell. Tom: [as Criswell] And you dare to come to me for a raise, do you? > > THE MUMMY > Have we in some way made > you angry, Master? Crow: [as Criswell] Yes, you misspelled my name on the bathroom wall! > > CRISWELL > You know better than that. > > THE MUMMY > We don't know of anything, > Master... Mike: [as Sgt. Schultz] I know NOTHING! > > CRISWELL > Then why do you shake so? Tom: We're doing the Hokey Pokey, sir. > > THE MUMMY > It's not often an Emperor > like you calls on creatures > like us. Crow: [as the Mummy] It seems like we hardly ever hear from you anymore. I know you're busy and everything, but you could at least find the time to make a phonecall. > > CRISWELL > Well rest easy, I'm not > angry with either of you. Mike: [as Criswell] I'm angry with myself, really. I guess it all goes back to my childhood... > > THE MUMMY > (relieved) > Aaaahhhh. Tom: The Imodium just kicked in. > > The Mummy Sighs in relief and the Wolf Man nods. > > THE MUMMY > Then it is some service you > desire of us. Crow: [as Criswell] Indeed. I want you to seal-coat my driveway. > > CRISWELL > You are the keepers of the > Damned. You two know them all. Mike: Rat Scabies, Captain Sensible, the whole lot. > And I am tired of this usual > type of entertainment. > I want...a decided change. Tom: Bring on "The Golden Girls." > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > The moon!...is soon gone! Crow: It wants to spend more time with its family! > > The Princess of Darkness points up at the full moon. Mike: [as Princess] See that big round thing up there? That's the moon, O Great One. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > There is little time left for > the remainder of the evening's > pleasures. Tom: [as Princess] Let's pass judgment on a few more souls, then call it a night, huh? > > The Princess of Darkness gets up from the seat at the end of > the altar and walks around beside Criswell's throne. > > CRISWELL > Yes, yes yes I know all that. Crow: [as Criswell] But if I wanted to be a slave to the clock, I'd get an office job. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > At the first sight of the > morning sun's rays, we must > be gone. Mike: [as Princess] I have a morning shift at Dunkin' Donuts. > > CRISWELL > I suppose most of the others > will have to wait for their > judgement until after the next > full moon. Tom: Oh no. Did he just set up "Orgy of the Dead 2: Judgment Day?" > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > It would seem so, Master Crow: The Underworld's legal system is just as backed up as ours is. > > CRISWELL > Ahh, but I declare there is > still time for something. Mike: [as Southern belle] Ah do declare! > > THE MUMMY > There are one or two which > should complement the night's > entertainment, Master Tom: They call themselves Willie Tyler and Lester! > > CRISWELL > Ahh, good. Then I will > see them. Dismiss the rest. Crow: [as Criswell] Have them take their miserable souls to some other b-movie. Maybe the Devil from "The Undead" has a few openings in his schedule. > > THE MUMMY > Yes, sir, Master. Mike: [as the Mummy] I really ought to be out terrorizing people, not kowtowing to some old windbag. I'm wasting the best years of my afterlife. > > Bob's hands are wiggling, trying to loosen the rope binding > his wrists behind his back around the stone column. Tom: [as Bob] Oh, who am I kidding? We're dead meat. I should just give up right now. > > BOB > The ropes are coming loose. Crow: At this point, what isn't? > > SHIRLEY > Be careful! > > BOB > I am--It's our only chance. Mike: [as Shirley] If we survive this, I think we should start seeing other people. > > SHIRLEY > Nothing is worth your life. Tom: Except maybe Knicks tickets. > > BOB > My guess is if we don't > take the chance pretty soon, > we're not going to have much > life left anyway. Crow: Not that they had too much to start with. > > SHIRLEY > I'm frightened. I'm so > frightened. Mike: Shirley's frightened -- there's a newsflash. > > BOB > Hold on just a little > longer, Shirley. Tom: Once I get free, I'll run to the nearest phone booth and call the police. They'll send out a search party for you, I'm sure. > > SHIRLEY > Be careful, oh please be > careful. Crow: [as Shirley] I still need a ride home. > We'll never get > out of here alive, I know > it. I just feel it. Mike: Looks like someone needs to read "The Power of Positive Thinking." > > BOB > You do? > > SHIRLEY > Yes I feel it in my bones. Tom: [as Shirley] Or is that indigestion? > > BOB > You're talking nonsense. Crow: You're speaking ubbi-dubbi language. > > SHIRLEY > Oh, no I'm not. Mike: She's in denial. > These > heathens probably have > an open grave for us. Tom: But that's just their way of showing hospitality. > > BOB > They wouldn't dare put > us in the same grave-- > or would they? Crow: [as Bob] That would be extremely poor manners! Emily Post would not approve. > > SHIRLEY > I should hope not. I > hate you! Mike: Finally, Shirley said something intelligent. > > BOB > That sudden? > > SHIRLEY > Yes, that sudden. Tom: Broads -- they're hard to figure. > If it weren't > for you we wouldn't be hunting > for an old cemetery on a > night like this. It's all > your fault. Crow: [as Bob] I can't believe you're bringing _that_ up again. > > BOB > (dejected) > ...And I thought you loved me. Mike: [as Bob] I suppose you were just using me for sex. [Tom and Crow recoil in horror.] [Planet bumper] [Door sequence bumper] Announcer: This MiSTing is brought to you by the Council to Promote Suicide. If it was good enough for VanGogh... [Commercial break #7][SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] > > > The Princess of Darkness is leaning over, covering her mouth > and whispering into Criswell's ear, looking over her hand back > at Shirley. Tom: [as Princess, whispering] Did you hear what Shirley said about you in homeroom today? > > CRISWELL > Not yet. I perhaps have other > plans for such a pretty one. Crow: [as Criswell] I'm not quite sure what those plans might be, but I have them. > No matter, I will tell you when > and if you may have her. Mike: No souls until Christmas morning, young lady. > > The Princess of Darkness crosses her forearms and bows to > Criswell. Tom: [as Princess] I bow to your infinite wisdom, O Senile One. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > The Wolf Man informs me that > the next one is the woman who > murdered her husband on their > wedding night. Crow: Boy, their first fight as a married couple didn't go too well, did it? > Now she dances > with his skeleton. Mike: And yet, _he_ still leads. > > The SKELETON DANCE begins. > Tom: Didn't we already have this one? Mike: No, that was the skull dance. This is entirely different. > The SKELETON DANCE GIRL, wearing a white dress and long > wedding veil, Crow: I guess this is a pretty nice day to [sings] START AGAIIIINNNN!! > comes into the clearing with a skeleton. She > dances with the skeleton, then dances in the clearing for > Criswell. Tom: If this were Vaudeville, they'd be getting out the big hook right about now. > > The Skeleton Dance concludes. Mike: I'm not 100% certain, but I _think_ I'm detecting a pattern in this script. > > CRISWELL > (to Shirley) > Have you not enjoyed the > evening's festivities? Crow: At least it's been better than the average Andrew Lloyd Webber play. > > Shirley is silent and looks downward. Tom: She was the first shoegazer. > > CRISWELL > Ahh, that will soon change > when you become one of us! Mike: [as Criswell] You will get a shirt with your name stitched above the pocket and a key to the employee washroom. > > The Wolf Man leans back and howls. (He tilts his head back so > far his fake rubber wolfman mask comes up and you can see his > skin at the bottom of his neck) Crow: Geez, they weren't even able to get a _real_ Wolf Man for this crummy movie. > > THE WOLF MAN > WWAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAHHGGGGHHHAAAA- > AAAAAAAAAHHGGGGGHHHHHHHhhhhhh! Tom: You take that back! > > CRISWELL > It would seem that The > Wolf Man would have you > for his own! Mike: [as Criswell] He wants to use you as a chew toy. > > SHIRLEY > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Crow: Hmmmm. Those tonsils look infected, Shirl. > > CRISWELL > I have promised both The > Wolf Man and The Mummy a > reward. Tom: [as Criswell] I have promised to take them both to McDonalds for Happy Meals. > It could be that > you are that reward. Mike: [as Criswell] Or I could just give them gift certificates from Sox Appeal. > > SHIRLEY > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Crow: Yup. Those tonsils have got to go. > > CRISWELL > You need not worry...Not just > now, anyway. Tom: You can start worrying.... NOW! > > BOB > Leave her alone, you fiend! Mike: [as Bob] Or I'll give you a really unflattering description in my next story. > > CRISWELL > Fiend is it! You will not > be so fortunate. Crow: [as Criswell] You will be forced to watch "Saved by the Bell" for all eternity. > Your > existence will cease within > moments. No one wishes to > see a man dance... Tom: Someone PLEASE tell that to Michael Flatley! > (looking at Shirley) > And you, my dear, will entertain > for centuries to come. Mike: [as Shirley] So you're sending me to Branson? > > BOB > If I could get my hands on > you... Crow: [as Bob] I'd give you such a wedgie! > > CRISWELL > ..Oh, You could do nothing! Tom: Criswell's right. Bob makes Charles Nelson Reilly look like Lee Majors in comparison. > (to Shirley) > I can save you much pain. Mike: [as Criswell] I can also save you 20% on long distance. > > BOB > Leave her alone, I tell you! Crow: Make me, ya big baby! > > CRISWELL > (to Shirley) > I do not joke in my proposal. Tom: [as Groucho] Can't you see what I'm trying to say, darling? I love you. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > She is to be mine! It is so > spoken! Mike: Well, yeah... spoken by _you_ maybe! Big whoop! > > CRISWELL > The Princess of Darkness would > have you for her own to join us > through extreme pain. Crow: Lengthy exposure to the music of Uriah Heep. > (beat) > Yet I am inclined for one as > lovely as you, to be more lenient. Tom: Cris and the Princess are kind of playing "good cop, bad cop," aren't they? > I have but to touch you with my > finger, and it would mean the end > of you, all over, quickly and > painlessly... Mike: Maybe this is why Criswell's Babysitting Service didn't go over too well. > > SHIRLEY > No. No! No! Crow: [as Criswell] So your answer is yes, then? > > CRISWELL > I repulse you? Very well. Tom: [as Criswell] This is just like being junior high all over again. > It > seems you have chosen your own > fate. Live with it! I should > say die with it! Mike: Because that's what's written on the card! > > Bob looks down somberly, then looks over at Shirley. Crow: [as Bob] Does this mean we're breaking up? > > BOB > I've got the ropes loose now. > I've got my hands free. Tom: [as Bob] You don't know how badly I wanted to use my hands during those dances. > Be > careful--Don't change your > expression too much. They > must not catch on. Mike: I have a feeling that's one assignment Shirley can handle. > > SHIRLEY > What can we do against them? Crow: [as Bob] We could ring their doorbell and run. > > BOB > I don't know, yet. We'll > just have to watch our chance. Tom: Watch it go right by without taking advantage of it. > When it comes I'll know what > to do--I hope I'll know what > to do. Mike: [as Bob] To be honest, I'll probably just wet my pants and cry like a big baby. > > SHIRLEY > I still don't know what ever > made me go steady with a > crackpot writer like you. Crow: [as Shirley] Why'd I ever break up with that nice Ernest Hemingway? > > BOB > All right. Put it on heavy. Tom: Just like your mascara. > > SHIRLEY > My old boyfriend Tommy would > never have gotten me in a > mess like this. At least he's > got brains. Mike: And he's one hell of a pinball player. > > BOB > Him! I'll bet he sleeps > with all the lights on. Crow: Oh, like Bob doesn't! > > SHIRLEY > Maybe so. Tom: [as Shirley] But I only slept with him a few dozen times, so I don't really remember. > > CUT TO shot of The Mummy talking to The Wolf Man Mike: Mummy and Wolf Man -- this movie's answer to Rowan and Martin. > > THE MUMMY > I could make her another > Cleopatra... Crow: But _one_ of those movies was plenty! > > THE WOLF MAN > Ahh hahahhnnn hahnnn! Tom: He's trying to do a Krankor laugh. > > THE MUMMY > Without the snake, of > course. Mike: [as the Wolf Man] Well, I'd love to stay and chat some more, but I've got to go host "Midnight Special." > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > (impatiently) > Well? Crow: [as Princess] Can I borrow the car tonight or not? > > CRISWELL > Ahh, she will be yours. Tom: If the price is right. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > (impatiently) > When!? Mike: Kids today! It's all "gimme, gimme, gimme" with them! > > CRISWELL > At your discretion...But > first, I desire more > entertainment. Crow: [as Criswell] Bring forth Kool and the Gang! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > The moon is almost gone! Tom: Soon it will be time for another disappointing episode of "Good Morning America." > > CRISWELL > Ahh, there is yet time. Mike: I think it's safe to say at this point that Criswell is addicted to strippers. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > At the first sight of the > morning's rays' light... Crow: ...We must be in our first period Social Studies class. > > CRISWELL > (getting annoyed) > I know the laws of the night. Tom: It has a thousand eyes and belongs to Michelob. > I state there is still time > for yet another. Mike: This movie really _is_ a Mobius strip! It's a one-sided surface with no beginning and no end. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > (forcefully) > I would have time for my > own pleasures! Crow: [as Princess] ...If I weren't so busy taking care of _you_! > > CRISWELL > (angrily) > Your own pleasure comes only > after mine, when I desire it. Tom: The first sensitive man. > I am the Sole Ruler of the > Dark World. Mike: [as Criswell] And don't you forget it! Crow: [as Princess] How can I forget when you keep bringing it up every five minutes, Mr. Bossyboots? > There is no one > to challenge my authority here. > My word is the law--all powerful. > No one is to challenge that > authority, no one! Tom: Criswell thinks he's a Los Angeles police officer. > Is that > understood? It is my command. Mike: [as Criswell] Now go to your tomb, young lady. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > I understand, Master Crow: It probably wouldn't do much good for her to file a grievance with the union, would it? > > CRISWELL > Then see that it does not > happen again, in the penalty of > Everlasting Despair. Tom: [as Criswell] I can turn you into Jackie Vernon whenever I please! > Now are > there others? > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > There are others. Mike: They've been waiting in the green room throughout the whole movie. > > CRISWELL > Well then let us proceed. Crow: Let's not and say we did. > > The Princess of Darkness snaps her fingers three times, > summoning the Zombie Dance Girl. Tom: [sings] "Everybody do the zombie stomp" Mike: [as Delores O'Riordan, sings] "Zo-om-bie, Zo-om-bie" Crow: [sings] "It was a Zombie jamboree" Tom: [sings] "It's the time... of the season" Mike & Crow: Huh? Tom: Y'know, "Time of the Season"... by the _Zombies_. Get it? > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > She lived as a zombie in life, Mike: She watched a lot of MTV, huh? > so she will remain forever a > zombie in death. [Mike and the 'bots start to exit the theater.] Crow: Kind of a wimpy punishment, when you think about it. [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Strange things are afoot on the ol' SOL. Crow is dressed as Criswell, with a white-haired wig and a cape. Tom is wearing a long black dress and an Elvira wig. They are watching Gypsy, who has a cardboard cutout of Jean Stapleton's face taped to her flashlight. She flails around as the "All in the Family" theme plays in the background.] Crow: [grandly] Dance! Dance, I say! Gypsy: Oh Archie! Oh Archie! Tom: [falsetto] But, Master, the moon is almost gone. I must have time for my own pleasures! You promised! [Mike enters.] Mike: Hey, guys. What's shakin'? Crow: Who dares to disturb the all-powerful Crowswell, Sole Ruler of This Entire Room? Mike: Oh, I get it. You're re-enacting the movie. How cute. And your name is... Crowswell, right? Crow: Yes, and this is Tom... er, I mean the Princess of Darkness! Mike: Of course it is. And what exactly is Gypsy doing? Tom: [falsetto] The one you call Gypsy is doing the sacred Edith Bunker dance. She must imitate award-winning actress Jean Stapleton for all eternity. Gypsy: [sings] Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again! Mike: Fantastic. Listen, while you're doing that, I think I'm gonna see if that "Real World" marathon is still on. Have fun with your little evil ritual. Crow: Okay, see ya, Mike. [turns to Gypsy] You call that a Jean Stapleton impression? Gypsy: Sorry, Crow... uh, Crowswell. I only saw the show once or twice. [Commercial sign flashes.] Tom: Master, the ceremony must be cut short, for we have commercial sign. Crow: Then I, Crowswell, hereby declare that we shall be right back. [Planet bumper] [Commercial break #8][SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] [Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats.] Mike: I trust you enjoyed your little dress-up game. Crow: C'mon, Mike, have an iota of respect for my religion. > > The ZOMBIE DANCE GIRL dances. Tom: And if there's one group known for choreography, it's zombies. > > BOB > Easy, Shirley. Easy! Mike: Ed Wood certainly believes in recycling. He's recycled every line of dialogue in this entire script! > > The Zombie Dance concludes. Crow: [in Boris Karloff voice] But the Zombies were having fun, and the party had just begun! Mike & Tom: [sing] Tennis-shoe-wah-ooh > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > The moon sinks lower into the > hills! We must hurry to the > finish. Tom: The Princess is making a desperate plea on behalf of the audience. > > CRISWELL > I will decide the conclusion. Mike: Cris might have taken _one_ too many assertiveness courses. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > (impatiently) > You had the mummy cancel all > the others scheduled for this > session. Crow: Ah, so the Mummy is Criswell's booking agent. Tom: Do the undead really have schedules per se? > > CRISWELL > (interrupting) > Then cancel my order. Mike: [as Criswell] I've decided I do _not_ want fries with that! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > The moon is almost gone! Crow: It took its coat from the cloakroom and is fishing for its car keys as we speak. > > CRISWELL > There is yet time. Don't > you want your own pleasure? Tom: [as Princess] No, but I'd like my own room. I'm 28 years old, and I think it's high time! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > Oh, if there is only time! Mike: Or at least "Newsweek." > > CRISWELL > Hahh, there is always time... > All in good time... Crow: [as Wicked Witch] All in good time, my pretty. All in good time. > there is > always time. You shall > have your pleasure. THAT... > I decree Tom: Or double your money back if you're not delighted. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > (looking at Shirley) > All others were but infinitesimal > bits of fluff, compared to her Mike: She really copped an attitude after she was voted Homecoming Queen. > (toward the Dancer) > This one would have died for > feathers, furs, and fluff...and > so she did! Crow: She was strangled by a feather boa. > > The FLUFF DANCE Girl dances for approval. Tom: But Jamie Farr gives her the gong. > > The Fluff Dance ends. > > Criswell looks over at the Princess of Darkness. Mike: [as Criswell] I'm all out of ideas. You wanna play Hungry, Hungry Hippos or somethin'? > > CRISWELL > The time...is short. Crow: So is Linda Hunt. What are you gonna do about it? > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > For what!?! Tom: Judging from the rest of the movie, I'd say for topless dancers and endlessly-repeated dialogue. > > CRISWELL > Your pleasures of course! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > You mean...! Mike: [as Princess] ...You're finally going to let me play with your model airplane! > > CRISWELL > You may take her now. Crow: Or you can try for what's behind Door #3. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > Is there time? > > CRISWELL > You better hope there is. Tom: We're running out of film. > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > Thank you, Master! Thank > you. Mike: [as Princess] This makes up for all those centuries of neglect. > > CRISWELL > Now hurry, hurry. I will > watch! Your desires may be > my pleasure also... Crow: I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Eeeyyyywwwwwwww!" > Our fitting > climax to an evening's enter- > tainment. You must...hurry > now. Tom: I never want to hear Criswell use the word "climax" again. > > The Princess of Darkness begins ceremoniously dancing with > her long sacrificial dagger, slowly moving toward Shirley, > gazing back at Criswell seductively. Mike: [as Criswell] That's right, honey. Kill the nice lady so Daddy can get his jollies. > She finally gets to > Shirley and cuts the button off of Shirley's shirt, which > was so tight it was about to burst open anyway. Crow: Shirley's plumping up like a Ball Park frank. > She unsnaps > the front of Shirley's bra. Tom: Unfortunately, girls wore at least three layers of undergarments back then. > > Bob sees his chance and makes his attempt at a "move," merely > stepping forward. Mike: And asking the Princess of Darkness if she'd like to have coffee sometime. > He is instantly hammer-fisted on the back > of the neck by The Wolf Man, and falls down unconscious. Crow: And our hero bravely flops to the ground like a dead herring. Way to go, Bob. > > The Princess of Darkness raises her long dagger high above > Shirley's head. Tom: Here's the wind up... > But suddenly, the sun rises (it is already > high overhead), and the night creatures lose their power. Mike: Their alarm clocks will all have to be reset, of course. > The > Princess of Darkness clings to Shirley's arm, as she slowly > sinks down to the ground, losing all strength. Crow: [bored] Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. "What a world, what a world. Who would have thought a good little girl like you..." Yaddda, yadda, yadda. Can we just _end_ this movie already? > > The Camera pans around, showing Shirley and Bob's faces, then > back to the ghouls, all of whom have turned to steaming > skeletons. Tom: [chortling] Boy, Cris really needed to let off some steam, huh? Mike: [somber] I only hope I can forgive you for that some day, Tom. > Only their clothing and bones remain. Crow: But at least Criswell's cape will be wrinkle-free! Mike: ...Because of all the steam, right? Crow: [embarrassed] Yeah. Mike: Okay. I hereby declare a moratorium on steam and steam-related jokes. Agreed? Tom & Crow: [humbled] Agreed. > > Quick Zoom in on Criswell's throne. Criswell's steaming > skeleton still sits, surveying the cemetery, wearing his cape. Tom: Gee, Cris, there's no need to get ste... Mike: [interrupting] Ah ah ah, Tom. You promised. > > FADE TO BLACK > > FADE IN. Crow: Hopefully, it'll fade in on a _good_ movie. I think "On the Waterfront" might be nice. > > EXT. WOODS - MORNING > > At the clearing in the woods near the car wreck, Bob and > Shirley Crow: D'OH! It's the _same_ movie. Mike, make Bob and Shirley go away! > are lying on their backs on the ground, just as they > were after the crash, before they got up to investigate the > strange music that led them to the ghouls. Tom: Uh oh. I think the movie's going to start over again. I can only hope Bob is more effective at exploiting his core competencies the second time around. Mike: But, Tom, Bob _has_ no core competencies. He's a sack of hammers. Tom: Come to think of it, you're right! He _is_ a sack of hammers. > > There are two DOCTORS examining Bob and Shirley. Crow: [as Doctor] I'm afraid it's a lost cause. I can't detect any brain activity whatsoever. > > In the foreground, we see a REPORTER's shoulder and hands. > He is writing down details of the accident in a small paper > pad. Mike: I can see the headlines now: "2 IDIOTS LIE NEAR ROAD." > > DOCTOR #1 > Easy, Miss, everything's > gonna be alright. Tom: [as Doctor] I'll just be putting a nice, soft pillow in front of your face, and you'll drift off to sleep. > > SHIRLEY > Bob? Bob? Crow: Uecker? Denver? Newhart? Which Bob, specifically? > > DOCTOR #1 > He's right here beside you. > He'll be alright too. Mike: So there _isn't_ a God after all. Tom: I guess not. > > The reporter walks around and crouches beside Shirley and > DOCTOR #1, and continues writing in his pad. Crow: [as reporter, writing] "Girl is hot... seems to want me... Boyfriend is... sack of... hammers." > > A Newspaper PHOTOGRAPHER crouches in the foreground to get a > shot of the accident scene and victims. Mike: It's not enough for the paparazzi to bother famous people. Now, they're stalking the obscure. > > SHIRLEY > Where are they, where did > they go? Tom: They went for FAYYYYYYYYYYYGO! > They tried to kill > me. Crow: Which in her case would be justifiable homicide. > > DOCTOR #2 > What's this you say? Who > was going to kill you? Mike: [as Shirley] The Sole Ruler of the Dark World and the Princess of Darkness, of course. Oh, and the Mummy and the Wolf Man, too. Why is this so hard for you to believe? > > SHIRLEY > The ghouls--they all turned > into skeletons. Tom: They must've been on the OptiFast diet. > > DOCTOR #2 > Take it easy, Miss. Crow: I don't think she could _be_ any easier, Doc. > > DOCTOR #1 > What she needs is a good > rest. Mike: Plus a new boyfriend and maybe some acting lessons. > > SHIRLEY > It's true, I tell you, it's > true! Tom: [as Shirley] Trust me. I'm not smart enough to make this up! > They all turned into > skeletons. She-she cut me > here. Crow: Aw, geez, don't ya hate it when people show you their scars? > > Shirley points to her abdomen where The Princess of Darkness > had made the X with her fingernail. Mike: All this proves is that you had your appendix removed. > > NURSE crouches down and pulls out a length of medical tape, > then hands it to the doctor. Tom: More gauze... A little more gauze... Just a little more gauze... > She cuts another piece of > tape, but the Doctors don't realize this and leave her > hanging... Crow: [as nurse] Oh, don't mind me! Just leave me standing here, holding this tape like an idiot! > > DOCTOR #1 > Probably was bruised in the > crash. Mike: Thank God her silicon implants acted like tiny airbags. > > DOCTOR #2 > You know, you two were very > lucky. Tom: Your parts could've been played by life-size Barbie and Ken dolls. > > SHIRLEY > I love you Bob. I really do. > Forgive me? Crow: I thought love meant never having say you're sorry. I guess I was wrong. > > BOB > There's nothing to forgive. > It was all a dream. Mike: "It was all a dream." Now, THERE's something original. > > SHIRLEY > You love me then? Tom: In the way a nephew loves an aunt, sure. > > BOB > Of course I do. Crow: With the heat these two generate, you toast a small English muffin. Well, _half_ of one anyway. > > The doctors put Shirley onto a stretcher while the photographer > takes more pictures. They put her into the back of an > ambulance. Mike: [as Doctor #1] Good thing she was wearing that crash helmet. Tom: [as Doctor #2] Uh, that's her hair. Mike: [as Doctor #1] Oh, I forgot it was the 1960s. > > Then after the doctor listens to Bob's neck with a stethoscope, > Bob just gets up and walks into the back of the ambulance. Crow: Mein Fuhrer, I can walk... at a moderate pace! [Planet bumper] [Commercial break #9][SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] > > CRISWELL (VO) > As it is with all the Night > People, Tom: They watch too many Don Lapree infomercials. > they are destroyed > by the first rays of the sun. Mike: So they're Irish...? > But upon the first appearance > of the deep shadows of the > night, Crow: The mosquitoes come out like crazy. > and when the moon is > full, they will return, to > rejoice... All: Nooooo! > in their evil lust, > and take back with them any > mortal who might happen along. Tom: Be it Warren Christopher or Carrot Top. > CUT TO: > > INT. MAUSOLEUM, MORNING. > > Criswell is back in his coffin, sitting upright. Mike: Upright? I think that counts as a special effect. > > CRISWELL > Yes, they were lucky, those two > young people...May you be so > lucky... Crow: [as Criswell] They got to spend an entire evening with me! > But do not trust to > luck, at the full of the moon, > when the night is dark... Tom: Take along some pepper spray. > Make > a wide path around the unholy > grounds... Mike: ...of Disneyland. > of the Night People. > Who can say that we do not > exist-Can you? All: A resounding YES! > > But now, we return to our > graves, and you > (pointing at audience) Crow: [as Criswell] Can kiss my butt. > may join us soon! Tom: Uh, thanks for the offer, Cris, but I really wouldn't want to impose on you. By the way, when does the "orgy" of the title actually start? > > Criswell reclines back into his coffin, crossing his arms, and > returning to the slumber of the undead. Mike: And the moral of the story is -- AVOID THE ELDERLY! > > THE END. Crow: The two sweetest words in the English language. > > > Tom: Hmmm... that's odd. It said "The End," but the script doesn't seem to be ending. Mike: Y'know, that _is_ odd. Let me just check the "Orgy of the Dead Owner's Manual" and see what the problem is. [Mike reaches underneath his chair and picks up a small booklet.] Mike: [flips through the book] Ah! Here's the troubleshooting guide. "Script is entirely in Belgian." Nope. "Script is in English but contains no punctuation." That's not it either. [finds what he's looking for] Aha! Here it is... "Script does not end after the words 'The End' appear." That sounds like our problem. Crow: What does it say? Mike: It says: "Whoever transcribed the script decided to prolong the agony by including an unnecessary appendix." So that's what it was! [A few seconds as this sinks in. Then...] All: [horrified] APPENDIX?!? AARRRGGHHH! > > =============================================== > APENDIX: Tom: [whining] But I thought the movie had its appendix removed! > > DANCES IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE IN THE FILM: Crow: I hear that was the working title for "Dances With Wolves." It wouldn't really fit on a marquee, though. > > 1. Indian Dance...............BUNNY GLASER (Fire) Mike: I could really go for a glazed bunny right about now. > 2. Street Walker Dance.......COLEEN O'BRIEN Tom: [sings] Coleen, you don't have to put on the red light > 3. Gold Girl Dance...........PAT BARRINGER (Also Shirley) Crow: Her performance was enough to put you right off your gold standard. > 4. Cat Dance...................TEXAS STARR Mike: I thought Texas Starr lent a quiet dignity to her role. In fact, the whole _movie_ had an unusually quiet dignity. > 5. Slave Dance..............NADEJDA DOBREV Tom: See, Mike? I _told_ you it wasn't a typographical error. NADEJDA DOBREV is somebody's real name. > 6. Mexican Dance...........STEPHANIE JONES (Skulls) Crow: [British accent] I'd like to introduce "Legs" Larry Smith on drums, Neil Innes on piano, and Stephanie Jones on skulls. > 7. Hawaiian Dance.............MICKEY JINES (Snakes) Mike: Oh, Mickey, you're so Jines! You're so Jines you blow my mind Hey Mickey! > 8. Skeleton Dance...........BARBARA NORDIN (Murdered husband, > wedding night) Tom: She was acquitted on the "It's a woman thing" defense. > 9. Zombie Dance...............DENE STARNES Crow: Oh, so she played the lumbering, dead-eyed creature in the movie. Mike: Uh, no, that was William Bates playing Bob! > 10. Fluff Dance................RENE DE BEAU Tom: Rene later went on to fame as Hello Kitty. > =============================================== > Mike: I'm glad it's over and everything, but in a weird way I'm gonna miss the Mummy and the Wolf Man. Crow: I know what you mean, Mike. There was something loveable about those two. Maybe it was the fact that they weren't Criswell. Mike: Yeah, that's probably what it was. > > Transcribed by Jake Royal Tom: Oh, Jake, you poor, misguided creature. [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [The lights are dimmed on the bridge. Tom Servo wears a labcoat and glasses and stands in front of a small movie screen upon which a slide is projected. The slide says: "NADEJDA DOBREV." Crow stares in rapt attention. Gypsy's in the "audience," too. Mike enters.] Tom: Oh good, Mike, you decided to show up for my symposium! Mike: Uh, what symposium? Tom: My "NADEJDA DOBREV" symposium, silly boy! After years of expensive research, the Servo Foundation For Dobrevian Studies is finally ready to disclose its findings about this bizarre moniker. Mike: Sounds great, but I think I can still catch the tail end of that marathon. [Mike tries to exit, but Crow blocks his path.] Crow: Humor him, Mike, or his feelings will be hurt. Tom: Crow's right, Mike. I'm an emotional timebomb. Hurt me now, and I'll spend two weeks moping around in my underwear and listening to Charlie Rich albums. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? Mike: [defeated] I guess not. Tom: Good! Well, then, looking out into the crowd, I see a number of familiar faces. It's good to see so many young people who are still interested in the quickly dying field of Dobrevian research. Most experts consider NADEJDA DOBREV to be an anagram, a phrase created from the juxtaposition of the letters from another phrase. What that other phrase might be, we cannot say for certain. However, we now present a few possibilities... [As Servo reads each of these phrases, the slide on the screen changes. Each of the ridiculous anagrams is projected onto the screen for a few seconds.] Tom: "RED DEAD VAN JOB" [slide changes] "DAVE BORN JADED" [slide changes] "ADD NO JADE VERB" [slide changes] "BAD REV. JON DEAD" [slide changes] And of course... "EVADE BJORN, DAD" [The next slide is of a large dollar sign.] Tom: Our conclusion is that we desperately need more money for research before we make any _real_ conclusions. [The next slide is of the Chubb Logo.] Magic Voice: This symposium was brought to you by a generous donation from the Chubb Group. [Slide changes to a photo of Mike asleep on a couch, covered with potato chip crumbs.] Magic Voice: And an incredibly generous donation from the Mike Nelson Institute. [Lights go back on. Slide projector is turned off.] Tom: And there you have it. Questions, anyone? Gypsy: Uh, Tom, will there be refreshments served at this symposium? I was told that there would be S'mores and Hi-C. Tom: Those reports were issued before we knew how expensive this project was going to be. There was no room in our budget left for snacks. Next question! Uh... you there, in the jumpsuit. Mike: Yes, I have a question. A couple of them, actually. First, how much did this project cost, and how generous _was_ my donation? Tom: Let's just put it this way? Y'know how you like those "Double Stuf" Oreos? Mike: Uh-huh. Tom: Well, it might be wise to just get the _regular_ Oreos for the next few fiscal years, because your donation was almost _insanely_ generous. Mike: I see. [Mads sign flashes.] Mike: Looks like Katrina and the Waves are calling. [Mike hits the button.] Mike: Mrs. Forrester? Hello? [MUNCHKIN CITY - MAIN SQUARE] [Pearl, Bobo, Ortega, and Observer are tied together in a big black kettle full of boiling water. A Munchkin wearing a chef's hat and apron is adding seasonings. The other Munchkins are gathered around, licking their respective chops. Observer still has his brain bowl.] Pearl: [despondent] Oh, hello, Mike. I won't lie to you. Things... have deteriorated. As you can see, the Munchkins have decided not to be lenient in their punishment. What a way to go, huh? Who'd have guessed I would wind up as an entree for height- challenged vigilantes? [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] Tom: [to Crow and Mike] Okay, guys, pay up. A bet is a bet. You heard what she said. I win! Mike: Dang! I thought "lynched by girl scouts" was a cinch to win! Crow: I had my money on "Dexatrim overdose." [MUNCHKIN CITY - MAIN SQUARE] Bobo: [to the Munchkin chef] Uh, pardon me. I don't mean to be a buttinsky, but I think you're overdoing it on the garlic salt. Observer: For what it's worth, I think I would be scrumptious served with pesto sauce. Ortega: uhhhnNNNNNNgggghhh! Pearl: Is this the end of Pearl Forrester? Oh, what I wouldn't do to get out of this godforsaken hellhole called Oz. [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Mike, for some reason, is now wearing a pink dress, a red wig, and a crown. He speaks in a sqeaky, effeminate British accent.] Mike: [falsetto] But, Mrs. Forrester, you've _always_ had the power to leave Oz. You just had to figure that out for yourself. [MUNCHKIN CITY - MAIN SQUARE] Pearl: [she's seen the light] Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Brain Guy! Observer: Yes...? Pearl: Get us out of here! Observer: [causally] As you wish. [We hear the Brain Guy noise, and in an instant the foursome have disappeared. The Munchkins look around, confused.] A Munchkin: So... anyone up for Chinese food? [Roll closing theme song and credits]based on the series created by JOEL HODGSONproduced, written, and directed by JOE BLEVINSfeaturing crow BILL CORBETT gypsy PATRICK BRANTSEG mike nelson MICHAEL J. NELSON servo KEVIN MURPHY also featuring _ _ _ _ _ _________ ((\\\\|////)) ___ //-_-_-_-\\ ((\\\\\|/////)) ( ) /// \\\ \\\\\\\ /////// ( ) _ _ //| |\\ /// V \\\ , _)_)_)_)_) /// \\\ ///| \== ==/ |\\\ / / \ {{{ ____ ____ }}} ((((\__@_ _@___/)))) ( ( ___ ___| ||| ((@\| /@)) ||| ////|\___/-\___/|\\\\ \/ /'o) /'o)| ||| | ||| /////| (m) |\\\\\ [s| _\ ) |||\ (~ ~) /||| (||||||| /_'_\ |||||||)__ |\ /<> / /||| |||\ (|||||||\_ \_/ _/|||||||) \ _|_\_______/_ ///|| <---> ||\\\ \\\\\\\\\___////////// |||||_______||||///|||\__ __/|||\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ ////////// | o| ////|| _| '---' |_ ||\\\\ \/\/\/\/ \/\/\/\/ o| ///////| \__o8o__/ ||\\\\\\ professor bobo pearl forrester observer KEVIN MURPHY MARY JO PEHL BILL CORBETT and ortega PAUL CHAPLIN magic voice BETH "BEEZ" McKEEVER vic the nanite KEVIN MURPHY criswell PAUL CHAPLIN ascii art of crow created by LISA JENKINS ascii art of tom servo created by BRIAN HEIL all other ascii art created by JOE BLEVINS If anyone's interested, here's the recipe for Velvet Crumb Cake, which I've actually never tried... CROW'S FAMOUS VELVET CRUMB CAKE (Criswell approved!) Prep time: 18 minutes, Bake time: 38 minutes * 1.5 cups of Bisquick * Half a cup of milk or water * Half a cup of sugar * 2 tablespoons of shortening * 1 egg * 1 teaspoon of vanilla * Broiled topping (below) HEAT oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour 8" square or 9" round pan. Beat all ingredients except topping in large bowl on low speed 30 sec, scraping bowl constantly. BEAT on medium 4 min, scraping bowl occasionally. Pour into pan. BAKE 30 to 35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean; cool slightly. Spread topping over cake. Set oven control to broil. Broil about 3" from heat about 3 min or until golden brown. 8 Servings. Broiled Topping: Mix half cup flaked coconut, half cup packed brown sugar, quarter cup chopped nuts, 3 tablespoons margarine or butter, softened, and 2 tablespoons of milk. ----------------------------------------------------------- D I S C L A I M E R ----------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters and situations are the property and trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. Copyright (c) 1998 Joe Blevins > BOB > Your puritan upbringing holds > you back from my monsters, but > it certainly doesn't hurt your > art of kissing. <TWAAAANNNNGGGG!> Produced without the knowledge of the Sci-Fi Channel. [The show is immediately followed by an "Irwin Allen Memories" spot in which Skip McAvoy, a stagehand on "Lost in Space," fondly recalls the time in which he was kicked in the crotch by Billy Mumy.]