|Our former nemesis, now zombified.|
The headlines today have been dominated by the death of notorious terrorist Osama bin Laden. In what must be considered a journalistic coup for Dead 2 Rights, I have wrangled an interview with the deceased al-Qaida leader as he begins his new "life" as one of the living impaired.
WK: So... big day, huh?
OBL: I'll say.
How do you feel?
Weird. Tired from the move, mainly.
I'll bet. Are you surprised not to find yourself in paradise with 72 dark-eyed virgins?
Honestly? No. Death clarified a lot of issues for me, like, instantaneously. It's like the picture had been all blurry and then suddenly came into focus. Namely, I realized that the living version of Osama bin Laden was a complete shitheel. I don't know what I was thinking, to tell you the truth. Wow. I was way, way off. I realize that's not much consolation, but there you are.
So I take it you won't resume your old ways as a quote-unquote "zombie"?
Me? No. I have a ton of atoning to do, so I'd better get started. I'm thinking of changing my name, disguising my appearance, and joining Greenpeace.
Classy. Do you mind discussing your recent demise?
Not at all.
Well, the paper said you died in a "firefight" in a "mansion." That sounds a lot like Al Pacino in Scarface.
You sound tentative.
I don't know what that is, the thing you're referring to.
You've never seen the movie Scarface?
I was a terrorist, kid. We didn't keep up with movies. We were too busy... you know, terrorizing.
Bummer. If only you'd had Netflix, maybe everything would have been different.
Tell me about it.
Will you be catching up on what you missed?
No. Like I said, I've got plenty to atone for, and that's how I'm going to spend my time. From here on out, it's nothing but peace, love, and charity for me.
That's... uh, refreshing I guess. Tell me, of all the media outlets in the world, why did you choose to speak to me?
Don't take this the wrong way, kid, but I wanted to keep a low profile and I've seen your readership numbers. There's literally no lower media profile than this blog.
Oh. I don't know how to respond to that, so I guess we'll wrap this up.
Do you validate parking?
Not for you. Sorry.
No. I totally understand.