Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Are YOU in a "zombie" relationship? 5 ways to know for sure!

This relationship has obviously sunk. See what I did there? Oh, the fun never stops on this blog!

Hello out there, lovelorn readers!

Over the years, we living impaired have often served an allegorical purpose in society. Simply put, people like to use zombies to "represent" various ideas. We're walking, groaning, brain-eating metaphors for a lot of writers. In the hands of someone like George Romero, for instance, we can represent any troubling social or political trend which happens to be bothering him at the time. Personally, I don't mind this at all. Given a choice between being a metaphor and being a target, I'll choose metaphor every time.

It is in that spirit that I present the following list. Readers, take an honest inventory of your current relationship with your spouse or significant other. Is it thriving and healthy or is it shambling along in a mindless state, devouring all it its path in a wanton orgy of bloodlust? Read these following tell-tale signs to see if you're in a "zombie" relationship.

1. Verbal cues 

What sorts of things does your partner typically say to you? If your answer was along the lines of "I love you" or  "please pass the salt," you have nothing to fear as you are in a healthy relationship. However, if your answer was more like "The very sight of you makes my flesh crawl!" or "One step further and I'll shoot!" you clearly have a problem.

2. Body language

Does your partner still like to hold your hand? Do you enjoy snuggling up close to each other on the couch? If so, these are healthy signs. On the other hand, if your partner frequently vomits in your presence or cowers in a corner the moment you enter a room, this could be a point of concern. Another troubling sign is running. Naturally, jogging is a great way to stay in shape, but if your boyfriend or girlfriend runs away from you at speeds approaching those of Jesse Owens at the 1936 games, your relationship may well be headed for rocky times.

Like this one!
3. Use of technology

How often does your lover send you e-mails or text messages? Several times daily? Good! However, if your significant other has recently deleted all his or her social media accounts, stopped answering e-mails, and disposed of all cell phones and computers in an industrial-strength trash compactor -- and has done so without telling you -- this may be an indication of potential strife.

4. Weaponry

Does your significant other have a sizable arsenal containing various weapons, like guns, knives, swords, throwing stars, and crossbows? If so, this is not necessarily cause for alarm. Your partner may be merely a hobbyist with a strong interest in these fearsome objects. However, if he/she will not discuss this arsenal with you -- and yet uses you for target practice anyway -- it may be time to move on.

5. Separate checks please...

It's important for couples to spend time with each other, but "togetherness" has its limits. Many successful couples find it healthy to engage in activities apart from one another. Some very contented partners even prefer sleeping in separate beds or taking separate vacations. But if your spouse or significant other insists on separate continents, separate hemispheres, or separate tectonic plates, you may want to reconsider your relationship.

Readers, I urge you to study these signs carefully and think about them in terms of your own life. Does this sound like you? If so, perhaps there is a relationship in your life which needs a blast of buckshot right between the eyebrows. You can thank me later.

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