Are YOU in a "zombie" relationship? 5 ways to know for sure!

This relationship has obviously sunk. See what I did there? Oh, the fun never stops on this blog!

Hello out there, lovelorn readers!

Over the years, we living impaired have often served an allegorical purpose in society. Simply put, people like to use zombies to "represent" various ideas. We're walking, groaning, brain-eating metaphors for a lot of writers. In the hands of someone like George Romero, for instance, we can represent any troubling social or political trend which happens to be bothering him at the time. Personally, I don't mind this at all. Given a choice between being a metaphor and being a target, I'll choose metaphor every time.

It is in that spirit that I present the following list. Readers, take an honest inventory of your current relationship with your spouse or significant other. Is it thriving and healthy or is it shambling along in a mindless state, devouring all it its path in a wanton orgy of bloodlust? Read these following tell-tale signs to see if you're in a "zombie" relationship.

1. Verbal cues 

What sorts of things does your partner typically say to you? If your answer was along the lines of "I love you" or  "please pass the salt," you have nothing to fear as you are in a healthy relationship. However, if your answer was more like "The very sight of you makes my flesh crawl!" or "One step further and I'll shoot!" you clearly have a problem.

2. Body language

Does your partner still like to hold your hand? Do you enjoy snuggling up close to each other on the couch? If so, these are healthy signs. On the other hand, if your partner frequently vomits in your presence or cowers in a corner the moment you enter a room, this could be a point of concern. Another troubling sign is running. Naturally, jogging is a great way to stay in shape, but if your boyfriend or girlfriend runs away from you at speeds approaching those of Jesse Owens at the 1936 games, your relationship may well be headed for rocky times.

Like this one!

3. Use of technology

How often does your lover send you e-mails or text messages? Several times daily? Good! However, if your significant other has recently deleted all his or her social media accounts, stopped answering e-mails, and disposed of all cell phones and computers in an industrial-strength trash compactor -- and has done so without telling you -- this may be an indication of potential strife.

4. Weaponry

Does your significant other have a sizable arsenal containing various weapons, like guns, knives, swords, throwing stars, and crossbows? If so, this is not necessarily cause for alarm. Your partner may be merely a hobbyist with a strong interest in these fearsome objects. However, if he/she will not discuss this arsenal with you -- and yet uses you for target practice anyway -- it may be time to move on.

5. Separate checks please...

It's important for couples to spend time with each other, but "togetherness" has its limits. Many successful couples find it healthy to engage in activities apart from one another. Some very contented partners even prefer sleeping in separate beds or taking separate vacations. But if your spouse or significant other insists on separate continents, separate hemispheres, or separate tectonic plates, you may want to reconsider your relationship.

Readers, I urge you to study these signs carefully and think about them in terms of your own life. Does this sound like you? If so, perhaps there is a relationship in your life which needs a blast of buckshot right between the eyebrows. You can thank me later.

Social Media Vs. Zombies!

I found this interesting chart on the BuzzFeed website.

While I can't speak for social media addicts, I can and will speak for the living impaired when it comes to the accuracy of these statements.

1. They never sleep.

False. We sleep. In fact, I'm about to nod off right now. In fact, I sleep a good 10-15 hours a day on average, probably more. It's no coincidence that death is sometimes called "the big dirt nap."

2. They're focused on one thing, and it's hard to distract them.

False. The living impaired, especially those who have very recently "returned," are easy to distract. Try it yourself sometime. If you are ever cornered by a "zombie," try jangling your keys. Or if there is a tennis ball nearby, pick it up and show it to the zombie while saying something like, "See the ball? See the ball?" Then throw it and see what happens.

3. They come in groups.

Often, though not always, true. Naturally, I'm a team-builder and group-leader type of guy. But there are zombie loners. Whatever your personality was like in life, that's basically what it'll be in death.

4. They lose body parts in the process.

Regrettably true, as I know from first-hand experience. Things do fall off. But science is making wonderful strides in the area of lifelike prostheses... which I'd be happy to demonstrate in person, ladies.

5. Hygiene is last on the list.

Absolutely false. Now, this is where I start to lose patience with the "lame-stream" media and its horribly inaccurate depiction of the living impaired. The media loves to portray us as being filthy and unsanitary, but this is simply not the case.... which I'd be happy to demonstrate in person, ladies.

Things that aren't completely awful, despite what everyone says.

Pat Boone, a singer who has inspired hatred and ridicule -- only some of which is deserved.

Even after three years of doing Mail Order Zombie and two years of doing this blog, I realize that the living impaired still have a major image problem. People think of us as ravenous, brain-eating monsters and just want to shoot us right smack dab in the forehead. Now, that's being a little unfair, isn't it? Do we occasionally eat people's brains? Of course. But this does not negate our positive qualities, of which there are many. We can be creative, generous, witty, and lots of other positive adjectives, but you rarely hear about these. The public has made up its mind, apparently.

Well, I think that stinks (if you'll pardon my French). Zombies are not alone, however, in being unfairly maligned. That's why I've decided to use this post as a tribute to....

THINGS THAT AREN'T COMPLETELY AWFUL, DESPITE WHAT EVERYONE SAYS!

Let's start off with an easy one.

In honor of Lucille Ball's 100th birthday, here's a zombified "I Love Lucy" poster

This marvelous bit of fan art was done by Chuck Hodi whose personal website is right here.

The Best of the Non-Existent "Scumbag Zombie" Meme!

What up, perpetrators?

Now that the infamous Scumbag Steve meme has mutated into such variants as Scumbag College and Scumbag Uncle Sam, I thought it was high time for a zombie take on the whole "scumbag" thing.

Behold.... SCUMBAG ZOMBIE!

Now, as much as I want to improve the image of the living impaired, it's important to point out that some in the LI community are not always as honest and ethical as they could be. It is those few "bad apples" I am satirizing with this meme. Enjoy.

Hope you enjoyed these. If not, you're racist against zombies. Congratulations!

In response to critics, WAYNE KOTKE releases his own death certificate!

The time has come to answer my critics, the so-called "deathers" who demand to see my death certificate. This ridiculous controversy has dogged the Living Impaired rights movement for too long. I invite you to examine the certificate for yourself. Feel free to CLICK on it for a closer view.

I thank you.

WAYNE KOTKE
President, Spokesman, and Founder of Dead 2 Rights

HAPPY ZOMBIE PRESIDENTS DAY, EVERYBODY!

sources: Inside My Mind and Flickr

Happy Zombie Presidents Day to all our living-impaired Leaders of the Free World. As a way of celebrating, here are a couple of zombie-themed clips dedicated to George and Abe. Enjoy, do.

So now the living impaired are being used to sell Starburst...

And is that zombie played by the same guy who's Gabe on The Office? Sure looks like it.

UDPATE: It's not on his IMDb page, but that is indeed Zach Woods from The Office playing the "sarcastic zombie." Read all about it.

New Comics Feature... ZOMBY!!!

Hello once again, true believers!

Even after two years plus of appearing on the Mail Order Zombie podcast, I realize that the Living Impaired still have plenty of image problems. I sat down to think about how to solve this problem, when suddenly the answer came to me...

A lovable, cuddly living impaired cartoon character!

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce ZOMBY! He may remind you of another Z-named comic character, but this one happens to be living impaired. Through the misadventures of little Zomby, you'll see the various heartaches, frustrations, and disappointments my people deal with on a day to day basis.

Here are a few samples:

So what did you think? Lovable, right? Adorable, right? I'm picturing a whole line of "Zomby" merchandise -- greeting cards, calendars, plush toys. Besides raising awareness of the plight of the living impaired, this little guy could be a cash cow.

Cha-ching!

The Living Impaired & Hipsters: How to Tell the Difference!

Hipster Wayne Kotke

Hi- ho, true believers! It's your old pal, Wayne, again... and this time I'm here to deliver an important social message that will actually help you in your daily life! In your adventures on the Internet, you have probably heard stories, legends, and fables about a mysterious beast known as The Hipster. What you may not know is that these odd creatures really do exist, especially in urban areas. I work in the great metropolis of Chicago, and I see these inviduals all the time. At first, their appearance, behavior, and mode of dress is baffling and upsetting, but eventually you get used to them. Hipsters are part of the great mosaic of life to be found in the city. As you can see, I am so fond of them that I have drawn this little self-portrait I call "Hipster Wayne."

But here, unfortunately, is where it gets confusing. The Living Impaired and Hipsters actually have several traits in common, and you members of the general public may have trouble telling us apart. And that's just where it pays to have a buddy like me who can spell it all out for you.

Let's start with the traits that Hipsters and the Living Impaired have in common:

• Dark circles around the eyes
• Either pale or grayish skin tone
• Scrawny physique
• Tendency to move slowly and awkwardly

Yes, the confusion is easy to understand! UNLESS you know the traits specific to hipsters:

• Sullen demeanor
• Fondness for skinny jeans and ironic t-shirts
• Terrible, depressing music leaking from headphones
• Cigarette dangling lethargically from mouth
• Chuck Taylors

Remember this simple list, and you'll never confuse Hipsters and the Living Impaired ever again. Til next time, this has been your friend and benefactor, Wayne Kotke.

Have YOU caught "Dougie" fever yet?

Hello once again, my precious readers.

This summer, your humble blogger Wayne Kotke has come down with an illness of sorts. Yes, like millions of others, I have come down with a bad case of "DOUGIE" FEVER!

What's that, you say? You haven't caught on to the "Dougie" trend yet? Your ears have yet to be graced by the Cali Swag District and their unstoppable hit, "Teach Me How to Dougie"? Well, let's fix that right now. (WARNING: Some NSFW language.)



(If you insist on hearing the "clean" version, here it is. If you watch the "official" video, keep an eye out for the height-challenged young lady who looks like a Mini-Me version of Sweet Dee from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If there's any justice in this world, that mysterious woman will play Smurfette in the upcoming Smurfs movie.)

By now, you can probably see and hear exactly why I'm so excited about this song and the dance it promotes. The "Dougie" seems like the first big dance geared especially for the Living Impaired since Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. As far as I can tell, you need no particular skill, coordination, talent, or rhythm to do the "Dougie." I don't even think you need to move your feet at all.

So let's jump on the "Dougie" bandwagon, everybody! A great way to get started is to visit the official Teach Me How To Dougie website which contains this handy explanatory comic.

Now get out there and "Dougie" already!

Playing the so-called "redneck" card (and why I plan to keep on doing it)

The so-called "redneck card"

Hello once again, my dear readers and cherished friends:

On the last episode of Mail Order Zombie, a listener claimed to be offended by my use of the term "redneck" and accused me of "spreading propaganda" each week on the show.

Let me answer the second charge first. A propagandist? Moi? Don't make me laugh! I'm giving a three-minute editorial at the end of a podcast each week. That's hardly propaganda. On the other hand, I'd say that decades upon decades of so-called "zombie" movies, comics, novels, and video games are much more suited to being called propaganda, insomuch as they've been used to poison people's minds with incorrect information about the living impaired. This charge is baseless. I plead not guilty and fully expect an acquittal.

But now, let's deal with a thornier issue: my repeated use of the word "redneck" to describe the people who routinely hunt the living impaired for sport. Before we rush to judgment, let's examine this term and see what it really means. First, it should be obvious that "redneck" does not necessarily refer to Southerners. I am originally from Michigan, and I can tell you that my home state is crawling with rednecks. Hell, my own family tree is crawling with rednecks! (More about them later.)

George Romero's "dead" films frequently feature those I would call "rednecks," and they're set in Pennsylvania, for pete's sake! Let's take a look at some of these folks in action:



In short, rednecks are everywhere! (NOTE: The comedian and actor David Cross, a Georgia native, has a good bit about this on his album, Shut Up, You Fucking Baby!)

So if I don't use "rednecks" to mean Southerners, do I use it to mean lower-income, poorly-educated white people? Absolutely not. Most of the "rednecks" I know are not poor! Many of them certainly have more money and socioeconomic clout than I do, that's for damned sure! Look at all the products which are directly marketed to rednecks! If you haven't been to a Wal-Mart lately, just go in and look around to see what I'm talking about. The existence of all this crap leads me to one conclusion: rednecks have money! Guns cost money. Ugly hats cost money. Terrible comedy albums cost money. You think they're giving lawn ornaments away? No, sir! I know I can't afford that junk, even if I wanted it.

If rednecks aren't defined by money or by location, then who are they? To me, "redneck" is a mentality. It's a state of mind, a chosen lifestyle. To be a redneck is to embrace everything that is tacky and puerile and to turn a blind eye to knowledge, truth, beauty, and progress. I know it well because I've been running from it all my life: figuratively during my "living" years and now often literally as an LI. You see, as I said earlier, my family is full of rednecks. To attend a Kotke Family Reunion is to see a Larry the Cable Guy routine come to life. But early in my life, I made a vow to myself that I was not going to live like that. No, I was not going to have the police break up a domestic disturbance on my front lawn. No, I was not going to lose a foot to diabetes. (I ended up losing an arm, but that couldn't be helped.) No, I was not going to limit my reading to "Bazooka Joe" comics. In short: NO, I WAS NOT GOING TO BE A REDNECK!

So that's why I use the term and will continue to use it. Thank you for reading this rant.

Living With The Living: Some Advice From the Waynemeister

NOTE: This post is strictly for my living impaired brethren and sisteren (cistern?) out there. You living people can take it outside.

The living. We deal with them on a daily basis -- on the job, in the streets, in our homes and churches. Kotketology teaches that we should try to love the living and get along with them, but I do admit that they sure can make it hard to do. If they're not screaming in terror and falling all over themselves to get away from us, they're aiming their guns right between our eyebrows. Am I right?

Can I get an Amen?

But Dr. Kotke is in, and I've got the prescription for you, pilgrims. Follow these simple steps, and dealing with the living can be (mostly) a breeze. I plan to use this blog to give you LI-ers out there some handy advice that you can apply to your day-to-day afterlives. Today's lesson is very simple.

When in Rome, do as the Romans.

This is basic enough. Want to avoid getting shot? Then try your best to blend in with the living people all around you. That means: act like the living, dress like the living, talk like the living, walk like the living, etc. I know we've been taught since childhood to be true to ourselves, but when you're living impaired, "being yourself" might cost you your second life. And in this video game, there are no replays.

What does this mean for you? No shambling. And don't walk with your arms outstretched like you're waiting for your nail polish to dry. That is -- forgive the expression -- a dead giveaway. In short, follow the sage advice of Mr. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Walk like a man!

Some Straight Talk About the Brain Patch

Have a gummi, why don't you?

Hello, my dear friends, both living and non! On the Mail Order Zombie podcast and indeed on this very blog, you have heard me speaking passionately and at length about The Brain Patch, a simple adhesive patch which -- when affixed to the upper arm -- curbs the strong craving for human brains often experienced by the Living Impaired. Certainly, with any breakthrough of modern science of this magnitude, there will be questions and concerns. And that, my fellow patriots, is what this post is all about. I, Wayne Kotke, will answer some possible questions about the Brain Patch. (And thanks again to Chris Toohey for the illustration.) Anyway, on with the questions!

Q: Does the Brain Patch have any side effects?

A: Yes, but they are mild. Wearers of the patch may experience strange cravings for such foods as gummi bears, Funyans, Red Vines, Lemonheads, Rainbow Nerds, Cheez-Its, Nutty Buddies, Choco Tacos, Mallomars, Bit O'Honeys, Sugar Daddies, Ho-Hos, Combos, Sour Patch Kids, Smarties, Sweet Tarts, Pep-O-Mint Life Savers, York Peppermint Patties, Crackle bars, and Atomic Warheads.

Q: Any more side effects?

A: Well, the patch caused me to develop a keen interest in playing Tetris for days at a time, but that's just me. Other users may find themselves more interested in, say, Pitfall or Dig Dug.

Q: Seriously, are there any more side effects?

A: My, aren't we nosey today? Well, if you must know, Little Miss Peskypants, it seems that wearers of the Brain Patch have experienced some motivational deficiencies. While the LI have no nutritional need for human brains, it seems that the instinct to eat brains was an important psychological drive for us. Put simply, the purely imaginary "need' for brains was apparently what was keeping us going all this time. It was like the "magic feather" in Dumbo. Without our magic feather, we wind up playing Tetris and scarfing down gummi bears. But like Disney's large-eared elephant, we the Living Impaired must learn that we can "fly," so to speak, without our "magic feather," i.e. human brains. So that's our next big challenge.

Q: What happens if a living person wears the Brain Patch?

A: Bad stuff. Bad, bad stuff. Don't try it. Seriously, don't.

The Brain Patch: Miracle of Modern Science!

The Brain Patch!

Hello once again, kots and koshkas!

You regular listeners-in have already heard me jabbering at length about THE BRAIN PATCH, the miracle of modern science which will, I hope, finally allow the Living Impaired to live in peace and harmony with the living by curbing our oh-so-inconvenient cravings for human brains. A simple, unobtrusive patch worn on the upper arm, the Brain Patch allows the wearer to go about his or her daily business without feeling even the slightest desire to crack open a victim's skull and feast on the grey matter within.

Neat, right?

I thought so, too, and now -- thanks to Chris Toohey -- we finally have a photograph of a model (not me) wearing a prototype of the Brain Patch. Thanks, Chris!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

An invitation from me to you.

Welcome back to the fabulous, exciting, and (potentially) nutritious Dead 2 Rights blog! This is my second installment, and I hope to avoid that infamous sophomore jinx. I can't promise a new entry every day (or even every week), but I'll try to keep adding new content on a semi-regular basis. So keep checking in, won't you? Thank you!

I'm sending this missive out to you, the dear readers, on that most sacred of holidays -- Halloween, an observance which is rapidly becoming the new Christmas. As I said yesterday, this is the one day a year when my people, the Living Impaired, can go out in public and not wind up with a bullet in the frontal lobe. God rest ye, merry post-lifers, let nothing you dismay! This is a perfect day to get out there and do all those things you wish you could do the other 364 days of the year: comparison shop for kayaks, try on slacks at Sears, or simply enjoy a delicious meal at a family-style restaurant. It's all good! No need to dig through the dumpsters in the parking lot behind Taco Bell! Go right up to the front door, stride (or shamble) up to the counter, and give your order with confidence! I promise you, your Cinnamon Crispas will taste sweeter than ever before! You've earned it, LI-ers!

Greetings on All Hallows Eve... eve

Portrait of your blogger.

Hello, dear readers.

This is an exciting occasion indeed, for this is the first blog post by yours truly, Wayne Kotke, president, spokesman, and founder of Dead 2 Rights, an organization fighting for the rights of the living impaired. If you are a regular listener of the Mail Order Zombie podcast (and, really, why wouldn't you be?), you are no doubt aware of my ongoing struggle to further the cause of the Living Impaired or LI -- those much-maligned individuals you may know better as zombies. Unfortunately, the living impaired have a severe public image problem, mainly due to grossly unfair portrayals in movies, television shows, novels, and even video games. If you have seen Night of the Living Dead or played Left 4 Dead, you are all too familiar with these negative media images.

But all is not lost, my friends!

Thanks to such forums as MOZ and now this very blog, you and I can help to change the public image of the LI and work together to build a brighter future -- living and living impaired alike! The job ahead of us is, I will admit, immense. Currently, the LI rank just below "terrorists" and "FM morning disc jockeys" in terms of public affection. The LI cannot vote, cannot legally own property, and cannot even walk the streets safely, as trigger-happy vigilantes are forever aiming their shotguns at our vulnerable foreheads. I myself have to go to work in disguise and lead a very complex double life, just to "make it" in a hostile world.

Frankly, tomorrow night (Halloween) is the one night of the year when my people can walk out in public with their heads held high without fear of reprisal. So I say to my living impaired brothers and sisters: enjoy it while it lasts! November 1 is coming, and then it's right back to the same-old, same-old.