Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Magazine Odyssey, Part Thirteen by Greg Dziawer

This week, Ed (maybe) instructs us on how to shoot a home movie.

As nothing spells "XXX-mas" quite like vintage '70s pornography, in this week's Ed Wood Wednesdays we're sharing another magazine text from the Swedish Erotica film review magazines, circa 1977-1978, when we know Ed was punching the clock for the last time in yet another iteration of Bernie and Noel Bloom's by-then multimedia porn empire.

The following instructional article, whose text has been transcribed exactly as it originally appeared nearly 40 years ago, advertises itself as the first in a series that looks to have never gone beyond this first installment. It was published in Swedish Erotica Film Review #10. Featuring John Holmes and a bright yellow "SALES TO MINORS PROHIBITED" warning on its cover, this Carter-era porno magazine boasted a then-steep cover price of $12.50, which amounts to nearly $50 in today's money. Enjoy.

     Several thoughts come to mind when we figure on shooting the cunt, the pussy, the love nest. But first of all we must think about what we are trying to prove. What is it we want to see on film?
     There is the simple pussy shot whereby the girl is seated and slightly bent back, so that her crotch is wide and the pink of the vagina is open to the lens. Few problems are presented for this kind of a shot because there is no second party involved.
     And it might also be understood that the lighting arrangements are quite simple. The camera could be on a light board with one small lamp on either side of the camera itself. The board, however, is not recommended for a real close pussy shot, because the camera cannot get in close enough to be really gobbled up by the cunt. Much more preferred is that the lights be attached to stands and aimed directly at the cunt, but on an angle where the cameraman doesn't have to worry about getting in the way and blocking the lights. 
     The downfall for most amateur photographers is getting in the way of the lights. All of a sudden there is a big black blob where the subject should be.
      The insertion of the penis into the vagina might prove a bit more difficult for the amateur photographer. A shot from the rear is not recommended because little can be seen. The side, either right or left is interesting in that we can see the rod as it goes in and out. We know that something is being fucked, but it might be the vagina and then again it might be the ass.
     Assuming that the girl is in the dog fashion position we can angle our camera to shoot underneath, getting in as close to the genitals as the lens permits. Lighting here, again, should be from both sides, but shooting into the direct fucking action.
     And then we consider the missionary position of cunt fucking. It is best to have the girl's ass raised a bit, to allow for the sight value. And again the best results are going to come from the fact that the lens should be in very close on the fucking action. 
     It must be remembered that the prick-into-cunt is the sight we are looking for, and the juicer the shot the more exciting the scene will come off. However, with the cock shoved up the cunt there is very little to see except the in-and-out movement of the shaft. 
     Therefore we come to the cum shot. If the prick is to remain in the pussy, there will be nothing seen but the two people bumping at each other. We suggest then, just as the male is about to ejaculate he pulls his cock completely clear of the cunt and permits the sperm to shoot out on the girl's stomach; or if she's turned the other way, then shoots onto the cheeks of her ass.
     All cum is not milky in nature, some is extremely clear and is almost invisible in its existence. Thus the camera should be in extremely close for any and all cum shots. 
     Since the girl does not produce any love juice to show that she is having an orgasm, other methods must be used by the photographer. One of the easiest ways is to have the girl jerk her ass up and down a few times on the bed. And her eyes close tightly. Her tongue might furiously lick around her lips, or she might bite at her lower lip. Her mouth open in some pleasure scream also proves the point. Trembling inner thighs and hips are quite normal when the girl is experiencing an orgasmic eclipse.
     There is also another interesting position which will be easily filmed by the amateur. This is where the male is stretched out on his back and the girl, facing the front, sits on his shaft. Here, the lighting is easily framed and the camera can get in as close as necessary as the girl rides up and down on the shaft. And also, here, if the man happens to cum into the girl before he can pull out, the drool will be seen to river down the rod. 
     With the camera in close all the reactions of the thighs and hips of both parties are visible to the lens. And there is strength in the reaction of the muscles of the ass and inner thighs which the camera can pick up for the viewer's pleasure. 
     In shooting a home movie it is best to stay away from long shots, except as an establishing of the scene. All the best results will come from the close ups of the body parts in action. It is the cock and the cunt which are the most important part in the cunt-cock fucking sequences. And be sure that the exposure for the light meter is exact, otherwise the film can be ruined.    

Logo for the Hollywood Connection series.

We know that something is being fucked, indeed. By the late 1970s, texts in porn mags and paperbacks had reached their pinnacle in terms of profane, graphic descriptions. But was this particular article written by Ed? As it is uncredited, and we have no clear objective evidence, we're unlikely to ever know for certain. If the odd syntax doesn't get you there, consider this unique detail for starters: "dog fashion."

The common verbiage is "doggie style," but "dog fashion" turns up often in 8mm loop box cover and catalog descriptions for loops that contain their fair share of signatures—captions, titles, end cards, font of all of those, set decorations (lamps, pillows, blankets, wall hangings, ashtrays, etc.), cast members—from myriad loop series circa 1972-1975. Dog Fashion is even the title of the first loop in the Hollywood Collection loop series, all starring John Holmes and all inferred to be Bloom-related. Yes, it's a small detail, but a unique one. 

It's worth noting, too, that "rod" was one of Eddie's favorite slang terms for the penis, and this article uses it twice. That list of vagina synonyms ("the cunt, the pussy, the love nest") is also highly characteristic of Ed Wood's pornographic work.

Eddie or not, we hope you enjoyed this slice of vintage porn. If nothing else, now you know how to shoot your own homemade 8mm porn.

We wish you a Merry XXX-mas, from Ed Wood Wednesdays!

In the coming year, we'll continue exploring loops that Ed may have worked on, in some capacity. We'll continue the Wood Odyssey, and venture into new realms: the Wood Orbit and the Wood Obsession. We'll continue gloriously losing our minds, and we invite you to join us!