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| There's no math quite like Ed Wood math. |
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| Loop star John Holmes |
Swedish Erotica was unquestionably one of the most popular and best remembered series of pornographic loops released in the 1970s. But these short films, generally about six to eight minutes in length and originally sold through the mail to collectors, were shot without sound and thus required the use of awkward onscreen subtitles to convey any necessary dialogue, including the performers' moans of ecstasy during the plentiful sex scenes.
So who wrote these subtitles for Swedish Erotica and other related loops from the early to late '70s?
The evidence suggests that this was something Edward D. Wood, Jr. did, at least early on, for the first wave of Swedish Erotica loops that were shot in Los Angeles under the auspices of producer Noel Bloom, beginning circa 1973. Noel was the son of West Coast adult magazine kingpin Bernie Bloom, head of Pendulum Publishing and a patriarchal figure to Ed Wood during Ed's waning years in the porn business. We know Eddie worked on the first 21 entries in the SE series, up to and including the two-part "Pier Passion" as well as loops in such Bloom series as Danish International Films and John's Girls, among dozens of others.
The evidence suggests that this was something Edward D. Wood, Jr. did, at least early on, for the first wave of Swedish Erotica loops that were shot in Los Angeles under the auspices of producer Noel Bloom, beginning circa 1973. Noel was the son of West Coast adult magazine kingpin Bernie Bloom, head of Pendulum Publishing and a patriarchal figure to Ed Wood during Ed's waning years in the porn business. We know Eddie worked on the first 21 entries in the SE series, up to and including the two-part "Pier Passion" as well as loops in such Bloom series as Danish International Films and John's Girls, among dozens of others.
All of these loops possess strong internal evidence of having been made by the same creative principles. Common tropes include: characters walking into and away from the camera in reverse shots, dreamy dissolve edits, and the repeated use of distinctive set decorations.
One challenge is discerning the actual time frames involved in the making of these loops. The films themselves rarely carry copyright dates, and the years printed on the box covers (when present) tend to be a few years after the movies were likely produced. This, again, is based on internal evidence, such as cast. By watching these movies, for instance, one can witness series "protagonist" John Holmes (billed as Long John or Big John Holmes) as he ages rapidly due to drug addiction.
The time frames are important pieces of the puzzle in determining if and how long Ed Wood wrote subtitles. In the interest of documenting Ed's possible work, here are transcripts from two later loops in the Swedish Erotica series, produced after the shoots moved north to San Francisco. We know that Ed worked for a company called Art Publishers, Inc. right through 1978, the last year of his life. ("Art Publishers" was the innocuous name under which Swedish Erotica was doing business at the time.) And we can further surmise that these two Swedish Erotica loops were produced while Ed Wood was still living. So are these subtitles his words? Read for yourself.
Swedish Erotica Loop #92 "Bubble Bath" (circa 1976)
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| Detail from the box cover for "Bubble Bath." |
This sudsy little film stars John Holmes and actress Virginia Winter. Holmes is in a transitional state here, moving from the gawky Midwestern kid with the outsized appendage to the mythologized and mustachioed ladies man he is best remembered as, owing to his growing fame in so-called "porno chic" features in the latter half of the '70s. The gorgeous and amazing Winter appeared often with Holmes in Swedish Erotica loops, and the two have a definite sexual chemistry.
While the tropes of the earlier LA-shot loops are largely gone, the SE series nevertheless developed with a general sense of consistency. In time, however, even the loose narrative setups would disintegrate, and the loops would become increasingly perfunctory, focused more than ever on just the hardcore sex. The subtitles, too, adapted accordingly. They would even change colors over time. The subtitles for "Bubble Bath" are in yellow.
John: WHAT'S KEEPING HER?
John: SHE LOOKS GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT
Girl: CUM HERE
John: THERE
John: LET'S DRY OFF
John: COME ON LET'S GO
John: OHHH!!!!
John: COME HERE COME HERE
Girl: OHHH!!!!
Girl: AHHH!!!!
Girl: OHHH!!!!
Girl: AHHHH!!!!!
Girl: KEEP PUMPING FEELS SO GOOD
Girl: OH, JOHN DEEPER, DEEPER
Girl: OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD
John: TURN OVER
Girl: AHHH!!!!!
John: AHHH!!!!!
That's 18 lines and 46 total words, for an average of 2.6 words per line, the low end of any of the subtitles I've so far transcribed. With that preponderance of OH's and AH's, this is one of the most reductionist sets of subtitles in all of loopdom. John is characteristically taciturn, eliciting responses from his partner while he focuses on his business.
Swedish Erotica Loop #132 "Rectum Hell" (circa 1977)
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| Box cover for "Rectum Hell" |
The subtitles are purple on this one, and we are nearing the end of the subtitled silent 8mm loops. The Swedish Erotica series would continue for roughly a half dozen more years, finally ending in the mid-1980s, and the later entries have sound. Holmes stars again, paired here with Eileen Welles, and is clearly a little older than he was in "Bubble Bath."
John: SUCK ME!
Girl: IT'S SO BIG.
John: DAMN, YOU SUCK GREAT COCK!
Girl: UMMMMMMMM.
John: OH, I LIKE IT...I LIKE IT...
John: WHAT AN ASS...
Girl: LIKE IT? SUCK IT...SUCK MY CUNT!
Girl: SUCH A WICKED TONGUE...
Girl: LAP MY CUNT...LAP IT...LICK IT...
Girl: OHHHHH PLEASE...PLEASE...PLEASE
Girl: FUCK ME...FUCK ME...
Girl: YOU'RE SOME WILD FUCKER.
Girl: PLEASE ME.
Girl: FUCK ME IN THE ASS...
John: PLAY WITH YOUR CLIT NOW...
Girl: ALL OF IT...I'VE GOT ALL OF IT IN ME...
John: OHHHHHHHHHH.
That's an amazing crescendo by Holmes at the end, capping another sparse but memorable set of subtitles. Consistent elements from the earliest subtitled loops include the AH's and UM's as well as the rhythmic repetition.
The math: a mere 17 lines and 73 words, for an average of 4.3 words per line, roughly the median for the subtitles I've so far transcribed.
The silent, subtitled 8mm loops that Noel Bloom produced on the West Coast in the 1970s remain utterly unique, even for someone who has admittedly seen thousands and thousands of X-rated loops. These films were typically shot on 16mm film. The 8mm versions distributed to arcades, sex shops, etc. generally contained the subtitles. The original 16mm footage would later be the source of for various Swedish Erotica home video compilations from the VHS era in the early to mid-1980s and beyond. I've even seen a few loops on these comps that are subtitled and appear to have been culled from a 16mm source.
Subtitles remained a consistent element in the Swedish Erotica loops, even past the first 130 shorts in the series. Additionally, Noel Bloom produced numerous other such series, with titles numbering in the dozens, in the early 1970s before Swedish Erotica became his flagship brand.
With that in mind, let's do a math problem based on inference and projection. If there are 400 subtitled loops, averaging 4.5 words per line and 30 lines per film, then how many distinctly strange texts could Ed Wood have written? That's 54,000 words—albeit repeating a lot of variations on sexual groans—enough to fill a slim volume.
How much of this was written by Ed Wood? Watch lots of loops and help me figure it out.
Extra credit: Someone wrote the box cover summaries for these films, too.