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| When Ed Wood writes about "sex clinics," he doesn't mean the kind with actual doctors. |
A month and a half ago, I completed what might have been the most ambitious Ed Wood-related project of my entire life: reviewing every single story included in the massive 2021 anthology When the Topic is Sex. Even Bob Blackburn, the Wood superfan who compiled the book, doubted whether I would be able to do it, since When the Topic was even longer than the previous volumes of Ed's work, Blood Splatters Quickly and Angora Fever.
Admittedly, the project was not always convenient, especially now that I'm working a full-time office job again. But I set aside a particular time each day to read and review each of the articles, and I managed to get through it with my sanity relatively intact. It helped that When the Topic is Sex gave me new insight to a part of Ed Wood's career that I had barely broached, i.e. his nonfiction writing. In fact, I'm already jonesing for some more of this material. So today, I'm covering one of Eddie's nonfiction articles from the 1970s that didn't wind up in Bob's book.
The article: "Sex Clinics." Originally published in Fantastic Annual (Gallery Press, 1974). Credited to "Dick Trent."
Excerpt: "The voyeur is a frequent client to these establishments. Many peepers have been saved from the jail cells because the girls put on the peep shows for him. Previously, the peeper or the voyeur had to go sneaking through yards and alleys at night hoping to find an open window where he could look into and see the girl undressing or having sex acts with her boyfriend or girlfriend, as the case may be, and suffer the possibility of arrest. All this was eliminated for him."
Reflections: One thing I have learned from reviewing the writings of Edward D. Wood, Jr. is never to judge an article by its title. Ed's mind worked in mysterious, sometimes inexplicable ways, and he could take an assignment in directions that you did not anticipate. His 1974 article "Sex Clinics" is a perfect example. I assumed from the title that this was going to be about individuals and couples consulting licensed medical professionals about their sex problems. Wrong! In fact, Ed dispels this notion right away:
Now, there is always the churchman, the doctor, the psychiatrist, the sexologist and hordes of other schooled men who will take your case and their explanation is in just as many medical terms as one might find in any medical journal… and just as confusing. Where then could the guy or the girl with the sexual hang-up go to figure out something about himself? Where can the guy or the girl go to find out what they are lacking in their sex lives? How about a sex clinic? Now we are not referring to some medical type of sex clinic staffed by those of the medical profession as stated above.
Okay, so if Ed isn't talking about sex clinics staffed by medical doctors, what the hell is this article about? Well, according to Ed Wood, there are numerous underground sex clinics staffed entirely by retired prostitutes who have aged out of the profession but are still, for the most part, "young and pretty." Haven't hookers been teaching young men about sex for years? Besides, Ed says, many ex-prostitutes "have at least one year of college and they have studied sociology or sexology or one of the other courses with a sex background, therefore they know many of the terms which they will be called upon to use." Too bad they're not covered by insurance.
The great thing about these underground sex clinics is that the prostitutes "perform the physical act which is disturbing their clients… with the client or clients." Try getting that level of service from a medical doctor! These newfangled sex clinics will cater to those with particular fetishes, including cross-dressing and voyeurism. They'll also aid those who wish to experiment with lesbianism or group sex but don't know where or how to get started. The clinicians' fees may be high, Ed warns, but it's worth it because they get results.
What makes this article a special gem is that Ed Wood (writing yet again as "Dick Trent") gives us some potential biographical information about himself. While writing about sex workers of the past, he offers this personal insight: "After all the houses [of prostitution] have been closed… there are no more of the red lights hung over the door such as the ones I visited in Kinston, North Carolina in 1942." Kinston, North Carolina in 1942, eh? That would have been around the time Ed was undergoing Marine training in Parris Island, SC, so it's possible he and some fellow jarheads made a day trip up north to Kinston for some fun. This detail seems too specific to be wholly manufactured. Reader Shawn Langrick shared with me this article that ran in the September 6, 1944 edition of The Durham Morning Herald.
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| Kinston, NC was apparently a hotbed of vice... and a big attraction for Marines! |
While reading this article, I could not help but think how perfectly it fits in with the movies that Ed Wood was making at the time. Right from the start, for instance, Ed mentions the prevalence of "sex hang-ups" in our society. This put me in mind of The Young Marrieds (1972), in which newlyweds Ben and Ginny frequently argue about their own sexual hang-ups. "You're just hung up bad," Ben tells his wife at one point. Then there are the nostalgic references to houses of prostitution. The fact that Ed refers to these establishments simply as "houses"—rather than "brothels" or "bordellos" or any other term—reminded me of his film The Only House in Town (1970), which is set in just such a place.
Above all, though, the Ed Wood film I thought about the most while reading "Sex Clinics" was Necromania (1971). I now realize that the mysterious Madam Heles character in that movie is running the kind of underground sex clinic that Ed is describing in this article. She's just added an element of mysticism or Gothic horror to it. Consider the scene in which "quickie artist" Carl complains to Tanya, "I must come first! I paid plenty to be first! Be completely cured!" Basically, he's lodging a customer service complaint.
Ed Wood ends "Sex Clinics" with a quote from a nurse who works at an underground sex clinic: "I know a lot of prudes might object to our therapeutic techniques, but our patients come in as wrecked souls and leave as happy, sexually capable lovers." Isn't that exactly the path that Danny and Shirley take in Necromania?