Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Promo Odyssey, Part Nine by Greg Dziawer

They actually do boil; it just takes a while.

The perils of looking for evidence of Ed Wood texts within the vast reaches of 1970s porn are many. I am assuming that there are more texts out there than currently accounted for. As I mentioned here last week, I recently came across two summaries of early '70s adult films that pricked up my ears for a moment and made me wonder if they could have been penned by Eddie. (Check them out here before proceeding, if you haven't already.)

First off, let me say that we have no evidence that Ed wrote box cover summaries for adult videotapes, which is where at least one of these texts comes from. The IMDb credits its summary of The Candy Store (1972) to VCX, an early and prolific purveyor of porn videos. The summary for Million Dollar Mona (1973) is credited only to Anonymous. I'm already surmising—before even getting to the question of Ed's possible authorship—that this synopsis comes from a box cover or perhaps a catalog.

I am confident, though, that Ed did write box cover summaries for the 8mm loops produced and distributed by Noel Bloom. Noel, you will remember, is the son of Bernie Bloom, Ed's boss at Pendulum/Calga Publishers, where he worked as a staff writer for the better part of the last decade of his life. There is a demonstrable correspondence between Noel's loops and Bernie's magazines, with the latter giving generous press coverage to the former.

VHS arrived in my home in 1981. My dad liked being the "first on the block" with new tech and was an early adopter to the new format. It's worth noting that this was three years after Ed Wood's passing, so it seems on the surface that there's no way Eddie could have written the summaries for The Candy Store and Million Dollar Mona.

But let's examine the evidence!

• Million Dollar Mona was first released on video in 1973 on the Video Station label. Yes, you read that right. If you are unfamiliar with the early history of porn on tape, I highly recommend you check out  Smutty Little Movies, a fastidiously researched tome by Peter Alilunas. You'll see that, in fact, adult films were already making their way to tape in the first half of the '70s, i.e during Ed Wood's lifetime.

• The Candy Store was released by VCX, which began distributing tapes commercially in 1978. VCX happened to be run by a man named Norm Arno. A few years earlier, Norm ran Stacey Distributors, the company responsible for the theatrical distribution of Ed's films The Only House in Town (1971) and Necromania (1971). Arno also happened to be an associate of Noel Bloom.

It is therefore possible, given his professional associations and the timeframe of these releases, that Ed could have written these summaries.

I asked you to submit your thoughts, and a few folks chimed in.

The esteemed Rbt G Huffman hit me up first, noting that if Ed were responsible for either of these texts, it would likely be Million Dollar Mona. He provided a brief bulleted list in support:

• Mona von Groana

• Nympho Mania

• Mona being a swindler

• The whole plot is silly, ridiculous, and madcap, including the bookend device

• Brutal violence

• Jimmy hiding in female attire

While I concurred that all of that is very Woodian, I mentioned to Rob that I was merely speculating about the box cover summaries, and not the actual films.

"Or did he write the screenplay and direct it/them as well?" Rob replied.

For the record, direction of both films is credited to the pseudonymous Willard Wonderful, his only two credits. Another rabbit hole for another day.

Next up, eminent Wood scholar W Paul Apel said, "For my money the second example in your blog post looks like the author's first language was not English." Given Ed's oft-times unique and strange syntax, that seems to line up.

That said, neither Rob nor Paul confidently asserted that they believed either summary to have been written by Eddie.

What do I think? "Sperm-simmering techniques" struck me as unusually vivid and strange ballyhoo, even in this space. And you all surely noted the use of pleasure as a verb, uncommonly, a la Criswell in the Wood-scripted Orgy of the Dead: "Torture! Torture! It pleasures me!"

Alas, though, after reading these summaries more times than I can count, I concluded that Ed's style and viewpoint is so utterly distinctive that if I were still Willard Wonder-ing, I'd have to say nope. Indubitably, Ed hits you right between the eyes, without question. Am I sure? Will we ever be certain about possible Ed texts? And who the hell is Willard Wonderful? We'll keep looking and apply due skepticism.

I am sure, though, more Wood work will turn up!