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| Conrad Brooks (left) and Paul Marco in Plan 9 from Outer Space. |
"It's tough to find something when you don't know what you're looking for."
Conrad Brooks says that notorious line about 37 minutes into Ed Wood's Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957), approximately the halfway point in the movie, and his fateful words have been evoking laughs from audiences for decades. The line has become iconic in its own way, so much so that an older Conrad Brooks playfully quotes himself in the documentary Flying Saucers Over Hollywood (1992).
A strange thought occurred to me recently, though: why?
What, exactly, is it about the line that makes it funny? Certainly, Brooks is speaking the truth here; it really is tough to find something when you don't know what you're looking for. Imagine being sent on a scavenger hunt without a list of specific items to locate. You'd have a tough time of it, right? So the character's logic is airtight. Nevertheless, the line hits our ears as unmistakably stupid, the kind of thing only a person with no self-awareness would say.
Partly, the humor comes from Conrad Brooks' utterly earnest, sincere delivery. He acts as though he has said something of importance when he has really communicated nothing. But consider his circumstances. His character in Plan 9, Jamie, is a uniformed Los Angeles cop who has been dispatched to a spooky, fog-shrouded cemetery that has been the site of several recent murders and other strange, supernatural incidents possibly involving zombies, aliens, and UFOs. Just what's been happening in this place, nobody knows.
It's a case so baffling it would test the mettle of even a seasoned lawman. Certainly, such matters are beyond Jamie's ken. Jamie's own boss, the venerable Inspector Daniel Clay (Tor Johnson), has recently been killed at this very cemetery. Now, a local woman named Paula Trent (Mona McKinnon) has reported being chased through the cemetery by a ghoulish old man (Bela Lugosi/Tom Mason). Jamie has been ordered to search the grounds, but what is he looking for? How will he even know when he finds it?
To make matters worse, Jamie has been paired with the least valuable man in the department, the bumbling Officer Kelton (Paul Marco). It is to Kelton that Jamie makes his infamous remark. The two officers do not seem to get along well—no one on the force likes Kelton—and Jamie is especially irritable because his shift ended an hour ago. How is a man supposed to make great insights under such conditions?
As I thought about Conrad Brooks' line from Plan 9 from Outer Space, I realized it was just one example of a phenomenon that occurs throughout the entire movie. Time and again, the characters in Plan 9 have a tendency to make statements so obvious, so flagrantly self-evident, that it seems absurd to utter them out loud. But utter them out loud, they do. Some examples:
- In the prologue, Criswell tells us, "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future." Thanks for clearing that up for us, Cris.
- Paula says to her husband Jeff (Gregory Walcott), "I don't think I've ever seen you in this mood before." He responds, "I guess it's because I've never been in this mood before."
- Lt. Harper (Duke Moore) tells Larry (Carl Anthony), "One thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead... murdered... and somebody's responsible!"
- Colonel Edwards (Tom Keene) tells an unnamed Army captain (Bill Ash) that the aliens "must have a reason for their visits." The captain responds, "Visits? Well, that would indicate visitors!"
- When investigating a busted-open grave at the cemetery, Lt. Harper says, "Well, let's go down and find out whose grave it is." When Kelton asks how, Harper replies, "By going down and finding out!"
- At the Pentagon in Washington, Col. Edwards asks General Roberts (Lyle Talbot), "How could I hope to hold down my command if I didn't believe in what I saw and shot at?" Later, during this same conversation, Edwards asks, "Do you think [the aliens] mean business?" Keep in mind that this is after several armed showdowns with flying saucers and the destruction of an entire town by alien forces.
- After questioning Jeff about his experience with the aliens, Col. Edwards remarks, "This is the most fantastic story I've ever heard!" When Jeff assures him that "every word of it is true," Edwards says, "That's the fantastic part of it!"
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| Eros thinks he's making a good point here. |
Well, as long as they can think, we'll have our problems. But those whom we're using cannot think. They are the dead. Brought to a simulated life by our electrode guns. You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider... the Earth people who can think are so frightened by those who cannot: the dead. Well, our ship should be regenerated. We better get started.
Whether it was intended as such or not, this scene works as a perfect bit of cringe comedy. As viewers of Plan 9 already know, Eros is a smug, arrogant character who tends to talk in a condescending manner to those he considers beneath him. (Read: nearly everyone except the Ruler.) Even though he's a perpetual screwup, he consistently overestimates his own intelligence.
In this scene, we also see how Eros (mistakenly) considers himself rather witty and philosophical. About midway through the speech presented above, he folds his arms across his chest and starts to smirk. He really thinks he's making a brilliant observation about the primitive Earth people and their foolish fear of the dead. But Tanna just stares blankly back at him and says nothing. Eros eventually realizes that his little speech is failing to have its intended effect, so he awkwardly changes the subject. ("Well, our ship should be regenerated.") I think it would be funny if Eros and Tanna's ship weren't ready yet, forcing them to spend another few minutes standing around at some dock with nothing to say.
The truth is, we say stupidly obvious things to each other all the time in our daily lives. It's been a very hot summer here in Illinois, for example, and I've recently been known to make such pithy remarks as "Boy, it's hot out here today!" and "Sure is a hot one!" Did anyone need me to say those things out loud? No. But there are situations in which I feel I have to say something just to be conversational.
What's surprising—and therefore funny—about hearing these statements in Plan 9 from Outer Space is that we assume movie characters will speak with more eloquence and purpose than we normal humans do because their time and their words are more valuable than ours. They can't afford to waste their words the way we can. But Ed Wood shows us otherwise. Even Army colonels, airplane pilots, police officers, and space aliens are capable of saying totally useless, redundant, and idiotic things.
In 1907, in Mrs. Goose, Her Book, an otherwise-forgotten writer named Maurice Switzer gave us a famous warning: "It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it." Quite simply, the characters in Plan 9 remove all doubt. God bless them for it.