Helping Kristen Stewart be more eloquent

So have you heard? Kristen Stewart can't go to the mall.

I know, right? That is totes depressing, K-Stew.

Here's what the damsel in distress had to say on the matter:

There’s no way to eloquently put this. I just can’t go to the mall. It bothers me that I can’t be outside very often.

Now, I can't solve Kristen's privacy problems, but I do dispute her claim that there is no way to "eloquently" phrase her dilemma. How about this?

Oh, cruel fate! It would seem that my nascent renown carries with it the heftiest of penalties. Verily, I have attained eminence as a thespian, but at what cost? My notoriety has isolated me to the point that even a casual sojourn to the local shopping plaza has become impractical. I dare not partake of the joys afforded to humanity by Mrs. Fields or even Nine West. Were I to do so, I would all but assuredly be overwhelmed by admirers and well-wishers. If this is to be my fate, then I shall cloister myself away, as much as it pains me. Why must you torment me in this fashion, capricious Fortuna?

So that's something to try in the next interview, Kristen.

P.S. - If you're wondering what makes Kristen Stewart an appropriate subject for this blog, then you obviously didn't examine that photograph at the beginning of the article.

V is for Vampires (Day 22)

I hate vampires.

Twenty years before Twilight, folks. I was ridiculously ahead of the Twilight backlash. Backlashes, of course, are the lifeblood of the Internet. We're all player haters at heart. I think a lot of the anti-Twilight sentiment is directly attributable to the fact that Stephanie Meyer is pulling in mad cash for her little vampire stories, and we all wish we'd thought of it instead of her. I've never read any of the books or seen any of the movies, so my familiarity with the franchise extends only to the way it has been discussed online. (Well, a little on TV.) I don't really even know if Kristen Stewart really is as hopeless an actress as everyone says. I do know I've seen many publicity photos of her looking hilariously blank -- conveying "nothingness" so perfectly that it almost seems intentional. Who knows? Maybe Kristen Stewart is actually a brilliant con artist having a good laugh at our expense.