Here's my check from the Onion

Almost too cool to cash: a $45 check from The Onion.

I'm still debating whether or not to cash this: it's a $45 check from The Onion, and just as I had hoped, it has the slogan "America's Finest News Source" written on it. To me, this is a really cool little pop culture collectible. I also haven't decided whether I'm going to try to pitch any further stories to them. It was something I had wanted to do for a while. Now, I've done it, and I kind of want to leave it at that, like I just crossed off another item on my personal bucket list. I actually don't have a pop culture bucket list (and I didn't even see the movie), but that would have been on there. Maybe I can try to win the New Yorker caption contest or something. I was a finalist once and then kind of gave up on it. The late Roger Ebert stuck with the contest and, after many attempts, finally won. Maybe I should follow his example. I don't know.

Need your help: New Yorker Caption Contest

Citizens:

Are you familiar with the New Yorker Caption Contest? Well, it's a weekly contest sponsored by the New Yorker magazine in which readers submit various "funny" captions for a cartoon, and then a group of judges narrow the submissions down to three contenders which then get voted on by the public. The winner doesn't really get anything out of it, but the contest is a big deal (among nerds) nevertheless. Folks, I won't lie to you: I want to win this contest. So here's what I need you to do -- think of something funny to say about the following cartoon and post it in the comments section.

Thanks,

Wayne



Naw, I'm just joshin' ya. If you come up with a good caption for this cartoon, please enter it yourself at the New Yorker's website. Me, I'm damned well stumped by this particular cartoon. Tell me -- and please be honest -- if any of the following strike you as even remotely humorous.

• "Save the jive talk, copper! I don't recognize your precious laws of physics!"

• "What can I say, officer? I was in a Shriners parade, got bored, made a left turn, drank about 15 cans of Four Loko, and now I'm here."

• "Ever considered a career in pornography? 'Cause I could totally make that happen."

• "Boy, are you going to have a great story to tell your no-doubt-hideous wife!"

• "Be honest. Wouldn't you rather know how I did this than give me that ticket?"

• "I'm in your house! Call me!"

• "What part of 'I'M ON A BOAT' don't you understand, officer?"

Yikes. Maybe I'll have better luck next week. Now you may have noticed that some of these captions make absolutely no sense. Allow me to explain: I thought it would be (somehow) super funny if the cop pulled over the boat/car and then the driver said some completely whacked-out, bat-shit-insane non sequitir. The "I'm in your house!" one, for instance, comes from the movie Lost Highway. I mean, if you were a cop and somebody said that to you, wouldn't you be freaked out a little?

Anyway, here's a song which suits the cartoon better than any caption ever could: "Boat of Car" by They Might Be Giants.