The complete and utter horror of... FOO TI FUM!

That crudely-rendered monster is Foo Ti Fum. The city he's terrorizing is Portland, Oregon.

My cousin's favorite gum

When I was growing up in Michigan, my uncle and his family lived right down the street from us, so my cousins were regular visitors to our home, especially during the summers. My uncle's youngest son, Derrick, was practically a brother to me in those days. He was one of those kids who, like the tykes in Family Circus, was always mispronouncing words in a way which grownups found cute. Derrick had a genuine love for Fruit Stripe gum back then, which I could never understand because, even at that age, I knew that Fruit Stripe was a total ripoff. A few seconds of flavor, then nothing.

Well, anyway, Derrick could never manage to say "Fruit Stripe gum" correctly, and it always came out sounding like "Foo Ti Fum." And that particular turn of phrase lodged itself into my mind and stayed there, long after I moved away from Michigan and my relatives. When I learned of a Marvel Comics character called Fin Fang Foom, I began to think of "Foo Ti Fum" as a similar character, a huge, snarling monster with the exact color scheme of the Fruit Stripe gum packaging.

This thought became so deeply rooted in my mind that, in moments of extreme boredom, I would actually Google "Foo Ti Fum" hoping to see pictures of this totally nonexistent character. Of course, nothing came up. Well, I finally decided to fix that. Here is a genuine article about Foo Ti Fum with a picture to go with it. If I ever Google the beast's name again, this will appear. That's good enough for me.

I Am Violet Beauregarde: Confessions of a Gum Chewer!

The Who, drawn on gum wrappers. (artwork by Joe Blevins)

"But it's repulsive, revolting and wrong,

Chewing and chewing all day long

The way that a cow does!"

- THE OOMPA LOOMPAS, those judgmental orange bastards

Friends -- and I consider anyone who reads this blog my close, personal friend -- I have a confession to make.

I am an addict.

Now, don't become alarmed. My addiction is legal, safe, and relatively inexpensive. You see, I am a compulsive gum chewer. Yes, yes, I know. It's a filthy and rude habit. But I try to be a tidy and respectful addict. I always carefully dispose of my gum wrappers. I never ever stick my chewed-up gum on the bottoms of desks or chairs. And my brand of choice is the benign Extra Sugarless (peppermint flavor), which even carries the American Dental Association seal of approval.

But make no mistake: I am not a casual gum chewer. While I'm at work, I chew pretty much all day, every day. I have a drawer in my workstation filled with packs of Extra Sugarless, and each week it has to be refilled. While I'm home, I mainly chew first thing in the morning and after meals and snacks.

Why do I do this? I suppose for the same reason that General Santa Anna, according to legend, gave his men chewing gum. It relaxes me, puts my mind at ease, and relieves stress and tension. In short, it helps me work. Speaking of Santa Anna and chewing gum, I've always wondered whether the infamous Alamo tour scene from Pee-wee's Big Adventure was intended as an "in joke." Notice that Jan Hooks takes a piece of gum out of her mouth immediately after saying the name "Santa Anna."

Anyway, like other kinds of addicts, I have used my dependency as an inspiration for my art. Below is my portrait of The Who, drawn in ball-point pen on Extra Sugarless gum wrappers.

The Who, drawn on gum wrappers. (artwork by Joe Blevins)