Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "Out of the Fog" (1971)

Two ladies get up close and personal.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

Fog in Orgy of the Dead.

The story: "Out of the Fog," originally published in Two Plus Two, vol. 3, no. 2, May/June 1971. Credited to "Joe Baga."

Synopsis: Margie, 32, is the successful and attractive personnel manager for a large department store. She spends her weekends drinking heavily and having sex with lots of different women, though she's getting tired of inexperienced or selfish young partners. One foggy February night, she pulls into a cocktail lounge she has never visited before. There, she spots a young lady she assumes is a streetwalker and buys her some drinks. After a somewhat contentious introduction, the two women strike up a conversation. It turns out the stranger is named Toni, and although she is also a lesbian, she services male clients. She's in a bad mood because her customer stood her up. Margie invites Toni back to her place, and the younger woman accepts the invitation.

Wood trademarks: Fog (cf. "The Night the Banshee Cried"); fur (artificial in this case, cf. "The Hazards of the Game," "So Soon to Be an Angel"); "boobies" (cf. "Bums Rush Terror" "The Hooker"); heavy drinking on the weekends (cf. "To Kill a Saturday Night"); fluff (cf. "The Last Void," "The Fright Wigs"); cocktail lounges (cf. The Cocktail Hostesses); Scotch (cf. "A Taste for Blood," "So Soon to Be an Angel"); prostitution (cf. "The Hooker," Orgy of the Dead); anti-men rant (cf. Drop Out Wife).

Excerpt: "As she pulled the bottom of her fake fur coat down through the belt, giving the coat an even more full-skirted appearance, she made up her mind that any fluff she’d bring home that night wasn’t going to be some spring chicken fresh from high school. She wasn't in the mood to be a teacher that weekend. Just for once she wanted to lay back and enjoy herself with somebody who had like talents."

Reflections: This is the first of two back-to-back "fog" stories in Angora Fever, which got me to thinking about fog as a motif in Ed Wood's career. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) and Orgy of the Dead (1965) both lean pretty heavily on the fog machine -- it's an easy way of creating atmosphere while covering up a sparse set -- and there's that famous quote from Glen or Glenda (1953) about Glen's mind being "in a muddle, like in a thick fog." But, apart from "The Night the Banshee Cried," fog wasn't a major motif in Blood Splatters Quickly, and until this story, it hadn't crept into Angora Fever yet either.

Funnily enough, even though the graveyard in Orgy of the Dead is perpetually shrouded in fog, Ed's script indicates that the mist and haze are out of place in this story. As Criswell intones, "It is said on clear nights, beneath the cold light of the moon, howl the dog and the wolf, and creeping things crawl out of the slime. It is then the ghouls feast in all their radiance." So Eddie apparently imagined this story taking place on a fog-free evening.

As for "Out of the Fog" itself, this was another story that defied my expectations. Given that Margie had never visited this cocktail lounge before, and that it had emerged mysteriously from the fog (a la Brigadoon), I thought sure there was going to be some supernatural element to the story. Perhaps Margie had crossed over into The Twilight Zone, and we'd ultimately learn that none of this -- the lounge, the girl, etc. -- is real. Since Margie has no qualms about combining drinking and driving ("She didn’t want to pull off a drunk driving charge, but she knew she could handle three scotches without any trouble."), I thought there might be a twist ending wherein Margie's body is pulled from her vehicle, since she'd crashed her car into a tree in the fog. And this story would be revealed as her last fantasy as she slipped into unconsciousness.

But, no, nothing of the sort happens. This is one of the quieter, more character-driven stories in Angora Fever. It's simply about two characters coming together and talking. The fog is merely a background element, not a major plot device. So Eddie can go subtle.

Next: "That Damned Faceless Fog" (1971)

Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "The Fright Wigs" (1971)

An innocent young girl navigates the world of lesbian bars.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

An issue of Wild Cats.

The story: "The Fright Wigs," originally published in Wild Cats, vol. 5, no. 2. Credited to "Donna D. Dildo."

Synopsis: Tomme, an ex-Marine, now works as a private eye. A lesbian, she prides herself on her femininity. Among her current assignments, she's most interested in a missing person case involving an attractive 21-year-old blonde named Gloria Harston. Gloria left her parents' sprawling ranch in Texas some time ago and went to California, where she seemingly disappeared. In her investigation, Tomme learns that Gloria was also a lesbian and that she'd been seen at a bar frequented by a predatory woman nicknamed Dyke Anne. On the advice of a "butch" witness, Tomme searches the local hospitals and finds Gloria in one of them. The poor girl OD'd on sleeping pills once she met Dyke Anne, thinking she was typical of L.A.'s lesbian population, but Tomme is eager to show Gloria another side to the Sapphic lifestyle.

Wood trademarks: Private detective looking for missing daughter (cf. Take It Out in Trade); woman's name similar to a man's name (cf. Glen or Glenda, The Violent Years); cocktail lounges (cf. The Cocktail Hostesses); "beer bars" (cf. "Starve Hell"); predatory lesbian hag (cf. "The Hooker," "Calamity Jane"); "fluff" (cf. The Class Reunion, Orgy of the Dead); expression "the gory details" (cf. "The Gory Details");  "butch" (cf. "The Autograph"); chronic alcoholics (cf. "Never Fall Backwards"); maggots (cf. "Hitchhike to Hell"); character named Gloria (cf. "The Hazards of the Game," The Sinister Urge); tight sweaters (cf. Glen or Glenda, many stories in Angora Fever).

Excerpt: "You had money. You just went to a dive…the wrong place to start out. All lesbians don't hang out in the joints, you know. There are a lot of lesbians who wouldn't be caught dead in such a place. And all lesbians don't look like the witches you saw. Those are the bums of the society, the fright wigs of the sisters of Lesbos. You just didn't look in the right places."

Reflections: Wild Cats was one of Pendulum Publishing's lesbian-themed magazines in the early 1970s, though I'm not quite sure if the intended readers were actual lesbians or simply heterosexual men seeking girl-on-girl action. I'm guessing the latter. Still in all, "The Fright Wigs" is written with a certain degree of sensitivity, apart from the disparaging references to "butches" and "bull dykes." The point of the story is that Gloria need not be ashamed of being a lesbian. It's the reason she fled her home in Texas to come to Los Angeles. Apparently, being propositioned by Dyke Anne was enough to drive her to suicide. But Tomme knows another way: "I'll show you how the cocktail lesbians make love." So it's a matter of meeting the right lesbians.

Angora Fever notes that "The Fright Wigs" is missing from Ed Wood's resume but "reads like Ed." (The story was previously included in a now out-of-print 2009 collection called Short Wood.) I'd go one further: it reads like no one but Ed. Only the real Edward Davis Wood, Jr. would have written that Dyke Anne's breath "smelled like maggots." Or pointed out that Gloria "rang the lesbian bell a loud gong." Or used the term "fright wigs" to refer to people rather than to novelty hairpieces. This kind of prose emanates solely from the battered typewriter of Ed Wood.

It's probably too late to make a movie out of any of the stories in Angora Fever. The results would likely be mannered, ironic, and self-aware, treating the source material as "so-bad-it's-good" camp. See The Vampire's Tomb (2013) as an example of how it might go. But, gosh, would "The Fight Wigs" make a fun film. Tomme -- I'm guessing the name is pronounced like "Tommy" -- would make an ideal Wood heroine, and Ed himself might want to play Dyke Anne.

P.S. Reader Guy Deverell reports that Tom/Tommy and Gloria are, respectively, the 2nd and 8th most popular character names in Ed Wood's novels.

Next: "Out of the Fog" (1971)

Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "The Saga of Rance Ball" (1972)

This handsome fellow, I'm assuming, is Rance.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

Blue Money (1972).

The story: "The Saga of Rance Ball," originally published in Roulette, vol. 6, no. 1, January/February 1972. Credited to "Dick Trent."

Synopsis: Rance Ball, who owns a lot of porno theaters back East, is making one of his rare trips to Los Angeles to buy up new films. He's an arrogant, insulting, ill-tempered man, and everyone in the industry hates him, but his checks never bounce. Rance meets with a struggling independent producer named Harry Conners. As usual, Rance insults Harry's movies and Harry himself, calling him a drunken slob. The two men haggle over the purchase of some new films, but eventually they reach a deal. Rance walks away with the films and gives Harry a hefty check. Rance thinks he's gotten the best of Harry yet again, though the producer may just have a few tricks up his sleeve.

Wood trademarks: Character named Rance (cf. "Breasts of the Chicken," "Superfruit"); epithet "shit-head" (frequently used in Ed's own life, cf. Nightmare of Ecstasy); "the gory, bloody details" (cf. "The Gory Details"); the pornographic film business (Ed's own occupation through much of the '60s and '70s); chronic alcoholism (cf. "Never Fall Backwards"); the "you can say that again!" joke (cf. Necromania); maggots (cf. "Hitchhike to Hell").

Excerpt: "Pussy… that’s all they are. The guy and the broad makin' the scene on that crappy bed, on that crappy blanket you use in every slobbering picture you make. Well, once you seen pussy and once you seen that shitty bed you know what you’re going to see on the inside. The same old shitty Harry Conner picture. The same ugly dames and the same pockmarked characters you call men, making it on that cruddy bed."

Reflections: Boogie Nights (1997) is one of my favorite films of the 1990s, but real-life porn veterans of the 1970s -- at least in the interviews I've read and heard -- don't give it many points for historical accuracy. It's writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson's idea of what the X-rated movie business was like back then. Bob Chinn, a director best known for making the Johnny Wadd movies with John Holmes, told me via Facebook that a much more true-to-life film about the subject is 1972's Blue Money, co-written, directed by, and starring Alain Patrick.

Alain was one of the cast members of the Ed Wood-scripted One Million AC/DC (1969), and he worked with Chinn on a number of X-rated films in the '70s. Blue Money was Alain Patrick's position paper about what it's really like to work in that colorful industry. His character, Jim, makes pornographic movies, but his life is an endless series of decidedly unsexy hassles. The police are dogging his every move. He struggles to squeeze money out of some cheapskate distributors. And his wife (temporarily) walks out on him, taking the couple's baby with her. Before the movie ends, Jim is even dragged into a courtroom.

Like this story, Blue Money is about the headaches that come with making pornography. "The Saga of Rance Ball" is fiction, obviously, but it reads like it was written by someone who's been in the trenches. Who else would think to include a passage in which Rance complains about the stills that Harry uses to advertise his films? Rance claims that "the stills get the slobs in off the street and once they’re in the theatre seat it's too late for them to back out." That's the kind of cynical yet realistic detail that an insider would know.

Next: "The Fright Wigs" (1971)

Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "Never Fall Backwards" (1972)

This guy is already breaking Rule #1.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

An issue of Fantastic.

The story: "Never Fall Backwards," originally published in Fantastic, vol. 1, no. 1, January/February 1972. Credited to "Dick Trent."

Synopsis: Top stuntman Rick Perry is getting loaded on Scotch at a cocktail lounge. He meets up with his friends, fellow stunt performers Terri and Vance. They're concerned abut Rick because he drinks so much, but he doesn't seem that worried. They talk shop. The next day, Rick is doing a very risky dive from a biplane into the ocean. Terri and Vance try to talk Rick out of it, but he's sure he can do it, even on a stomach full of whiskey. Rick good naturedly kids Vance, a second-tier stuntman whose next job is doubling for an actress named Shirley Lane as her character falls from a car. Terri wishes Rick could be careful like Vance, but she's in for a big surprise in the near future.

Wood trademarks: Stuntmen (cf. Hollywood Rat Race); cocktail lounge (cf. The Cocktail Hostesses); Scotch (cf. "Where Did Charlie Get on the Train?"); character named Shirley (cf. Orgy of the Dead); "ma'an" (Wood's peculiar spelling of "man," cf. "Craps"); alcoholism (compare to Ed's own life); cross-dressing (cf. Glen or Glenda).

Excerpt: "This is the way I like my Scotch. All that water cuts the taste. This way I can feel it burning all the way down to my balls… That’s the way I like things. All the way down to my balls. Hey, how about you and me going over to your apartment for a couple of hours, Terri?"

Reflections: Ed Wood obviously had respect for stuntmen. He did a little stuntwork himself and wrote about the profession with affection in Hollywood Rat Race. So it's only natural that he would eventually write a story like this. I was honestly not anticipating the twist ending, though, so kudos to Eddie for still being able to surprise me at this late stage in the game.

As a writer, Ed Wood had lots of tropes and trademarks. When scanning one of his texts, I always look for ellipses (Ed's favorite punctuation) and long, lingering descriptions of women's clothing or lingerie, especially when these have little to do with the plot. Character names like Glen, Barbara, Shirley, Rance, and Mac are dead giveaways, too. Furthermore, Ed often sets his stories in bars and cocktail lounges, and his characters are usually heavy drinkers, guzzling down whiskey or cheap wine by the gallon. And then there is his fixation on soft textures—"feathers, fur, and fluff," as Fawn Silver says in Orgy of the Dead (1965). "Never Fall Backwards," for instance, contains a completely gratuitous but very on-brand reference to a fur blanket.

"Never Fall Backwards" also features a good example of one of Eddie's favorite subjects: the super-studly, hyper-masculine man of action. A lot of Ed's protagonists seemed to have stepped directly out of a Marlboro ad. They have dangerous jobs (often as hitmen or hired killers), but they're always cool and detached. They drink whiskey like it's water and never seem to be without a gorgeous gal on their arms or, better yet, in their beds. Rick Perry is a prime example of this character type. In this story, it's no surprise to learn that Rick and Terri are friends with benefits. I wonder if this is the kind of guy Eddie always wanted to be.

Ed Wood died three years too early to see the hit ABC series The Fall Guy (1981-1986), but I'm sure he would have loved it. It starred Lee Majors as macho stuntman Colt Seavers—what a great, Wood-ian name—who moonlights as a bail bond agent to pick up some extra cash. I remember tuning in every week to see the death-defying stunts. In that department, The Fall Guy was the only thing on TV to rival The Dukes of Hazzard. I'm sure, if he'd been alive, Eddie would have been tuning in, too, and maybe even crooning along with the hit C&W theme song, "The Unknown Stuntman." The lyrics easily apply themselves to Rick Perry: "I've never spent much time in school/But I've taught ladies plenty/It's true I hire my body out for pay/A-hey-hey!"

Next: "The Saga of Rance Ball" (1972)

Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "Tank Town Chippie" (1973)

There's the chippie, and there's the tank right behind her.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

Gallery, vol. 2, no. 2.

The story: "Tank Town Chippie," originally published in Gallery, vol. 2, no. 2, April/May 1973. Credited to "Ann Gora."

Synopsis: The Vietnam War is winding down, so all the American soldiers will soon be headed home. This is bad news for a Vietnamese prostitute nicknamed Cobra, since she'll be losing her main source of income. Before the war ends, she needs to land an American husband. She sets her sites on a virginal soldier named Tony Armando. She manages to convince him she's a virgin, and they begin a relationship. Tony tells her that, back home, he only makes $100 a week at a factory. Cobra thinks this is plenty of money, and she marries Tony the day before he ships out. After some bureaucratic hurdles, she's allowed to move to America and rejoin her husband, only to find that Tony lives in a hovel. It isn't long before Cobra seeks out the wealthier neighborhoods in the area so she can resume her previous occupation.

Wood trademarks: "Tank town" (cf. Bride of the Monster); prostitution (cf. "The Hooker," "Private Girl," etc., etc.); soldiers at war (cf. "No Atheists in the Grave"); snake imagery (cf. Orgy of the Dead, Necromania); living in poverty in a crummy apartment (compare to Ed's own life); "love nest" (euphemism for vagina, cf. "Private Girl," "Scream Your Bloody Head Off").

Excerpt: "Six months later she was with him… in the sleazy tenement type apartment with the yelling brats, the mice and the cockroaches at nights… the smells of all the neighbors’ cookings and the rotting cellars, and the unclean clothing which had been hung out to dry… or hung in the halls…."

Reflections: I was really looking forward to "Tank Town Chippie" because of the story's outrageous title, an unlikely combination of two outdated slang terms. I figured, based on Ed's other stories, that the main character would be a prostitute or at least a woman of loose morals. I knew the term "chippie" from Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman and a Woody Allen story called "The Kugelmass Episode." And, yeah, that's pretty much what Ed's story is about.

But I never would have guessed that the "tanks" of the title would be literal Army tanks. I guess I should not be entirely surprised, since Eddie's novel Mama's Diary (1969), adapted to film as Operation Redlight, involves a chain of brothels in Vietnam. Apparently, Eddie was eager to return to that world. Perhaps it would give him an opportunity to relive his days as a Marine during World War II. Ed might not have seen much action back then, but I'm sure he made the acquaintance of a few prostitutes along the way.

My own knowledge of Vietnamese prostitutes is pretty much limited to the infamous "Boots Are Made for Walking" scene from Full Metal Jacket, featuring Papillon Soo Soo and her famous line, "Me love you long time!"

Thematically, "Tank Town Chippie" is another one of Ed's ruminations on deception and identity shifting. He loves to have his characters deceive each other. Cobra, as devious as her reptilian nickname suggests, misrepresents herself outrageously to poor, dumb, trusting Tony. Again, I was surprised -- in a good way -- by the direction this story took. I thought that squalid domestic life with a blue collar factory worker was going to be Cobra's ultimate punishment for being untruthful back in Vietnam, but that's not how this story goes. She doesn't change one bit once she's in America, and she learns nothing. It's pretty clear, then, how Ed Wood felt in the great debate about whether whores can ever become housewives.

Next: "Never Fall Backwards" (1972)

Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "Where Did Charlie Get on the Train?" (1971)

Charlie and his women. Presumably, there's Scotch in that paper cup.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

An issue of Swap.

The story: "Where Did Charlie Get on the Train?" originally published in Swap, vol. 5, no. 3, July/August 1971. No author listed.

Synopsis: Charlie, a producer-director for Acme Studios, has died tragically -- run over by the very train on which he had reserved a drawing room. But how? Since he had a double indemnity clause in his policy with a $100,000 payout, the insurance company is investigating. Interviewees include: his wife Sheila; a Beverly Hills banker; Acme's head of publicity; a file clerk named Carry Nation; Charlie's secretary Helen; studio honcho Tom Corona; and two "negro barmen" who'd been working on the train that night. The story that emerges is of a philandering drunk whose career was in a tailspin. Charlie had personally financed his last two productions, both of which had bombed. But what's the solution to the mystery? Was Charlie murdered? Was it suicide? An accident?

Wood trademarks: "Eternity" (cf. Orgy of the Dead, Ed's books Parisian Passions, Bye Bye Broadie, abandoned project Masquerade into Eternity); copious amounts of blood (cf. "Blood Drains Easily"); character named Sheila (cf. "Blood Splatters Quickly," Night of the Ghouls, Glen or Glenda); Scotch (cf. "The Responsibility Game"); pink angora sweater (cf. Glen or Glenda); affair with secretary (cf. "The Responsibility Game," The Cocktail Hostesses); chatty file clerk (cf. Bride of the Monster); insurance investigator (cf. Crossroad Avenger).

Excerpt: "He just kept looking bleary-eyed into his glass and when it was empty he always shoved it right out for a refill. I never did see no man who could put down that much Scotch… any whiskey for that matter, in such a short time as he did. But he was a sad man."

Reflections: "Where Did Charlie Get on the Train?" is a story that stands out in the vast Ed Wood canon for a number of reasons. For one thing, it is presented like a mystery that the reader is supposed to solve, with clues along the way and a section labeled "CONCLUSION" at the end. The idea here, I believe, is that we should be following this investigation and making our own deductions based on the testimony of the witnesses. Personally, I got so bogged down in the details, such as the fact that Charlie preferred Teacher's Scotch, that I didn't come close to cracking the case.

"Charlie" is also noteworthy because of its obvious cinematic influences. The train, the double indemnity clause, the dogged insurance investigator -- these are all elements cribbed from Billy Wilder's Double Indemnity (1944), based on the James M. Cain novel of the same name. I can imagine Eddie watching Wilder's film on late night TV and suddenly being inspired to write this story. Overall, though, this story reminds me more of Citizen Kane (1941), directed, co-written by, and starring Ed's idol Orson Welles. Like Kane, "Charlie" consists of a series of interviews with people who knew a once-powerful man, and we get to know this man only through their testimony. If there was a "Rosebud" in Charlie's life, we never find out what it was.

This story is also one of Eddie's behind-the-scenes looks at the movie business, specifically the world of big budget studio films. There's quite a bit of talk here abut marketing and financing of motion pictures. Eddie would have been about 20 years removed from his brief stint at Universal when he wrote this story. By 1971, he was already deeply ensconced in softcore and hardcore pornography. So I'd imagine his take on the movie scene in this story is a combination of distant memories, Hollywood gossip, and Ed's own fantasies.

P.S. In its original published form, "Charlie" was given a rather lavish two-page spread with artwork depicting Charlie, the train, and some sexy gals (presumably some of the many women in Charlie's life). Take a look.

Next: "Tank Town Chippie" (1973)

Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "The Responsibility Game" (1972)

Must be Casual Friday.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

Savage Sex, vol. 4. no. 2.

The story: "The Responsibility Game," originally published in Savage Sex, vol. 4, no. 2, April/May 1972. Credited to "Dick Trent."

Synopsis: Married businessman Dave Caufield has been having a hot-and-heavy affair with his secretary Tina for three months. Little does Dave know that Tina secretly despises him and is only pretending to be interested in him because of his money and power. After another lovemaking session, Dave offers Tina the position of vice president. She eagerly accepts the job, thinking that it's the big break she's been waiting for. After she signs the contract, Dave takes off for "a couple of days" and leaves Tina in charge. She soon learns, though, that this new responsibility may be much more than she had bargained for.

Wood trademarks: Affair with secretary (cf. The Cocktail Hostesses); Scotch (cf. "The Wave Off"); phrase "I do believe you're insatiable" (compare to Necromania's "I do believe you have become insatiable"); nighties/negligees (cf. Glen or Glenda); marabou (cf. The Bride and the Beast); angora (cf. Ed Wood, Look Back in Angora).

Excerpt: "His hands flew from her all over again and he backed up a step and his eyes narrowed. Suddenly his hands lashed out and tore the flimsy nightgown and negligee until there was nothing left to hold it together and the material fell in soft cloud-like folds at her feet. Then he knelt before her and took her as he had not taken her the night before."

Reflections: When I reviewed Blood Splatters Quickly: The Collected Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. back in 2014, I called Ed Wood the "O. Henry of the damned." And that has proven to be the case again with the stories in Angora Fever. Like William Sydney Porter (pen name O. Henry), Eddie sure had a flair for those twist endings. You can generally count on Eddie's characters to misrepresent themselves deliberately to one another. Either they're not the people they claimed to be or they had some dark ulterior motive the whole time or both. Eddie's characters never level with each other. Maybe that's the influence of a lifetime in show business.

While thinking about Ed Wood and his customary surprise endings, I couldn't help but think of a 1981 SCTV sketch called "Short Story Playhouse" in which John Candy plays O. Henry. The writer's latest story has a suicidal waiter being attacked -- utterly out of nowhere -- by a lion in a posh club. Everyone except O. Henry himself insists that this is the worst, most ridiculous twist he's ever come up with and that his writing days are over. Despondent, but still sure that a lion is "a fine surprise ending," poor O. Henry plans to shoot himself when, all of a sudden... well, I won't spoil it, but it involves a lion.

"The Responsibility Game" also takes us back to the Golden Age of Office Lechery, back when nobody had even heard of the term sexual harassment. These were the days when businessmen guzzled down Scotch by the gallon, then chased their secretaries around big oak desks. The Cocktail Hostesses (1973) takes place in this same basic milieu. I worked office jobs for years in the 2000s and 2010s, and my time in corporate America was absolutely nothing like this at all. My experience was closer to The Office, only minus the jokes and the shenanigans.

Next: "Where Did Charlie Get On the Train" (1971)

Ed Wood's ANGORA FEVER: "Like a Hole in the Head" (1971)

Hollywood is such a meat market sometimes!

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Angora Fever: The Collected Short Stories of Edward D. Wood, Jr. (BearManor Bare, 2019).

Pendulum magazine.

The story: "Like a Hole in the Head," originally published in Pendulum, vol. 3, no. 1, November/December 1971. Credited to "Dick Trent."

Synopsis: Barbara, 20, is a sweet, uncomplicated supermarket cashier who has dreams of maybe being a dental hygienist someday. Her half-sister Terri, 25, wants to make it as an actress in Hollywood and is trying to sleep her way to the top by bedding some bit players, has-been stars, and low-rent producers. She's getting nowhere, though, because her voice -- fine in person -- sounds terrible when recorded. In her frustration, Terri tries to get a very reluctant Barbara to follow her into show business. After a few dance lessons, Barbara starts becoming more enthusiastic and begins socializing with some mysterious people whom Terri does not know. One day, Barbara disappears without a trace, and Terri doesn't learn the truth until she reads a newspaper article about her sister's terrible fate.

Wood trademarks: Virtuous character named Barbara (cf. Glen or Glenda); cautionary tale about young, aspiring actresses in Hollywood (cf. Hollywood Rat Race, The Sinister Urge); the line "Who put you in the psychiatrist's chair?" (compare to Love Feast's "What are you trying to do, psychoanalyze me?"); marabou (cf. "The Hazards of the Game"); nighties (cf. "The Hazards of the Game," "Unfriendly Persuasion"); sweaters (cf. "Hitchhike to Hell," "Gore in the Alley," many more stories in this collection).

Excerpt: "Even dramatic school hadn’t helped any. She sounded beautiful in her normal voice. But it just wouldn’t record. There are many people so inflicted. They just won’t record. But Terri still found this hard to believe… in fact, she wasn’t going to believe it. But deep in her subconscious she wanted someone who would be of a lesser entity in the business she could lord it over."

Reflections: Ed Wood is very consistent in his portrayal of young actresses trying to make it in Hollywood. It's a dreadful mistake, he advises. Don't even try it. You'll just wind up being used and abused -- possibly even raped, enslaved, or worse. While there are legitimate producers in town, wannabe starlets are more apt to encounter predatory sleazeballs. I'm pretty sure that "Like a Hole in the Head," a story whose title is never adequately explained, is the worst case scenario. I only hope that this story was purely a fantasy on Eddie's part and that its depiction of human trafficking is not based on any real-life operation.

What struck me most about this story was Terri's relationship to Barbara. The younger woman is portrayed as sweet and innocent, though she does admit she's "been laid before." Terri, on the other hand, is the proverbial fallen woman, already degraded by the time we meet her. In the paragraph that introduces Terri, Ed Wood writes that she has "some minute lines which could be seen when she took the light make-up off each night before retiring." She's damaged goods, in other words, especially when compared to Barbara.

This story is about how Terri selfishly drags Barbara down to her level and ends up destroying the poor girl in the process. At the beginning of "Like a Hole in the Head," Ed informs us that Terri and Barbara "loved each other as sisters should," but we see little evidence of that love here. Why does Terri do this horrible thing to Barbara? One of Terri's boyfriends, Ted, thinks he's figured it out. “You ain’t making it in the business," he says, "and you want her to get in and flop on her ass also. In that way you have somebody close to you that you can look down on.” Terri originally rejects this idea, but when she finally accepts it, it's too late to do any good.

The lesson here? Be good to your siblings.

Next: "The Responsibility Game" (1972)