Saturday, October 4, 2014

I'm so fan-cy! You already know!

Gotta say, I am looking buff in this photograph. All those years of inertia have really paid off.

Is there any greater thrill in this life than having parcels delivered to your door? I came home from work today to find a large cardboard box parked in front of my apartment. I already knew what it was: my super-fancy new ionizing tower fan. I am unreasonably excited about this. Let me explain. I just celebrated my 10-year anniversary at my job. It's actually more like eleven, but they don't count the time when I was a temp. Before this job, my all-time record for staying at one place of employment was just under a year. (And that was as a customer service rep. Blergh.) Anyway, as a token of its esteem, the company I work for now lets you pick a prize out of a catalog when you pass a significant milestone. There were watches, golf clubs, headphones, and even tablets in there, but my eyes went straight to the electric fan. You see, I'm one of those people who leaves a fan running pretty much all the time when I'm home, even during the winter. The droning noise helps me get to sleep. When I visit my relatives, I even travel with a mini fan. I've owned a succession of box fans, going all the way back to my adolescent days. The most recent was, until this afternoon, parked somewhat precariously on a desk next to my bed. It'll soon be headed to my storage unit in the basement. There's a new sheriff in town, so to speak. My deluxe new fan has a remote control and a timer and a feature which supposedly "freshens" the air. Plus it looks like one of the lesser droids from Star Wars -- you know, the ones which served as background extras and didn't have fully fleshed-out personalities. I must say, I was also rather amused by the promotional text on the packaging, which reads like free verse. (Note: I will try to preserve the punctuation and capitalization of the original text.)

Why Buy a Fan?
Create a Wind Chill
Circulate Air Conditioning
Bring Fresh Air In
Dispel Stale Air & Odor
Use for Only Pennies a Day
Get Comfortable!

Why use a Tower Fan with Fresh Air Ionizer?
Fresher Air -- the built-in ionizer adds
millions of negative ions to the air,
creating a fresh air feeling
like the great outdoors.

Why does the air feel fresher?
An ionizer generates negative ions
and disperses
them to combat and dispel air pollution.
As the negative ion levels grow, 
the air feels naturally fresher.

Most effective when used
4 feet from Surrounding Walls and Furniture.

Now, I'm pretty sure most of that is L. Ron Hubbard/Dianetics-level bullshit, but I don't really care. It's true to the extent that I believe it. This is my new religion, I guess. Yes, I believe in the "millions of negative ions" even though I can't see them or detect them in any tangible or measurable way. But I still won't be following the "four feet from surrounding walls and furniture" advice. I'm not going to have this thing in the middle of the room like it's the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm clumsy as hell, and I know I'd run into it like Dagwood Bumstead every day. So I'm taking my new three-speed God and placing Him in the corner where he damned well belongs.


  1. Nobody puts Ionizing Tower Fan in a corner.

    1. Oh, god, does that mean I'm going to eventually have to dance to "Time of My Life" with this fan? I don't think I want to lift it over my head.