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| "Can't be a winner every time, hon." - Edith Massey |
What can I say, folks? Every once in a while, even a seasoned professional writer like myself comes up with a loser. A flop. A stink bomb. A turkey. It happens. I'm sure even Jackie Collins had the occasional bad day. Not everything can be Hollywood Wives. And when it happens, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Jackie knew it. I know it.
Some of the stuff I write is purely for my own amusement, but most of it is written to reach an audience, either through this blog or through some online platform that actually pays me. But what is funny or interesting to me is not always funny or interesting to other people. I have learned that lesson many times in the past, and I will learn it many times in the future.
With that said, here are two articles I wrote in hopes of making a sale. Neither one sold, and since they were both time-sensitive, they are no longer relevant or salable. Past their expiration date, both of them. Still in all, I hope that you will either enjoy them or at least learn from my mistakes.
First up is an article about the 2018 midterm elections. Remember those? It's a little thing I like to call...
WHY THIS ROLL OF MASKING TAPE SHOULD BE YOUR NEXT SENATOR
by Joe Blevins
In this turbulent, divisive election year, the political world has never seemed uglier or dirtier. It can be difficult, if not impossible, to find a candidate who is untouched by corruption and who doesn't value party loyalty over the good of the American people.
That's why I'm proud to endorse this roll of masking tape for senate. It's from 3M, and it's an inch wide and 60 yards long. It retails for $3.99 and is good for any number of painting projects you might have around the home.
I think it would make an ideal addition to the 116th United States Congress.
Right away, you may have objections. "That tape was manufactured by 3M!" I hear you shout. "It's a slave to business interests!"
Relax. This roll of tape is not sentient in any way. It cannot hear, see, or think, let alone take orders from any shady corporate paymasters.
"You just said it was $3.99. That means it can be bought!"
And that's true. I bought it myself, in fact. I was going to repaint the kitchen but never got around to it. It's still in the plastic wrap, as fresh and untouched as the day it arrived at Walmart. Again, though, this roll of tape can neither consume nor process information. It is beholden to no one.
"Can it vote on legislation?"
No, it cannot. But, by the same token, it cannot introduce legislation either. In fact, this roll of tape is remarkable for all the things it cannot do. The list is staggering. The roll of tape cannot: collude with anyone, obstruct any investigation, sexually harass anything, make television commercials, politicize any tragedy, flip-flop on any issue, shake hands, kiss babies, cozy up to celebrities, denounce celebrities, write books, or give speeches. If you book this tape as a guest on MSNBC or Fox, it will just sit there and say nothing.
It can, however, create nice clean lines for those painting around baseboards, tiles, or wainscoting.
You might still not be convinced. Let's do a simple visual comparison. Here is a picture of Ted Cruz. Don't panic, ma'am. No cause for alarm. This is just a photograph. As alarming as it is, it cannot hurt you. Okay, now here's a picture of the masking tape. Better, right? Notice the even beige color and smooth, featureless surface of the tape. Isn't that calming? Relaxing? Reassuring? Wouldn't you rather have this tape representing you in Washington?
Let's do another little experiment. Can we bring an intern in here?
Okay, this is Ashleigh. She's a political science major who's "really excited" to be working for an actual United States senator. She's also had four Appletinis and has undone the top four buttons on her blouse at a work-related event because it's "so hot in here." Let's see how our roll of masking tape reacts to this stimulus.
See that? It does nothing! No pawing, no groping, no inappropriate remarks.
Remarkable! I think we're talking presidential timber here.
Thank you, Ashleigh. You can leave now, dear. Yes, you'll be getting college credit for this.
And look what I have here! Why, it's a thumb drive containing damaging and explicit personal information about some top-level government officials. Really perverse stuff, too. This could ruin careers and end marriages. It would sure be a shame if it got into the wrong hands. Let me just dangle it tantalizingly at arm's length.
Oops! I dropped it! Gosh, what a klutz I am today!
And still the roll of masking tape does nothing. Did you see? This tape has integrity. This tape stands for something. This tape is so easy to tear, you don't even need scissors.
Unlike literally every human being running for office in 2018, this roll of masking tape does absolutely everything it claims it will. And nothing else.
So can I count on your vote on November 6? You're literally not going to get a better candidate than this.
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Ha! Such fun, right? Such timely, timely fun! And speaking of fun, here's my take on a brand new movie that was released a week ago.
I HOPE THIS NEW GRINCH MOVIE FINALLY TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT THAT BASTARD
by Joe Blevins
Well, well, well! I see Universal is coming out with a new Grinch movie for the 2018 holiday season. Isn't that nice? A new take on an old favorite, complete with an all-star voice cast! It's a classic tale of redemption, showing us that it's never too late in life to change.
Except for one thing: it's all crap.
For decades, the story of Darrell "The Grinch" Grinchowski has been soft-pedaled in the media, first in Dr. Seuss' 1957 book How the Grinch Stole Christmas, then in a 1966 animated special by Chuck Jones. I thought the phenomenon had peaked with the lavish 2000 film starring Jim Carrey.
I really believed -- hoped, imagined, prayed -- that the Grinch saga was finally over after that. And now, 18 years later, Benedict Cumberbatch comes waltzing into our lives with more Grinch hagiography. Haven't we suffered enough?
When does the madness end, Benedict? When does the madness end?
Let me tell you, I've lived in Whoville all my life, and I can assure you that the Grinch is no beloved pop culture icon here. Sure, you've heard all about the night that the Grinch stole Christmas. But where are his many, many arrests for public urination? His DUIs? That time he sent reams of hate mail to Malala Yousafzai?
He's a foul one, all right.
The cartoon gives the impression that the Grinch lived in total isolation at the top of Mt. Crumpet. But he actually came into town all the time, his breath always reeking of Chivas Regal and menthol cigarettes. He'd stagger up to any woman he met on the street and ask, "Hey, baby, wanna touch my thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole?" And if they slapped him, he'd just laugh. That joke never got old for him. It sure got old for everyone else, though.
A trust fund kid whose parents died under very suspicious circumstances -- I mean, really, how many people drown while feeding goldfish? -- Darrell always had money to throw around. He'd buy Mercedes just so he could crash them into the local synagogue. He liked the symbolism, he said. He really was a heel.
And let's talk about Max, the Grinch's faithful sidekick. An adorable dog, right? No. The real Max was a war orphan that the Grinch purchased through the mail for cheap labor. He had that poor kid schlepping drinks and shaving his back. And he wasn't shy about cracking that whip, I assure you.
Oh, and about that so-called miraculous Christmas. He didn't return everything like you see on TV. I don't know what he did with that stuff he stole, to be honest. I heard he took all those presents, ground them down into a powder, and snorted them while listening to Vanilla Fudge 8-tracks. The people of Whoville eventually settled out of court with his attorneys. It was a class action deal. I still haven't gotten my check.
Anyone else would have gone to prison.
The irony of all this is, Darrell's -- excuse me, the Grinch's -- bad behavior made him even wealthier. With the profits from the book and the cartoon, he was able to buy a place in Malibu with its own private beach and a climate-controlled storage unit for all those Japanese sex dolls he owns. Whatever. Frankly, we in Whoville were just glad to have him gone.
Admittedly, I have not yet seen the new movie. The trailers do not look especially promising, but maybe this film will be different from the other, greatly sanitized portrayals. Universal, this new movie of yours is an opportunity to set the record straight. To tell of the ethnic slurs and the philandering, the binge drinking and the vandalism, that time he got a restraining order from Loni Anderson.
You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch.
The time for lies has ended. The time for truth is now.
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See? Wouldn't that theoretically have been funny a couple of weeks ago?