Thursday, May 9, 2019

Oh dear. It's time for another comics roundup.

"Take that, you judgmental old biddy!"

The comics, like the waterfalls, never stop. That's a big part of their charm, the constancy. Sure, the newspaper industry died at least ten years ago, and the last non-ironic reader of Judge Parker died twenty years ago. But does that mean King Features Syndicate should just stop paying people to write and draw Judge Parker? I hope not.

Anyway, I haven't done one of these comics roundups since February, and they've been building up on my computer, so I figured it was time. Past time, really.

Let's start with something easy, like Beetle Bailey. I saw that General Halftrack was drawn without eyebrows in one panel and then wondered if he'd always lacked eyebrows without my noticing. As an experiment, I decided to see how different brows could change the meaning of what he was saying.

The Gizmo he's referring to is not the one from Gremlins.

That's kind of interesting, right? Maybe not funny exactly, but interesting. That's all I have for Beetle Bailey this time. I don't have much for Blondie either, except for this hideous shot of Dagwood being attacked by a face hugger from Alien.

Or is that just his hair?

Curtis is a strip I rarely cover, but when the title character's dad made this strange expression, I knew I had to do something with it. This is what I did with it.

See, his nostrils are supposed to be like eyes.

Dennis the Menace is a perennial target at this blog and deservedly so. Here, for instance, is the worst thing you could see outside your bedroom window.

"No, folks, please keep going! Don't stop on my account!"

And here's Dennis' useless, spineless eunuch of a father during his punk rock days of the late 1970s.

"No future! No future! Finish your vegetables! No future!"

Adding some much needed levity to Dick Tracy.

You have to imagine the Law & Order noise playing after this.

Lately, Josh Fruhlinger has been covering the comic strip Dustin at his Comics Curmudgeon blog. Every time I see a Dustin strip, I can't resist the urge to rewrite it, getting rid of most of the overabundant dialogue. Here's one example. The punchline is mine. I also considered "You're not my real parents!"

I mean, wouldn't that ruin your dinner?

Here's another rewritten Dustin. This time, I'm including the original so you can compare and contrast. I hope it's obvious which version is mine.

Dustin needs to talk less and listen more. And eat that woman's ass.

What would these articles be without Family Circus? A little bit shorter, for one. I'm still occasionally removing the characters and just leaving the backgrounds. Like so.

No pesky humans getting in the way of these nice furnishings.

And here's that same Family Circus panel in its original form, with only one subtle change made. See if you can spot it.

"I think Mommy's running away with that lady!"

Here's a Garfield. I don't know... he's a dick, I guess?

We already knew that, Garfield.

Gil Thorp is not as fun as it used to be, but few things are. You'd think that Gil would have a better grasp on his job duties by now.

No, that's not Mirror Spock.

As for the aforementioned Judge Parker, the current plot is too difficult for anyone -- even the creators -- to explain. But it's led to some amusing-ish moments, like this.

And wipe that smile off your face.

For no reason at all, here's Judge Alan Parker himself as a California Raisin.

I'm thinking of selling these little figurines.

I was amused by this background extra in The Lockhorns, but I didn't know what to do with him. So I put him on the moon and had him yell at the American flag.

Hope you're happy up there, buddy.

The current Mark Trail storyline is about Mark's elderly father-in-law, Doc, and his search for a long lost gold mine. For some reason, I had the idea of de-aging Doc. Here's how that came out.

Work those sideburns!

Okay, that's pretty lame, I'll admit. But this next Mark Trail parody is one of my favorites that I've ever done.

And the Academy Award goes to...

Ugh. It's time to deal with Marvin. I've tried to do a Garfield Minus Garfield thing where I get rid of Marvin from his own strip, but it never quite works out. As you'll see...

What is that spiky thing in the middle of his potty training seat?

But his mother's seductive pose gave me some additional inspiration. You're welcome, and I apologize.

Her turnoffs include: her husband, her child, and life itself.

Normally, I let Mary Worth go first. But this time, I made her wait her goddamned turn. In the most recent story, Mary's neighbor Estelle has been dabbling in the world of online dating. Naturally, she turned to Mary for some advice beforehand.

And tweezers, I guess.

Mary listened patiently to Estelle, but she gave off a sinister vibe for some reason.

Don't forget to smile!

Mary wasn't sure about this online dating thing, and it began to concern her. But I thought this panel needed a little spice.

In other news, Mary likes to eat big bowls of flour.

Estelle's first date... went poorly.

Truth in sad-vertising.

Estelle's second date... also went poorly.

He brought his own beverages?

Estelle's third date... well, clearly, a pattern is emerging.

I like the collar thingies, though. Nice.

And so it went...

Back and better than ever!

And kept going...

Pretty sure this guy was eating dog food.

Eventually, Estelle thought she found the man of her dreams -- Arthur. Mary had some reservations, though, and expressed them in subtle ways.

That pause could poke someone's eye out!

And Mary was right to throw shade. Arthur was no Prince Charming.

Please bring Aqua Teen Hunger Force back to TV.

Mary was so worried that she even consulted Toby on the matter. But their conversation got off track somehow.

Somewhere, Wilbur's ears are burning.

Arthur turned out to be a scam artist. But don't worry about Estelle. She's holding up great. Really.

That's a misprint. It should say "20 minutes later..."

Oh, man, I have not been updating you on Rex Morgan, MD at all, have I? Well, see, there was this guy...

Hat tip to Young Frankenstein.

And then, like, the guy had a brother.

Hat tip to psychedelic drugs.

I mean, boy oh boy, did this guy have a brother.

We can all relate.

And Rex thought he lost his bag. But then, in a plot twist, he totally didn't. Wild, huh?

There's something trustworthy about that guy.

And Rex's wife -- I think her name is Princess Bumblebee -- filled him in on what he missed when he was on vacation.

No big loss. Their kids suck.

And then, in another plot twist, the Morgans ate breakfast!

Every meal feels like the Last Supper in this household.

I'll leave you with this random-ass Snuffy Smith panel.

And he did. Because he's a good doctor.

That's all I have for you this time around. Please go away now.