Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Loop Odyssey, Part 12 by Greg Dziawer

This dapper gent was the mascot of Germany's Mister Climax series of loops.

It is now generally believed that Edward D. Wood, Jr. "made" the first 19 entries in the notorious Swedish Erotica series of pornographic 8mm loops in the early 1970s, possibly writing and directing these short silent films and almost assuredly writing their subtitles. But this was far from his only participation in the world of loops. Previous articles in this series have explored the likelihood that, at the very least, Ed continued writing subtitles and perhaps even box cover summaries for this series and numerous other short X-rated films. If so, it's an exciting new world of Wood work for fans to study and analyze.

Commonly, the Swedish Erotica series is composed of loops that were either shot stateside—in Los Angeles and, later, San Francisco—or overseas in Denmark. The foreign-made films were acquired via an international co-distribution deal with European porn behemoth Color Climax. Some of the imports, when repackaged for the home market in America, featured subtitles by Ed. And both the domestic and imported Swedish Erotica loops from this era contain subtitles with distinctive earmarks indicating Ed's involvement. That's over 100 loops, released right through 1978!

It was only recently that I realized the full geographical scope of Ed Wood's career in vintage porn. His work was not limited to just Hollywood and Copenhagen. To wit: Swedish Erotica loop #49, "The Elevator." This film was originally produced by a German company called Tonfilm and released in the Mister Climax series as loop #27, "Fahrstulporno," a title that translates roughly as "lift porn."

The cover for "The Elevator" features this summary.

Like many an adult film, "The Elevator" centers around a bespectacled, neurotic nebbish. This stock character, while calcified into stereotype by Russ Meyer's The Immoral Mr. Teas (1959), goes back far beyond that. It's exceptionally well done in this German loop, however. Purely as cinema, the film exceeds the level of artistry of the Bloom-related West Coast loops by a mile and even surpasses the most fastidiously shot and carefully constructed of the Color Climax loops. 

The narrative is as elemental as it gets: lucky guy meets horny girl on the elevator. But, as Meyer acolyte Roger Ebert often said, "A movie is not what it is about but how it is about it." And it is there that "The Elevator" truly shines. Here, at long last, are Ed Wood's subtitles for the film.

Guy: OH, I'M LATE. 

SWE 49 [The graphic splashes across the screen in a split-second, barely noticeable.] 

THE ELEVATOR 

Guy: OH, HURRY UP. [Waiting for the elevator.] 

Guy: GOOD. [The elevator arriving.] 

Guy: GOOD MORNING. [The Girl is about to enter the elevator.] 

Guy: WE'RE STUCK. [Imagine that.] 

Guy: LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO. 

Guy: AND I AM LATE. 

Guy: WE HAVE TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT. 

Guy: HELP!!!! HELP!!!! 

Girl: IT IS HOT IN HERE. [So take off all your clothes.... She undresses to her stockings and garters.] 

Girl: HEY! [Tapping the guy on the shoulder as he futilely attempts to fix the elevator. Is he crazy?] 

Guy: OH, MY GOD. [Seeing her in naked splendor.] 

Girl: HERE, LET ME HELP YOU. 

Girl: COME UP. COME UP. [He looks at his watch as she goes down.] 

Guy: [Holding his face in his hands.] OH, IT IS LATE. IT'S LATE. 

Guy: [Acquiescing.] OH, YOU DO IT SO GOOD. 

The sex scene finally unfolds, sparsely subtitled. 

Girl/Guy: AHHH!!!!!!! [7 exclamation points.] 

Girl/Guy: AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! [13 exclamation points, the upper limit of text-tasy in the loops.] 

Guy: [Exiting the elevator.] GOOD DAY. 

Guy: [Falling in elevator.] OH, FUCK. 

THE END [In Swedish Erotica font, circa 1975.]

Poster for Sheer Panties.

The extant box cover for "The Elevator" is dated 1978, the principal re-release year for the Swedish Erotica series up to that point. Over time, the earlier loops in the SE series were left behind through subsequent formats, though many were rescued by collectors and boutique vintage disc labels. While some faded away, other loops were featured prominently—and literally—in numerous feature films whose selling point was porno chic. Sans subtitles, for instance, "The Elevator"/"Fahrstuhlporno" was next-to-last in 1979's feature length Sheer Panties. This film, comprised entirely of repurposed Swedish Erotica loops, was hosted by legendary Russ Meyer collaborator Kitten Natividad.

For those keeping score on the subtitles, "The Elevator" sports a mere 71 words across 20 lines. At 3.55 words per line, this is one of the sparsest sets of subtitles I've thus far transcribed. 

"The Elevator" is not the only loop from the Mister Climax series to be rebranded stateside as a Swedish Erotica film and given subtitles by Ed Wood. In a future article in this series, we'll take a look at another: the scandalously titled "Schoolgirl's Delight."

In the interim, elevate your mind!

Special thanks to all the anonymous folks in private forums whose devotion to the pioneering era of vintage porn continues to supply me with fresh angles and details that shape my obsession with and understanding of Ed Wood.