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| Let's make just a slight adjustment to this famous title. |
NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's Warm Angora Wishes and Rubber Octopus Dreams (Arcane Shadows Press, 2024).
The story: "Plan 9.1 from Outer Space" by Robert Kokai
Synopsis: The narrator reveals he is in possession of the journal of an evil alien named Belug, the ruler of a race of space vampires who wish to conquer as many planets as possible, including Earth. The journal spans millions of years and details Belug's numerous unsuccessful attempts to take over our world with the questionable assistance of the oafish Space Admiral Torbo and the sexy Yeoman Vampita.
The saga begins circa 67,000,000 B.C. (The author has helpfully converted all the space dates in Belug's journal into earth dates.) The aliens' first two plans fail quickly because of foolish mistakes on Torbo's part. Plan Three at least gets Belug and his crew to Mars, where Torbo successfully wrestles a bear. However, Torbo's numerous, disgusting gastrointestinal problems make the mission unpleasant for everyone on board the flying saucer. The aliens visit Earth but find no humans, only dinosaurs. These "thunder lizards" eat Torbo and Vampita, and Belug is forced to "rebirth" them using his own body.
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| Bela Lugosi as Jesus. |
The project takes a major shift with the ninth and final plan, which goes into action in 1900 A.D. Belug has Torbo and Vampita drop him off on Earth, where he passes himself off as human and becomes a stage actor in Hungary. The alien ruler remains on Earth for decades in this form. He portrays both Jesus Christ and Count Dracula and also serves in the first World War. He then moves to America, where he acts on Broadway and then in motion pictures. By the late 1940s, his career has seen some ups and downs, but Torbo and Vampita have it even worse. They've been captured and detained in a place called Roswell, New Mexico.
By the 1950s, Belug is down on his luck, but he meets and begins working with a young filmmaker named Eddie. The films aren't good, but they give Belug something to do. Circa 1956, something strange happens: Belug becomes invisible. He can still see and hear what's happening, but no one can see or hear him. He wanders the streets of Hollywood for years, touched that people still remember him from his movies.
Excerpt:
I went to the movies today. Son of a bitch! The movie I saw was The Day the Earth Stood Still. It was like watching my life story. Seriously, 67,000,000 years all crammed into an hour and a half. It's the story of this guy from outer space named Klaatu who comes to Earth and lives with the Earth people to study them. That's what I've been doing!
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| Foremost authority Prof. Irwin Corey |
Reflections: "Plan 9.1 from Outer Space" is one of the longer pieces in Warm Angora Wishes, and it's also one of the more difficult stories to review because of its sizable shifts in tone and style. It starts as one kind of story, morphs into another, and ends up as a third. I began to wonder if the author, Robert Kokai, had a game plan in advance when he sat down to write this or if he simply allowed his imagination to wander freely as he improvised this story.
In its early stages, "Plan 9.1" reminded me of the monologues of a comedian called Professor Irwin Corey (1914-2017). You might remember the disheveled, raspy-voiced Corey from his many TV and film appearances, especially on late-night talk shows. He looked like a combination of a country preacher and a mad scientist, and he was billed as "the world's foremost authority." Authority on what, exactly? Well, everything and nothing. He would proceed to give lectures about various topics as if he were some great expert on them, but his speeches/sermons would consist of a lot of silly puns and non sequiturs and wouldn't really convey any useful information.
Robert Kokai starts out in the Irwin Corey mode, pontificating at some length about the big bang and other topics without really communicating anything. Then, once the diary entries commence, the author uses the misadventures of the space vampires as the springboard for some middle-school-level sex jokes about Vampita and some elementary-school-level bodily function jokes about Torbo. But Kokai also uses the journal entries to comment on the follies of the human race, namely our penchant for killing each other with greater and greater efficiency over the centuries.
In its final stages, the story becomes a commentary on the life and career of Bela Lugosi, and it even gives us an origin story for how Bela met Ed Wood and came to be in several of Eddie's movies. Think of it as Ed Wood (1994) on a crash diet. These reflective, bittersweet passages—also reminiscent of David Bowie in The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)—largely abandon the Corwin-esque silliness of the early part of the story and the schoolboy humor of the middle part of the story. That's why I said that "Plan 9.1 from Outer Space" is like three stories in one.
Though I've never met Mr. Kokai, a horror host in his own right, I can only imagine that a conversation with him would be entertaining, exhausting, and largely one-sided. An innocent question like "How are you?" might well provoke a half-hour answer.
Before we leave this story, I would like to point out that "Plan 9.1 from Outer Space" covers some of the same comedic ground as a song called "Plans One Thru Nine" by The Rifftones. I had a vague memory of hearing this song several years ago, but it was the redoubtable Philip R. Frey who helped me identify the title and artist. Thank you!
P.S. We are just ten stories into this anthology, and this is already the third named after Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957). We've previously had "Ridin' the Sunset Trail with the Plan 9 Kid" and "Plan One from Poughkeepsie." I get that Plan 9 is Ed Wood's defining work, but I'd kill for some Bride and the Beast (1955) fanfiction right about now.