Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Set Decoration Odyssey, Part 11 by Greg Dziawer

This week, Greg's got your back.

Classic smut from the past.

I spend a lot of my free time scanning through pornographic loops, specifically the 8mm silent ones shot on the West Coast in the early 1970s. My principal impetus is scoping out the geography where Edward D. Wood, Jr. likely toiled in various capacities.

In previous articles from this series, I've discussed a loop in which Wood himself appears as an actor. I've also transcribed the subtitles of dozens of loops that Eddie feasibly wrote and shared box cover summaries that Ed probably penned. I know a few Woodologists who also suspect that Ed edited some—possibly even many—of these hardcore shorts. We can also be reasonably certain that Ed Wood was present on set for many of these films, serving as what we'd call a director. Note that, other than the performers, there would be roughly three to five people in the crew for these films.

That brings us to an obscure loop called "Sexretary's." At least I think that's the title. That's the way it's listed on the back cover of the 1995 tape compilation All Lesbian Peepshow Shorts #587. The Peepshow Loop series released by Blue Vanities ran past 600 volumes, with a dozen or so loops per volume, from the late '80s right through the demise of the VHS era. It's a staggering collection of adult shorts. Early '70s West Coast loops, hundreds upon hundreds falling into the orbital path of Ed Wood, are a particular staple of the series. 

The ninth loop in the collection, "Sexretary's" opens with a medium shot of actress Alice Friedland sitting behind a zebra-striped table, writing. She's wearing glasses—a rarity for her. A Chinese Guardian Lion sits in front of her, parked on the right side of the screen. Yes, it's one of the same lions that appears in Ed Wood's final directorial feature, The Young Marrieds (1972). There, it's a prop in the bedroom shared by the unhappily wed Ben and Ginny, the latter being another of Alice Friedland's screen roles.

While Alice was a stripper and would soon go on to dance at the fable Body Shop on the Sunset Strip, she would later deny having ever performed hardcore sex on film, despite having done so in The Young Marrieds. And she does likewise in "Sexretary's." The loop consists of two girls having sex. It graphically depicts oral-to-genital contact, digital rubbing and insertion, and finally penetration by dildo.

It looks to me like a late-era Cinema Classics loop, made not long before the arrival of subtitles. "Sexretary's" features editing techniques that were common in films produced by Noel Bloom during this era. For instance, it includes dissolve wipes at both the beginning and end. (Coincidentally, wipes are also prominent in the 1965 Wood-scripted softcore feature Orgy of the Dead.)

Noel headed Cinema Classics, the film offshoot of his dad Bernie's publishing arm, Pendulum. At that time, Eddie's day job was toiling at the publishing firm. He wrote every conceivable kind of text for Bernie—including short stories, photo captions, editorials, and nonfiction articles—with his work appearing in upwards of a thousand adult magazines. Bloom père et fils would rapidly evolve their multimedia porn empire into the mammoth Swedish Erotica brand, in which Ed Wood played a key but overlooked part.

Ed Wood Wednesdays, week 96: The voice of Edward D. Wood, Jr.

This article takes you where we've never taken you before -- into Ed Wood's larynx.

DISCLAIMER: This article is strictly for fun. Apart from one linguistics class in college, I have no training in any of what I'm about to discuss. If you want or need to correct me, please get in touch. This is meant to start a discussion, not settle one.

Performance or party trick?

When an actor portrays a real-life figure from history, he must decide whether or not he is going to do an impression of that person. Audiences have come to expect actors in biopics to mimic the vocal and physical mannerisms of the people they're pretending to be. And it's well known that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has a weakness for uncanny impressions. A few weeks ago, for instance, Renee Zellweger brought home an Oscar for her studied portrayal of Judy Garland in Judy, just as Rami Malek had done a year earlier for channeling Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody.

A lot depends, I suppose, on whether the subject of the biopic is a celebrity (or at least a public figure) and whether there are sufficient audio and video recordings of that person upon which to base a performance. As an example, people know what the real John F. Kennedy looked and sounded like, so an actor portraying JFK is obliged to study the man's speeches and press conferences.

But at what point does this leave the realm of acting and simply become a party trick? If you slavishly imitate every little tic of a real life person, you don't have much opportunity to make the character your own.The great thing about Shakespeare's historical plays is that the people being portrayed in them are long dead. Who's to say what the real Richard III sounded like? The actor, then, has a little more breathing room when it comes to inventing the character.

The question of imitation is one that must have faced nearly every cast member of Tim Burton's 1994 biopic Ed Wood. After all, this is a film about people in show business -- public figures, each and every one -- and there is sound footage of just about all of them. A couple of supporting characters, including Eddie's grouchy boss Mr. Kravitz at Universal and skeptical Mr. Feldman at Warner Bros, are fictional. But just about everyone else is based on an actual human being.

Martin Landau as Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood.

Martin Landau faithfully impersonated Bela Lugosi and won an Oscar for his troubles. Lugosi must be one of the most mimicked actors in Hollywood history, so Landau's path was clear when he took this iconic role. The miracle of that performance is that it does transcend the status of party trick. Even within the confines of doing a Lugosi impression, with his face slathered in makeup by Rick Baker, Landau manages to imbue his character with genuine pathos and vulnerability.

But what of Landau's co-stars? With the exception of George "The Animal" Steele as unintelligible Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson, most of the actors in Ed Wood basically use their own, natural speaking voices. The infamous prognosticator Criswell spoke with a breathy, slightly sing-songy Indiana drawl, but actor Jeffrey Jones simply gives him a deep, stentorian tone. Late in the film, Burton uses some archival audio from Plan 9 from Outer Space and we get to hear the melodious voice of the real Criswell. The difference is a little jarring. If you'd only seen Ed Wood and not Plan 9, you might not know this is supposed to be the same guy.

Similarly, when Sarah Jessica Parker says the name "Glen," she doesn't elongate it to "Glee-yun" the way Dolores Fuller did. Notoriously, Parker opted not to spend any time with Fuller while preparing for Ed Wood. But I can't say that it would have mattered much. Max Casella did meet Paul Marco, yet it didn't really affect Casella's performance in any noticeable way, at least not audibly. Elsewhere in the film, Lisa Marie and Bill Murray sound more like themselves than they sound like, respectively, Vampira and Bunny Breckinridge.

A special exception must be made for Vincent D'Onofrio as Orson Welles. His entire performance was post-dubbed by cartoon voice mainstay Maurice LaMarche, whose Welles impression is legendary. Burton must have felt that this was a case in which the public would expect a spot-on impersonation of a celebrity's voice. For what it's worth, D'Onofrio reprised the role of Orson Welles in a 2005 short called Five Minutes, Mr. Welles and provided his own voice.

But at the center of this film is Johnny Depp in the title role. Johnny obviously found a voice for the character, but was it anything like Eddie's real voice? Well, let's refresh our memories a little. Here is the real Ed Wood talking for four and a half minutes straight. I've taken this audio from two sources: the 1953 film Glen or Glenda and the 1974 trailer for Fugitive Girls. This way, you get to compare and contrast Eddie's voice from two different eras of his life. I think that, in the Fugitive Girls voice-over,  you hear the accumulative effects of 21 years of rotgut whiskey and California smog in Eddie's delivery.

So, having listened to that, how would you describe Ed Wood's voice?

 In the Glenda excerpts, he sounds low, smooth, and gentle. I'd say that Eddie's voice is oral rather than nasal and almost musical in nature, marked by occasional quick inhalations of air and a slight sighing tone. His accent is vaguely East Coast, but I don't hear any traces of the stereotypical "New York" accent. Ed is definitely a rhotic speaker, meaning he pronounces his r's in words like "before" and "after." If a word starts with h, he'll propel it forward with a little extra breath, as in "I hope not. I really hope not."

By the time of Fugitive Girls, Eddie's voice had a little more grit to it, and his diction was less precise. Most English speakers pronounce the word "girls" with a z sound at the end, i.e. "gurlz." When Eddie pronounces it, he ends the word with a hissing sound: "gurlssss." The musicality was still there in his voice, though, perhaps even more so than in Glenda.

The truly strange thing is that Ed Wood's voice is very recognizable to me by now, yet I'm having difficulty describing or categorizing it. If I were trying to do an impersonation of Eddie, I wouldn't know where to start. Ed's voice is tough to pin down, let alone mimic.

Given that, I'd say Johnny Depp captures the essence of Ed Wood's personality without doing a precise imitation of the man. Depp has cited numerous inspirations for the voice he gives to Eddie. In this interview, he describes the character as an amalgam of Ronald Reagan, Casey Kasem, and Jack Haley's Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. Meanwhile, he denies the longstanding rumor that the voice is based on Jon Lovitz's lying "Tommy Flanagan" character from Saturday Night Live. "I wouldn't be that blatant," Depp explains.

I'd like to suggest another, perhaps subliminal influence on Johnny Depp's performance. Obviously, in prepping for this film, he must have watched Glen or Glenda numerous times. About six minutes into the film, there's a voice-over monologue delivered by Patrick/Patricia, the suicidal cross dresser played by Walter "Mr. Walter" Hadjwiecyz. ("The records will tell the story.") I've assembled a brief side by side comparison, so you can hear how Johnny Depp talks in Ed Wood and how Patrick/Patricia talks in Glen or Glenda. Listen for the little tremble in the voice and the intimate, almost whisper-like tone.



I don't know if Walter Hadjwiecyz recorded that voice-over himself or simply played the part of the dead body. But I don't think it's too fanciful to suggest that the monologue had an influence on the way Johnny Depp played Ed Wood.

By the way, if any of this article interests you, I'd suggest you check out a series of videos made by Wired featuring Hollywood dialect coach Erik Singer. They offer a truly astonishing breakdown of various actors portraying real-life people. So far, Erik hasn't gotten to Ed Wood. Here's hoping, though.

Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Woodologist Odyssey, Part 5 by Greg Dziawer

Angel Scott poses in front of 6383 Yucca St. in late 2019.

As I continue obsessing over Edward D. Wood, Jr., my research has led me to cross paths with a number of folks who, like me, are more than just casual fans of the writer-director. The most seriously afflicted of these people can even be affectionately termed Woodologists.

Being a Woodologist means possessing not only an abiding interest in Ed's life and work but also a desire to learn more about Ed than we previously knew. Most critically, a Woodologist will take action to learn more.

I first encountered Angel Scott in a private Ed Wood forum on Facebook. She self-describes as a fan of Ed—both his films and his writings—and is interested in learning more about Ed as a person. She humbly admits that she has no educational background in film or the arts but enjoys studying these subjects in her free time.

Angel is also a pastor/chaplain to people of different faith backgrounds, especially those at end of life. "I knew I would work with end of life from early on," she told me. "I didn't choose it. God planted me there. And I at times find joy. Sadness. Laughter. I get to meet some really cool people."

She made the pilgrimage to Hollywood late last year to visit locations associated with Ed and is currently writing a book about him.

Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Set Decoration Odyssey, Part 10 by Greg Dziawer

This week, Greg takes a look at a rare Rene Bond loop from 1971.

Never a dull moment in 1971?

On October 12,1892, American schoolchildren began reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in classrooms for the first time. Seventy-nine years later to the day, Rod Stewart's "Maggie May" topped singles charts around the world, its lyrics ironically referring to a young man missing school to be with an older lover. Funny how values change over time.

But October 12, 1971 was a day like any other at a building that stood at 7428 Santa Monica Blvd. in Hollywood. At the time, a small studio was situated there, run by talent agent and cinematographer Hal Guthu. For Ed Wood obsessives, Hal's name doubtless rings a bell. He served as the cinematographer on two pornographic features directed by Ed, Take It Out In Trade (1970) and Necromania (1971). Interiors for both of those films were shot at Guthu's studio, as well as hundreds of silent 8mm loops destined to be exhibited in peepshow arcades or in the privacy of customers' homes.

I've spent a lot of time identifying the set decorations that were common to those features. These same decorations also turn up in another of Wood's late-career porno flicks, The Young Marrieds (1972), and they're ubiquitous in numerous other West Coast loops of the era, many of which likely featured some involvement by Ed Wood.

That day in October 1971, prolific adult film actress Rene Bond, the female protagonist in Necromania, arrived at Hal's studio to shoot a loop punningly titled "Lady 'Dike'tor." Guthu was Rene's agent and friend, so the actress worked at Hal's studio often. He rented out his sets to a variety of film companies. It was a smart setup by Hal, with multiple revenue streams. He provided both the girls and the sets, and he could even get behind the camera if needed. His clients shooting there that day were a pair of unknown and forgotten filmmakers, director Herb Redd and cameraman Marv Ellis.

In fact, Redd and Ellis' names might have been lost to time entirely if two of the loops they shot at Hal's studio that day hadn't survived, containing the original clapperboards at the head of the reels. I recently spotted "Lady 'Dike'tor," featuring a pre-breast-enhancement Rene Bond (another clue this is 1971), as the first loop on the Blue Vanities compilation All Lesbian Peepshows #562, released in 1994. A vast trove of vintage loops from the era, the Blue Vanities compilation series started in the '80s and ran to well over 600 volumes, eventually totaling upwards of ten thousand loops. It's a lot to sift through, admittedly, but over and over I always find some little gem connected to Ed Wood.

I was happy to note, for instance, that "Lady 'Dike'tor" was shot on the very same set as the climax of The Young Marrieds. The same blue wall is adorned by recognizable set decs like the lion's head door knocker that greets visitors to Madame Heles' abode in Necromania. And perhaps most awesome of all, as I have rarely seen it elsewhere, the white brick fireplace prop is visible at the right edge of frame.

Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Sailboat Odyssey, Part 2 by Greg Dziawer

Comedy legend Lenny Bruce glowers in Dance Hall Racket.

Young Lenny in the Navy.

While serving in the Navy during WWII, Leonard Alfred Schneider saw battle in North Africa and at Anzio. Lenny was only 16 when he joined the military in 1942. Serving 30 months during the height of the war on the USS Brooklyn, he would, despite his distinguished service, find himself on the bad side of the brass after a comedic performance for his shipmates in 1945, dressed in drag. Citing homosexual feelings and tendencies he experienced while at sea, he fought for and ultimately won an honorable discharge. It was neither the first nor the last time that Lenny Bruce would offend social norms.

Born in Poughkeepsie, NY, just two hours north of Lenny's birthplace in Long Island, Edward Davis Wood, Jr. likewise dropped out of high school and joined the military in 1941. He, too, served at sea, across the Pacific. Despite his personal mythmaking that he was a war hero, unlike Lenny, Ed never went to battle. Also unlike Lenny, he was an actual transvestite. 

East Coast boys sharing a yen to perform and entertain and "be somebody," Ed Wood and Lenny Bruce were both born in mid-October, albeit a year apart. Ed was born on October 10, 1924, and Lenny on October 13, 1925. After the war, their ambitions led both men to Hollywood, and in 1953, both would land at Quality Studios, a facility run by W. Merle Connell. 

With offices across the street, producer George Weiss often utilized the sets at Quality, as well as tapping Connell's filmmaking ability. While these partners focused upon burlesque shorts, they also made features. Released through Weiss' company Screen Classics, Test Tube Babies (1948) was among the first, featuring actor Timothy Farrell as the empathetic but firm Dr. Wright, who counsels poor, sterile George Bennett (William Thomason) about artificial insemination. Glen or Glenda (1953), written by, directed, and starring Ed Wood, includes interiors shot at Quality and was produced by George Weiss and released by Screen Classics. Its cast again features Timothy Farrell, this time as a very similar character named Dr. Alton.

Later in 1953, George Weiss hired Lenny Bruce to write the screenplay for the feature Dance Hall Racket. Interiors were shot at Quality, with Timothy Farrell playing ultra-scumbag Umberto Scalli, a role he played in two other Screen Classics productions. Lenny portrays his strongarm (not like Scalli needs one), the psychotic Vincent. And just as Ed cast his significant other Dolores Fuller in the key role of Barbara in Glen or Glenda, Lenny's wife Honey is featured in Dance Hall Racket. Even Lenny's mom, dancer Sally Marr, makes an appearance. It's also worth noting that Dance Hall Racket was directed by Phil Tucker of Robot Monster (1953) infamy, the only serious contender to Ed's station as the supposed worst filmmaker of all time.

(from l to r) Lenny Bruce, the sailboat painting, and Timothy Farrell.

I've previously noted the presence of the same sailboat painting in the background in Test Tube Babies, Glen or Glenda, and other films. In Glenda, for instance, it hangs above Glen's head as he talks to Barbara in his apartment. In the manner of 19th century French Impressionism, the painting most closely resembles Claude Monet's series of paintings of the red boats at Argenteuil. Having only spotted this painting in B&W films thus far, I have no idea if the boats are actually red. In any event, the painting appears more often in Dance Hall Racket than in any film I've seen yet, often hanging above Lenny's head.

While Lenny would garner fame as a boundary-pushing stand-up comedian, he paid the ultimate price and overdosed on narcotics at the age of 40 in 1966, outlived by even Elvis. Ed Wood, himself an addict to alcohol, would toil away invisibly in West and North Hollywood for more than a decade before greeting his future. Eddie managed to make it to 54.

As an avid fan of pop culture, Ed must have been familiar with the TV show M*A*S*H (1972-1983). Not only was it a big hit at a time when a big hit meant everyone was aware of it, but the show's subject matter was war. And, of course, there was the character of Corporal Klinger (played by Jamie Farr), one of the first transvestite characters on mainstream TV. Word on the street is that the character of Klinger was based upon a real guy: Lenny Bruce.

You can watch Dance Hall Racket here at Amazon Prime, or here, and at lots of other places.

Ed Wood Wednesdays: The Wood Set Decoration Odyssey, Part 9 by Greg Dziawer

The former site of Hal Guthu's studio on Santa Monica Blvd. in Hollywood.

The panther painting in Hetero Sexualis

A black velvet painting of a panther creeping down a staircase makes a memorable appearance in the Ed Wood-scripted-and-directed porn feature Necromania (1971). This artwork is one of many set decorations I've identified across various early '70s sex films, including both features and short 8mm loops, that indicate the interiors were shot at the studio of Hollywood talent agent and cinematographer Hal Guthu.

A significant landmark in the West Coast porn scene, Guthu's much-used studio stood at 7428 Santa Monica Blvd., today an empty lot between a Thai restaurant and a long-defunct pool supply business. Ed Wood shot his last three known features as a director there: the aforementioned Necromania, plus Take It Out In Trade (1970) and The Young Marrieds (1972). In fact, Guthu is credited as the cinematographer on both Trade and Necromania. Ed surely knew him well, but he was far from the only filmmaker to shoot on Hal's sets.

Believe it or not, until last week, I'd gone nearly two years without spotting the panther painting... and then it jumped out at me. Curiously, my most recent spotting of the panther was in a film I'd already seen approximately four years ago. At the time, I was only beginning to notice corresponding items in the backgrounds of Ed's adult features and loops. My eye was not yet fully trained to watch the backgrounds of scenes rather than the action. The set decorations were not so much meant to be seen as to provide an unobtrusive semblance of everyday reality. 

These days, the backgrounds tend to be my principal focus, at least when I'm watching early '70s West Coast sex films from the Wood orbit. For me, the recurring set decorations serve as evidence that a particular film was shot at Guthu's studio. In addition, many of the common items, including a pair of Chinese Guardian Lions, are also ephemeral representations of their era, and they're just plain cool to see for a kid like me who grew up in the '70s.

As it happens, the film where I saw the panther painting again recently was Hetero Sexualis (1973), a softcore romp edited, written, produced, and directed by John Hayes. The panther painting shows up in the background just four and a half minutes into the film and appears often throughout the running time. The distinctive artwork gets far more screen time here than it does in other productions!

A native New Yorker, Hayes was an intriguing filmmaker with his own strange and distinctive touch. His first film, a winsome 1958 short called The Kiss, was even nominated for an Academy Award, kicking off a varied career that lasted through the mid-1980s. If you like oddball '70s exploitation films, you'll enjoy Hetero Sexualis. The cast includes the legendarily pulchritudinous Candy Samples, who also appears in two Ed-scripted films directed by Stephen C. Apostolof: Drop Out Wife (1972) and The Cocktail Hostesses (1973). Also appearing is eccentric character actor Michael Pataki, who had a prolific career in mainstream film and television for decades. Hetero Sexualis gives him one of his oddest and most substantial roles ever.

Meanwhile, in addition to providing the best views I've yet seen of the total layout of Guthu's studio, this film features even more familiar set decorations than just the panther painting. Two and a half minutes in, for instance, a familiar piece of bronze statuary can be glimpsed on the floor in the lower left corner of the frame. It's the same fountain-shaped decorative piece that pops up occasionally in Ed Wood's films. You can see it early in Necromania on the floor of Madame Heles' place when Rene Bond and Ric Lutze first enter. And a pair of these statues appear in Take It Out In Trade: The Outtakes, accompanying the travel poster closeups.

The bronze statue in (from left to right): Hetero Sexualis, Necromania, and Take It Out in Trade: The Outtakes.

Ed Wood Wednesdays, week 95: A review of Ed Wood's "From Birthday Suits to Shrouds" (1971)

Despite its ghoulish title, this story is mostly about clothing.

Blenders do more than blend.

A good blender does not just blend. It also stirs, chops, grinds, mixes, purees, and liquefies. It serves multiple purposes in order to justify its existence. And so, too, must a professional writer, especially a freelancer who needs to sell his work quickly and regularly.

Fittingly, then, Edward D. Wood, Jr. had multiple modes or settings as an author. He could be salacious, explicit, ghoulish, sadistic, grim, gritty, dreamy, wistful, woozy, philosophical, even darkly humorous. Whatever the subject matter demanded of him,  really. But of all Eddie's modes, there is none closer to my heart than "professorial." This is the style he adopts when his ostensible goal is to educate or enlighten his audience.

How do I explain this mode? Well...

In a 2000 episode of The Simpsons called "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses," lifelong alcoholic Barney Gumble is horrified to see footage of himself getting drunk at a party and lecturing a clearly uncomfortable Lisa, age 8, about his vision of an afterlife where everyone is segregated by nationality. ("I'm just sayin' that when we die, there's gonna be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier.") The child backs as far away from him as possible on the couch where they are both seated. When she says Barney is upsetting her, he assures her that he isn't. This does not help.

"Gee," Barney remarks to Homer while reviewing the embarrassing tape, "is that what I look like when I'm drunk?"

"You wish!" Homer cheerfully replies. "That's the stage we call 'Professor Barney' -- talkative, coherent, even insightful! Here's drunk!"

Homer then advances the tape to a truly humiliating scene in which a completely blitzed, delusional Barney dresses up as Marge and falls over the banister and onto the floor, where he proceeds to lick spilled alcohol out of the shag carpeting. Not a proud moment, even by the low standards of Springfield.

Ed Wood Wednesdays, week 94: "Trucking's a Ball" (1974)

The kind of lovely lass that any long haul trucker might meet along the way.

Fans who know Edward D. Wood, Jr. through his relatively innocent early films may tend to think of the man himself as purely a relic of the 1950s. File him alongside poodle skirts, tail fins, hula hoops, and Davy Crockett hats. The 1994 biopic Ed Wood reinforces this quaint, cozy image. The film's timeline is deliberately vague, but its action is largely confined to the 1950s, while the B&W cinematography gives the entire production the glow of Eisenhower era nostalgia. In this way, naïve Eddie is preserved in amber, like those insects in Jurassic Park.

But those who followed the man's career into the 1960s and '70s understand that, whether he wanted to or not, Ed Wood was forced to adapt to the rapidly evolving world around him just to stay employed. The times, they were a-changin', and they certainly didn't make an exception for Eddie. And so, in Ed Wood's later work, you'll find hippies, LSD, women's libbers, scuzzy biker gangs, miniskirts, antiwar protesters, acid rock, etc. All the signposts of those turbulent times.

And now we come to this week's article, another supposed "non-fiction" job for which Eddie clearly did no research. It's his wild take on one of the most memorable fads of the 1970s. Really, you can't get much more 1970s than what follows.

Vintage trucker magazine from 1972

The story: "Trucking's a Ball," originally published in Fantastic Annual (Gallery Press, 1974). Anthologized in Short Wood: Short Fiction by Edward D. Wood, Jr. (Ramble House, 2009). Credited to "Dick Trent."

Synopsis: Women's tastes have changed over the years. While they used to prefer neat, well-groomed young men, now they search out hairy, smelly roughnecks for companionship. In particular, they are attracted to long haul truck drivers. When hitchhiking, young women will often disregard late model passenger cars and wait instead for a trucker to drive past in his big rig. Some ladies are so anxious to get close to truckers that they'll even take jobs as waitresses in truck stops.

Ladies seek these truck drivers out solely for sex, rather than money or marriage. Many of these horny truck drivers are married, but they're away from home so long that they must fulfill their sexual desires somehow. And that's where these women enter the picture, gladly servicing the men and even staying with them on the road for hundreds of miles. The author cautions against too much hanky panky while driving, however. Better to find a rest stop along the way.

Wood trademarks: Supposed reportage of changing sex habits in America (cf. "College Cherries," "College Interview"); lots of ellipses (Ed's trademark punctuation); dubious euphemism for sexual intercourse (in this case, "getting your gun off"); anti-hippie sentiment (cf. Death of a Transvestite, "The Devil Collects His Dues"); reference to feet being "encased" (cf. Glen or Glenda); "quiver" (cf. "Insatiable," "Calamity Jane," "The Unluckiest Man in the World"); girls' sweaters (cf. Glen or Glenda, many stories in Blood Splatters Quickly and Angora Fever); "pink clouds" (cf. "Tears on Her Pillow," "Never Up - Never In," Devil Girls); use of color pink in general (cf. "2 X Double"); tongues (cf. "Tom of Finland's Circus," "The Responsibility Game," "Cease to Exist"); "manhood" (cf. "The Last Void," "Cease to Exist"); naughty pun in the title (cf. "Missionary Position Impossible," "Captain Fellatio Hornblower").

Excerpt: "This is the kind of girl who honestly believes that any well dressed, cleaned up man is built like a small child. The only men left in the world who is built big enough to satisfy them is the trucker. And it isn't only his penis that they long for. It's the man smell. The tough, rough man smell that seems to come off to them as all male… and these girls want only that… all male."

Reflections: There had been songs and films about long haul truckers since at least the late 1930s, most of them portraying the profession in a sympathetic light, but the trucker didn't truly assume the role of pop culture icon until the 1970s. That's when "Convoy" by C.W. McCall topped the charts, movies like Smokey and the Bandit and White Line Fever appeared in movie theaters, and prime time played host to rambunctious shows like B.J and the Bear and Movin' On. For a few years there, truckers were hot. There were even board games and action figures for the kids!

Who knows, in retrospect, why these fads occur? It was really the convergence of many factors. In films and songs of the era, truckers were often shown to be at odds with the police, so they had an air of anti-authority cool to them. But they were in the transportation business to make money, so they weren't some unpatriotic commies. As Ed Wood points out in this article, truckers were expected to be grungy and hairy in appearance, but they were also tough and physical, not like  those namby-pamby pacifist hippies on college campuses. I think it's significant, too, that truckers had their own culture that was separate and distinct from that of the mainstream. Truck drivers had a rich variety of slang, for instance, as lovingly depicted in "Convoy," plus their own hangouts and fashions.

Typically, Ed Wood focuses on the sexual aspects of the phenomenon. Always obsessed with gender roles, Eddie depicts truckers as hyper-masculine -- a new paradigm, in fact, for sheer manliness. It's only natural that sexually active young women will all but fling themselves at every 18-wheeler that comes into view. What's semi-miraculous here is that Ed does not judge these lusty trucker groupies who hop from driver to driver in search of pleasure. They're just going after what they truly want. And what's so wrong about that?