Saturday, September 11, 2010

A plea to aging, fragile celebrities from Wayne Kotke

"I got 99 problems but a bench ain't one."

Ah, celebrities... every worthy charitable cause needs them. Where would the homeless be without Comic Relief? Or America's farmers without Farm Aid? Or whatever the heck "We Are the World" was for without "We Are the World"? I think by now you can see my point: charitable causes need famous people! And the living impaired rights movement is no different. Yes, sir, we need stars and we need 'em now. Of course, I have thrown my questionable, Internet-based semi-fame behind this desperate cause, but I think Dead 2 Rights really needs someone with a more broad-based appeal, i.e. a star you might actually see on TMZ or at least the Enquirer.

But here's the rub! It's not enough for a celebrity merely to wear a Dead 2 Rights t-shirt, participate in a Living Impaired Rights rally, or plaster a "Wayne Kotke" bumper sticker on the back of a limo. While those things are all great and would be most welcome, what I really want is for an aging, fragile celebrity to actually die and come back as a living impaired individual. I think that would really help change people's minds. People run from us now, but they might be more inclined to stop and listen to what we have to say if they recognized our faces. So come on, aging and fragile celebrities, what do you say? When your time is up, we'd love to have you on our team.


1. Abe Vigoda

Anyone for a second helping of Fish?

2. Cloris Leachman

Here's your chance to show up Betty White once and for all!

3. Hugh Hefner

It wasn't like you were getting into Heaven anyhow. Why not spend your afterlife with us?

4. Zsa Zsa Gabor

We're ready when you are, dahling.


So there you have it. Please, celebrities, climb aboard the Dead 2 Rights bandwagon. You won't regret it. In any other cause, you'd be just another star latching on to a trendy issue, and you'd have to fight for valuable camera time with a bunch of other A-List hotshots with raging egos. But you wouldn't have that problem with Dead 2 Rights. We have no celebrities on our side yet. Think of the possibilities! You'd be right up front, in the limelight, center stage! This is a brilliant way to continue your career even after death.

Think it over. I'll be waiting.


  1. Unfortunately, these celebs aren't going to have much pull with the younger demographic. What you need is for someone with a youth following like Robert Pattinson to pull a James Dean, but then come back as LI. Don't get me wrong; I'm not wishing Mr. Pattison an untimely death, no sir. I'm just saying I know a guy who can make things happen. You know. MSG me.

  2. Not much pull with the younger demographic? Are you kiddin'? Zsa Zsa Gabor was the #1 internet search for days and days when we all thought she was dying. Chloris Leachman was on that Comedy Central Roast and Dancing With the Stars. Hugh Hefner? He's everywhere these days from Weezer videos to movies like "Miss May" and the reality show "Girls Next Door." And Abe Vigoda remains an eternal favorite, thanks to his appearances on "Conan O'Brien." I specifically chose older celebs that have stayed current and relevant.