|Satirical sculpture by Chinese artist Chen Wenling|
The Internet is nothing if not a playground of guilty pleasures. And one of mine, I will admit, is browsing through those long lists of haphazardly-collected one-liners and (often incorrectly attributed) quotations from famous comedians, politicians, writers, etc. I think the beauty of these lists is that they allow you to feel profound and witty without actually having to do any real thinking yourself. They're thoughts ready to think! All the heavy lifting, so to speak, has been done for you. And so, dearest readers, that is what I am offering you today -- a smorgasbord of borrowed ideas and predigested notions, several of which have appeared on bumper stickers and t-shirts. I have at least tried to offer these quotes in an organized, readable fashion and have even corrected a few egregious spelling and attribution errors.
Ready? Good. Now let's begin.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
The web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire," and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
- Richard Jeni
RELIGIOUS WARS: People murdering each other over who has the real imaginary friend.
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
If order = chaos, and chaos = order, then what the hell did I order?
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
I'm the one who's gonna have to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.
- Jimi Hendrix
I do not take drugs. I am drugs.
- Salvador Dali, Diary of a Genius, 1966
If the doors of perception were cleansed
Everything would appear to man as it is... infinite
For man has closed himself up
Till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern
- William Blake
The difference between us and Helen Keller is that she knew she was deaf and blind.
- Tom Robbins
When I hear some sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
-Sydney J. Harris
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the mobius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Steven Wright
Life is far too important a thing to ever talk seriously about.
- Oscar Wilde
They say,"Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day, But teach a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime." What they failed to tell you was he'll only eat fish!
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
The Dragon eats Fruit!
- Seth Lipton
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
- Dr. E. Kersten
Sleep is no substitute for coffee.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
- The Old Farmer's Almanac
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Life is like a simile.
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
Help put the "fun" back in dysfunctional!
Will the deity who nailed the KOSMIC KARMIC KICK ME sign to my back kindly remove it?
Some people live life in the fast lane. I live in oncoming traffic.
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed for the same reason.
That which does not kill you might just be... toying.
The Goddess does not seek worship. She rejoices in being vividly imagined.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
Famous Last Words: "I think it's dead..."
Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.
Its a condescending thing, dear. You wouldn't understand.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME!
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
A Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi, a Feminist, an Irishman, a Jew, an Elephant, and a Gorilla walked into a bar. The Bartender said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Any book worth banning is a book worth reading!
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
Hit any key. With what?
The quality of a relationship is more important than the gender of the people in it.
To err is human, but it feels divine.
- Mae West
Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.
I was here. Where were you? Back soon.
They aren't broken, they're...uh...modular.
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
It may look like I'm doing nothing but on a cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Entropy requires no maintenance
Klaatu Barada Nikto!
Five days a week, my body is a Temple. The other two, it's an Amusement Park
Normal? Normal is a setting on my dryer.
We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing anything with nothing
With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?
No... killing is more of a hobby with me.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone gave up violence forever? I could conquer the whole planet with a butter knife!
There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
It's OK to laugh during sex. Just don't point.
If you're going down in flames, you might as well hit something big!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book
- Groucho Marx
Evolution -- life's a niche, and then you die
The reality you have dialed is not in service. Please check the value of pi or consult your local deity.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from.
I'll get a life when someone convinces me that it would be better than what I have now!
I am very interested in the future because I plan to spend the rest of my life there.
Live Faust, Die Jung
My mind isn't always in the gutter. Sometimes it comes out to feed.
The gods love heroes. They also love a good laugh. Think about it.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Sex is only dirty if it's done right.
You could be replaced by an infinite number of monkeys.
555 --- The number of the wannabeast
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
- Mae West
Fantasy isn't our crutch. It's arcane.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Ancient Chinese curse: May you live in interesting times!
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
- Maxwell Smart
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
- Abraham Lincoln
Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Rehab is for quitters.
A good pun is its own reword.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol!
Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil"s Dictionary
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
- Collis P. Huntingdon
The Anarchists' anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races." Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
- Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist"s Almanac
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
- A. Lincoln
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Q. What is the death rate around here?
A. One per person.
A. One per person.
All flesh is Grass.
-The Book of Isiah
Smoke a friend today!
All I ask is the chance to prove that money won't make me happy!
All my life, I wanted to BE someone. I guess I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner
Avoid Conflicting Drugs.
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
- Ashley Montague
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!
The Incredible Frog-Boy is on the loose again!
- "Weird Al" Yankovic
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
- The Brigadier, Dr. Who
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your mistress."
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
- Samuel Goldwyn
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow
Entropy takes no effort.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
- Eric Hoffer
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
- J. P. McEvoy
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.
- Alan Ashley-Pitt
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
- G. B. Shaw
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Periodically submerge yourself in the grim realities of reality and crawl from the filth a bit wiser for the experience. Assure yourself sanctity is in the shower even if you never lose the dirt
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!
23rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr Segmentation violation. Core dumped.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin
Blood is thicker than water. Tastier, too.
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- Mae West
...And someday, they will have computers the size of houses, with millions of vacuum tubes, doing thousands of computations per minute!!!
What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite.
- Bertrand Russell, Skeptical Essays, 1928
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Adlai Stevenson
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
- Sherlock Holmes
Common sense is what tells us the earth is flat.
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before!
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
- Ogden Nash
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for, it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizarrely inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened..."
- Douglas Adams, Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Give a monkey a brain and he'll swear he's the center of the universe.
It's always best to have good manners, or at least fast reflexes.
Time is a plaything for children and fools.
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three, and paradise is when you have none.
- Doug Larson
Pain looks good on other people; that's what they're for.
Love's as good as soma!
Of course I still love you. Now stop whining and let me shoot you.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!
Nice computers don't go down.
We are sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone ninety degrees and try again.
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
'Twas Brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.
You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
Klein bottle for sale. Inquire within.
Any given program, when running, needs debugging. Any debugged program is obsolete.
"But we'll never survive!"
"Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."
-The Dread Pirate Wesley The Princess Bride
Horniness is a quintessential example of hope.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- Jack Handey
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist is afraid that it is.
Bad things come to those who wait, too.
A little madness now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Hey, you've got a third eye! Uh, never mind... it's just a spot of dirt in the middle of your forehead.
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, while it does big things badly, does small things badly too.
I just like to say quark. Quark, quark, quark, quark, quark...
I intend to live forever or die trying.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item.
If you can't see the fnords, they can't eat you.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.
All Hail Discordia!
First I must sprinkle you with fairy dust...
For further information, consult your pineal gland.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
This, too, shall pass.
Strike any user to continue.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
If Goddess had intended humans to smoke, She would have set them on fire.
Profanity: the single language in which all programmers are expert.
Interfere? Of course we'll interfere! Always do what you're best at, I always say!
- Dr. Who Nightmare of Eden
Confidence: a feeling peculiar to the stage just before full comprehension of the problem.
There are trivial truths and there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
- John Cleese
If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for a day.
But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he'll have headaches for the rest of his life.
What a useless scroll, all it says is "Hastur Hastur Hastur" over and over again.
Great Googly Moogly!
You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling.
If firefighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crimes, what do freedom fighters do?
I'm here with you because you remind me of you! Your lips, your hair, your eyes, everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good!
- Groucho Marx, A Night at the Opera
But then again, the King was a putz.
If you think you know what the Hell is going on, you are probably full of shit.
- R. A. Wilson (maybe)
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Preventative maintainence is the key to any interstellar terrorist campaign!
If an infinite number of rednecks fired an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they would eventually create all the great works of literature in braille.
The following statement is true.
The preceding statement was false.
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
Bullshit makes the flowers grow, and that's beautiful.
Answer hazy. Try again later.
I hate quotations.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.
- Neil Armstrong
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?
- Kelvin Throop III
Infinty bottles of beer on the wall
Infinity bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around,
Infinity bottles of beer on the wall!
Repeat until dead
Repeat until dead
This is a test, it is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, we would have fled in panic, and you would not have been informed.
All generalizations are wrong.
All fanatics must die!!!
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..."
- Isaac Asimov
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do the drive-thru instant teller machines have braille instructions?
Remember: Silly is a state of mind. Stupid is a way of life.
- Dave Butler
Be nice to other people:
They outnumber you five billion to one.
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
- Rod Serling
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
A Discordian is anyone who is willing to look at the windmills and concede that they might be giants.
It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.