Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "Did You Ever Know...?" (1973)

This is a real, solvable word search. Get to it!

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "Did You Ever Know...?" Originally published in Party Time (Gallery Press), vol. 2, no. 3, 1973. Credited to Dick Trent.

Excerpt: "Now supposing you're already for your sexual PARTY TIME and you've had the sexual heats all week thinking about it. You've even selected the partner you want to make the whole scene with . . . and what are you going to say to her (him)? The bet is two to one it will be the same old four letter words which have been written over and over again in all the books and on the crap-house walls."

Reflections: Do you remember that song "Big Time" by Peter Gabriel? It was on his 1986 album So, along with "Red Rain," "Sledgehammer," and "In Your Eyes." Man, that album was a monster for Peter Gabriel, huh? Anyway, "Big Time" contains a verse that applies itself very well to today's article:

The place where I come from is a small town.
They think so small. They use small words.
But not me! I'm smarter than that! I worked it out.
I've been stretching my mouth to let those big words come right out.

Now that I think of it, that entire song describes Ed Wood's mindset fairly accurately. With a population of 30,000, Eddie's birthplace of Poughkeepsie, NY is not exactly a "small town," especially by the standards of the United States Census. That is, until you compare it to Los Angeles, CA, where Eddie moved in 1947. Then, Poughkeepsie seems very small indeed. And I'll bet, when Eddie was growing up, he didn't know most or any of the obscure sexual terminology in "Did You Ever Know...?"

He certainly knew them by 1973. This article is all about "big words," specifically those that pertain to sex. (And some of the acts they describe would stretch a person's mouth out considerably.) These are some polysyllabic tongue twisters he's lined up here: "amor lesbicus," "coitus per rectum," "scrotilinctus," "frenulum preputii," "climacterium," etc. I was reminded of those Latin names that would pop up onscreen during the Road Runner cartoons.

Latin names were a running (!) gag in the Road Runner cartoons from Warner Bros.

The difference is that the Latin words used in those cartoons were made up, and, as far as I know, the terms that Ed Wood uses in "Did You Ever Know...?" are all real. At least the medical ones are. I can't vouch for the slang terms. I'm skeptical about some of them. For instance, Eddie defines "lingerie lass" as "a girl who likes to have intercourse with all or part of her undies or stockings still on," but to me, "lingerie lass" sounds like a forgotten member of the Legion of Super-Heroes. I'm also dubious of "haytit," "chubbies," "gallop the antelope," and "nixies." And has anyone besides Ed ever used the word "geography" to describe the female genitalia?

As usual, though, this article did provide some interesting fodder for research. One of the terms Eddie includes in this glossary is "Agaemone," which he defines as "a Free-Love group; an institution or establishment of men and women who practice Free-Love and swap mates regularly. This word derives from the name of a community established at Spaxton, England, in 1849, in which immorality among some of its members was rampant." Ed has the spelling slightly wrong, but the Agapemonites were very real and existed as late as 1956!

Next: "Sex is Not a Hazard" (1972)

Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "The Strange Fascination of Lesbianism" (1972)

"Strange fascinations fascinate me." - David Bowie

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "The Strange Fascination of Lesbianism." Originally published in Pussy Willow (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 4, no. 1, April/May 1972. Credited to "Ann Gora."

Excerpt: "The dildo is well known to the lesbian world and has been in use all through antiquity. But then with the advent of electricity the dildo has become mechanized and has been put to the market under a different name. That is the vibrator. But call it what you will a dildo is a dildo with or without electricity."

An issue of The National Informer.

Reflections: When I reviewed the article "A Thought on Fetish Love Objects" a couple of weeks ago, I noted that Ed Wood quoted extensively from some sexually-explicit tabloids released by a company called Beta Publications in the early 1970s. Specifically, Eddie cited The National Spotlite and The National Bulletin. I'd never heard of Beta before then, but their formula seemed pretty straightforward: salacious stories and softcore cheesecake photography. The company's name rather amused me, given the current sexual connotation of the word "beta." They'd likely go with a different moniker today.

Before reading When the Topic is Sex, I didn't even know these kinds of publications existed. I knew of pornographic magazines, but the only tabloids I was familiar with were the ones being sold at the local supermarket: The National Enquirer, Star, Weekly World News, etc. The "dirty" ones Ed was talking about were beyond my ken. They certainly weren't available at our local Hamady. Perhaps these X-rated tabloids are not as well-remembered today as adult magazines of the era simply because they weren't preserved as well. Most of Beta's output (on flimsy, fragile newsprint) probably crumbled away to dust decades ago. God bless Pulp International for saving at least some of this material.

In "The Strange Fascination of Lesbianism," Ed Wood doubles down on the Beta tabloids, quoting extensively from The National Spotlite and The National Bulletin again, but he also draws from other pornographic tabloids, including The National Informer, which seems to be from a company called Aladdin. In all, here are the articles quoted in "The Strange Fascination of Lesbianism":

• "Wild Gals in Prison" by George Davis (The National Spotlite). The article describes how women are routinely subjected to lesbian attacks in prison, not just from other inmates but also from the staff. Some of the interviewees, like Georgina Sloots and Angela Brutesome, sound like Roald Dahl characters.

• "I, a Lesbian" by an unnamed author (The National Spotlite). This is supposedly a first-person account by a young woman named Liza, who has all kinds of Sapphic fun with her friends Susan, Lorraine, and Madeleine. Susan opines that lesbians are not perverted, simply more "imaginative" than straight women.

• "Tumblin' in the Tumbleweeds" by Curt Randall (The National Spotlite). This is a Western tale about a gang of lesbians who take over a ghost town and love to torture men. This is so much in Ed Wood's wheelhouse, he must've been jealous he didn't write it.

• "Troilism: When Three's Good Company and Not a Crowd in Bed" by Larry Bell (The National Examiner). While this article is technically about a threesome consisting of one man and two women, Ed assures us that "lesbianism is quite prominent" in it.

• "Sexy Gift Ideas" by Paul Zenda (The National Bulletin). Perhaps written with an eye toward the Christmas shopping season, Paul describes various dildos and vibrators one can purchase. Did you know these were available in Day-Glo colors?

• "Rumor Has it That" by an unnamed author (The National Bulletin). Eddie tells us that this is a regular column that contains what he calls "dig stories about the movie stars." I think by "dig story," he means a negative and possibly libelous article. In this case, it's about a love triangle consisting of Liz Taylor, Liza Minnelli (her name butchered as "Martinelli"), and Greek-American soprano Maria Callas.

• "Reform School Breeds Lesbians" by an unnamed author (The National Spotlite). This is very much in the spirit of "Wild Gals in Prison," albeit with younger characters. Eddie explains, "The girls in jail idea seems to rank highest for the reporters of lesbian activities." He promises that male readers will "go ape" over this article.

• "A Thousand and One Nights" by an unnamed author (The National Spotlite). It seems to be a prequel to the aforementioned "I, a Lesbian." Together, Ed says, the articles form "a running account of lesbian life." Perhaps there are other articles in this series.

• In addition to the publications already named, Eddie mentions The National Close-Up but does not cite any particular articles from it. He also describes ads for a book called The Sensuous Lesbian and an 8mm movie called Women Who Love Women. I cannot confirm the existence of either of these, but I fully believe that Ed saw ads for both of them.

Apart from all this second-hand material, does Ed Wood have anything original to contribute to "The Strange Fascination of Lesbianism"? Eh, sort of. He acknowledges that many of the books and articles about lesbians are actually written by and for men. This is a strange admission, considering he's using his "Ann Gora" pseudonym for this one, presumably to make readers think he's really a woman. It seems like he started with this basic premise (men sure do like lesbians) and then cribbed as much as he could from the tabloids. Then, at the end, he indulges in some typical Wood-ian philosophizing:

The male is also a rather strange specie. Let another male do something out of line and he is shunned. But it is seldom that the little lady can do anything which does not give the male some sort of pleasure. And when that something is sexually oriented the male is all eyes, and all ears . . . and all emotionally, physically and sexually excited. There is no doubt that the lesbian world will continue to be spelled out in many male publications.

Ah, snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

Next: "Did You Ever Know?" (1973)

Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "Lesbian-Involved Prostitution" (1971)

Good news: This article features some cool Phil Cambridge artwork. Bad news: The headline is misspelled.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "Lesbian-Involved Prostitution," aka "Lesbian-Involved Prostition." Originally published in Lesbo Lassies (Calga Publishing), vol. 3, no. 2, April/May 1971.

Excerpt: "Any number of local beer bars cater to the lesbian trade, and who is to say how many of the butch or the passive types are not in the professional trade? One looks much the same as any of the others. But it is a sure bet that many financial arrangements are met and the affairs are arranged with more than love interests at hand."

Ed's 1967 book on the subject.

Reflections: In the years following World War II, many Americans migrated out to the suburbs, believing that these areas would provide the perfect environment for their families—away from the filth and crime of the major cities but still close enough to civilization to enjoy all the modern conveniences. That was the plan, anyway. What they wound up with was a place that, according to many artists and writers, combined the worst aspects of both the country and the city. In art and literature, suburbia tends to be depicted as a place of stultifying boredom, cookie-cutter conformity, and empty materialism. For fun sometime, try Googling the phrase "quotes about suburbia." See how many positive ones you get.

Pornographers, meanwhile, looked at suburbia and saw an opportunity. All those people, many still in their 20s and 30s, with nothing of interest to do but watch television—why, they probably get up to some kinky stuff out there, just to pass the time. So we get movies like Herschell Gordon Lewis' Suburban Roulette (1968) and Steve Apostolof's Suburbia Confidential (1966). Under the pen name Emil Moreau, Ed Wood himself wrote a book called Suburbia Confidential in 1967, swiping the title directly from Steve's (similar but unrelated) movie.

And then there's "Lesbian-Involved Prostitution," an article in which Ed Wood tries to convince us that the American suburbs are being overrun by housewives-turned-lesbian-hookers. From his opening paragraph, he says he has the data to back up this outrageous claim:

If we are to believe recent surveys dealing with suburbia and the suburban areas, then we must necessarily believe many of the bored housewives have taken up prostitution, whether for extra money or for purposes other than financial. . . . And it is that many lean more to the lesbian practices of prostitution than to more conventional intercourse with the milkman or other tradesmen. For one reason it is much safer. There is no chance of getting caught "knocked up," and little chance for catching or carrying venereal diseases.

I guess, then, that you can't turn a ho into a housewife, but you can do just the opposite. That sounds like more fun anyway.

According to this article, when Americans left the cities for the suburbs in the 1940s and 1950s, they took the long-established practice of lesbian prostitution with them. Not that these women are exclusively homosexual, mind you. They'll take on all comers, men included, especially if there's money involved. But these women prefer encounters with their own gender. In "Lesbian-Involved Prostitution," Ed repeats his theory that women are driven to sapphism after being traumatized, abused, or simply disappointed by men.

Ed Wood also offers us a snapshot of the prostitution industry in general. With the widespread closing of brothels and bordellos after the war, hookers needed to find new ways of plying their trade. The result was what Ed refers to as "the Call Girl system" in which clients would call a service and arrange a "date" with a young lady in some agreed-upon location, probably a motel room or apartment. This new business model was quite convenient, as Eddie explains:

It's really nothing very new, having been around as long as the telephone, but never before on such a grand scale as the present-day services. Companionship, for whatever purpose, is as close as the nearest telephone . . . all it takes is the knowledge of certain telephone numbers. 

The strangest aspect of "Lesbian-Involved Prostitution" is when Eddie starts discussing stereotypes that we readers might have about these women.

One of the largest misconceptions of the lesbian prostitute has been that she necessarily is big of bone and rugged of features, more the truck driver type than the girl next door. She is pictured wearing a tweed suit with belted down trousers and the fedora hat cocked saucily over one eye along with the flat male shoes. She is to be gruff in manner and roll off the pornographic words like a drunken stevedore. . .

Uh, gee, Eddie, I think that might a stereotype that exists only in your mind and nowhere else in the world. I promise you, I was not thinking of tweed suits or saucily-cocked fedoras. And certainly, stevedores were far from my mind. The furthest, in fact.

Next: "The Strange Fascination of Lesbianism" (1972)

Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "Sappho Revisited" (1973)

I chose this picture because of that fur rug Sappho is sitting on.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "Sappho Revisited." Originally published in Woman's World (Gallery Press), vol. 2, no. 2, March/April 1973.

Excerpt: "First it is probably a researcher who would find that the stories of depraved orgies and homosexual abandon which supposedly took place at Sappho's school are pure fiction. Second, in her time and throughout the ancient world, Sappho was highly respected by all. Third, during most of Sappho's life there lived on the island of Lesbos another woman of the same name who in her own way was one of the greatest whores in history. This woman would do anything, with anyone, for a price."

Poetry pals: Alcaeus and Sappho.

Reflections: At the outset of this review, I will have to admit a weakness on my part: I know virtually nothing about the ancient Greek poetess Sappho other than the fact that she's from the isle of Lesbos, her poems are mostly lost, and her name is synonymous with lesbianism. (And I got most of that from—you guessed it—a recent Saturday Night Live sketch.) That's it. I don't really even have a basic blueprint of Sappho's life, i.e. how she lived, how she died, what she was really like, etc. 

Considering how important Sappho seems to have been to Ed Wood and how often her name comes up in When the Topic is Sex, I should have started researching her life months ago. When you were a student, did you ever have to take a test that you hadn't studied for? If so, you know how I feel as I attempt to review "Sappho Revisited." I'm winging it and hoping for the best.

Lacking any real knowledge of Sappho's life, I will attempt to approach this article from a contemporary angle. By now, we are all familiar with the highly controversial term "cancel culture." Some claim that it does not exist; others say it is pervasive. Either way, when a famous person is shamed on social media for some word or deed (or pattern of words and deeds), we say that this person has been "canceled." Does this mean the end of that celebrity's career or public life? It depends. 

I believe that "cancel culture" is a misnomer. Living celebrities, no matter how heinous their words or deeds might be, can never be completely "canceled," i.e. erased from existence. We can boycott their work, remove them from certain platforms, and deny them various career opportunities, but we cannot silence them forever. Louis CK, for instance, will likely never be a guest on any network TV show again, but he can still perform standup comedy in public and market his own work via his personal website. Does that mean cancel culture doesn't exist? No, I don't think so. It just means that cancel culture isn't all-powerful. 

Dead celebrities, on the other hand, can be canceled pretty thoroughly. Look, there's no comeback on the horizon for Kate Smith. The once-beloved contralto died in 1986 but didn't really become controversial until 2019. Being dead, Kate can't apologize for her old recordings or go on some kind of "damage control" media tour. Unlike Louis CK, she cannot perform in public or make new recordings. In other words, she's done. Kate Smith is canceled. The bell has rung upon her great career.

Ed Wood consulted The Dykes.

The question I asked myself after reading "Sappho Revisited" is: Should Sappho be canceled? It's happened to historical figures before. Look at Christopher Columbus and Andrew Jackson. Once heroes, their reputations are now in the dumper. Ed Wood admits that much of the information we have about the Greek poetess is sketchy—rumors, hearsay, urban legends, etc. But this article does air some pretty disturbing allegations. To wit:

As legend has it she was known to lure beautiful young girls into her trust and many of them were sent to her from all over the ancient world for their tutoring. And once they were secreted into her house she approached them with brilliance and cunning and when the training period started, enjoyment for her, the girls were seduced into a life of depravity and debauchery. It was claimed that lurid homosexual rites and complete submission to her own sexual desires were her demand. However, no one actually knows what she did when she embraced these girls in entwined passion. 

Today, we'd call that kind of behavior "grooming," and Twitter would be demanding Sappho's head on a platter. Ed Wood himself admits that this could all be misinformation, based on nothing more than people's imaginations. But, generally, accusations are enough to get you in serious trouble on social media, especially when those accusations involve sexual misconduct.

Anyway, apart from Sappho herself, the most interesting character in "Sappho Revisited" is Alkaios (aka Alcaeus of Mytilene), another ancient Greek poet. He and Sappho may have exchanged some verses back in the day. Ed Wood paints quite the picture of Alkaios:

This man, Alkaios, was a wild aristocrat slightly older than Sappho. He had only recently returned to Mitylene from the wars. He had a somewhat shady war record, and he was a well known drunken, bawdy, rabble rouser who seemed perfectly content with the fact that he had turned his back to the enemy under fire, and ran. However back home in Mitylene he was overly content to explode and expound his loud voice on the political scene, and he indulged in sexual excesses with every whore in the city and became hopelessly drunk every night. It is quite possible that he was impotent and certain that among his so-called girlfriends he counted the famous prostitute of Mitylene who held the exact same name as Sappho the poetess.

It's my belief that Ed Wood modeled Alkaios somewhat after himself. As I read this article, I couldn't help but think of Alkaios as an ancient Greek version of Mr. Murphy, Eddie's whiskey-swilling bon vivant character in Love Feast (1969). "Sappho Revisited" alleges that it was this "drunken bum" who took the poetess' virginity and was also responsible for her being exiled from Lesbos, since he involved her in a foolish plot to murder the ruler of the island. I cannot begin to tell you if any of this is historically accurate.

As for research materials, Ed Wood cites only one book: The Dykes (1968) by Jan Hudson (a pen name of George H. Smith). Unsurprisingly, this is a Pendulum paperback. Did Bernie Bloom pressure Eddie to plug Pendulum books in his articles? Or did Eddie consult The Dykes simply because there was an extra copy lying around the office on W. Pico Blvd.? Specifically, Ed quotes extensively from the foreword by Dale Koby. I'd never heard of Mr. Koby, but apparently he was a high school teacher turned smut author. Sounds like my kind of guy.

Next: "Lesbian-Involved Prostitution" (1971) 

Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "Test of Time" (1972)

Clocks were really something back in the 1970s, huh?

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "Test of Time." Originally published in Two + Two (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 4, no. 1, January/February  1972. Credited to "Ann Gora."

Excerpt: "The butch may or may not be the truck driver type which is depicted in so many pictures and cartoons. There are just as many butch types who are more feminine than the fluff types and one would not know the difference, on the street, from any other girl. And it may be just the opposite for the fluff. Then again an affair may really be accomplished by two fluffs, both ultra feminine and each will take turns at being one or the other."

The Bible doesn't condemn lesbians.

Reflections: Back when I reviewed Blood Splatters Quickly in 2014, I noted that "time" was one of Ed Wood's most-used keywords. In fact, he uses it 252 times throughout that collection.  Evidently, Eddie thought about the concept of time an awful lot... and not just in his later, sadder years either. Remember that his debut film, Glen or Glenda (1953), starts with Bela Lugosi's Spirit character delivering this speech:

Man's constant groping of things unknown, drawing from the endless reaches of time brings to light many startling things. Startling? Because they seem new... sudden! But most are not new... to the signs of the ages.

That bit of cosmic wisdom sets the scene extremely well for "Test of Time," the second Ed Wood article in When the Topic is Sex with "time" in the title. (I reviewed the first, "Time Out for Pleasure," just two days ago.)

In this article, Ed Wood's thesis is that lesbianism has certainly withstood the test of time—an uncontroversial claim, I'd say. Ed argues that, over the centuries, lesbians have largely survived by flying below the radar. Since they don't really stand out in society that much, neither the government nor the church has bothered to persecute them. Or at least, not as much as they've persecuted gay men. I remember reading in Ken Smith's book, Ken's Guide to the Bible (1995), that the Bible condemns male homosexuality but doesn't specifically forbid lesbianism. Eddie makes a similar observation here, saying that the church largely ignores lesbians, hoping they'll go away, rather than damning them.

I don't know if this qualifies as a feminist statement, but "Test of Time" espouses the viewpoint that lesbianism is womankind's attempt to escape or overthrow the patriarchy. For too long, woman has been the victim of male vanity and the male ego. Her own pleasures and desires have been ignored because the man's needs have always taken precedence. "Down through the ages," Ed writes, "the male has been the dominating factor in all history. And the woman was his thing . . . his plaything." Thus, when a woman enters a same-sex relationship, she is throwing off the shackles of male oppression.

Again, though, let's not be too hasty in calling Ed a proto-feminist hero or anything. "Test of Time" contains his usual, stereotype-ridden schtick about "butch" and "fluff" lesbians. And, just as in "The Divorcee's Dilemma," Eddie describes lesbians as predatory, fickle, and promiscuous. According to Ed, these women are constantly "cruising" the cocktail lounges and beer bars in search of new bed partners with no thought toward long-term relationships.

But, just like Walt Whitman and Bob Dylan, Ed Wood contains multitudes. In its final passages, "Test of Time" becomes quasi-philosophical. As he has demonstrated throughout this entire book, Eddie is dazed and dazzled by the sweeping changes the Sexual Revolution has wrought in a relatively short amount of time. Above all, people now have more information about sex than they ever had before, and this information is no longer couched in the obscure technical language used by "medical men." No, we can now read about lesbianism (and other sensitive topics) in plain English. Eddie suggests that this will eventually lead to greater understanding and acceptance. He puts it this way:

There is no one so superior as to be able to look down upon another because he or she is different . . . and that goes for the difference in their own sex life. Sex lives are as different as any personality. And the lesbian is part of the personality phase of life. They are with life and they are living it the way it pleases them. What most lesbians want to learn is the truth about themselves . . . what makes them tick . . . and what makes others tick. Happiness sometimes must be learned. Sometimes it is not born in all of us. And learning ones own shortcomings or long comings, as the case may be, is all part of the search for happiness. 

Almost makes you misty-eyed, doesn't it?

Next: "Sappho Revisited" (1973)

Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "The Divorcee's Dilemma" (1973)

"I laid a divorcee in New York City."

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "The Divorcee's Dilemma." Originally published in Swap (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 7, no. 1, January/February 1973. Credited to "Ann Gora."

Excerpt: "A lesbian who has eyes for some good looking divorcee isn't going to be easily swayed. But then also, the lesbians are generally a fickle bunch. Once they have made their conquest it is seldom that they will stick around with the same bed partner very long. It would seem that they are ever on the look out for new recruits."

An Apostolof/Wood joint.

Reflections: One recurring element in the movies that Ed Wood wrote for director Stephen Apostolof in the 1970s is that women who have been wronged by men will naturally take comfort in the arms of other women. This will often happen after a female character has been beaten or even raped by a man, but this isn't always necessary. Sometimes, the woman will simply be unsatisfied physically and emotionally by her relationships with men.

Whatever the cause for their disillusionment with the male gender, the wronged woman and her female friend will commiserate about how men are such insensitive beasts, and this will typically lead to a tender lesbian love scene. See Drop Out Wife (1972) , The Snow Bunnies (1972), The Beach Bunnies (1976), The Cocktail Hostesses (1973), and The Class Reunion (1972) for variations on this theme. I've often thought that the scenes of domestic abuse and/or rape in the Apostolof films work against their intended eroticism, but it seems that Eddie was insistent on telling these types of stories.

"The Divorcee's Dilemma" finds Ed Wood exploring this trope once again, this time as part of a supposedly nonfiction article for Swap magazine. According to Ed, a newly-divorced woman is a prime target for sly, on-the-make lesbians. The unsuspecting divorcee, whose only knowledge of sex may have come from her former husband, is powerless here. Ed tells us that "when the divorcee encounters a lesbian who has an interest; the hots for her, she is brainwashed right from the start." Just as in the Apostolof films, the women in this article may turn to lesbianism because they have been abused by men or simply have found heterosexual relationships unfulfilling.

Yet again, however, Ed Wood finds it impossible to stay on topic. For some reason, in an article supposedly about divorce, Eddie starts talking about lesbianism on college campuses. "Colleges which house only girls have been notorious for fostering the lesbian life," Ed claims, reminding me of the "Seven Sisters" scene from The Simpsons. Another claim: "It has been told that every girl who has gone to college has had a least one lesbian experience." I'm not sure what this has to do with divorce. I think Ed is just trying to explain why some women turn to lesbianism even after marrying men.

But, really, Ed is veering all over the road in "The Divorcee's Dilemma." One minute he's talking about the difference between "butch" and "fluff" lesbians. The next, he's pontificating about the Women's Lib movement. And does he get to mention sweaters? But of course. For Eddie, all roads eventually lead to sweaters. Oddly enough, for a magazine called Swap, there's nothing in here about wife-swapping.

P.S. Would you forgive me for referencing one more Saturday Night Live sketch? The 2015 sketch "Forgotten TV Gems" details the quick rise and fall of a fictional '50s sitcom called Whoops! I Married a Lesbian. While introducing a clip from the show, host Reese De'What (Keenan Thompson) says, "Part of the problem with the series was that it was written solely by male writers who knew nothing about the social issue the show was based on."

Next: "Test of Time" (1972)

Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "Time Out for Pleasure" (1975)

Make time for pleasure in your busy day! You'll be glad you did!

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article; "Time Out for Pleasure." Originally published in Girl Mates (Gallery Press), vol. 1, no. 1, September/October 1975. Credited to "Ann Gora."

Excerpt: "The lesbian wife sooner or later will not be satisfied with just a night or two out with the girls. She will become more and more demanding for her freedom. She will want full-time lovers because the lesbian has a tremendous appetite for sexual thrills and pleasures. The man can't give it to her. She is like a vegetable under him. He is getting no sex pleasure and neither is she. The only thing left is separation. "

A haven for homosexuals? Ed Wood says yes.

Reflections: Sometimes, the title of an Ed Wood article will give you a good idea of its contents. In this series of reviews, for instance, we've already encountered "Necrophilia: Love of the Dead," "Origins of a Fur Fetishist," and "Witchcraft in America Today." At other times, however, an article's title will yield no useful information whatsoever. All I knew about "Time Out for Pleasure," beyond its very vague name, was that it was included in the chapter about lesbianism. What could that phrase mean? To me, it sounded like an advertising slogan, perhaps the motto of a cigarette company. ("Gals, take time out for pleasure with Virginia Slims.")

The article is indeed about female homosexuals. In fact, it's very similar to yesterday's article, "Lesbian Understanding," in that it tries to offer a big-picture, broad-spectrum view of the lesbian lifestyle. Eddie, once again writing as "Ann Gora," even includes a few biographical details about the Greek poetess Sappho (c. 630 BC-570 BC), whose very name has become synonymous with same-sex love. "Her name lives down through the ages," Eddie tells us, "because she made famous an aristocratic society of women which decreed that the only true love was woman to woman."

Eddie then fast-forwards to the present day and says that "there have been vast changes in the lesbian makeup during the past few years in our own generation." People are more open and honest about their sexuality, he tells us, and some psychiatrists are even starting to give the A-OK to this lesbianism thing. Without citing any specific names or dates, Ed Wood offers this example of how things have improved for male and female homosexuals in a relatively short amount of time:

Little can be said of the gay guys and girls of the past because they were hiding in some kind of obscurity, except for the clinical studies and many were telling the interviewer what they would like their lives to be and not what they really were. But one thing for sure was the fear of losing their job. It happened in the state building in Washington, D.C., a few summers ago. A great majority of the state employees were of the gay world and it was felt that they were good prospects for blackmail, and since they were in positions of importance they had to be dismissed. Finally the courts took up the case and most of those who wanted to be reinstated were, by law, put back on the job. They were no more dangerous to security than any other person who tastes of sexual happenings of a different nature than the old missionary position. 

I guess, when Eddie says "state building" and "state employees," he's referring to the United States Department of State, headquartered in the Harry S. Truman Building. Was there a "gay scare" in Washington in the late '60s or early '70s? Perhaps Ed Wood is obliquely referencing the "lavender scare" of the 1950s.

Shifting focus from the political to the personal: Ed tells us that lesbians occasionally find themselves trapped in unsatisfying heterosexual marriages, leading to some major emotional and legal problems. Sure, some husbands may understand and even let their wives have occasional nights out with "the girls" (wink, wink). But the true lesbian soon wants more, and a divorce is inevitable. I couldn't help but be reminded of the "divorce court" scene from Glen or Glenda (1953). 

Speaking of that film, compare this passage from "Time Out for Pleasure": 

Times are changing. Few are hiding their problem. To them it is not a problem, it is their way of life, their enjoyment and to hell with who cares one way or another.

To this speech from Glen or Glenda:

Very few transvestites wish to change their strange desires. This is their life. To take it away from them might do as great a harm as taking away an arm or a leg or life itself.

Remarkably similar, right? It would seem that Ed Wood tries to understand lesbianism by comparing it to his own penchant for cross-dressing. 

P.S. Some miscellaneous publication details about this article. First published in 1975 in the premiere issue of a lesbian-themed Gallery Press magazine called Girl Mates, "Time Out for Pleasure" is one of the later pieces included in When the Topic is Sex. Greg Dziawer has indicated that the Pendulum/Gallery magazine empire was slowing down a bit by '75. But it looks like they were still occasionally tossing some work Eddie's way. This may well have been thee only issue of Girl Mates ever released. Ed Wood likely wrote the editorial for this particular magazine. He references this briefly in "Time Out for Pleasure." This issue of Girl Mates also included Ed's short story "The Loser."

Next: "The Divorcee's Dilemma" (1973)

Podcast Tuesday: "You Can Officially Forget the Alamo"

Erin Moran and Michael Dudikoff on Happy Days.

This week on These Days Are Ours: A Happy Days Podcast, it was our distinct pleasure to review the Season 7 episode "Joanie's Dilemma." This episode is a rarity, in that it focuses on Joanie Cunningham (Erin Moran) but doesn't even mention her stalker-turned-boyfriend-turned-husband Chachi Arcola (Scott Baio). For the rest of the series, Joanie's fate will be tied to Chachi's, but for this one episode, she's on her own.

In fact, Joanie's independence is the focus of this story. Her latest boyfriend, an amiable dope named Jason (future American Ninja star Michael Dudikoff), has given her his class ring. With that ring comes the expectation that Joanie will accompany Jason to an unlit, secluded section of Inspiration Point known as the Alamo. Why is it called the Alamo? Because it's so much fun to "remember" all the necking (and possibly more) you did there.

Should Joanie go to the Alamo with Jason? Should she not? Joanie's friends have their opinions on the matter, as do her brother Richie (Ron Howard) and her parents (Tom Bosley and Marion Ross). But ultimately, the decision is up to Joanie herself. "Joanie's Dilemma" was written by an actual woman, April Kelly, and it shows in the final result. 

But does my cohost agree with me? Find out by listening to the latest episode of These Days Are Ours.