Saturday, October 31, 2009

It's the most wonderful time of the year!


Welcome back to the fabulous, exciting, and (potentially) nutritious Dead 2 Rights blog! This is my second installment, and I hope to avoid that infamous sophomore jinx. I can't promise a new entry every day (or even every week), but I'll try to keep adding new content on a semi-regular basis. So keep checking in, won't you? Thank you!

I'm sending this missive out to you, the dear readers, on that most sacred of holidays -- Halloween, an observance which is rapidly becoming the new Christmas. As I said yesterday, this is the one day a year when my people, the Living Impaired, can go out in public and not wind up with a bullet in the frontal lobe. God rest ye, merry post-lifers, let nothing you dismay! This is a perfect day to get out there and do all those things you wish you could do the other 364 days of the year: comparison shop for kayaks, try on slacks at Sears, or simply enjoy a delicious meal at a family-style restaurant. It's all good! No need to dig through the dumpsters in the parking lot behind Taco Bell! Go right up to the front door, stride (or shamble) up to the counter, and give your order with confidence! I promise you, your Cinnamon Crispas will taste sweeter than ever before! You've earned it, LI-ers!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Greetings on All Hallows Eve... eve


Portrait of your blogger.
Hello, dear readers.

This is an exciting occasion indeed, for this is the first blog post by yours truly, Wayne Kotke, president, spokesman, and founder of Dead 2 Rights, an organization fighting for the rights of the living impaired. If you are a regular listener of the Mail Order Zombie podcast (and, really, why wouldn't you be?), you are no doubt aware of my ongoing struggle to further the cause of the Living Impaired or LI -- those much-maligned individuals you may know better as zombies. Unfortunately, the living impaired have a severe public image problem, mainly due to grossly unfair portrayals in movies, television shows, novels, and even video games. If you have seen Night of the Living Dead or played Left 4 Dead, you are all too familiar with these negative media images.

But all is not lost, my friends!

Thanks to such forums as MOZ and now this very blog, you and I can help to change the public image of the LI and work together to build a brighter future -- living and living impaired alike! The job ahead of us is, I will admit, immense. Currently, the LI rank just below "terrorists" and "FM morning disc jockeys" in terms of public affection. The LI cannot vote, cannot legally own property, and cannot even walk the streets safely, as trigger-happy vigilantes are forever aiming their shotguns at our vulnerable foreheads. I myself have to go to work in disguise and lead a very complex double life, just to "make it" in a hostile world.

Frankly, tomorrow night (Halloween) is the one night of the year when my people can walk out in public with their heads held high without fear of reprisal. So I say to my living impaired brothers and sisters: enjoy it while it lasts! November 1 is coming, and then it's right back to the same-old, same-old.

And now, here's what Sarge from Beetle Bailey would look like as Hitler. Enjoy.

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