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| Kim Jong-Il looking healthy and relaxed. (source) |
It is a matter of longstanding policy on this blog to bring you interviews with dictators soon after they have passed away and returned as zombies. After my conversations with Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi, I believe I have become the recognized leader in this very specific field. Now, as 2011 draws to close, I am privileged and honored to bring you this brief chat with North Korea's supreme leader Kim Jong-Il on the occasion of his demise.
WK: Before we begin, what do you want me to call you? Dear Leader? Our Father? From experience, I know that you power-mad dictators have a real "thing" about titles.
KJI: Hey, buddy, you can call me anything but late for "crazy practice!"
Crazy practice....? I don't, uh...
You know, lessons in acting completely batshit insane! You think I got like this overnight? No, I had to work at it! I mean, just look at my hair. Who was doing the "troll doll meets Kid 'n' Play" look before me?
Uh...
Exactly! Nobody! And you know who my wife is?
Er... it says on Wikipedia that you...
A game of Frogger!
Frogger? Like the arcade game?
I don't know!
But you said...
I say a lot of things. And my loyal subjects believe every last one of them. Like when I said I invented rainbows? They believed me. When I said I was all four Beatles? They believed me. Legally own the moon? Believed me. My toenail clippings cure gout? Believed me.
I get the idea. So the people of North Korea seemed to be pretty broken up over your passing.
Oh, hell yeah. Wait 'til they learn I've been dead nine years.
Nine years? But...
Hey, I'm like a David Lynch movie, man. Don't try to figure me out. Just sit back and enjoy! Speaking of which, do you want to go hunting unicorns with me, Jesus, Santa Claus, Ganesh, and the 1976 Baltimore Orioles?
Actually, yes. Yes, I do.
Well, grab an invisible pogo stick and let's get going! Oh, wait. Hold on a sec. I'm getting a text from Nicolas Cage. We're pretty much besties.
I can believe that.
Then you're well on your way to being North Korean.
Ha! Good one!
At this point in the interview, Kim Jong-Il folded himself into a small cube and was escorted away on a velvet pillow by an honor guard consisting of Barney the Dinosaur, the Wrathful Buddha, six members of the Rockettes, and one mysterious being who seemed to consist of pure light or possibly pure energy. I tried to follow after them, but when I reached for my invisible pogo stick, I found myself grasping at nothing but air.