Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "Commentary: Article by 'T'" (1971)

Is that supposed to be Ronald Reagan?

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "Commentary: Article by 'T.'" Originally published in Belly Button (Calga Publishing), vol. 2, no. 3, November/December 1971.

Excerpt: "I've got this thing about nylon stockings. I just love to feel nylon stockings on my legs. And sometimes I slip them over my arm, you know, like just before I put them on my legs. And that way I can really enjoy the feel of that cool mesh closing all around my soft flesh. Why, that gets me so turned on sometimes that I can feel the icy fingers running up and down my spine. Oh, not that I freak out, or anything like that. But it does turn me on, and as George Washington would say, that's no lie!"

T's not-so-secret fetish.

Reflections: Just as Ed Wood's short stories can be broken down into subgenres or sub-categories, so can his nonfiction articles. He likes to change things up occasionally, so he'll have different modes or styles as a writer. The particular subgenre we're talking about today is the fake interview. That's when Eddie pretends to talk to some nonexistent person about a potentially touchy subject. He'll do this in his full-length nonfiction books, too. The Oralists (1969), for instance, purports to include case studies of real people, but they're all just products of Eddie's imagination. 

Earlier in When the Topic is Sex, we read Ed's purported interview with actress Sherry Wine. And now, he's talking to a woman he identifies only as T about the subject of fetishes. You know what? I wish T were a real person. She seems like she'd be a lot of fun—a plain-spoken, somewhat vulgar lady with a healthy attitude about her own sex life and the sex lives of others. I don't know exactly why, but I get the feeling T drinks a bit and may have even imbibed a little right before this interview.

Anyway, T tells us that fetishists are everywhere, but there are two kinds: those who "swing right out in the open" and those who "keep things a secret." It's obvious that T prefers the former, since they're being more honest. "I don't hold no truck with people who can't admit themselves to themselves, if you follow my train of thought," she opines.

As for specific fetishes, she mentions a gentleman who goes out in public with a woman's shoe over his genitals. (Illustrator El Warpo has brilliantly captured this in the artwork that originally accompanied the story.) There's another man she knows who is really into rings, though she makes sure to point out that this jewelry-lover is strictly heterosexual. (Shades of Glen or Glenda.) When it comes to her own fetishes, T admits her love of nylon stockings but refuses to divulge more.

I know I just did this yesterday, but I was again reminded of an SNL sketch while reading this article. I could not help but think of T as looking and talking like Cecily Strong's outspoken, somewhat incoherent "Cathy Anne"  character. I debated whether or not to include that detail in my review, but I figured I owed it to you (and T) to be honest. When I read this article, I imagined Cecily Strong saying it on Weekend Update as one of her rambling editorials.

By the way, T also feels that not every fetish is sexual. Do you like apple pie? That's a fetish. Do you listen to classical music? Another fetish. And don't even get her started about baseball fanatics! They're the biggest fetishists of all! She may have a point with that last one, at least based on the 1977 novelty record "Baseball Card Lover" by Rockin' Richie Ray.

Next: "Drag it Out" (1971)