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| This is almost the title story from this collection. |
NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).
The article: "When Then the Topic is Sex." Originally published in Garter Girls (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 6, no. 1, February/March 1971. Credited to Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Excerpt: "Today there are any number of magazines on nearly all the magazine book shelves which tell of the delights and the pleasures which might be derived from the sado/masochistic actions. And it is not always that they are practicing a safe and sane way of capturing their sexual pleasures. People have been known to be seriously hurt, maimed, crippled even killed through the accidental applications of torture."
Reflections: I've been a regular viewer of Saturday Night Live since I was a kid, so I cannot help but compare just about all the media I consume to old SNL sketches. Forgive me.
Specifically, the Ed Wood article "When Then the Topic is Sex" reminded me of an ad parody that SNL first aired on December 7, 1985. The sketch starts with a sharply-dressed announcer (Rex Robbins) walking past a power plant and talking about America's energy consumption. But then it cuts to a ranch, where the same announcer (who has ditched his suit in favor of denim work clothes) is now talking about cowboys. Another cut, and now he's walking through a field and discussing "pollen and other irritants." Yet another cut, and he's on Wall Street (back in his suit) and telling us we need "sound financial security." One final cut, and he's ambling down a sunny suburban street and drinking a can of soda he declares to be "cracklin' good." Finally, we arrive at the tagline: "The Ad Council: Wasting your time in various ways... for no good reason."
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| Notice the use of ellipses. Very Ed Wood-esque. |
That's just what it feels like to read "When Then the Topic is Sex." Ed starts out by saying that we're all discussing sex more openly and honestly these days. Okay, that's nice, but then he starts jumping from topic to topic: swingers, bathroom graffiti, obscene phone calls, fetishists, sado-masochists, transvestites, sweaters (of course!), bathroom graffiti (again), sexual positions, swingers (again), and finally religion. (Eddie insists the Bible is the dirtiest book of them all.) What is this article about? Who is the intended audience? What point is Ed Wood trying to make, if any?
Knowing the original venue for this article does not help, by the way. It was first printed in a magazine called Garter Girls, but Eddie doesn't mention garters even once. That figures. I've reviewed other Ed Wood stories from Garter Girls, and they weren't about garters either.
At his most focused, Ed does devote several paragraphs to swingers, i.e. those engaged in wife-swapping and group sex. He also calls them "switchers," a term I hadn't heard before. But if this article is for them, what was all that stuff about sweaters? And which gender writes filthier words on bathroom walls? And what to do if you get an unwanted obscene phone call? Ed seemingly went into this article with no battle plan whatsoever. He just sat down and started typing.
One last aside: Ed uses the term "switchman's picnic" at one point in this article. That was certainly a new one on me, so naturally I had to Google it. The term is not common, but Ann Landers used it in a column from 1962. Her article is such a doozy that I'm begging you to read it.
Next: "Commentary: Article by 'T'" (1971)