Hit Parade Of Hell: The Liner Notes Of John Waters

Your Music Appreciation 101 professor, John Waters.

A stack of John Waters soundtracks on CD.

This will seem impossibly quaint to you youngsters, but music used to be bought and sold as a tangible, physical commodity. In other words, it was a thing you had to go get. In actual, brick and mortar stores, no less! First came the wax cylinder, then the vinyl record, followed by the 8-track, the cassette, and finally, the compact disc. Nowadays, music is all just ones and zeroes to be uploaded and downloaded in the twinkling of an eye over the internet.

For the most part, this change has been a good thing. More music is available to more people more quickly than ever before. But we have lost a few things along the way as we've abandoned physical media. Liner notes, for instance. Remember those? Yes, albums used to come complete with little explanatory essays that told you something about the music contained within. To me, the king of liner notes was cult movie director John Waters. He took obvious delight in penning the notes that accompanied the soundtrack albums for his movies, explaining exactly what these songs meant to him and even giving his listeners instructions on how to listen to the albums for maximum effect.

Much of Waters' writing has been collected and anthologized in book form elsewhere. But, to my knowledge, his soundtrack album liner notes have never reappeared anywhere. So before they vanish from memory completely, I thought I'd showcase them here. I had to scour through my musty, dusty underground storage locker to retrieve these little items, which I present in roughly chronological order. Notice that Waters' texts become more elaborate over time, from a humble paragraph for Hairspray in 1988 to a 450-word essay for A Dirty Shame in 2004.

This collection is not complete. I have yet to transcribe the notes for two compilation albums curated by Waters: A John Waters Christmas (2004) and A Date With John Waters (2007). Perhaps if the reaction to this article is positive, I will dig those up, too. (Update: I have.) In the interest of historical accuracy, I have tried to present these notes exactly as they originally appeared, with all spelling, punctuation, and grammar intact.

Enjoy.

Six GIFs that show why Beverly Sutphin is my role model (and should be yours, too)

"You know how I hate the brown word."

In these troubling and uncertain times, it is more important than ever to have role models, people whom we can admire and whose behavior we can try to emulate. Towards that end, I have selected as my personal pop culture mentor Mrs. Beverly Sutphin, the homicidal hausfrau portrayed so memorably by Kathleen Turner in John Waters' 1994 dark comedy Serial Mom. This is a woman with numerous positive qualities and useful skills, both domestic and interpersonal, and I think she sets a fine example for the rest of us to follow. But rather than just tell you why I think Beverly Sutphin is so great, I thought I'd actually show you a few examples of the lady herself in action. Please do read on and discover why this fictional character is, in modern Internet parlance, my spirit animal.

1. She has a colorful, diverse vocabulary.

 

2. She isn't intimidated by celebrities.




3. She's not afraid to express herself.

 


4. Her dental hygiene? Above reproach.

 

5. She respects tradition.

 

6. She knows the value of a friendly wave.