This year's can't-miss gift: the abacus!

An abacus: get one of these babies now while they're still affordable!

Are you still puzzling over what to get people for Christmas this year? Well, puzzle no more, dear reader! I have the answer. Simply get everyone on your list an abacus.

"An aba-wha?" you might be saying right now. Relax. Let me explain.

An abacus is a simple yet ingenious calculating tool consisting of a frame and beads which slide on wires or dowels. Dating back to 2500 B.C., it is the precursor to the calculator and, thus, the computer. Think about that for a moment: the abacus is the original computer! Version 1.0. Compared to the abacus, the Commodore 64 is a newbie poseur. Although generally considered obsolete here in the West, the abacus is still crazy hot in Japan, where it's known as a soroban and is in common use by children whose math skills put most Americans to shame. There might be something to this. We're so used to letting machines do all our math for us these days that maybe we should have to physically move beads around to do simple addition and subtraction. We've gotten lazy, and our minds have turned to instant oatmeal as a result. Just watch this video to feel instantly humbled:

Insufferable people like this will soon be everywhere.

Congratulations, Einstein. You just got your ass handed to you by a 7-year-old girl. But that's not why I'm recommending the abacus as the ideal gift for 2012. Yeah, they're educational and help strengthen our brains, but screw all that. Instead, I'm recommending it because I have the sneaking suspicion that, within a year's time, abaci (that's the plural of abacus -- learn that word!) will be very trendy indeed and will be used by influential tastemakers around the world. Did you know that someone who uses an abacus is called an abacist? I think by this time in 2013, every would-be cool person you know will be bragging about being an abacist to the point that you'll be sick of hearing that word. People will be lugging abaci around with them the way people tote Kindles and iPhones today. Why do I say this? Just look at the evidence. The abacus has all the qualities necessary to achieve coolness. To wit:

• It's popular in Japan. And we know that's where all the cool, exotic shit comes from, right?
• It's ridiculously old school, and if there's one thing cool people like to do, it's using totally outmoded and impractical technology. Witness the resurgence of vinyl records and 8-bit video games. This just takes that idea to its ultimate extreme.
• It requires no batteries or electricity and is, therefore, environmentally conscious. Compared to this, the Prius might as well be a Humvee. Once you become an avid abacist, you can be all judgy and self-righteous around people who still use laptops and smartphones.
• The word "abacus" just sounds cool. Say it out loud a couple of times and hear for yourself. And if you know related words like "abaci" and "abacist," you'll instantly sound smarter than you actually are.
• Design-wise, the abacus is very sleek and minimalist. Abaci come in a variety of colors and styles. There is great potential here for customization. Imagine a shiny, blinged-out abacus with a gold frame, jewels for beads, and platinum wires. Or at the opposite end of the spectrum, picture a tasteful, all-white abacus with the Apple logo on it -- the perfect accessory for your regular Sunday trip to the bookstore or coffee shop.  Whatever your personal style, there's an abacus for you.

So there you have it, folks. You can get a very nice abacus for about ten or twenty bucks today. In my opinion, you'd better snap 'em up fast before some Portland barista gets wind of this and the price skyrockets. Don't say I didn't warn you.

(today's zomby) WITH ITS OWN "THIS AMERICAN LIFE"-TYPE SOUNDTRACK!

Hey, kids.

Do you listen to This American Life on NPR? I'll admit that I do. Call me a pretentious hipster zombie doucheburger if you must, but I find that TAL really helps calm me down after a long day of being chased by gun-toting rednecks. Anyway, one of the things that most amazes me about the show is the thematically-appropriate background music they always find to go with the stories. In particular, they always find some amazingly apt song to play immediately after the last story. I don't know how they do it. Host Ira Glass always credits someone named Jessica Hopper (presumably this Jessica Hopper) with the vague credit of "music help," but there's no real explanation of their music-vetting process.

Anyway, I thought I'd try it myself today with this coffee-themed Zomby! cartoon. Imagine that this cartoon had been a very well-produced, 5-to-10-minute-long audio documentary about a zombie going into a Starbucks (or "Stabrux" if you must) and encountering a generic female functionary. Are you there with me? Okay, then this is the song that would play after the story was over and Ira was reading the end credits.

Incidentally, one of NPR's patron saints, David Sedaris, contributed a story to Episode 319 of This American Life which actually did reference the living impaired. LISTEN TO IT HERE!

The Living Impaired & Hipsters: How to Tell the Difference!

Hipster Wayne Kotke

Hi- ho, true believers! It's your old pal, Wayne, again... and this time I'm here to deliver an important social message that will actually help you in your daily life! In your adventures on the Internet, you have probably heard stories, legends, and fables about a mysterious beast known as The Hipster. What you may not know is that these odd creatures really do exist, especially in urban areas. I work in the great metropolis of Chicago, and I see these inviduals all the time. At first, their appearance, behavior, and mode of dress is baffling and upsetting, but eventually you get used to them. Hipsters are part of the great mosaic of life to be found in the city. As you can see, I am so fond of them that I have drawn this little self-portrait I call "Hipster Wayne."

But here, unfortunately, is where it gets confusing. The Living Impaired and Hipsters actually have several traits in common, and you members of the general public may have trouble telling us apart. And that's just where it pays to have a buddy like me who can spell it all out for you.

Let's start with the traits that Hipsters and the Living Impaired have in common:

• Dark circles around the eyes
• Either pale or grayish skin tone
• Scrawny physique
• Tendency to move slowly and awkwardly

Yes, the confusion is easy to understand! UNLESS you know the traits specific to hipsters:

• Sullen demeanor
• Fondness for skinny jeans and ironic t-shirts
• Terrible, depressing music leaking from headphones
• Cigarette dangling lethargically from mouth
• Chuck Taylors

Remember this simple list, and you'll never confuse Hipsters and the Living Impaired ever again. Til next time, this has been your friend and benefactor, Wayne Kotke.