Saturday, November 14, 2009

Some Straight Talk About the Brain Patch

Have a gummi, why don't you?

Hello, my dear friends, both living and non! On the Mail Order Zombie podcast and indeed on this very blog, you have heard me speaking passionately and at length about The Brain Patch, a simple adhesive patch which -- when affixed to the upper arm -- curbs the strong craving for human brains often experienced by the Living Impaired. Certainly, with any breakthrough of modern science of this magnitude, there will be questions and concerns. And that, my fellow patriots, is what this post is all about. I, Wayne Kotke, will answer some possible questions about the Brain Patch. (And thanks again to Chris Toohey for the illustration.) Anyway, on with the questions!

Q: Does the Brain Patch have any side effects?

A: Yes, but they are mild. Wearers of the patch may experience strange cravings for such foods as gummi bears, Funyans, Red Vines, Lemonheads, Rainbow Nerds, Cheez-Its, Nutty Buddies, Choco Tacos, Mallomars, Bit O'Honeys, Sugar Daddies, Ho-Hos, Combos, Sour Patch Kids, Smarties, Sweet Tarts, Pep-O-Mint Life Savers, York Peppermint Patties, Crackle bars, and Atomic Warheads.

Q: Any more side effects?

A: Well, the patch caused me to develop a keen interest in playing Tetris for days at a time, but that's just me. Other users may find themselves more interested in, say, Pitfall or Dig Dug.

Q: Seriously, are there any more side effects?

A: My, aren't we nosey today? Well, if you must know, Little Miss Peskypants, it seems that wearers of the Brain Patch have experienced some motivational deficiencies. While the LI have no nutritional need for human brains, it seems that the instinct to eat brains was an important psychological drive for us. Put simply, the purely imaginary "need' for brains was apparently what was keeping us going all this time. It was like the "magic feather" in Dumbo. Without our magic feather, we wind up playing Tetris and scarfing down gummi bears. But like Disney's large-eared elephant, we the Living Impaired must learn that we can "fly," so to speak, without our "magic feather," i.e. human brains. So that's our next big challenge.

Q: What happens if a living person wears the Brain Patch?

A: Bad stuff. Bad, bad stuff. Don't try it. Seriously, don't.