Tuesday, November 3, 2009

How to beat those post-Halloween blues

My fellow citizens of the world,

If you are reading this blog post, then I'm guessing you are probably a regular listener of the Mail Order Zombie podcast. Knowing this, I can further extrapolate that you enjoy horror movies, haunted houses, costume parties, and all the trappings of the Halloween season. Sadly, your favorite month -- October -- has now passed. Over. Finito. Gone with the wind. It is possible that you are now suffering from something like post-partum depression. Your blood-stained hockey mask and jumpsuit are in storage. You just ate your last Tootsie Roll Midgee. And the neighbors are starting to ask when you'll get around to taking that hilarious fake corpse off your front porch. (It is fake, isn't it?)

In short, you've got those post-Halloween blues, and you've got 'em bad. Well, fear not! Because your old living impaired buddy, Wayne, is here to help you get through November with these fun suggestions:

1. Use the word "turducken" often and in completely inappropriate circumstances. Example: as a profanity while driving.

2. Spend some quality time with your oldest and dearest friend -- namely, television. Did you know that both 90210 and Melrose Place are back on the air? These are truly remarkable times to be alive. (Even if, like me, you're not alive.)

3. Keep elaborate journals about the personal hygiene habits of your coworkers. Keep score using a complex rating system of your own creation. Deduct points for dirty fingernails, nose hairs, excess earwax, etc.

4. Call people. Doesn't matter whom. It's all good, as they say. I'm sure the person on the other end will be happy to hear from you, whoever they are.

5. Master a new skill that you've always wanted to learn, such as impersonating celebrities who died decades ago. I'm working on my Walter Brennan now.

If all else fails, put yourself into cryogenic storage with specific instructions: "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL OCTOBER 2010"