Peggy Gravel for President! (We might as well.)

Do you want REAL change in America? Peggy Gravel's the woman for the job!

Foreign poster for the film.

Folks, I have found the ideal candidate for the 2016 presidential election. She's tough, she's well-spoken, and she's definitely not afraid to assert herself. Better yet, she accurately portrays the belief system of millions upon millions of voting Americans. Her name is Peggy Gravel, and she's a married mother of two from the Guilford section of Baltimore.

Does it matter that Peggy Gravel is merely a fictional character played by Mink Stole in John Waters' 1977 film Desperate Living? I honestly don't think so. One of the current GOP frontrunners, Donald Trump, is essentially a fictional character invented for the media, and all of the candidates are "playing a role" to one extent or another. So why not go all the way and nominate a made-up character from a movie?

Does it matter that Peggy Gravel is a murderess with a long history of mental illness? Of course not! This is America, the land of second, third, fourth, and fiftieth chances! And, besides, you think all those previous presidents who served in the military didn't kill bunches of people? Peggy only killed one, maybe two people, tops. As for the mental illness thing, have you heard Ben Carson lately?

But don't take my word for it. Let Peggy Gravel explain herself in her own words. Here are some choice Gravel quotes for the media to pore over. (NOTE: Feel free to substitute "America" for "Mortville" and "country" for "town" when quoting Peggy.)

Relax, America! Peggy Gravel's here to explain it all to you!

On the environment

• "Look at those disgusting trees, stealing my oxygen!"

• "All natural forests should be turned into housing developments! I want cement covering every blade of grass in this nation!'

                                    
On crime

• "It's like war! Don't tell me I don't know what Vietnam is like!"

• "What's the matter with the courts? Do they allow this lawlessness and malicious destruction of property to run rampant? I hate the Supreme Court!"

                                    

On economics and government

• "Go home to your mother! Doesn't she ever watch you? Tell her this isn't some communist day care center! Tell your mother I hate her! Tell your mother I hate you!"

• "I tell you, my blue blood is about ready to boil!"

• "Dealing with the poor people is a waste of time! Only the rich should be allowed to live!"

• "A single gunshot can never destroy the beauty of fascism! You're so low, you make white trash look positively top drawer!"

This is a woman with a plan for America! You'd be a fool to stand in her way!

On sex

• "Sodomites! Caught right in a sex orgy!"

• "Oh, God! The children are having sex!"

• "Mount me if you must, but please, not a kiss!"

• "I don't want some renegade necrophile princess as my roommate!"

• "Find 'em, feel 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em! Is that your new motto?"

• "I have no desire to be a loose person, and you should stop drinking before you get dead drunk!"

                                    

On health care

• "I'm very prone to anxiety attacks, so please treat me with therapeutic courtesy."

• "Oh, I feel just like Jonas Salk. Tomorrow is the first day of mass immunization, or at least that's what the morons of Mortville think!"

• "It will be beautiful -- a symphony of death rattles! History will not forget this holiday of death!"

                                    

On herself

• "I'm quite prominent, and we accidentally killed my husband."

• "If you looked all over this land, your majesty, I doubt you'd find a woman as vicious as I."

Peggy Gravel is mad as hell, and she's not going to take it anymore!

On personal responsibility

• "'Sorry?' What good is that? How can you ever repay the 30 seconds that you have stolen from my life?"

• "How about my life? Do you get enough allowance to pay for that?"

                                    

On feminism

• "If it's good enough for Gertrude Stein..."

• "You wouldn't kill a sister!"

                                    

On the standard of living

• "Am I living in hell? Is that it? Have I gone straight to hell?"

• "Maybe you two have resigned yourself to a subhuman life in this slum of a town, but I, Peggy Gravel, have not!"

• "Maybe in my dreams, I can forget about this rotten little town and its disgusting population!"

• "I have seen the human trash of Mortville, and I share your contempt for this town.