Sunday, November 29, 2009

Living With The Living: Some Advice From the Waynemeister



NOTE: This post is strictly for my living impaired brethren and sisteren (cistern?) out there. You living people can take it outside.

The living. We deal with them on a daily basis -- on the job, in the streets, in our homes and churches. Kotketology teaches that we should try to love the living and get along with them, but I do admit that they sure can make it hard to do. If they're not screaming in terror and falling all over themselves to get away from us, they're aiming their guns right between our eyebrows. Am I right?

Can I get an Amen?

But Dr. Kotke is in, and I've got the prescription for you, pilgrims. Follow these simple steps, and dealing with the living can be (mostly) a breeze. I plan to use this blog to give you LI-ers out there some handy advice that you can apply to your day-to-day afterlives. Today's lesson is very simple.

When in Rome, do as the Romans.

This is basic enough. Want to avoid getting shot? Then try your best to blend in with the living people all around you. That means: act like the living, dress like the living, talk like the living, walk like the living, etc. I know we've been taught since childhood to be true to ourselves, but when you're living impaired, "being yourself" might cost you your second life. And in this video game, there are no replays.

What does this mean for you? No shambling. And don't walk with your arms outstretched like you're waiting for your nail polish to dry. That is -- forgive the expression -- a dead giveaway. In short, follow the sage advice of Mr. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Walk like a man!




Sunday, November 22, 2009

Living Impaired versus Zombies

Hello, readers.

Perhaps you have seen the following comedy routine by Chris Rock (warning - absurdly NSFW):



I use this clip to illustrate the fact that within any group, be it racial, ethnic, socioeconomic or what-have-you, there may well be deep divisions. And so it is among the living impaired. Frankly, it breaks down into two main groups: the Living Impaired and Zombies. I consider myself Living Impaired, not a Zombie. Perhaps the following guide will prove useful in determining the difference between these two distinct groups.

Living Impaired: Has a brain patch on his arm.
Zombie: Has your brains in his stomach.

Living Impaired: Speaks clearly and intelligently about a variety of topics.
Zombie: Just says "BRAAAAAAIIINNNNSSSS!!!!" a lot.

Living Impaired: Walks.
Zombie: Staggers.

Living Impaired: Is fastidious about his appearance and hygiene.
Zombie: Doesn't notice that he is decomposing all over your living room carpet.

Living Impaired: Tries to build bridges between the living and non-living.
Zombie: Tries to break into your kitchen through the window so that he can eat you.

SUMMARY: Those creatures you see in Left 4 Dead 2? Those are zombies. I don't like them either, and I don't condone their activities. But, believe me, they are a minority within a minority and do not represent the vast majority of hard-working, rule-abiding living impaired individuals across this great land and throughout the world.

Remember: there is a difference.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

How We Know We've Made It



How do I know the Dead 2 Rights movement is gaining momentum and acceptance across this great land of ours? Simple! Our logo has made it to a t-shirt. And not just any t-shirt either, but one created by Slug, host of the Slugcast, one of my very favorite podcasts. Slug reminds us that the shirt seen above is only a prototype. Still in all, this is a great milestone for the entire Dead 2 Rights organization. And this is an excellent opportunity to point out that the logo seen on the t-shirt and the banner for this site were both designed by the talented Scott Cole of http://www.13visions.com/

BONUS! Click the play button below to hear a song which explains quite nicely how it feels sometimes when you're living impaired. It's "What About Us?" by The Coasters!

What About Us (LP Version)

Some Straight Talk About the Brain Patch




Hello, my dear friends, both living and non! On the Mail Order Zombie podcast and indeed on this very blog, you have heard me speaking passionately and at length about The Brain Patch, a simple adhesive patch which -- when affixed to the upper arm -- curbs the strong craving for human brains often experienced by the Living Impaired. Certainly, with any breakthrough of modern science of this magnitude, there will be questions and concerns. And that, my fellow patriots, is what this post is all about. I, Wayne Kotke, will answer some possible questions about the Brain Patch. (And thanks again to Chris Toohey for the illustration.) Anyway, on with the questions!

Q: Does the Brain Patch have any side effects?


A: Yes, but they are mild. Wearers of the patch may experience strange cravings for such foods as gummi bears, Funyans, Red Vines, Lemonheads, Rainbow Nerds, Cheez-Its, Nutty Buddies, Choco Tacos, Mallomars, Bit O'Honeys, Sugar Daddies, Ho-Hos, Combos, Sour Patch Kids, Smarties, Sweet Tarts, Pep-O-Mint Life Savers, York Peppermint Patties, Crackle bars, and Atomic Warheads.

Q: Any more side effects?

A: Well, the patch caused me to develop a keen interest in playing Tetris for days at a time, but that's just me. Other users may find themselves more interested in, say, Pitfall or Dig Dug.

Q: Seriously, are there any more side effects?

A: My, aren't we nosey today? Well, if you must know, Little Miss Peskypants, it seems that wearers of the Brain Patch have experienced some motivational deficiencies. While the LI have no nutritional need for human brains, it seems that the instinct to eat brains was an important psychological drive for us. Put simply, the purely imaginary "need' for brains was apparently what was keeping us going all this time. It was like the "magic feather" in Dumbo. Without our magic feather, we wind up playing Tetris and scarfing down gummi bears. But like Disney's large-eared elephant, we the Living Impaired must learn that we can "fly," so to speak, without our "magic feather," i.e. human brains. So that's our next big challenge.

Q: What happens if a living person wears the Brain Patch?

A: Bad stuff. Bad, bad stuff. Don't try it. Seriously, don't.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Brain Patch: Miracle of Modern Science!

Hello once again, kots and koshkas!

You regular listeners-in have already heard me jabbering at length about THE BRAIN PATCH, the miracle of modern science which will, I hope, finally allow the Living Impaired to live in peace and harmony with the living by curbing our oh-so-inconvenient cravings for human brains. A simple, unobtrusive patch worn on the upper arm, the Brain Patch allows the wearer to go about his or her daily business without feeling even the slightest desire to crack open a victim's skull and feast on the grey matter within.

Neat, right?

I thought so, too, and now -- thanks to Chris Toohey, the designer of this very site -- we finally have a photograph of a model (not me) wearing a prototype of the Brain Patch. Thanks, Chris!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

How to beat those post-Halloween blues


My fellow citizens of the world,

If you are reading this blog post, then I'm guessing you are probably a regular listener of the Mail Order Zombie podcast. Knowing this, I can further extrapolate that you enjoy horror movies, haunted houses, costume parties, and all the trappings of the Halloween season. Sadly, your favorite month -- October -- has now passed. Over. Finito. Gone with the wind. It is possible that you are now suffering from something like post-partum depression. Your blood-stained hockey mask and jumpsuit are in storage. You just ate your last Tootsie Roll Midgee. And the neighbors are starting to ask when you'll get around to taking that hilarious fake corpse off your front porch. (It is fake, isn't it?)

In short, you've got those post-Halloween blues, and you've got 'em bad. Well, fear not! Because your old living impaired buddy, Wayne, is here to help you get through November with these fun suggestions:

1. Use the word "turducken" often and in completely inappropriate circumstances. Example: as a profanity while driving.

2. Spend some quality time with your oldest and dearest friend -- namely, television. Did you know that both 90210 and Melrose Place are back on the air? These are truly remarkable times to be alive. (Even if, like me, you're not alive.)

3. Keep elaborate journals about the personal hygiene habits of your coworkers. Keep score using a complex rating system of your own creation. Deduct points for dirty fingernails, nose hairs, excess earwax, etc.

4. Call people. Doesn't matter whom. It's all good, as they say. I'm sure the person on the other end will be happy to hear from you, whoever they are.

5. Master a new skill that you've always wanted to learn, such as impersonating celebrities who died decades ago. I'm working on my Walter Brennan now.

If all else fails, put yourself into cryogenic storage with specific instructions: "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL OCTOBER 2010"