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| "Playing post office" was never quite like this. |
NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).
The article: "Sex by Mail." Originally published in Two Plus Two (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 1, no.1, January/February 1970. No author credited.
Excerpt: "The formerly timid housewife or single girl can now take the initiative in openly suggesting an avid interest in a sexual meeting with a man, or even another woman. She can now unabashedly express her most lewd and wanton animal desires for the entire spectrum of sexual acts. Bizarre and sometimes perverted sexual acts, which husband and wife once never mentioned, and in some marriages today still don't, are almost casually discussed, and eagerly participated in—and all of this with a total stranger!"
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| Some vintage lonely hearts club ads. |
Reflections: Occasionally, I find the articles in When the Topic is Sex to be a bit too straight-laced, lacking the inspired lunacy we've come to expect from Edward D. Wood, Jr. at his best. It's as if Eddie wanted to offset the lewdness of the subject matter (fetishes, kinks, group sex, pornography, prostitution, etc.) by keeping his tone as neutral and encyclopedic as possible. The results can be a little impersonal.
I suppose I was spoiled by reviewing two volumes of Ed's eccentric, often tasteless short stories, which gave the author plenty of chances to let his warped imagination run wild. After you've read "To Kill a Saturday Night" or "Breast of the Chicken," something like "Sexual Freedom & Sexual Ignorance" is a bit of a comedown. Where's the fun in learning about proper condom use to prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies? We're not in school, Ed!
Well, the 1970 article "Sex by Mail" is definitely on the fun side, especially if you're after that sleazy '70s Ed Wood brand of fun. This is an article about sexually-explicit personal ads and the kinds of people who would write them and respond to them. Eddie cites no sources and apparently did little to no research for this one, and those are points in its favor. In my opinion, Eddie's at his best when he improvises and is not hampered by such factors as accuracy or plausibility.
The article begins with a brief history of the "lonely hearts clubs" of the past. These were services that would connect single people looking for love with pen pals of the opposite sex. The problem with these clubs, according to Eddie, is that the clients had to keep their letters "cautious" and "guarded." Rather than talk about sex, which was what was really on their minds, the letter-writers had to confine themselves to such bland topics as gardening and the theater. The article says that these old-fashioned services are now passé and "material for pop tunes." This is about as close as Ed Wood comes to mentioning The Beatles.
Fortunately, Ed informs us, there are now adult magazines and underground newspapers in every major American city that allow people to place ads that get right to the point. I mean, if sex is the ultimate goal, why not just say so right in the ad? And the modern-day love-seekers don't have to be heterosexual or strictly monogamous either. Men can seek men, women can seek women, and singles can seek couples.
"Sex by Mail" really takes off when Eddie conducts a little experiment... or pretends to conduct a little experiment. He shows us an ad he says he placed on behalf of a young woman named Melissa, "one of our lovely and whimsical young secretaries." Based on Ed's track record, I highly doubt Melissa was real. I don't know if Pendulum Publishing even had secretaries! I think Bernie Bloom answered his own telephone. Anyway, in the supposed ad, Melissa (using the pseudonym "Candy" for some reason) describes herself as "beautiful" and "uninhibited" and says she is looking for "well-endowed men." Ed and Melissa also run an ad as a couple, promising "weekend nude-ins at our lovely, isolated canyon home."
The article concludes with four (fabricated) responses to the ad, chosen from an "avalanche of letters." Three of these responses are from a man named George who gets bolder and more explicit with each missive and who talks openly of having a sexual relationship with his own sister. Why were George's letters chosen? Because he mentions "a variant form of sex-by-mail: sex-by-telephone." (I guess the term "phone sex" hadn't been invented yet.) I don't know if the incest angle worked in his favor or against him.
The fourth and final response is attributed to a 31-year-old man named K. Pringle, who offers a terse, numbered list of the "paths one may take to have sexual happiness." (Said paths include masturbation and pornography.) Eddie says he included this blunt, businesslike letter due to its "precision and conciseness." Again, I believe K. Pringle is about as real as Kris Kringle. While "Sex by Mail" technically falls into the category of Ed Wood's nonfiction, it's as rooted in fantasy as Bride of the Monster (1955) or Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957).
Before I let you go, I have to share an anecdote about Mae West, the scandalous singer and actress who was a good friend of Criswell. The Beatles wanted to use her picture on the cover of their 1967 album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, but Ms. West was initially reluctant. "What would I be doing in a lonely hearts club?" she responded.
Next: "Interview with a Slut" (1971)